Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Recap of 2009

Here is my recap of 2009....buckle your's a wild wild ride, especially romantically :)

January - I started off the New Year very quietly at my aunt's (guiltily had to read my own blog to remember what I did last New Year's Eve) and was texting a douche named Vrbas, who decided not to date me because we didn't have chemistry. God works in great ways. I started my month off a little wild also with an impromptu night in Estes Park with Alyssa who continually helps to "corrupt" me haha. I started my last hell-ish semester as a food science and human nutrition major and quickly realized it was going to be one hell of a semester because I wasn't the slightest bit interested in anything I was learning. However, I did take pleasure in seeing my friends every day and enjoyed living with two great girls that I could laugh with until all hours of the night. I also became obsessed with Twilight after Britt cornered me on my bed one night and made me start reading the first book. It took me a mere week and three days to finish all four books while working. I was hooked and it started many emphatic conversations between Shelly and I :)

February - my poor bike was stolen (RIP) and I soon found a new love of riding the bus to school every day as my form of transportation. I soon realized that I am ill equipped for Colorado weather despite having lived here my whole life and cursed myself to the bus stop every single day for not having my bike nor a decent pair of boots to wear. I enjoyed several fun nights out on the town with friends but mainly focused on working a job I was starting to loathe (trying to manage your own peers sucks most of the time, especially when they have no sense of respect) and trying to pay attention in class. For the most part I went to all my classes but one, my last one being my last class of the day which I didn't exactly love going to. I started taking an interest in one of my brothers friends and also traveled to "The Good Life" to watch him play baseball.

March - I had some fun traveling around, fooled around flirting with Marshall's friend and VOILA got my first tattoo :) Spring break was spent working and having fun with friends/family. School was meh and mid-terms came and went. I was doing fairly well. I started gaining a little bit of weight and found a new love for Nike sweatpants and dresses with leggings. I also adored my Northface jacket like none other. It was also around the end of this month that I started talking to Eric and I became intrigued.

April - brought a whole new meaning to the word senioritis and I found it increasingly difficult can I put this....give a rats ass about something I found I clearly had to interest in. My senior presentation was coming up and the only thing that saved me was two group mates who actually had an interest in researching the nutrition side of our topic (Alzheimer's disease and the Mediterranean diet) while I researched the medical specialty. Eric and I started talking more and even had coffee together. I invited him to come to our fancy party in May and he accepted the invitation. However, innocent flirtations on my part started manifesting in something more. April also brought a realization that I was soon to be a college grad and had no idea what I was going to do moving back home.

May - fancy party came and went and Eric and I shared our first kiss and first date. I graduated (FINALLY) although I will admit it was a very weird thing to happen....never thought I'd ever be in college let alone graduating from it. I soon learned that I wish I would have taken more advantage of the opportunities at hand while in college. Shelly and Britt and I shared a great last month together though a very emotional the blog if you want to know just how crazy emotional I was. I moved home and Kevan graduated high school. I confessed to Eric that I was falling in love with him and he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a crazy emotional yet happy time for me.

June - basically just a really fun time of hanging out in Denver with Eric as much as possible and going out on the town. Lots of fun nights and memories. My parents and I started fighting more and more though and old turmoils started coming up. I was used to living on my own and they are used to having rules to abide by. I started job hunting, albeit less than half-hearted as I wanted to enjoy a full month off before I started working again.

July - crazy more memories with Eric. We had a great fourth of July that was fun-filled. Though the end of the month brought a really bad and tumultuous break-up that included lots of surprises and crying and also brought the first time of me getting high. It started the drama of what has now become Eric and I's rollercoaster "relationship". I actually started job hunting with full force and applied to well over 90 jobs....including a job as a substitute para with the school district. I got the job and started the hiring process as well as applied for a substitute teaching license, of which I have but have not yet used. I also moved out of my parents house the day Eric broke up with me...I couldn't handle living at home between not getting along with them and the craziness that was going on in my heart. Also finished and mailed in my nursing school application to CU Denver's School of Nursing.

August - brought birthday number 22. Um, crazy. That's all I have to say about that. I spent the day driving the mountains with my aunt and Tori and then had a small gathering with friends. It started this crazy pursuit by a guy named Philip from our church which I avoided at all costs and as well sparked a period of not wanting any men near me (between the breakup and stalkerish pursuit I didn't want anything to do with any friends....including my guy bestie Cord). I spent the month working for my parents and gearing up to starting being a substitute. After a few weeks of not talking, Eric and I started hanging out again.

September - I took my first sub job as a preschool para at Henderson and funny enough took a second job the following week as a long-term sub in a classroom in the same a preschool para in the classroom I work in right now. Eric and I were hanging out and spent a great weekend doing the FoCo Tour de Phat. I told him my deepest secrets, he told me he loved me, and we were "together" again for a whole week before he started acting weird on me again. Through it all we've always talked and cuddled and kissed. It's a trend through it all. My parents and I started to get along better and started talking on a regular basis again.

October - a bit more of the same between Eric and I, pretty much just a common theme for now. We can't stay away from each other apparently but are perpetually never "together"....simply dating I guess is what you can call it. Still working as a long-term substitute para. Spent Halloween in Fort Collins and watched Eamonn's band perform for the first time. Was pretty rad....other than that, just a bunch of always on-the-go-ness.

November - was asked to apply for full-time position as special ed preschool para. LOVE my kiddos. Was hired and accepted the job :) More of the same with Eric. Started working for my parents doing chenille as the other guy quit. means more $$$ for me!! Thanksgiving goes on....a tad awkward as I was the one who started the family fued during Thanksgiving last year.

December - well here I am. Christmas was wonderful, my family is getting along better. I am working full-time and trying to get into nursing school. I live at my aunts but am trying to find a place to live (don't want to overextend my stay). I get semi-bored but am getting more content with "adult" life as I know I will be somewhere else six months down the road. Eric and I are still the same.

There we go, it's been a crazy crazy crazy year....and that's just a short recap off the top of my head. A lot of partying, drinking, hookah, couple times getting high, sex, love, rock n' roll, emotional turmoil, recklessness, confusion and bad/good decisions on my part. A lot of passion and looking for my place. A lot of faithfulness and impatience all in one. It's been a crazy year, but a memorable one at that. I've grown, I've taken a few steps back, I've gone off the beaten path, rebeled, come back, loved, loved, loved some more, had my heart broken, put my heart on the line, laughed, cried, doubted, hugged, kissed, and danced my way through this year.

Here's to 2009 and looking forward to 2010. It's been quite the year, let's see if I can top it!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

6-month Evaluation

One of my besties, Britt, and I had coffee the other's one of our new weekly rituals. I found this "local" coffee shop that's actually in a neighboring town but it's a local cafe owned by four sisters....I'm all about supporting the local economy.

Anywho, I love our weekly coffee dates; we get to catch-up on our lives and also chit-chat about goals and dreams. She's my oldest friend who we've been able to weave in and out of each other's lives to matter what's going on. I know I can tell her any and everything and whether or not we see eye-to-eye we've always been able to support one another.

Our conversation this time turned towards dating like always but then turned towards the future. She made a comment about how drastically our lives have changed in six months.....and if it isn't the truth then strike me dead. Six months ago she was living at home, was only a couple months into a relationship and was contemplating asking me tons of questions about school and what I would recommend. Six months ago I was actually a month into an actual relationship with Eric, had just graduated college, was job searching for all sorts of jobs, and my problems at the time revolved around family.

Time being what it is, has entirely changed both of our lives in so many ways. We've grown in some aspects and wandered off the beaten path in others.

So of course, our thoughts wondered towards the future: where we think our lives will be in six months. What are goals are now as opposed to what they will be at in June.

We decided we're going to write down our goals right now and where we think our lives will be in six months. Then six months down the road we will look back and be able to gawk at what is going on our lives now. It will be a way of looking at the past, present and also looking towards the future.

In six months, this is where I think I will be (as of my thoughts at this current moment):

*Romantically I think I will either be single and not even looking at men or I will happily be in a relationship. Right now I'm the romantic pessimist but everyone thinks I will be in the later. I just have a feeling I will be nowhere in between the two extremes like I am now. I'm going to get burnt out and it's going to go one way or the other.

*I think I'm going to be starting nursing school in six months. Or at least I hope I'm accepted into the program and start right away.....or I get rejected and I go to Regis and they tell me that if I can drop my life right then they can get me in. Either way I see myself back in school in some fashion.

*I will still be working for my parents, will just having finished with working preschool and will decline the position. If I have to work again I will probably go back to subbing.

*I also see myself living at home with my parents again and hopefully this time getting along better.

All-in-all, I see the huge transition period of my life starting to come down off of it's peak. I see it really starting to reach it's peak and start declining once I find out whether I've been accepted into nursing school or not. But only time will tell.

Either way, I feel myself starting to be more at peace with parts of my life. God is slowly, very very slowly, more slowly than I'd like, starting to calm my heart and my nerves.....but nonetheless He's calming them.

I'm getting along much better with my parents and family, I'm getting settled into being an adult much more than I was even a few short months ago, and I'm starting to realize that shortly my life will start seeing at least some sort of balance. I can't even relay just how calming it is to know that God is about to throw me major curveballs....but curveballs that will take me away from the most tumultuous time in my life.

