Friday, October 30, 2009

Currently Wishing

Currently wishing I had the $$$$ to spend on snowboarding schizz right now....found some great new pants, and some pretty discounted boards/boots/bindings....but still not cheap!!!

I need a sugga-daddy right now....really....that would be super awesome!!!

Oh I really don't need all these materialistic crap but I want it....what's wrong with me?! But I would really love to start snowboarding again and try to get good at it. Oh geez louis.

$$$$......I hate it most times. UGH!

Misfit Mayhem

Misfit Mayhem tonight!!!

Headed back to FoCo to party it up with some old dear friends, punk rock style.

Costumes included :)

I love heading back to a little part of me that I recognize and feel confidant with....why can't I find that here?!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Snow Day Sled Time

So today was the second of two snow days we had....the snow hit and it hit HARD!! I got some cabin fever so Eric and I decided to go sledding :)


My phlebotomy class is going rather well :) Although I just found out I'm going to have to pay for my clinicals and I'm rather broke most of the time. So much I want to do and SO little money currently....and I don't even pay rent or utilities!!

Eric and I are "talking" again.....which makes me happy yet a tad hesitant all at once but right now I'm really just rolling with it.

Fact: We are crazy about each other.

I love him and there's something I just can't get away from when it comes to him. He's my kryptonite. Attractive and fun yet a tad deadly. But I can't seem to pull my heart away from him even when my mind tells me it would probably be the best thing for my heart.

Fact: My heart is a tad more guarded.

My heart is still out on the line but it's not blatantly open to him like it was before. I've put up a few walls and I think it's actually been a good thing. I've been able to be more myself. At the same time, I make it a point to also hang with my girls and other friends just as much as I do spend time with him. I think this is the only way I can keep myself protected.

Fact: We have a great time when we're together.

Yes he's been a jackass and I slightly yelled at him the one time but we have a great time together. We laugh and joke and play and tell stories. It's nice to have that companionship right now, even if it is from someone who's more than a friend yet less than a boyfriend.

Fact: We make each other smile.

It's just truth.

Fact: the uncertainty of the future.

Whhen it comes from his standpoint, he's afraid to be hurt again. I understand this though it drives me crazy. He knows I won't be another Kelly, he knows I could rock his world and offer him the world and make him the luckiest and happiest guy around....he just chooses to not let me do that for him. He's afraid at the uncertainty of not being sure I'm not going to hurt him. And I'm afraid of the uncertainty that he might not break my heart again. We have SO much we both want to do and accomplish and I think we can support each other in it, I think we both just might be a little hesitant about it though currently. Time will tell.

I really do care for him. It's stupid and insensible and probably completely erratic of me but I can't deny it. I can't admit it fully and I can't deny it either way.

There's a reason for Eric in my life currently.....I'm just unsure of it. I'm unsure of what our futures are going to bring and whether he's just Mr. Right Now or has the potential for Mr. Right. My heart says the later, but my mind tells me the first in preparation for another heartbreak.

Either way, I'm done fighting it. Eric and I can't stay away from each other. We'll see what that reason is. Yet we also remain friends no matter what is going on. Time will tell....I'm just gonna let time work this one out whatever way it works.

I'm focusing on school and my future and being a great friend to all my friends. I'm repairing my relationship with my parents and focusing on the close-knit family I so badly want back. I'm working on being my age and having fun and trying to find my way in this life. We'll see if Eric comes along for the ride and vice versa.

I have faith in him. But does he have faith in himself? And can he learn to have faith in me? Time will tell.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Not gonna lie, paying for this phlebotomy class has been a HUGE pocket drainer. I think to date I've paid roughly $800 out of pocket. But it's been well worth it.

I enjoy paying for this class, I enjoy going to it and advancing my learning, and I thoroughly enjoy learning something new that's APPLICABLE!!! How many times did I sit through a class where I never got to and never will apply that knowledge?! Too many.

This I can apply, I can get a job and work with it while I'm going through nursing school.

It's nerve-wracking sticking other people but it's been fun. Just five more weeks to go!! Then I have clinicals...

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Farm Day

We took our preschoolers to the "farm" today.

In spirit of course I slipped on my trusty (although borrowed) cowboy boots, wore a fun paisley scarf around my neck and galivanted off to Sunshine Farms with the kiddos all in tow :)

The kids had SO much fun, being able to run and play and be wild. No rules, lots of play stuff, lots of fun animals, kick-ass kid-friendly stuff to create folly on. Best of all, all the parents came so all I had to do was walk around with camera in hand and enjoy myself!!

