Monday, March 30, 2009

Much Delayed St. Patty's Day Picks & March Madness

So my brackett sucked....I'm dead last in my pool....the only chance I have of getting any points is if UNC wins the whole year I need to do better.

RIP March Madness Brackett

Ok here are the St. Patty's Day pics....I will be getting up pics of McCook once I am able to download and choose which ones I wanna post...I DID take over 500 pics ;)

Kyle blowing out 26 candles

Reece & Kev

Tan scarfing down food

3 B's: Beer, Breadsticks, Buffalo Wings



Agh, aren't resumes always just a swift kick of reality?! Not to mention a swift kick of pain-in-the-ass. I hate trying to make yourself look good and qualified on two pages of paper. I also don't like how you constantly have to tweak them and find those *key (aka amazing)* words that will make your employers go "WOW! She's the person for this job!"

I think I have about fifteen versions of my resume thus far. No joke.

This resume is a sad sad way for me to come back to school. Seven weeks left and I'm a college grad. I'm done with this school thing for a bit!! And done with this ridic major and ridic amount of homework that I care nothing about.

Mock interview later today. Why am I nervous for it?! It's not like my future is really relying on it....maybe just the fact that it has the scary name of an interview. That or the fact that I'm selling myself. I mean I can but knowing that you have to sell yourself to prove your worth in 30 minutes is really quite a scary realization....especially if it's a job you really want.

I shouldn't be scared....I think this is the the fifth interview or so I've ever had and all but one I've gotten the job. The reason I didn't get the one was because I already had a job and they didn't think I could handle working a total of 40 hours a week AND school....I applaud them for making that decision actually. I'd be a nutcase right now if I had two jobs and 17 credits.

Went to McCook this to take tons of pictures of my brother and a couple of his friends playing :) I heart my new camera and I especially heart my telephoto lens!!! Gotta cuddle with Evan again...always a plus :)

I know we were disrespectful towards Marshall though. Evan is his friend/roommate and they literally have their beds pushed together to make one huge bed. We drank, I become a kissing slut when I drink, Evan and I have our history, Marshall is trying to sleep, we come in and start kissing beside him. Marshall left the room and slept in another guys' room.

I apologized the next day. Marshall still doesn't care that I'm having a little fling with his friend/roommate. He told me "You're grown, do what you want....and I'd rather you be involved with a friend I know and trust then someone I don't know, ya know". That's good. But I should know I should be more respectful and not be making out right next to him in his own (granted it IS ginormous) bed.

Alright, for a lack of time I'm off....ick, class....I wanna kick it in it's shin...

Friday, March 27, 2009

Working Through Thoughts In My Head

I'm having a very hard time falling asleep at night anymore.

I have been "alone" more so in the past week than ever before. I have spent a lot of time at night thinking through a lot of stuff, a lot of time on the bus praying, and a lot of time in my room or to myself trying to reconnect with hobbies of mine that I love to do (ie playing with my camera, making a scrapbook for my brother, cross-stitching, etc). The only texts I have been getting have been from family and roommates, not from guys....I'm not longer seeking out attention and affection from others.

For the past week, I have started on a new track of learning to get in touch with myself. Like I've said before, it's hard. I don't normally spend a lot of time dwelling on myself, my scars, my own heart, my needs. I spend a lot of time thinking of what I'd like to do but never really looking inside and letting myself dive.

Well sometimes I do, but I don't do it enough, let's put it that way.

A friend about a week ago, gave me a "swift kick in my ass". I go through my periods of highs and then my periods of lows. Talking to him he's made me realize that I'm attracting a lot of negativity to myself in the form of drama simply because I go through periods where I'm absolutely content with myself and then periods where I'm literally freaking out on the inside because I don't want to face myself. Not because I've done things I've regret, but because at that point in time there's a pain of some sort lurking just below the surface.

I think it's also brought on when I'm not doing things that are therapeutic to me, I'm not able to channel my thoughts/feelings, and I lack an ability to accurately express.