God is faithful.....if we are patient enough to see that faithfulness. That is a huge lesson He has been teaching me through this all. I've been rather impatient but I'm seeing that God works....on His own time....but he works for what's best for us. We just have to be faithful ourselves.

God is beautiful.....that's for sure. And He's loving. And I have NO idea what He's doing in my life, and where my life is headed, but I'm SOOOOO friggin glad He's in control. Honestly I suck at being the driver. I'm a horrible passengar.....I'm sorta like one of those annoying backseat drivers.....but I'm an even more horrible driver.

Six months....I wonder what changes that will bring. With that, I should recap 2009 :)

To Come....

Oh my goodness:

This is a reminder for me to write a few things that I HAVE to get out.

1. A recap of the year
2. Britt and I's evaluations of where we think our lives will be in six months
3. My newest adventures in life

Tout a'leure

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The holidays are upon us and it honestly just really doesn't feel like holiday time to me.

We finally got snow for Christmas and I do adore that. It makes it feel a bit more like Christmas but I still feel as though there's something missing from the holidays....only I can't tell you what it is.

Right now I enjoy spending the holidays single and with my family....however I do look forward to the time when I can spend the holidays with a loved one. All in due time I suppose.

Confusion and feeling lost have become staples of my life right now but I've decided I'm not going to let them hold me back. I do encounter setbacks a lot more frequently than I ever want to but I can't let it hold me back or get me down. I do want to do something with my life, only I'm not quite sure what it is. I love my kiddos and I don't know what I'd do without them. But at the same time I feel as though God wants me somewhere else. Only I can't figure out where it is or how to get there. So that's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm actually becoming nervous because I feel as God might have plans for me as far as the other side of the world....but am I strong enough to pick up and go where He wants me to be?!?! That is the real question. Am I brave and strong enough to leave my life, both good and bad here, to go where I need to go?!?!

I'm pretty positive God has destined me to be a world traveler. He didn't put this desire to go halfway across the world for nothing. And I would LOVE to live over in Europe for a time. But am I brave enough to pick up and move and start totally anew and leave my weaknesses and family behind?!

I guess we'll see eventually when I can get my feet under me and figure out what I'm supposed to do.

All I know is I currently have a yearning and something inside me that I need to go somewhere else.....probably even out of this country.....for some amount of time. I need a COMPLETE change of scenery I feel sometimes. A breath of fresh air. And I need adventure and spontaniety and something completely different and life-changing.

Goodness, I talk bigger and dream bigger than I think I'm actually capable of accomplishing.

But with that, I'm gonna go finish my Christmas cards :) Merry Christmas!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wow, it's totally been awhile since I've been able to sit down and express my thoughts. Life has been full of the holidays, working with my kiddos, and working for my parents.

I got hired full-time working at the preschool. YEAH! So far it's been a good thing. I get benefits and I get to work with some of the cutest little kids ever. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself that works to mold and shape little kids, special ed kids nonetheless. Right now it's what gives me purpose. Seeing the progress and working with my little Ethan and Patrick is gives my life some sort of purpose right now. It's cool to know that these kids will never remember who I am.....but I am playing a crucial part in their lives that will have lifelong effects. They both warm my heart every single day that I work. Their smiles are just immeasurable to me, truly and completely. It only affirms that working with children is what I want to do with my life. It just reaffirms that working with children is a passion of mine, a gift that God gave me, something I'm good at, and something I'm meant to do.

I'm getting more and more nervous about getting into nursing school. I need my life to be moving forward, I need something to be happening. I don't necessarily love where I'm at. I'm so very confused and lost in many ways right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My brother Marshall's life is falling into place however. I will be a sister-in-law very shortly, within the next year to two years most likely. He's picking out engagement rings.....and the one he found is beautiful. I like her. I like Jenni, very much. She's beautiful, funny, talented, and so strong in her faith. She's very good for him. But I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I'm partially afraid Jenni will take over a huge portion of my place in my parents hearts. Jenni is the girl my parents wish I could be......I'll never measure up to that. No matter how hard I try. My parents look at her and see an amazing woman.....and I'm pretty positive my parents look at me and see quite a bit of disappointment. But at least my parents can have a daughter they are proud of.

I'm very lost right now. I'm very lost and confused emotionally.

I feel right now like I'm floating through life. I feel like I'm not enough of a person to be loved by someone else, not deserving, and because of it I sort of live my life a tad recklessly. I have no idea what's going on in my life romantically, nor what I want to be going on in my life romantically. I don't know what my future holds in the slightest, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I belong and who really likes being around me.

I'm sure everyone else picks up on this confusion and it repels others but I'm not sure how to combat it.

Oh and to add, my body decided to get bronchitis for the first time ever. I'm not a fan. My body is tired of coughing and is getting absolutely exhausted. Not to mention I'd love to have my voice back.....I sound pretty funny without my normal voice.


I have so much I want to get out right now but I also don't know exactly how to express what all I'm feeling. So alas I'll wait until I can express it in words.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Currently reading

The Kite Runner

It really puts into perspective the turmoil and the turbulence that happens in that area of the world. It's distressing. I've had to stop reading the book halfway through much like I had to stop reading A Thousand Splendid Suns halfway through, because I just get so pisses off at how unfair life seems to work out.

But then there's always a story of redemption.

Next on my to-read list is Three Cups of Tea and then after that is a light reading book called My Horizontal Life.

There's been a lot of putting into perspective of my life lately....but it also seems to make me even more restless. I'm doubting have a purpose and questioning what my purpose is. Is it really to love others with my whole heart?! Or am I missing another purpose?!

I emailed The Children's Hospital today to learn how to become a blood donor and then I'm attending a meeting to sign up to become a bone marrow donor. And then I'm volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission on the 18th. I need a purpose to my life, I need something to do. I need to feel worthy and like I'm making a difference.

Right now my life has no meaning, no foundation, no least in my opinion. Life is not what I want or need it to be right now. I don't know if it's growing pains, not having enough faith, or simply I'm paying my dues in life. All I know is I can't wait to have a little bit of tranquility and happiness back in my life.

Maybe I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Making A Difference

The entire reason we are alive is to make a difference of some sort. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of this when we get to wrapped up in ourselves.

But I do have to say making a difference, in even the smallest way, is one of the greatest feelings ever that can leave one so incredily marked in a good way.

Working with Ethan these past few days have been amazing. I only get to work with him for three hours, four days a week, but that week it meant nine hours of me being one-on-one with him.

Ethan is in wheelchair bound and "non-verbal". He eats out of a feeding tube though he can chew and swallow and though he is four years old still wears diapers.

Cerebral palsy is hard to explain. It's like autism in that it encompasses a wide range of muscle problems and is caused by such a huge array of things that it's hard to explain but it affects the muscles and is caused by impairments in the brain via the nerves.

But Ethan is amazing to work with. He can't talk but he's so smart, when he gives choices. And he "talks" to us, he "talks" to me. He uses it via his eyes and his smiles. If something is a yes or desired, guess what.....there's an amazingly huge smile bestowed upon you. If it's a no or not desired, then no smile!!

On tuesday I got to start working with him one-on-one when Diane wasn't there and I had no choice but to learn hands-on how to exactly lift him and transfer him and change him, etc.

Since then I love working with him. I love being the one who gets to help him express.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving feast in which the kids got to help us "cook" some corn, instant mashed taters and instant gravy and then we made turkey & cheese kabobs with lunch meat and cheese. We had sparkling cider and store-bought cornbread and I baked a couple pumpkin pies.

On tuesday Ethan worked his heart out wanting to stand all day long (which is quite the exercise for him) and then also playing catch with a soft OT ball for him. On Wednesday he had OT with Mrs. Jenn who made him walk all the way down the hall and he played catch. So needless to say on Thursday he was really tired. It was very apparent that he was exhausted as he didn't have a desire to really stand at all and his little face just looked so worn out.

So it didn't surprise me when he told me through giving him choices that he wanted to sit. However, he was VERY adament that he wanted to sit either in my lap or in the chairs like the other kids and NOT in his wheelchair. His little eyes basically frowned at the picture of the wheelchair when I gave him that choice. So I sat behind him and held him like a seatbelt in the chair so he could eat with the other kids and participate in the activities or in my lap if we were down on the floor. He loved it!!! It made him so happy to sit with the other kids for the first time since I've been there rather than in his wheelchair. He loved being able to have that option!!!

But honestly, the whole point of me pouring this out is coming up. Before snack time or eating in this case, we always have to wash our hands. Because Mrs. Diane was usually with him and Kendall and myself and the other para were busy with our other 15 students, he usually stayed in his wheelchair and he never went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Basically it was because I'm not as good at the routine of everything like the others are so if Mrs. Diane or Mrs. Kendall was with him, they were still needed to help as we have 15 very energetic kids with their own issues. But as I (the least routinely-adapted one) was with him, I found I wasn't really needed too much as they are able to handle it. So I decided to start making it my goal to helping Ethan to do whatever the other kids are, because it's apparent that he wants to be normal just like them. So I suggested to Kendall that we put some soap in his hands and I would carry him to the bathroom and support him while the other para helped to rinse his hands in the sink. So we did it!!