It reminded me so much of growing up. I miss the days of wearing my cowboy boots, wranglers, hair in a pony tail, and my sweet belt buckle on. Wasn't very girly at all growing up but it was fun....jumping from the hayloft, causing mischief on the roof, playing in our "forest", feeding the pigs and of course hopping in the pens with the cows and getting in all sorts of trouble!! So refreshing, so wonderful, to be outside and revisit some great memories in my life.

Great day!!

Now on to phlebotomy class....get to draw people's from their real arms...AH! Oh man, story on that later.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Wash Park

Eric and I went to Wash Park on Sunday.

It felt so good to be outside in the 80-degree weather no matter how brief and enjoy some serenity outside. SO soothing for my soul.

I wish we spent more time like this together.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

This I Know

.....We do not get unlimited chances to have the things we want. And this I know, nothing is worse than missing an opportunity that could have changed your life.....

Friday, October 16, 2009

Looking Forward To:

Sipping on coffee and a little bit of breakfast tomorrow morning at The Market people-watching and studying for my phlebotomy class, taking a few hours for myself to get away and calm my nerves down. Feeling the warm sunshine on my face while I try to inconspicuously snap pictures of the scenery with my camera.

I'm putting my heart back out on the line. It's easy to keep it wrapped up and probably wise, but I can't live without my heart, so I'm working on healing it. I'm working on being ok with still loving Eric but knowing he's not ready to be in a relationship or love me back. I'm working on being in a place I'm not comfortable, without a place to call my own with people who understand me.

I have my God. That's enough right?! Right. It's always enough. I'm working on remembering that right now. I'm working on allowing God to hold me steady, hold me upright when I need someone to lean on, and to be the ONE that is there for me. Not some boy named Eric, nor family, nor friends....though they can be and I know my girls WILL be there for me. But the only constant I need is God, I think He's trying to help me remember that.

But also this weekend, hopefully I can have some girl soul therapy and a little bit of reprieve from the seriousness and responsibility of what people expect from me currently.

I'm trying to relax, trying to get rid of these anxiety attacks, trying to put back together my head before Mike triggered me.

I'm working on it. I'm looking forward, but trying to be content with right now.


Death sends a very weird feeling down my spine every time I encounter it. And I feel like it's been circling around the edges quite a bit lately.

A few weeks ago, a guy that graduated a few years ahead of me who I remember seeing in the hallways my freshman year but didn't know passed away. A bunch of people who I am friends with knew him but I didn't. But it still affects me when it affects those around me.

A few days ago another guy I actually knew and was friends with his brother passed away. Joe Grein. I go to church with his grandmother, was good friends with his brother while I was dating Mike, and I know his cousins Rachel and Andrew pretty well. Joe was a great person, I remember that. His whole family is. Loving caring people.

Today driving around doing errands I saw two firetrucks at Elmwood Cemetary with the big flag drapped down, a few firemen in dress uniforms preparing the trucks. A few streets down a few more engines full of firefighters with dress uniforms on were waiting and a few cop cars with the cops waiting for a procession. I'm lucky I didn't see the procession, it would have made me cry.

But death seems to be lurking, and I'm not the best at knowing how to deal with death. If it affects me personally, I can deal with it. But I don't know how to properly display emotions towards death and how it affects me to others. I'm not sure how to comfort others, especially if they don't have the same faith as me. And how cliche does it sound to say that God has a purpose for this and someone is now in Heaven, though that's what I most often believe. But it's not comforting.

Death always has the effect of sobering me and reminding me of what's important, that life is too short to be too responsible or care too much. It reminds me to allow me that my passionate crazy emotions are ok to feel. The only problem is that everyone around me seems to think that being responsible is of the utmost importance, appearances mean everything, and letting oneself live passionately is not how anyone should live.

I want to live freely again, but I feel constrained. I want to live back with people my own age who are going through the same things as me. I really want to be around people who are going through the same problems. I want a place that feels comfortable, at home, that I can make my own.

Maybe one day soon?!

All I know is death is lurking around the corner in life right now and I know how I want to live, I just don't know how to make that happen.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


All in all, I'm doing fine but I'm not doing fine.

These anxiety attacks have been taking a huge toll on my body. Aunt flow came a week early...while I'm still taking birth control. My body doesn't do abnormal things like this. My back is in constant painful pain, and now my neck constantly hurts from being so tense all the time. I'm used to my back constantly being sore and by the end of the day a tad uncomfortable. I'm not used to it really hurting like this. I'm also not used to my neck hurting, and hurting so bad. Ibprofen doesn't really do much, and my body is normally sensitive to any sort of medication as I don't take medication very much.

