Friday, November 06, 2009

Running Rampid

Today my dad starts training me on the chanelle machine. I'm getting hours (YAY) at the expense of doing things I need to do or even just having a bit of rest time (NAY). It will be good though....when I have that paycheck in hand it will all be good. That's what I keep telling myself.

I hope those whose parents pay for any part of their lives realize how lucky they are. Granted I'm lucky to be living for free, money-wise. But not free in terms of happiness. Ugh I just don't like not living with people my age, it's a huge kicker for me.

Need to stop complaining. This week has been crazy busy. I haven't even had much time to work out except once. This morning I had to clean my room which I exploded this past week. Now I have to get a shower and then go re-register my car. Then I'm being trained. I literally get home from work and class and fall fast asleep, without any warning. I've been going to bed at 9pm. I feel like SUCH an old granny!!!

However, one plus is I'm getting a lot better at drawing blood!! I love my class, well the lab part the best. It means I actually get to stick people :) I did four sticks last night and was successful on all four, only one having to readjust the needle more than was quite poke and then see that blood!!! And all my people's told me it didn't hurt hardly at all other than the EMT student who said she had felt it when I poked her hand. Not surprising, there are a LOT more nerves on your hand. So far I have 10 successful sticks, and I think I had four unsuccessful ones but I didn't document them. YEAH!!!

I'm worried about one of my besties. She's living with her bf who I don't like, who has cheated on her. Thursday, me and another friend of hers were over at their apartment lifting her spirits while he was out of town. And then he's back and she's happy that he's hinting at proposing to really?! I'm reckless as all get out with my heart, but I don't want to see my friends do the same. They deserve ONLY the best and she's settling for a guy who treats her like crap. I've even told her this, told her I think she needs to get out of the relationship but I can't make any decisions for her. I also sound a bit like a hypocrite when I'm over here in whatever the hell situation is going on between Eric and I and I can't walk away from it because I love him.

Love is blind and love is tricky. This I've learned.

I'm scared though. Scared Eric will even read what I'm writing right now and take it the wrong way. But I'm in love with him. I can't deny it. And it's been hitting me so bad lately. Like this morning, I was going through my sock drawer mating up the mismatched socks when I found the ticket to the Rockies game from 4th of July. We were still together at that point and heavens knows how that ticket ended up in my sock drawer but just the intense feelings that washed over me literally knocked the breath out of me. I love him. And I'm not sure if he loves me back. It's stupid really, I should be able to say "forget this" but I've never dealt with these feelings before. And it scares me. It scares me that I'm most likely setting myself up for failure.....unless by some miraculous reason Eric decides he loves me back and realizes what I'm worth.

Why is it that women know we deserve a-maz-ing and then we settle for less?! Why do I settle for Eric's wishy-washy attitude towards dating?! Because I love him. Because I think he's worth it, because I see something in him. I just am afraid I will be disappointed in the end. I have so many guards up but they still can't contain the intensity of my feelings towards Eric. But I've realized I do what I do best.....I ignore my own feelings and am there for others.

I've gotten really good at ignoring my feelings since my freshman year, since the entire Joe incident. That's the only way I could deal. To shut off my feelings of getting hurt as much as possible. Since then I've learned that I feel things rather intensely and I've learned to navigate when to let that passion explode and when to rein it in. I've also found that when I can't let my feelings be expressed the way I want them to, that I simply ignore them.

Ignorance is bliss, right?! Not always. But it works a good percentage of the time. I don't have to be too hurt by Eric if I ignore my feelings of love for him. But then again I can't control ignoring them when I go to bed at night......that's when all my insecurities and all my true feelings for Eric mold into one "sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare" as Beyonce so graciously puts it.

I have gotten really good at ignoring the pain of my family's problems....until I go to sleep. I have gotten really good at ignoring my own insecurities of my life's future....until I go to sleep and then it all becomes expressed in these astoundingly vivid dreams that I can't even begin to describe their depth and the outpouring of emotions that happens.

That's another thing about feeling things way too's somehow connected to my very vivid dreams....the colors, the crazy chaos, the amount of stuff that happens in one singular dream.

Oh my mind is running rampid and now I need to go re-register my car. Shower first, then off to the races. My poor car :( she needs cleaned so badly!! That's one of my things to do this weekend....vacuum her, clean her interior, and then give her a much needed and much deserved wash!!

Thank you trusty steed for getting me everywhere I need to go.....

Goodness I'm a rambler today...

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