And the excitement on Ethan's hands from being able to wash his hands like his classmates was the best part of my entire day yesterday!!! I got to make him so happy by simply helping him to wash his hands like the other kids. I did a simple act but made such a huge difference in his life yesterday by simply sacrificing myself to help him wash his hands and then sit in a chair like the other kids.

It was great to do such a small simple selfless thing that can really make such a huge difference in someone else's day.

That's the point of life and what I love to live for, helping others to make a difference in their life :)

Not to mention his little smile is so incredibly worth it!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


The past couple days have been long, hard, exhausting.....yet so completely rewarding. I think it's been a lot about some mindset. But also about what's been going on.

I have huge qualms with my life but I also am able to see the blessings and beauty all the time. I just choose to vent about the negative a lot. But seriously there is beauty in every single day that I enjoy!!

Sunday was my day "off" though I spent six hours still at work helping to digitize chenelle for my parents. But before then I went to Michael's to get the stuff to work on the birthday present for Britt, which basically set me up to start my week off well with getting to do something creative. Then I got to "create" while digitizing, though it's not anything creative in my opinion.

But yesterday, I just woke up in a great mood. I went into work smiling and singing and it set me up for a great day with my kids. My days are not without hardships. Our afternoon class especially is just extremely hard and exhausting between the sheer amount of needs coming from 16 kids who have special needs of varying extremes and the amount of energy these particular 16 children possess. However, Diane, Kendall and I are now becoming a more well-oiled machine and it makes the day manageable. We laugh and joke and have figured out our own little dance of working together. We sitll face kinks and whatnot but it makes work enjoyable.

I've also found keeping a steady supply of caffeine (via coffee, espresso, or soda) seems to help sufficiently.

And then today Diane had to take her mom to the hospital. So her position had a sub and then our afternoon para is a new hire. We have two kids who require absolute one-on-one at all times. Ethan has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair-bound, nonverbal and Maddy is a three-year-old who functions at the level of an eleven-month-old. (Did I mention she doesn't take to strangers at all meaning she has to work with either Kendall myself or Diane) And this week Maddy is being a turkey and only wants to listen to Kendall. But because of all the logistics I worked with Ethan today as only Kendall and myself are trained on how to move and hold Ethan and Kendall needed to lead the class.

It was my first day of really handling Ethan as far as holding him for longer amounts of time, carrying him, changing him, etc. And today was one of his strong days for his muscles, and one of the days that he just really wanted to stand.....requiring extra amounts of physical strength than normal from any caregiver working with him. It was a good day but exhausting. Yet so completely rewarding. This little human being was reliant upon me for everything and I felt I had to be on my A-game the whole day but he was so content and so happy and did so well with the speech therapist and even though at first I was unsure and uncomfortable with handling him, being thrown in allowed me the chance to get comfortable and learn what works for me. It was challenging!! And I enjoyed that :)

And my phlebotomy class is going well :) I mean I don't feel confident to poke anyone without a preceptor watching me but I enjoy it, it's challenging, and I'm learning and I'm pretty good at what I've done so far (even though I've hit a few glitches). It just feels good to be challenged.

Life is about perspective. I've been bitching and moaning but there is so much beauty to my life even though it's not going the way I want it to. I have so many blessings I need to be thankful for and I can find so many rewards if I just look aorund.

Did I mention my favorite kid Patrick is learning how to hug (sounds like something you would normally know how to do but he's having to learn it) and today he came up to me while I was down at his level, said hi, put his head on my chest and his arms on my arms.....that's the closest I've come to a full hug from him and it felt wonderful. I live for those little moments right now.

They might be the most effective form of birth control ever but it doesn't mean they don't still all hold a special place in my heart!! Love love love those kids.

I just need a little bit of perspective every once in awhile :)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My Truth About Marriage

Britt and I had a wonderful conversation last Sunday over coffee and I again had a similar conversation about marriage with a co-worker wednesday during lunch.

My truth about marriage: I'm not close to being ready for it.

But let me explain that. I'm ready for my life. I'm ready for anything God throws my way. I am ready for children and marriage in terms of I can tackle the responsibility and I will make an amazing mother and wife in terms that I will love being both unconditional.

But marriage and having children sorta scares me. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to settle down and embark on that adventure, because I feel like I have so many other adventures that need to be had first.

My mom said that when the right one comes along my mind will change, but I feel like if the right one comes along they will understand that I'm not ready to be married within the next year of my life.

There's just too much up in the air and too much transition going on at the moment for me to picture myself at that point.

But it's odd. Everyone around my age seems to be settling down. I love it and support it and envy it at times, if it's what's in their best interest. But at the same time I can't imagine myself being married.

Eric and I were talking semi sorta about it the other day and he was joking around about me not being ready for marriage in one sense and he asked me this question: what would you do if I asked you to marry me?!

Honestly here's what popped into my head. My first thought was that I would be absolutely shocked and astonished as the Eric and I are not even boyfriend/girlfriend. We are dating but without the title of dating. I think we consider ourselves sorta single but sorta committed to each other. But Eric, who is afraid of love and commitment, wow that would honestly shock the hell out of me and be one of the most unexpected things I could imagine.
My second thought was that it freaks me out that I can actually see myself marrying him. Not anytime soon. But whenever anyone has talked about marriage I have never been able to picture it. Even after being with Scott for two years, when I thought of my wedding day I could never ever picture Scott at the alter. I couldn't picture my wedding day in fact. For the first time, I can picture having a wedding day (it's a very hazy picture....we'll put it that way, since it's a very new thought) and I can actually see Eric standing at the alter. Um okay, yeah that freaks the hell out of me that for once I can picture that. It freaks me out that I know I care about him enough that I can see that, because I'm not sure if he cares about me in the same way or not. And it freaks me out that I can actually picture myself getting married. It's a very new development in my life.
The last thought was that while I would be so thrilled and so honored, I would have to tell him that until I can get more of my life on more "solid" foundation, I can't tell him yes no matter how much I would want to.

It just dawns on me that right now, no matter how much I long to love and be loved in return in a romantic way, whoever it was that loved me enough to want to marry me would have to understand I am simply just not ready. And I think it's a good thing that I know I'm not ready.

I'm not even living in my own place stable enough to support myself consistently. I wouldn't want to get married and have someone else support me. I want to know that I am sufficient at taking care of myself first.

I support marriage for anyone my age who is ready for it. In all honesty, I'm in awe because I feel like they possess some sort of foundation or stability that I don't but at the same time I'm not envious.

I am ready to commit myself to someone if the I feel it is the person I am supposed to, just not in a legally forever binding sort of manner.

I also realized just how important marriage is to me. I've always known that marriage is an absolutely huge step for me. I believe in a forever sort of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want to ever put myself, my family nor my future (still undecided about) children through that sort of trauma. Marriage is a one-time sort of deal for me. It's sacred and holy, and once I'm married that's it. That's the person I devote myself to forever.

That's another thing I've become very comforted about lately as well. I was thinking about this last week. On one hand it really bugs me that Eric and I date but we aren't dating. He's not my boyfriend, I'm not his girlfriend. Yet we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do other than the commitment and some obligations of being that for each other. But on the other hand I got to thinking, we aren't labeled sure, which makes me uneasy with how I know I feel about him. But on the other hand we are committed to each other. We only date each other, only make love to each other, and seek out each other's company. It sounds silly but I love that he texts me about his car whenever a new thing is going on with it. He loves his car. So naturally I love that he gets excited to tell me about it. It's sort of a man's odd way of showing that he cares about you....he includes you in the things that he likes. And I like to think that he likes to hear about whatever it is I'm interested in. In a very odd way, we are committed in one way to each other, in an unspoken way that as long as we are "talking" that no one else is being included in the picture.

He did tell me the other night I can "keep" him.

I think he's coming around. I think his heart is slowly mending.

Even if we don't end up together, as long as he learns that it's ok to love and can love someone else one day, then it's all worth it.

Yes I am crazy, trust me my friends remind me of it every day but what the hell, I'm a crazy sort of person that really sees something in Eric. It beats the hell out of me sometimes but there's something there. I just keep giving him chances.

Anywho, that's my truth about marriage currently.

Much respect to those that are ready to get married and have kids, you possess something I currently doing. I think it's commonly referred to as a biological clock. Does that mean I don't have one or simply mine is currently on pause?!

Newest project

I went to the store and got an unfinished photo frame and wood cutouts to make a photo frame for my bestie Britt for her birthday coming up. I also got some acrylic paint on clearance and have been sitting here working on the photo frame.

I love it!! I get to mix one love of photography with my love of creating feels really good to me right now. Just very refreshing and very calming for me right now.

I know it's not a huge thing but to me it's very therapeutic and something that allows me to express myself in one way.

I think it's going to lead to other creative projects....just a feeling.

Oh and I bought stuff to start making Christmas cards!!! Seriously, I got just a little too excited :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Truth: It's the littlest things that make me happy.