My dreams at night have been restless, and bothersome. To a point where all I want to do at the end of the day is hit my bed and crash but my greatest fear is falling asleep not knowing what sort of bothersome dream I'm in store of having. I crave sleep and I hate sleep right now. It sucks.

I don't know how to handle this so I'm doing it the best I know how. By ignoring it on one level, worrying/stressing on another level, and coping when I have a few moments to myself to breathe.

I started my phlebotomy class this week. It's been rather fun thus far. Nerve-racking but fun. I got to draw blood from a fake arm today and it felt refreshing, it felt refreshing to be learning something and taking a step forward with my life. I'm paying for this class directly out of my pocket (a bittersweet feeling), I'm bettering my education which has taken a halt up until now, and I'm easing myself into the medical field slowly but surely. Not to mention, the second time when I hit the "vein" all by myself without the help of the instructor, without the instructor even looking, made me feel good. I can learn new skills. And I got some kudos from the other classmates.

The woman who sits next to me is named Polly and she has two kids. She's redheaded, soft-spoken and very sweet. She has a silent support and it's been nice to have that.

I am babysitting this weekend. I'm also studying at The Market downtown to get away from everything here in Brighton for awhile, take an opportunity to enjoy a "local" coffee shop and people watch and be 22 for a little bit, a 22-year-old who doesn't have to worry about being Ms. Nic or a strong person for those around me who like to think it's ok for me to not be ok.

I also will be hanging out with a couple of my girls. Therapy for my soul. I need it. I need my girls. I need time with a couple people who understand who I am and where I'm coming from. Spending some time with a couple of my best friends who can understand what I mean when I say I feel everything and nothing all at once, my best friends who understand I need to talk but can't talk about a lot right now because it's too painful.

I've almost given up on Eric. He has decided to ignore me in one of my biggest times of need. There is so much to say, but nothing I want to say. I am still in love with him. That hasn't changed. But I also don't know how to deal with everyting. He was this wonderful person before he broke up with me in July and since then I don't get him. I don't know whether to believe if he really cares about me or loves me with how he has acted on quite a few occasions. If you love someone, you show them right?! You care about their well-being, emotionally and physically. You want to be around them. At least that's what I thought. But I can't talk about him right now. It hurts. It hurts too much. And I don't know how to deal with being in love with someone who I'm not sure really ever did love me though he said he did and who now ignores me, completely ignores me.

I have too much to deal with. It's easy for people to say not stress, but I can't not stress.

I want my family back. I want to be happy with where I live and who I am again. I want laughter back in my life, people who understand me and support my (sometimes stupid and irrational) decisions, a place to call home that actually feels comfortable and I don't feel like an intruder, and the confidence I had just a few short months ago. So much has changed since graduation....and I'm not happy with where I'm at.

But I'm learning to try to be content and thankful to God for where I am, though I don't like it.

Like today, I got to see Britt while getting my transcripts on campus. I bumped into her unknowingly and I got a huge hug. She doesn't realize how much that one hug, and Britt whom I love for her crazy self and loves me back for my crazy self, made my day because for the first time in quite awhile, I felt special and loved for exactly who I am and it was shown in a few brief seconds when we spotted each other and we were wholly excited to see each other and hug each other. It so totally made my day to know that someone who knows me to the core still loves and appreciates running into me, and can embrace me so tight and lovingly.

I'm trying to learn to be content and patient. I'm trying to have listening ears as to what God's plan is for my life right now. I'm really trying.

I just can't help but long to feel as confidant and happy as I was a few short months ago....I'm working on it, slowly but surely, and I'm trying to slow down a little bit and figure out a few things in my life.

Until then, my nose will be in my phlebotomy books...

Saturday, October 10, 2009


Last night I went to Kelly's 21st. We celebrated at a condo in Idaho Springs. It was actually really fun. I learned I really like jello shots.

But the night didn't end well for me.

I was triggered. An event eight years ago in my past came flashing back before me. I was in a very similar situation and found myself starting an anxiety attack. It's been a very long time since I've been triggered. I almost don't know how to handle this.

My heart hasn't slowed down to anything less than 80 bpm since around midnight when it happened. I feel like I have a concrete wall again on my chest and my muscles won't relax and won't stop shaking. My body can't control it's temp, and I keep fluctuating between hot and cold. This is normal when I get any sort of anxiety attack for normal stress. But unlike stress anxiety attacks, this brought back a flooding of thoughts and memories I've worked very hard and very long to secure up and now they just won't stop flooding my brain. All my insecurities are being jiggled around again. How do I fight this again?!?! I've gotten used to pushing it to the back of my head every single day. Now what do I do when it's at the forefront.

