Friday, February 26, 2010

A Need to be Desired

As a woman we want to be desired, we want to WANT to be loved, we want to be NEEDED, we need to be made to feel special, we need to feel unique, we have to be made to feel those around us, but most importantly from our significant other.

I want so badly for someone to just love the shit out of me....but I've found out I don't feel like I'm worthy of that love nor right now can I allow myself to be that vulnerable. What a place to be in right?! Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I wonder if and when some guy will feel that way about me.....that he can't stand NOT having me in his life because he cares about me that much, because he loves me that much.

My heart wishes to live in a fairy tale. Will it ever happen?!

Although with that I will also note I am nowhere close to being ready to be married or have kids....I just want to be loved, desired, needed, wanted, and to feel special. By a special someone.

Eric makes me feel that way sometimes....but not always.

The Big Bang Theory

For those of you that haven't watched The Big Bang Theory, you need to for many reasons....but here are the top three.

1) It's absolutely hysterical and will most definitely brighten your day.
2) You will find a new-found respect for geekdom.
3) Sheldon just rocks.

This is one of those tv shows that just absolutely makes me crack up every single time I watch it.

"Oh gravity, thou art a heartless bitch."

And by the way, mua ha ha ha.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

I Photoged a Mazda Speed 6

Well there's a first for everything. I love capturing people's you can only imagine a little of my inner turmoil at being asked to photograph....a car. OF COURSE I wanted to get behind my camera and shoot something new, OF COURSE I wanted to help a friend out, OF COURSE I liked the challenge....however, how do you photograph a car?! I mean really they have no expression!! So that's where you have to "give" them expression....aka the backdrop, lighting, and angle become pretty important when doing this I found. Some of the pictures were just HORRIBLE! At least in my opinion, although Eric found much delight in almost all the photographs. At least he was happy :-)

So here are some of my photos!

Mazda Speed 6....his new powdercoated wheelz

I feel the need, the need for speed

I just thought this was a cool pic....and you can see his silhouette in the reflection off the bumper

I need a fast car....candy-coated red.....


So about a month ago, one of my very close friends Dan and I threw a NO H8 party! It was honestly a blast and I got to play photographer....which of course is FANTASTIC!!! The whole point of the party was two very opposite people coming together and hosting a party that celebrated the fact that though we have very different views on love, religion, politics, etc that we can still love and respect each other for who we are. A friend of mine committed suicide about a week prior to it so we also celebrated TWLOHA....a foundation of which I fully support and try to put into awareness at every turn possible.

*If you have no idea what TWLOHA is the foundation is To Write Love On Her Arms and it's a suicide awareness & prevention cause.

Anywho, the night went rather well. And I took some amazing pictures if I do say so myself. However, I was thrown in front of the camera at one point and I can honestly say I'm much more comfortable behind the camera that I am in front of it. And it's very weird editing pics of myself so they got the least amount of editing. Here are the 2 group photos for the night and one of myself :-)

This was our serious NO H8 group shot

Dan & I love Lady Gaga so we did a Love Monsters photo :-)

And this is me in front of the camera for once!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Bucket List vs Life

So there are a lot of things I want to do with my life, A LOT of things. Some of which others don't/wouldn't approve.

Though honestly others opinions don't always influence my decisions.

But I'm finding doing ANYTHING on my bucket list is hard to do when I work my life away. This thought currently weighs me down.

I'm trying to find a way to be happy with the craziness that is my life currently but I find it hard at times. I'm not where I want to be. I'm not living like the 22-year-old that I am.

One day I'll figure things out.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Running at 3/4 Speed

I've found that the older I get, the faster time seems to move.

This creates a problem....increasingly there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what I need to, let alone what I WANT to. And it also leaves me feeling like circles mostly but running nevertheless.

Hence why I haven't even had a chance to purge my thoughts recently.

Well that's a lie, I bought a new journal to chronicle my deepest darkest thoughts that I just needed to purge.....mainly on the topics of my love live and inner struggles with confidence....but also as a form of therapy for those things. Even then I haven't had a chance to sit down in a few days.