I got new tires on my car and now it doesn't wobble. Really, it doesn't wobble, it rides smooth!! She feels smooth as a baby's bottom and it's been the first time in a very long time.

I got five sticks in phlebotomy class on thursday and I got them all. Got them all easily, which felt good after missing all three times the evening before. Then again I did have a very hard guy to draw from. But still, it shook my confidence pretty badly.

I have a few new books that I checked out from the library and I can't wait to read them. I have two of the postsecret books, The Kite Runner and Three Cups of Tea. I love getting lost in books every once in awhile, escaping my mind.

Truth: I worked nine hours yesterday without interacting with children and it was a great change. I seriously worked the whole day but it felt good. It was a good change of pace and I got SO much accomplished!!

Today I have a ton of errands to run but I think I'm also going to take some "me" time and go wander around a little bit and be by myself. I think I need it. Without working, without obligations, without errands. Just a little bit of me time.

I want to get out and explore but it's freezing outside. The only downfall to winter. I hate being cold.

Oh well, I'll go get some hot cocoa and then after that I have no idea what I'll do.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Secret: I took the afternoon off of work today because I'm getting so burnt out.

Working two jobs and taking this phlebotomy class is turning out to eat up ALL my time....I don't know how I could do this much longer than 2 1/2 months. It's craziness. But I need the extra money and I need the base money and I need to be doing something or otherwise I'd totally be hating where I'm at with life.

I wish someone would have told me just how hard and un-content I would be the year after college. Seriously, I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at all. I'm not in a place that feels comfortable, nor familiar. And honestly, I don't WANT to be here.

Where are all the goofy, motivated, driven, passionate people I interacted with?! Oh yeah, they are all still at CSU or in another place with people who are like that. Me, I'm in Brighton. I COULD move away but I don't feel I have enough of a foundation to do that quite yet. I just want out of here though. Now I realize why I left. This place has no opportunities for me nor anything that I like, want or care about.

Secret: The only reason I'm going to take my job full-time is I totally need the great health benefits stat. I NEED to go to the dentist, I NEED to get my eyes checked and new glasses, I NEED to get my perscription birth control. I can't afford to not have it currently. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year, haven't had my glasses perscription changed in three years, and am not on birth control right now because I simply can't afford to pay for any of it without awesome health insurance. I have crappy health insurance right now but can't really do anything with it.

I love the kids but I'm already getting burnt out. It doesn't hold the passion or excitement I so desperately need right now. It's just a means to an end and it reminds me why I didn't just settle for sucking it up and staying in Colorado Springs to finish my nursing degree. I'm miserable here. I don't know how to function in a place with people I can't really relate to who don't have the same outlook on life as me.

I need some excitement in my life. Not bad excitement, healthy excitement. Like a friend who will take to learning to hit the slopes with me, who I can live with and who also believes in recycling. I need someone who enjoys getting lost in a bookstore as much as I do and staying up until 2am dancing and rocking out in the kitchen full-throttle. I need someone who can go shopping with me and encourages me to get the craziest thing in the store and rock it with my inner confidence I'm always able to pull up for things like that. I want someone who can laugh and joke with me, and who I can come through the door complaining to high heaven and they run to get the goldfish and citrus drop to listen to my rant, and then tell me how dumb I'm being but how I can do this or that to move forward.

I had all of that last year and it's gone. All of it. My entire comfort and place in life that I had finally found has been stripped away little by little and I absolutely hate it. I know I have to move forward but last year I finally in 21 years found my place in life, a place I was comfortable and understood. I want that back. I feel really naked and lost without it.

Ok enough grumbling.

Truth: I want to go on an adventure, who wants to go with me and where will we go?!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Friday Night Lights Quote

This was part of Tyra's essay for her entrance into college at the end of the third season. It spoke to me.

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

I want a lot of things.....things that aren't necessarily material but are goals and dreams and opportunities.

I can't wait. And I openly welcome whatever brings possibilities my way.

I heart

Friday Night Lights!!!

As in the tv show....I just got done watching season three and honestly it's the best tv show around :) There's nothing that can compare to it.

I'd love to have a Tim Riggins in my life. He has the badboy edge but he's a sweetie down underneath it. He has heart and is a leader when needed. He loves and supports those around him and lets them know that. He's scared of failure but steps up to the plate. Oh goodness.

I went and watched my dad coach his last football game of the season this afternoon. It was fun watching him; I realized that I stand exactly like him a good majority of the time. I get a lot of my mannerisms from him. But I also found I get a lot of passion from him. My dad's passion focuses around God, family and football. I have those same passions but also much more. But it's goood to see that my passion derives from somewhere though I'm not quite sure he is as passionate as I am. At one point in his life, when he was younger and had more energy I'm sure he did. But right now his energy has waned just a tad....but it was encouraging to see that in him.

I've found my serenity as of late has been the library or a bookstore. I just find a weird peace there, like I can escape my troubles. I'm actually there right now. I can fly and be myself.

I have to get new tires on my car.....ugh. My parents are paying for it and I feel bad. I feel like I should be able to pay for it on my own but I can't afford it right now.

In some ways the year after you graduate just really sucks. But I keep holding onto faith that sometime in the next few years my life will somehow begin to make more sense and to become less turbulent. But at the same time I have a huge fear of it becoming monotonous and boring.

I don't understand how people my age are able to settle down and get married and have kids. My mom says it's about finding the right person. But I feel like I would get bored and feel stiffled at this point in my life. I feel like I'm odd because I just don't have a desire for that anytime soon.....but I guess that also comes with realizing that I'm nowhere near a point emotionally, financially and physically that it would be suitable for that to happen. I guess it just makes me again feel like the oddball out that I'm oddly enough one of very few people my age who don't even desire that nor begin to think about it. I guess it does require first require dating someone....and that's not happening in my life probably any time soon!!

Oh man, ranting again, I just have so many thoughts and everything has been running through my mind wildly all week. I'm verbally puking again. I guess that's what happens when you start to feel like life isn't going the way you would want it to at the moment. And when you start really starting to think about your future and getting to where you want.

First step: get into nursing school. I really hope I make the first round picks. I'll find out at the end of this month. Crossing my fingers....

Friday, November 06, 2009

Bills Bills Bills

I hate bills....officially....seriously.

And credit cards.

Actually I love credit cards, I hate having to pay back the money.

And I'm not a fan of paying back student loans so quickly, at least not in this economy where it's so hard to get a job. They expect me to be able to pay back almost $100/month six months after graduation. Are they nuts?!

Is it the end of the month yet?! I just need to get paid already....

On a good note: if I can lose six pounds by the end of the month and my paycheck comes back big enough, I'm going to treat myself to a shirt dress at pacsun I've fallen in love with.

Maybe that sort of thing is the reason I'm broke....

Running Rampid

Today my dad starts training me on the chanelle machine. I'm getting hours (YAY) at the expense of doing things I need to do or even just having a bit of rest time (NAY). It will be good though....when I have that paycheck in hand it will all be good. That's what I keep telling myself.

I hope those whose parents pay for any part of their lives realize how lucky they are. Granted I'm lucky to be living for free, money-wise. But not free in terms of happiness. Ugh I just don't like not living with people my age, it's a huge kicker for me.

Need to stop complaining. This week has been crazy busy. I haven't even had much time to work out except once. This morning I had to clean my room which I exploded this past week. Now I have to get a shower and then go re-register my car. Then I'm being trained. I literally get home from work and class and fall fast asleep, without any warning. I've been going to bed at 9pm. I feel like SUCH an old granny!!!

However, one plus is I'm getting a lot better at drawing blood!! I love my class, well the lab part the best. It means I actually get to stick people :) I did four sticks last night and was successful on all four, only one having to readjust the needle more than was quite poke and then see that blood!!! And all my people's told me it didn't hurt hardly at all other than the EMT student who said she had felt it when I poked her hand. Not surprising, there are a LOT more nerves on your hand. So far I have 10 successful sticks, and I think I had four unsuccessful ones but I didn't document them. YEAH!!!

I'm worried about one of my besties. She's living with her bf who I don't like, who has cheated on her. Thursday, me and another friend of hers were over at their apartment lifting her spirits while he was out of town. And then he's back and she's happy that he's hinting at proposing to really?! I'm reckless as all get out with my heart, but I don't want to see my friends do the same. They deserve ONLY the best and she's settling for a guy who treats her like crap. I've even told her this, told her I think she needs to get out of the relationship but I can't make any decisions for her. I also sound a bit like a hypocrite when I'm over here in whatever the hell situation is going on between Eric and I and I can't walk away from it because I love him.

Love is blind and love is tricky. This I've learned.

I'm scared though. Scared Eric will even read what I'm writing right now and take it the wrong way. But I'm in love with him. I can't deny it. And it's been hitting me so bad lately. Like this morning, I was going through my sock drawer mating up the mismatched socks when I found the ticket to the Rockies game from 4th of July. We were still together at that point and heavens knows how that ticket ended up in my sock drawer but just the intense feelings that washed over me literally knocked the breath out of me. I love him. And I'm not sure if he loves me back. It's stupid really, I should be able to say "forget this" but I've never dealt with these feelings before. And it scares me. It scares me that I'm most likely setting myself up for failure.....unless by some miraculous reason Eric decides he loves me back and realizes what I'm worth.