I feel dirty and used again. I feel ashamed and vulnerable. I feel mad and anxious and low. I feel very much alone again like I did eight years ago. And it hurts so bad. My emotions are going all over the place.

On top of that, Eric got angry that I was there and didn't give me a chance to explain anything. I didn't need his permission to go but I woke up to him being angry and I told him about the incident before I was ready and he doesn't understand what sort of a big deal this trigger was and then on top of that him being mad has made me so completely upset. He doesn't know nor understand my past and the long road I've been on because of it.

I don't like being guys holding on to me if I don't want them to. That's a huge trigger. But to be held against my will is a guaranteed triger. Mike continually pulling me onto his lap in the hot tub though I was very obviously trying to get away from him and him holding me there with both arms around me was my trigger. Flashbacks and anxiety set in. I couldn't make a scene with Kelly sitting next to me, that's her brother, and it was her party. So I froze, like I did eight years ago. Then when he wouldn't let me out of the hot tub and proceeded to kiss me when I didn't want to, I felt so used once again. I can't describe that feeling at all. I couldn't fight him, I couldn't freak out without letting everyone know about my past and I froze, so I let happen what happened.

And then for him to keep his arm around me and make me kiss him several more times.....I couldn't get away. Anytime I moved he'd put an arm around me very forcefully and when I would try to wiggle away he'd find a different way to hold onto me.

I finally was able to go lock myself in a room.

I don't want to deal with this right now. I can't.

And Eric is mad. He doesn't understand the situation and he doesn't understand how I feel. I want to talk to him. He won't talk to me. He's mad I went, he's mad about the kiss though he doesn't understand and has no right when he refuses to date me nor call me his gf and continues to play with my heart.

He has no right to be mad I was there but then to tell him about Mike before I was ready to today and him not really understanding, just has made the anxiety worse. I can't get myself to calm down.

I have tons of other guys asking for my number, dates, etc. The one person I want to love with my whole heart, who I want to love me back, to call me his gf, and let me close, doesn't seem to care. The only one I want to talk to is him. And I feel like I can't, and that he won't. I want him to care, to show me he cares. I want to be given a real chance. I want him to understand. I want to make up for a situation which isn't even my fault.

I don't know how to handle this trigger or anxiety attack.....

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Innocent Enthusiasm

One of the most beautiful forms of raw expression is the pure excitement little kids get....over the littlest things!!

Awhile back, Eric was relaying a story to me. He was telling me about going to a car club thing and one of the girls brought her son. While they were standing around, the little boy saw a helicopter for the first time and literally was so excited he probably could have jumped out of his pants.

Eric's comment was that he wished he could get that excited over things!

One of my problems in working around adults most times is I DO get that excited, quite often and quite easy!! It's not hard when you really let yourself enjoy the things around you and love your life!! It gets me lots of weird stares, sure.

Which makes me sad, I wish people didn't usually lose that enthusiasm growing up. I hear adults say it a lot that they can't get that excited because....well they have to be adult. Who said that getting excited over small things wasn't being an adult and being a "grown up"?! I can still be mature and responsible.....but I can also dance and clap my hands and laugh with my full belly when I find delight in something.

My face is allowed to light up brighter than the sun when I find something that just completely amuses me and touches me. It doesn't make me any less adult, it just makes me more in touch with my happy side!!

I wish people learned to let go of what they thought they were supposed to be and get excited over the small things more often.

Like Patrick every morning when he sees airplanes waiting to go inside or when he's so absolutely delighted over a story or getting ready to go out on the playground: his face lights up, his mouth goes into a complete "O" that takes over his face in suspenseful anticipation and he flaps his arms (most the time bending at the waist a little bit because his body is trying to keep himself in balance) and then he'll clap his hands together and squeal in utter delight with a HUGE smile on his face!!

Now that is something I wish more people did with me.....not only would weird looks be less frequent towards me, but well, I think most people would be tons happier.

I love the innocent enthusiasm kids remind me to have and remind me to be completely ok matter how "adult" I am.

Monday, October 05, 2009

A Tad Scared

I'm sitting here filling out my third form for a background check (two others for the school district) for my phlebotomy class and I'm a little scared to take this class.

This is the first class I'll be taking in two years in relation to what I want to do with my life....this isn't a bullshit class in which I get to give less 100% because I don't care about what I'm learning. This is the first time in two years I really want to and have to be serious about a class. And I'm scared of failure.

I'm scared to fail because my future rides on me wanting to pursue my passion for nursing and this is the first time I've actually thought to myself, what if I'm not good enough?!