So life has thrown a few curveballs recently.

The first one was the death of a family of Marshall's friends actually....who I viewed as an adopted younger brother. Though we weren't very close, we were close enough for his suicide to really throw me a jolt. I have come to love and be "sisterly" protective of all my brothers friends....and for the first suicide close to me to happen sorta sent my world upside down in a few areas.

The biggest thought that went through my mind was a sort of numbing and yet very sharp one thought and one thought only. For someone to commit suicide, they have to feel as though no one on this earth loves them enough for it to be worthy for them to stay around. And I can't imagine that. How terrible is that?! I can't even fathom it but for that I'm glad. But then again I know that even in my darkest moments that I have an amazing God who loves me, every single ounce of me, and is with me at all times. Ben didn't even feel that. How excruciatingly terrible.

It reminded me why "I Love You" is the most important phrase in my life. I can't say it enough and will never regret saying it. And I need to take every opportunity in my life to tell those I care about that I love them, even when I don't think it's being heard or will scare someone away. I have no idea when is my last day on this earth....nor does anyone else. I want others to know what I feel towards them. I don't want a guessing game left behind when I go....I want those around me to know that I love them. And in one area I have become very protective of that and it's towards Eric. He's scared of love and to hear he's loved....but it's part of me to say it even when he can't say it in return. So I don't shy away from it as often...I've said it a couple times to even him.

But I've found it's hard to be as open with my feelings with people in general right now. In Fort Collins, every one understood and it was natural. Here in Brighton, everyone lives trying to impress and in their own bubble....and any sort of affection almost makes people uncomfortable. What a sad thought. It shouldn't be that way.

And with that I can also say that it made me realize I've been denying the true depth of my feelings for Eric....even though we are not together, and still only dating. I still deny the depth of my feelings but at least I realize that they are deep. Not to mention deadly. I might really get hurt. But it's worth it. I'm not going to deny that I am in love with him. I'm just going to guard against best as possible anyway.

My kiddos are amazing!! I love working with them!! I have been doing my phlebotomy clinicals this week at Good Samaritan and I have severely missed their energy....though at the end of the day I'm definitely not as physically exhausted...just mentally. But I miss seeing their little progress' and I REALLY miss my little Patrick :-( I need a Patrick hug desperately. And I have to wait until Tuesday to get one. WAH!!

Through doing these phlebotomy clinicals I have realized a couple things. First is that I really don't like working too much with old people. I miss the energy of kids. It reaffirms that kids are a passion of mine. But it also reaffirms that the medical field is a place that feels natural. I'm not sure in what capacities I will end up in the medical field....I'm thinking I'll wind up in several areas throughout my life. But it's a place that works for me and is enjoyable and almost second nature.

I've also realized that I really hate being stuck inside all day. HA! Seriously it just sorta stinks!!!

And I've realized I AM NOT looking forward to getting least in the way that all of the people there get old....and I need to do everything I can to prevent it.

I'm learning a lot though. And I've experienced some cool things. Yesterday I saw a Code Blue (think E.R. and crash carts), I've seen a severed foot, massive quantities of blood (obviously as I am drawing it all day), and pieces of body tissue. The most interesting of which was the POC's (products of conception). In case that doesn't make sense it's basically the remnants of miscarriages. Very sad but very interesting to see. I got to see a tiny recognizable fetus that was about the size of half my forearm. It had all the features of a person with the tiniest fingers possible and a very oblong face....curled up....very peaceful. How sad for those families :-( Heartbreaking in fact.

But on the other spectrum I have got to see quite a few newborns as the mothers are feeding them (while I draw blood). They are so tiny and adorable and innocent. And I got to draw a lady in between contractions. That in itself was quite interesting. Very cool but sorta out-of-body-ish experience. HA! Fascinating.

And with all of that....I have to get up at 3am and my advil pm is kicking in. I have so much more to purge but my brain is literally shutting down currently. Another day on the grind tomorrow....hopefully I as good sticking people tomorrow as I did today :-)