Why is it that women know we deserve a-maz-ing and then we settle for less?! Why do I settle for Eric's wishy-washy attitude towards dating?! Because I love him. Because I think he's worth it, because I see something in him. I just am afraid I will be disappointed in the end. I have so many guards up but they still can't contain the intensity of my feelings towards Eric. But I've realized I do what I do best.....I ignore my own feelings and am there for others.

I've gotten really good at ignoring my feelings since my freshman year, since the entire Joe incident. That's the only way I could deal. To shut off my feelings of getting hurt as much as possible. Since then I've learned that I feel things rather intensely and I've learned to navigate when to let that passion explode and when to rein it in. I've also found that when I can't let my feelings be expressed the way I want them to, that I simply ignore them.

Ignorance is bliss, right?! Not always. But it works a good percentage of the time. I don't have to be too hurt by Eric if I ignore my feelings of love for him. But then again I can't control ignoring them when I go to bed at night......that's when all my insecurities and all my true feelings for Eric mold into one "sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare" as Beyonce so graciously puts it.

I have gotten really good at ignoring the pain of my family's problems....until I go to sleep. I have gotten really good at ignoring my own insecurities of my life's future....until I go to sleep and then it all becomes expressed in these astoundingly vivid dreams that I can't even begin to describe their depth and the outpouring of emotions that happens.

That's another thing about feeling things way too's somehow connected to my very vivid dreams....the colors, the crazy chaos, the amount of stuff that happens in one singular dream.

Oh my mind is running rampid and now I need to go re-register my car. Shower first, then off to the races. My poor car :( she needs cleaned so badly!! That's one of my things to do this weekend....vacuum her, clean her interior, and then give her a much needed and much deserved wash!!

Thank you trusty steed for getting me everywhere I need to go.....

Goodness I'm a rambler today...

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Pics please

Eamonn and I sharing a PBR and him "figuring out my life" hahaha

Best and much-missed ex-roomie Britt

I have a desire to just drop my life currently and leave and go somewhere else, just get away for a little bit. I wonder if anyone else ever has that same desire. But at the same time I have a desire for what's going on in my life to be intensified....well the good parts anyway. Too bad neither is probably going to happen. I also have a desire to be closer to certain people in my life. Why is life so complicated?! Why aren't there more hours in the day?! Why do I have a constant need to make my life pure chaos?! Albeit I don't ever make it chaos on purpose. Passion plays a part in that. Thank you passion. Also my newfound love of recklessness isn't helping most situations.

I think I'm yearning for something and I can't quite figure out what it is. I found a postsecret the other day while I was at Borders reading and it said this: "I am so scared I will never find what I am looking for because I am a bad looker." I relate to that just a little too much.

But then I also found this one that struck perilously close to the center of my heart: "I want to find someone who will love me after I've shared all my secrets."

Goal for this month: lose six pounds. Seriously, I know life isn't about looks but I just want to my legs to be smokin hott....wonder if they ever will be.

Ugh, I have a long busy day ahead of me again with no rest in sight anytime soon. I started working for my parents again on the side on top of my full-time job at the preschool and then my phlebotomy class. Don't exactly have the time for it but also REALLY need to money.

See life is just complicated. Complicated chaos currently.

Oi vai!!

Ok seriously have a need for a good book and a great photog session.....relaxation, why can't I have you currently?!

Scoliosis flare-up again. Ick my entier back hurts SO bad.....oh well, nice hot showers in the morning to relax my muscles.

Need to workout this afternoon.

Ok brain running a million miles a minute. I need to really I just need to talk, talk, talk, talk and get SO many things out of my head. But no time currently.

Off for my day.

Bonjour and tout a'leure!!!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Halloween Fun

I'll let you in on a little secret....I absolutely hated feeling as slut-tastic as I did on friday but I also reveled in it. I can't help it, it's my inner rebellion.

I've never been so showy of my legs ever before. I'm curvy in my hip/leg/butt area but I'm learning to flaunt my figure. Therefore, I loved being able to flaunt myself. Don't get me wrong, I really wasn't that slutty. I've just never dressed so revealing before.....other than prancing around in my swimsuit as a lifeguard and swim season. But that was around a group of people who shared the same half-naked love of being a swimmer.....those people saw me every day sans make-up and flattering clothes with my hair in a swim cap and goggles on my eyes....and vice versa me seeing them that way. It was an acceptance of who you were as a person. That's not how society was. So this was a different form of daring for me, though I don't mind prancing around in my swim suit most the time.

But I loved it. I loved pushing the envelope. Hell I love doing that most days anyway. I have a tendency to do it more often than not anymore. But it was fun.

It was great to see Eamonn's band play, to see Britt and Shel no matter how different it was. It was good to be back in FoCo and feel a little bit of the energy I'm used to being in.

If only I could do it more often.

Last night was also fun.....a night of horror movies....oh I love it!! Love love loved it!!

Eric and I went bowling then watched horror was a really good evening for us.

It felt good to feel him caress my head so lovingly for the first time, to spend so much time with him and he WANTED to spend that much time with me. To look in his eyes and again be able to tell he cares for me. His walls are slowly coming down. But at the same time, I revel in knowing that what is going on between us is not serious as of yet....I still have walls up around him.

But I love the time we spend together.....he's being genuine and I couldn't ask for more. It's not perfect but it's real and genuine and that's what I want.

I went to one of my besties house on thursday. Drank a few beers, laughed, bashed on guys....ok Sheree and Britt did the bashing, I did the eating and some of the drinking and was a moral support. I loved being back with on old friend.....she needs me and I love being there for her. I wish I could be there for my friends more often.

Credit dangerous, yet so amazing. Love them and hate them. I freak out about money anymore, all the time, living paycheck to wants go above and beyond my income. I need to work on that. I do pretty well with my money most of the time but these credit cards make it easy to rack a couple hundred dollars back up as soon as I get them paid off.

I desire to live with people my age. I need to. Hopefully within the next year that will happen....I will be able to afford to.

I hear whether I'm accepted in the first round of nursing applicants the end of this month....scary!!!

Ok, I'm headed to Barnes & Noble then Best Buy. I'm going to go read more of A Thousand Splendid Suns.....SUCH a great book that I'm too lazy to buy and the library here doesn't have. Then I have a gift card and I'm getting season three of Friday Night Lights.....oh I can't wait. I heart that dad put a love of football into me in more ways than I want to admit.

Oh well, it's part of me.

I'm slowly becoming more content in various ways....but I wish more of my life was figured out....don't we all?! I just am tired of so much transition, yet I'm reveling in the freedom.

Talk about being a weirdo who doesn't make

Friday, October 30, 2009

Currently Wishing

Currently wishing I had the $$$$ to spend on snowboarding schizz right now....found some great new pants, and some pretty discounted boards/boots/bindings....but still not cheap!!!

I need a sugga-daddy right now....really....that would be super awesome!!!

Oh I really don't need all these materialistic crap but I want it....what's wrong with me?! But I would really love to start snowboarding again and try to get good at it. Oh geez louis.

$$$$......I hate it most times. UGH!

Misfit Mayhem

Misfit Mayhem tonight!!!

Headed back to FoCo to party it up with some old dear friends, punk rock style.

Costumes included :)

I love heading back to a little part of me that I recognize and feel confidant with....why can't I find that here?!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Snow Day Sled Time

So today was the second of two snow days we had....the snow hit and it hit HARD!! I got some cabin fever so Eric and I decided to go sledding :)


My phlebotomy class is going rather well :) Although I just found out I'm going to have to pay for my clinicals and I'm rather broke most of the time. So much I want to do and SO little money currently....and I don't even pay rent or utilities!!

Eric and I are "talking" again.....which makes me happy yet a tad hesitant all at once but right now I'm really just rolling with it.

Fact: We are crazy about each other.

I love him and there's something I just can't get away from when it comes to him. He's my kryptonite. Attractive and fun yet a tad deadly. But I can't seem to pull my heart away from him even when my mind tells me it would probably be the best thing for my heart.

Fact: My heart is a tad more guarded.

My heart is still out on the line but it's not blatantly open to him like it was before. I've put up a few walls and I think it's actually been a good thing. I've been able to be more myself. At the same time, I make it a point to also hang with my girls and other friends just as much as I do spend time with him. I think this is the only way I can keep myself protected.

Fact: We have a great time when we're together.

Yes he's been a jackass and I slightly yelled at him the one time but we have a great time together. We laugh and joke and play and tell stories. It's nice to have that companionship right now, even if it is from someone who's more than a friend yet less than a boyfriend.

Fact: We make each other smile.

It's just truth.

Fact: the uncertainty of the future.

Whhen it comes from his standpoint, he's afraid to be hurt again. I understand this though it drives me crazy. He knows I won't be another Kelly, he knows I could rock his world and offer him the world and make him the luckiest and happiest guy around....he just chooses to not let me do that for him. He's afraid at the uncertainty of not being sure I'm not going to hurt him. And I'm afraid of the uncertainty that he might not break my heart again. We have SO much we both want to do and accomplish and I think we can support each other in it, I think we both just might be a little hesitant about it though currently. Time will tell.