I have fears like anybody else. I'm not scared to be bad at most things, because in the long run it doesn't really matter that I'm not a joke-teller, that I don't have an extensive knowledge in any given area (ie cars, computers, music, sports, politics, economics, etc), that I have no special talents. I don't mind being less than average at most....I've always sat along the sidelines while my brothers shined at their certain areas and I sat in the background. I've always sat back while my mother and father marveled at how pretty other girls were over me. I've always sat back while others told jokes and I laughed. I always sat by and watched recognition go to others. Being outshined to me is normal.

But to fail at something that I have a passion for, that I want to become my life's work, that scares me. I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to shine and be the best (ok yes I secretly want to be but I'm also realistic with how much the pain would hurt if I turn out to not shine), but I don't want to fail. I don't want to be less than average, I don't even want to be average. I want to be excellent. I don't need the recognition or pats on the back. I just want for once to be good at something I'm really passionate about.

Passion is all I have. Talent hasn't been on my side. But I hope for once they can come together.

And I'm scared to fail.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Flute Beat-Boxing

This is just sa-WEET as hell!!

One thing I absolutely love to study is WWII. I know it's a very gruesome period in history but it was so unique and so treacherous that it is absolutely fascinating to me. In accordance with that, Anne Frank also fascinates me. We have a diary of a young girl who was in hiding during that time and her hopes, wishes, dreams.....all written down to give us a story. An amazing story.

Until now I've seen pictures galore of her. But The Anne Frank House in Germany just released the only footage I've ever seen of Anne Frank. In the short clip she is watching a bride and groom to walk down the stairs and out of the building. This is absolutely amazing!!!

This is a video of Otto Frank talking about his daughter's diary.....he has some very incredibly deep thoughts that first time watching this really sort of struck me.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Dearest Heart

Dearest Heart,

Why are you fretting?! Life is hard at times. You are in a huge transition period of your life. You need to learn to be content with the moment. Yes you have some times that you are content, but you also fret. Don't fret. God has your back.

Remember when you were pouring yourself out to God this morning in the car?! Maybe you should do that more often. Not to self though: when you get me so riled up I'm waving my hands in the air, you cause me to get funny looks from other drivers. It's ok. Just don't get embarrassed when you notice them giving you the "wtf look".

Yes life isn't exactly what you think it should be right now. But I follow your direction. When you fret, I fret. Just remember God's words....that He'll never give you more than you can handle and He will carry you through times when you can't stand on your own. Now is one of those times. "Be still and know that I am God." I think that's what God is trying to teach you right now. I think more than anything you need to remember the majesty that is God and the power that is His love for you.

God has amazing plans for us. He will one day bless your heart with a love so amazing you won't be able to stand'll almost jump out of your pants. Until then, be content with being single. Revel in the wonder that is family and friends and the freedom to go on any adventure you choose. Yes you love to be cuddled and kissed and loved upon, but you don't NEED it. You have never needed it, just craved it. Stop looking for it and God will show you something amazing. Maybe it's Eric, maybe it's not. God will show you in due time. Until then, please just learn to be calm in that area.

And yes, when it comes to family, time will heal wounds. Time IS healing wounds. Time will continue to heal wounds. Just don't take for granted any time spent with them.

Please stop fretting over not being able to see the world. You're crazy enough you'll spontaneously see it little by little. Just get out and go when you need and can. One day, the entire world will be at your hands. Until then, explore what's at hand.

Dear Heart, you are beautiful. Don't doubt it. God made you special. For it is by you that I'm able to function, that I'm able to take direction in life. It is by you that I am able to love others. It is by you that I am who I am and that I can make any sort of impact on the lives of others. It is by you that people love me and know me.

We can do amazing things together. You and I. We WILL do amazing wonderous things together. We have so much love to give to others, and so much to accomplish. We just need to take it one step at a time. Please don't fret. We will be ok.

You are wonderfully and specially crafted. You are strong, but also fragile. So please take care of yourself. You have some band-aids already. God has the most remarkable string and thread but let's face it, sometimes those scars still ache from time to time. Be healthy for yourself. You deserve the world and you will get the world. Please just don't fret. Be patient.

I love you. I can't wait to see what the future has planned for us. Don't be afraid to love, everyone deserves to be loved. Just please also be careful. Love is the greatest thing you have to offer the world. You're good at it!! But also be careful. You are so amazingly special, and you can't doubt that.

The greatest of all things is love. And your genuinity sometimes can be taken for granted but it's a beautiful thing. Please fight building too many walls around you again. I love you being open, careful but open. We're headed for the world!!

Let's keep taking this life by storm.

Loving you deeply,
Sometimes not showering and spending most of the day in your sweats is just a little bit of bliss!!!