I really do care for him. It's stupid and insensible and probably completely erratic of me but I can't deny it. I can't admit it fully and I can't deny it either way.

There's a reason for Eric in my life currently.....I'm just unsure of it. I'm unsure of what our futures are going to bring and whether he's just Mr. Right Now or has the potential for Mr. Right. My heart says the later, but my mind tells me the first in preparation for another heartbreak.

Either way, I'm done fighting it. Eric and I can't stay away from each other. We'll see what that reason is. Yet we also remain friends no matter what is going on. Time will tell....I'm just gonna let time work this one out whatever way it works.

I'm focusing on school and my future and being a great friend to all my friends. I'm repairing my relationship with my parents and focusing on the close-knit family I so badly want back. I'm working on being my age and having fun and trying to find my way in this life. We'll see if Eric comes along for the ride and vice versa.

I have faith in him. But does he have faith in himself? And can he learn to have faith in me? Time will tell.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Not gonna lie, paying for this phlebotomy class has been a HUGE pocket drainer. I think to date I've paid roughly $800 out of pocket. But it's been well worth it.

I enjoy paying for this class, I enjoy going to it and advancing my learning, and I thoroughly enjoy learning something new that's APPLICABLE!!! How many times did I sit through a class where I never got to and never will apply that knowledge?! Too many.

This I can apply, I can get a job and work with it while I'm going through nursing school.

It's nerve-wracking sticking other people but it's been fun. Just five more weeks to go!! Then I have clinicals...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Farm Day

We took our preschoolers to the "farm" today.

In spirit of course I slipped on my trusty (although borrowed) cowboy boots, wore a fun paisley scarf around my neck and galivanted off to Sunshine Farms with the kiddos all in tow :)

The kids had SO much fun, being able to run and play and be wild. No rules, lots of play stuff, lots of fun animals, kick-ass kid-friendly stuff to create folly on. Best of all, all the parents came so all I had to do was walk around with camera in hand and enjoy myself!!

It reminded me so much of growing up. I miss the days of wearing my cowboy boots, wranglers, hair in a pony tail, and my sweet belt buckle on. Wasn't very girly at all growing up but it was fun....jumping from the hayloft, causing mischief on the roof, playing in our "forest", feeding the pigs and of course hopping in the pens with the cows and getting in all sorts of trouble!! So refreshing, so wonderful, to be outside and revisit some great memories in my life.

Great day!!

Now on to phlebotomy class....get to draw people's from their real arms...AH! Oh man, story on that later.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Wash Park

Eric and I went to Wash Park on Sunday.

It felt so good to be outside in the 80-degree weather no matter how brief and enjoy some serenity outside. SO soothing for my soul.

I wish we spent more time like this together.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

This I Know

.....We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And this I know, nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life.....

Friday, October 16, 2009

Looking Forward To:

Sipping on coffee and a little bit of breakfast tomorrow morning at The Market people-watching and studying for my phlebotomy class, taking a few hours for myself to get away and calm my nerves down. Feeling the warm sunshine on my face while I try to inconspicuously snap pictures of the scenery with my camera.

I'm putting my heart back out on the line. It's easy to keep it wrapped up and probably wise, but I can't live without my heart, so I'm working on healing it. I'm working on being ok with still loving Eric but knowing he's not ready to be in a relationship or love me back. I'm working on being in a place I'm not comfortable, without a place to call my own with people who understand me.

I have my God. That's enough right?! Right. It's always enough. I'm working on remembering that right now. I'm working on allowing God to hold me steady, hold me upright when I need someone to lean on, and to be the ONE that is there for me. Not some boy named Eric, nor family, nor friends....though they can be and I know my girls WILL be there for me. But the only constant I need is God, I think He's trying to help me remember that.

But also this weekend, hopefully I can have some girl soul therapy and a little bit of reprieve from the seriousness and responsibility of what people expect from me currently.

I'm trying to relax, trying to get rid of these anxiety attacks, trying to put back together my head before Mike triggered me.

I'm working on it. I'm looking forward, but trying to be content with right now.


Death sends a very weird feeling down my spine every time I encounter it. And I feel like it's been circling around the edges quite a bit lately.

A few weeks ago, a guy that graduated a few years ahead of me who I remember seeing in the hallways my freshman year but didn't know passed away. A bunch of people who I am friends with knew him but I didn't. But it still affects me when it affects those around me.

A few days ago another guy I actually knew and was friends with his brother passed away. Joe Grein. I go to church with his grandmother, was good friends with his brother while I was dating Mike, and I know his cousins Rachel and Andrew pretty well. Joe was a great person, I remember that. His whole family is. Loving caring people.

Today driving around doing errands I saw two firetrucks at Elmwood Cemetary with the big flag drapped down, a few firemen in dress uniforms preparing the trucks. A few streets down a few more engines full of firefighters with dress uniforms on were waiting and a few cop cars with the cops waiting for a procession. I'm lucky I didn't see the procession, it would have made me cry.

But death seems to be lurking, and I'm not the best at knowing how to deal with death. If it affects me personally, I can deal with it. But I don't know how to properly display emotions towards death and how it affects me to others. I'm not sure how to comfort others, especially if they don't have the same faith as me. And how cliche does it sound to say that God has a purpose for this and someone is now in Heaven, though that's what I most often believe. But it's not comforting.

Death always has the effect of sobering me and reminding me of what's important, that life is too short to be too responsible or care too much. It reminds me to allow me that my passionate crazy emotions are ok to feel. The only problem is that everyone around me seems to think that being responsible is of the utmost importance, appearances mean everything, and letting oneself live passionately is not how anyone should live.

I want to live freely again, but I feel constrained. I want to live back with people my own age who are going through the same things as me. I really want to be around people who are going through the same problems. I want a place that feels comfortable, at home, that I can make my own.

Maybe one day soon?!

All I know is death is lurking around the corner in life right now and I know how I want to live, I just don't know how to make that happen.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


All in all, I'm doing fine but I'm not doing fine.

These anxiety attacks have been taking a huge toll on my body. Aunt flow came a week early...while I'm still taking birth control. My body doesn't do abnormal things like this. My back is in constant painful pain, and now my neck constantly hurts from being so tense all the time. I'm used to my back constantly being sore and by the end of the day a tad uncomfortable. I'm not used to it really hurting like this. I'm also not used to my neck hurting, and hurting so bad. Ibprofen doesn't really do much, and my body is normally sensitive to any sort of medication as I don't take medication very much.

My dreams at night have been restless, and bothersome. To a point where all I want to do at the end of the day is hit my bed and crash but my greatest fear is falling asleep not knowing what sort of bothersome dream I'm in store of having. I crave sleep and I hate sleep right now. It sucks.

I don't know how to handle this so I'm doing it the best I know how. By ignoring it on one level, worrying/stressing on another level, and coping when I have a few moments to myself to breathe.

I started my phlebotomy class this week. It's been rather fun thus far. Nerve-racking but fun. I got to draw blood from a fake arm today and it felt refreshing, it felt refreshing to be learning something and taking a step forward with my life. I'm paying for this class directly out of my pocket (a bittersweet feeling), I'm bettering my education which has taken a halt up until now, and I'm easing myself into the medical field slowly but surely. Not to mention, the second time when I hit the "vein" all by myself without the help of the instructor, without the instructor even looking, made me feel good. I can learn new skills. And I got some kudos from the other classmates.

The woman who sits next to me is named Polly and she has two kids. She's redheaded, soft-spoken and very sweet. She has a silent support and it's been nice to have that.

I am babysitting this weekend. I'm also studying at The Market downtown to get away from everything here in Brighton for awhile, take an opportunity to enjoy a "local" coffee shop and people watch and be 22 for a little bit, a 22-year-old who doesn't have to worry about being Ms. Nic or a strong person for those around me who like to think it's ok for me to not be ok.

I also will be hanging out with a couple of my girls. Therapy for my soul. I need it. I need my girls. I need time with a couple people who understand who I am and where I'm coming from. Spending some time with a couple of my best friends who can understand what I mean when I say I feel everything and nothing all at once, my best friends who understand I need to talk but can't talk about a lot right now because it's too painful.

I've almost given up on Eric. He has decided to ignore me in one of my biggest times of need. There is so much to say, but nothing I want to say. I am still in love with him. That hasn't changed. But I also don't know how to deal with everyting. He was this wonderful person before he broke up with me in July and since then I don't get him. I don't know whether to believe if he really cares about me or loves me with how he has acted on quite a few occasions. If you love someone, you show them right?! You care about their well-being, emotionally and physically. You want to be around them. At least that's what I thought. But I can't talk about him right now. It hurts. It hurts too much. And I don't know how to deal with being in love with someone who I'm not sure really ever did love me though he said he did and who now ignores me, completely ignores me.

I have too much to deal with. It's easy for people to say not stress, but I can't not stress.

I want my family back. I want to be happy with where I live and who I am again. I want laughter back in my life, people who understand me and support my (sometimes stupid and irrational) decisions, a place to call home that actually feels comfortable and I don't feel like an intruder, and the confidence I had just a few short months ago. So much has changed since graduation....and I'm not happy with where I'm at.

But I'm learning to try to be content and thankful to God for where I am, though I don't like it.

Like today, I got to see Britt while getting my transcripts on campus. I bumped into her unknowingly and I got a huge hug. She doesn't realize how much that one hug, and Britt whom I love for her crazy self and loves me back for my crazy self, made my day because for the first time in quite awhile, I felt special and loved for exactly who I am and it was shown in a few brief seconds when we spotted each other and we were wholly excited to see each other and hug each other. It so totally made my day to know that someone who knows me to the core still loves and appreciates running into me, and can embrace me so tight and lovingly.

I'm trying to learn to be content and patient. I'm trying to have listening ears as to what God's plan is for my life right now. I'm really trying.

I just can't help but long to feel as confidant and happy as I was a few short months ago....I'm working on it, slowly but surely, and I'm trying to slow down a little bit and figure out a few things in my life.

Until then, my nose will be in my phlebotomy books...

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Last night I went to Kelly's 21st. We celebrated at a condo in Idaho Springs. It was actually really fun. I learned I really like jello shots.

But the night didn't end well for me.

I was triggered. An event eight years ago in my past came flashing back before me. I was in a very similar situation and found myself starting an anxiety attack. It's been a very long time since I've been triggered. I almost don't know how to handle this.

My heart hasn't slowed down to anything less than 80 bpm since around midnight when it happened. I feel like I have a concrete wall again on my chest and my muscles won't relax and won't stop shaking. My body can't control it's temp, and I keep fluctuating between hot and cold. This is normal when I get any sort of anxiety attack for normal stress. But unlike stress anxiety attacks, this brought back a flooding of thoughts and memories I've worked very hard and very long to secure up and now they just won't stop flooding my brain. All my insecurities are being jiggled around again. How do I fight this again?!?! I've gotten used to pushing it to the back of my head every single day. Now what do I do when it's at the forefront.

I feel dirty and used again. I feel ashamed and vulnerable. I feel mad and anxious and low. I feel very much alone again like I did eight years ago. And it hurts so bad. My emotions are going all over the place.

On top of that, Eric got angry that I was there and didn't give me a chance to explain anything. I didn't need his permission to go but I woke up to him being angry and I told him about the incident before I was ready and he doesn't understand what sort of a big deal this trigger was and then on top of that him being mad has made me so completely upset. He doesn't know nor understand my past and the long road I've been on because of it.

I don't like being guys holding on to me if I don't want them to. That's a huge trigger. But to be held against my will is a guaranteed triger. Mike continually pulling me onto his lap in the hot tub though I was very obviously trying to get away from him and him holding me there with both arms around me was my trigger. Flashbacks and anxiety set in. I couldn't make a scene with Kelly sitting next to me, that's her brother, and it was her party. So I froze, like I did eight years ago. Then when he wouldn't let me out of the hot tub and proceeded to kiss me when I didn't want to, I felt so used once again. I can't describe that feeling at all. I couldn't fight him, I couldn't freak out without letting everyone know about my past and I froze, so I let happen what happened.

And then for him to keep his arm around me and make me kiss him several more times.....I couldn't get away. Anytime I moved he'd put an arm around me very forcefully and when I would try to wiggle away he'd find a different way to hold onto me.

I finally was able to go lock myself in a room.

I don't want to deal with this right now. I can't.

And Eric is mad. He doesn't understand the situation and he doesn't understand how I feel. I want to talk to him. He won't talk to me. He's mad I went, he's mad about the kiss though he doesn't understand and has no right when he refuses to date me nor call me his gf and continues to play with my heart.

He has no right to be mad I was there but then to tell him about Mike before I was ready to today and him not really understanding, just has made the anxiety worse. I can't get myself to calm down.

I have tons of other guys asking for my number, dates, etc. The one person I want to love with my whole heart, who I want to love me back, to call me his gf, and let me close, doesn't seem to care. The only one I want to talk to is him. And I feel like I can't, and that he won't. I want him to care, to show me he cares. I want to be given a real chance. I want him to understand. I want to make up for a situation which isn't even my fault.

I don't know how to handle this trigger or anxiety attack.....

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Innocent Enthusiasm

One of the most beautiful forms of raw expression is the pure excitement little kids get....over the littlest things!!

Awhile back, Eric was relaying a story to me. He was telling me about going to a car club thing and one of the girls brought her son. While they were standing around, the little boy saw a helicopter for the first time and literally was so excited he probably could have jumped out of his pants.

Eric's comment was that he wished he could get that excited over things!

One of my problems in working around adults most times is I DO get that excited, quite often and quite easy!! It's not hard when you really let yourself enjoy the things around you and love your life!! It gets me lots of weird stares, sure.

Which makes me sad, I wish people didn't usually lose that enthusiasm growing up. I hear adults say it a lot that they can't get that excited because....well they have to be adult. Who said that getting excited over small things wasn't being an adult and being a "grown up"?! I can still be mature and responsible.....but I can also dance and clap my hands and laugh with my full belly when I find delight in something.

My face is allowed to light up brighter than the sun when I find something that just completely amuses me and touches me. It doesn't make me any less adult, it just makes me more in touch with my happy side!!

I wish people learned to let go of what they thought they were supposed to be and get excited over the small things more often.

Like Patrick every morning when he sees airplanes waiting to go inside or when he's so absolutely delighted over a story or getting ready to go out on the playground: his face lights up, his mouth goes into a complete "O" that takes over his face in suspenseful anticipation and he flaps his arms (most the time bending at the waist a little bit because his body is trying to keep himself in balance) and then he'll clap his hands together and squeal in utter delight with a HUGE smile on his face!!

Now that is something I wish more people did with me.....not only would weird looks be less frequent towards me, but well, I think most people would be tons happier.

I love the innocent enthusiasm kids remind me to have and remind me to be completely ok matter how "adult" I am.

Monday, October 05, 2009

A Tad Scared

I'm sitting here filling out my third form for a background check (two others for the school district) for my phlebotomy class and I'm a little scared to take this class.

This is the first class I'll be taking in two years in relation to what I want to do with my life....this isn't a bullshit class in which I get to give less 100% because I don't care about what I'm learning. This is the first time in two years I really want to and have to be serious about a class. And I'm scared of failure.

I'm scared to fail because my future rides on me wanting to pursue my passion for nursing and this is the first time I've actually thought to myself, what if I'm not good enough?!

I have fears like anybody else. I'm not scared to be bad at most things, because in the long run it doesn't really matter that I'm not a joke-teller, that I don't have an extensive knowledge in any given area (ie cars, computers, music, sports, politics, economics, etc), that I have no special talents. I don't mind being less than average at most....I've always sat along the sidelines while my brothers shined at their certain areas and I sat in the background. I've always sat back while my mother and father marveled at how pretty other girls were over me. I've always sat back while others told jokes and I laughed. I always sat by and watched recognition go to others. Being outshined to me is normal.

But to fail at something that I have a passion for, that I want to become my life's work, that scares me. I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to shine and be the best (ok yes I secretly want to be but I'm also realistic with how much the pain would hurt if I turn out to not shine), but I don't want to fail. I don't want to be less than average, I don't even want to be average. I want to be excellent. I don't need the recognition or pats on the back. I just want for once to be good at something I'm really passionate about.

Passion is all I have. Talent hasn't been on my side. But I hope for once they can come together.

And I'm scared to fail.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Flute Beat-Boxing

This is just sa-WEET as hell!!

One thing I absolutely love to study is WWII. I know it's a very gruesome period in history but it was so unique and so treacherous that it is absolutely fascinating to me. In accordance with that, Anne Frank also fascinates me. We have a diary of a young girl who was in hiding during that time and her hopes, wishes, dreams.....all written down to give us a story. An amazing story.

Until now I've seen pictures galore of her. But The Anne Frank House in Germany just released the only footage I've ever seen of Anne Frank. In the short clip she is watching a bride and groom to walk down the stairs and out of the building. This is absolutely amazing!!!

This is a video of Otto Frank talking about his daughter's diary.....he has some very incredibly deep thoughts that first time watching this really sort of struck me.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Dearest Heart

Dearest Heart,

Why are you fretting?! Life is hard at times. You are in a huge transition period of your life. You need to learn to be content with the moment. Yes you have some times that you are content, but you also fret. Don't fret. God has your back.

Remember when you were pouring yourself out to God this morning in the car?! Maybe you should do that more often. Not to self though: when you get me so riled up I'm waving my hands in the air, you cause me to get funny looks from other drivers. It's ok. Just don't get embarrassed when you notice them giving you the "wtf look".

Yes life isn't exactly what you think it should be right now. But I follow your direction. When you fret, I fret. Just remember God's words....that He'll never give you more than you can handle and He will carry you through times when you can't stand on your own. Now is one of those times. "Be still and know that I am God." I think that's what God is trying to teach you right now. I think more than anything you need to remember the majesty that is God and the power that is His love for you.

God has amazing plans for us. He will one day bless your heart with a love so amazing you won't be able to stand'll almost jump out of your pants. Until then, be content with being single. Revel in the wonder that is family and friends and the freedom to go on any adventure you choose. Yes you love to be cuddled and kissed and loved upon, but you don't NEED it. You have never needed it, just craved it. Stop looking for it and God will show you something amazing. Maybe it's Eric, maybe it's not. God will show you in due time. Until then, please just learn to be calm in that area.

And yes, when it comes to family, time will heal wounds. Time IS healing wounds. Time will continue to heal wounds. Just don't take for granted any time spent with them.

Please stop fretting over not being able to see the world. You're crazy enough you'll spontaneously see it little by little. Just get out and go when you need and can. One day, the entire world will be at your hands. Until then, explore what's at hand.

Dear Heart, you are beautiful. Don't doubt it. God made you special. For it is by you that I'm able to function, that I'm able to take direction in life. It is by you that I am able to love others. It is by you that I am who I am and that I can make any sort of impact on the lives of others. It is by you that people love me and know me.

We can do amazing things together. You and I. We WILL do amazing wonderous things together. We have so much love to give to others, and so much to accomplish. We just need to take it one step at a time. Please don't fret. We will be ok.

You are wonderfully and specially crafted. You are strong, but also fragile. So please take care of yourself. You have some band-aids already. God has the most remarkable string and thread but let's face it, sometimes those scars still ache from time to time. Be healthy for yourself. You deserve the world and you will get the world. Please just don't fret. Be patient.

I love you. I can't wait to see what the future has planned for us. Don't be afraid to love, everyone deserves to be loved. Just please also be careful. Love is the greatest thing you have to offer the world. You're good at it!! But also be careful. You are so amazingly special, and you can't doubt that.

The greatest of all things is love. And your genuinity sometimes can be taken for granted but it's a beautiful thing. Please fight building too many walls around you again. I love you being open, careful but open. We're headed for the world!!

Let's keep taking this life by storm.

Loving you deeply,
Sometimes not showering and spending most of the day in your sweats is just a little bit of bliss!!!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Surrounded by Littleness

Some weeks are good, some weeks are bad. This one has been good....NOT because of attention from men or whatever, but because of my job.

The kids have been wonderful and this week one of my favorite little boys, Patrick, is making HUGE progress. He is learning to talk. For some kids that's not huge, but kids like Patrick with sensory problems and the such it's a HUGE accomplishment. To hear him say things like "no ball" and "help" are just absolutely amazing moments to me. I'm also learning how to communicate with him and read his moods and understand his wants. Not to mention it's fun to play with him and see his wonderful smile.

Patrick comes in the mornings and his older brother Duggan comes in the afternoons, and both are two of my absolute favorite little boys to be around. Duggan told me today "Ms. Nic I like you. I like you a lot." Little things like that mean the world to me!!

All of the kids are doing wonderfully. And they all love having me in their class. All of them can now say my name is some form whether it's Ms. Nicole, Ms. Nic, Ms. Cole, Ms. Mikole or other variations of my name :)

The DB girls have been great to watch this week, they were SO well-behaved yesterday!!!

And then watching Tyce today, all I could do is laugh. I'm the cool aunt :)

It's been such a great week!! I can't even tell you how much these little kids mean to me. They are exhausting and at times I'm so overwhelmed and am SO happy to give them over to their parents but at the same time, I love them all and are all so rewarding. The presence of God is SO apparent watching them!!

Here's Tyce running around today with his new Lightning McQueen pj's on his head (by the way, I know that movie WAY too well for my own good)!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ra Ra Ree, Kick em in the Knee

Last night I went and watched my dad coach football.

Ok, not a huge deal as my dad has coached football for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS. I've grown up around the game....I ate, breathed and slept football with my family for years. BUT he coached pee-wee and middle school.

This year he is coaching high school football at Fort Lupton dad has always wanted to coach high school football. It's his passion.

So I went and supported watching him coach the first home game of the season. I think it meant a lot to him to have me take time to come and see him and support him. Not gonna lie, I was bored out of my mind. They aren't good and got their asses handed to them with a final score of 44-0. The score was 30-0 halfway through the second quarter.

But he laughed and gave me a big hug.

I went with him to Coach Roedl's house after the game to have some food and a couple beers and chit-chat. It was fun :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Wow, aunt flow is in town....I just cried my eyes out watching the Grey's Anatomy's like my family is being torn apart!!

It's ridic how INTO some shows someone can get. I LOVE Grey's.....luv luv luv it!!!

I miss George :(

Birth Control

Most effective form of birth control ever:

working with preschoolers in Colorado (look up how the preschool program works...they are all spec ed or "at risk" kids) + babysitting 10 hr/wk for two girls under the age of 5 + horror pregnancy stories during lunch time + having a booster seat and carseat in my backseat

Seriously, I don't think anyone needs to worry about me getting pregnant anytime soon. I am MORE than religious about my birth control pills now....holy freaking cow, I could handle being a mother but sure as hell am NOT ready.....I'd say give it like five or ten years....

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Simplest Pleasures

Why this has been such a great and blessed weekend:

-curled up watching Grey's Anatomy season 2 all afternoon and evening last night
-an entire lazy saturday spent sans make-up and contacts
-cuddling up with Eric and having my face caressed so lovingly by a man I love
-a lazy sunday spent babysitting the DB girls
-another evening about to be spent watching Grey's season 2
-sunday morning spent out on the porch in a rocking chair with a cup of hot coffee in my pj's
-lots of laughter
-contentment with where i'm at in life for the first time in weeks
-knowing that when i go to work tomorrow, i'm going to be enjoy my job and my day, no matter how hard and exhausting it is

Sometimes the simplest pleasures come from the laziest and most "unfruitful" of times....but they are days we can recollect and relax and rejuvenate. Sometimes that's exactly what our souls need.

Tomorrow I have a dinner and movie date with my mom :) She is going to make dinner and we are going to watch Dirty Dancing in memory of Patrick Swayze and also as something to bond over. We spent my childhood bonding over chick flicks and later on shopping, once I showed her how enjoyable it can be to pamper yourself!! Hopefully this is a start to mending and moving forward....I can't help but be happy and optimistic about it. We have our differences but she'll always be my mama and one of my best friends. I just hope she knows that more of our relationship will be spent as friends from here on out and I will turn to her as a daughter when needed, but first we need to focus on maintaining our friendship. That's the easiest place to start.

Life's simplest pleasures are always the best.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I'm tryin not to tell you but I want to

As I'm standin here and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you and we start to dance
All around us I see nobody
Here in silence it's just you and me


This time we're not given up.

Got nothin but time on our hands.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place, if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday.

If only time flew like a dove, we'd make this fly, just keep lookin up.

Screamin hallelujah!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Love Takes Courage

Rollercoaster love.

Eric and I are not dating again. we had a great conversation yesterday via facebook. Unconventional but I think he is able to talk easier when there's no pressure coming from my end....though I think he's figuring out I'm supportive and understanding either way, he just is not good with conflict at all.

But I was able to pour out a little of my heart. He deserves the world.....but so do I and what was going on is not fair to me.

He finally admitted he's not ready to date. Yes we both love each other. But I think he has some deep scars he just hasn't fully mended to. He finally admitted he doesn't think he can be for me what I deserve and need him to be, that he can't be as open towards me as I am with him when it comes to matters of baring our hearts to each other. It was really quite refreshing to have this convo.

I basically told him that I'm not ready to date anyone but him so I will in theory be waiting for him to work on himself. I have faith in him. I really do. He just doesn't have the same faith in himself. I also let him know that if he doesn't ever feel for me what I feel for him then he needs to let me know. I laid down a few ground rules for how I expected to be treated.

But I also let him know that I understand. And I tried to let him know that me being as open and receptive to others with my heart and being so willing to love others is a pretty recent development and has been a huge work in progress.

He doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. But I think he's learning that I'm not someone who's going to hurt him....I will be supportive and understanding to a point and that I can completely relate to where he's coming from.

I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for honesty and sincerity and commitment. I hope he understands that. I'm looking for someone to grow with, not someone to be my knight in shining armour persay. I want someone who can be imperfect yet enjoy life with me, someone who can praise God with me and cry with me when I need it. Someone who will be there. Someone who at times will annoy me because I can't handle ALWAYS getting along and agreeing with someone 100% of the time. Someone who will treat me like I'm worth the world and who will allow me to smother them with love in return (in a completely healthy manner). I see it in him, he just doesn't see it in himself. He needs time to realize he's not as messed up as he thinks and he can offer me more....I see it in his eyes, he's just afraid to in fear of getting hurt.

Man I love being able to naturally read people well. There were some perks to growing up so incredibly shy. I got pretty good at being observant and reading people. I don't notice some things, like all the objects in my environments but I do pick up on body language and gestures and figuring out people pretty quickly.

All I know is love takes a lot of courage.....Eric just hasn't found as much courage as I have yet. And he hasn't figured out that yes, putting your heart out to others takes a lot of risk and you might get hurt....but more often than not, if people care about you back, there's no reason to worry.

And well, in my opinion, love is the most powerful thing. And I want to leave this world having loved to my full potential. It hurts for sure and carries huge risks....but at the same time, I'd rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Lvoe is the most beautiful thing :) Follow your heart kid, and you can never go wrong.