I've found that having this new camera has been therapeutic in the small week I've had it. I'm able to channel myself through something I love to do again. I'm SO excited to go watch my brother play ball and my other brother swim, not only because they rock and I love them, but they allow me an opportunity to bust out my camera, shoot, express, play and create. I've found that is very vital for me. One reason I love photography. I'm going to talk seriously to my parents about converting an old storage closet into a darkroom while I'm home.

I got to work on my brother's scrapbook for about three hours yesterday and while I was doing it I was so completely content, in my own zone, able to think, simply because I was expressing my feelings about my brother through something. I know that my brothers hardly look at these things, they might even find them corny (they ARE guys) but because I can express how I see them, how I love them, and how proud of them I are is so freeing for me. When they look at these, they will know that the pages may not be an accurate representation of that moment in time in their eyes, but it's how I saw it. It's how I made it come alive for them.

I'm very much looking forward to working on this house. I know that while I'm working on it I'm going to have days where I'm going to fill overwhelmed by the size of the project. But I think it will be good. It's going to be getting me moving, letting me express myself in a new way. I get to build something with my own hands. That's an absolutely amazing feeling. I love when after you finish a project you get to look at it and think "Yep I built that". You get a sense of accomplishment that doesn't come in the form of someone else grading you or from someone giving you comes in the form of self-satisfaction and knowing that YOU were able to build yourself while doing it.

I'm wondering if that's why I'm at such odds with myself. I don't get to spend time on the things I enjoy, the things that build me up, the things that leave me full....rather I have to spend time on the half-empty, the unfulfilling for me. Sure getting an A on that test is all great and good....but after so many it's not fulfilling anymore. You go to class, you memorize, you pour it out, you get the grade. What did you do that is self-gratifying?! To me nothing.

Because I have been alone I've had a lot of time to do self-reflection. Which is part of why I'm maybe not sleeping so well. I have a lot of questions in my head about my future. But I've been able to get alot accomplished. I got all of my homework finished, started on newer projects, learned the basic settings of my camera, worked on a scrapbook, took some pictures, went to all my classes, paid attention, took extensive notes, finished a project, set up much-need appointments (eye exam, gyn exam, mock interview, etc). It's been fulfilling. And all through it I've been gauging how I feel with each activity. How much enjoyment I get from each, the fulfillment it gives me, how I feel afterwards, and the role it can play in my life.

I realize that in my last post, I'm still clinging to my past with Scott in a form. It's been difficult unweaving such a huge part of my past out. In order to do it, I have to face my feelings, I have to be truthful. It hurts! Yes, there I said it. It hurts...a lot. More than I thought it would. And I think it's because for so long Scott WAS my future. Scott was a part of me. He no longer is. My future has to be reshaped without him. I have to reshape myself without him. He didn't change me, but he influenced my life majorly. That influence is gone and it's going to reshape who I am. Nevermind the amount of figuring out who I am this last semester, it's a HUGE LONG process filled with lots of questions and lots of roadmapping. I feel a part of my anxiousness about it die down as I pour out my thoughts which is why I write so frequently in this blog, and why it's honestly always all over the place emotionally. It's up and down and all around mainly because I'M up and down and all around trying to figure out a lot in my life. I have my good and bad days, good and bad weeks, good and bad months.....and well it's reflected in my thoughts. I always write what's resonating in my brain the most that day. Some days I have found, things are painful when it comes to the issue of Scott. Mainly because I'm so sensitive about having hurt him (I don't LIKE to hurt others), because there are some things that send painful twings down my body still, and because I do care that no one hurts him as I know he's pretty fragile. Which is part of what I battle myself. I'm not responsible for taking care of him but for so long I did. I'm having to learn to unweave that out of my life. I'm no longer his protector and old habits die hard, especially as I am a huge protector naturally when it comes to those I care about. Mess with any of my family or friends that I care about and you deal with me.

Certain things still send twings down my spine. I'll admit it but from here on out, I'm letting myself feel the twing and I'm moving on. It's natural but I won't dwell. I have been coaching myself on this all this week. It's tough. I don't mean to let it twing, it just happens. I don't sit and think about Scott but when something happens to remind me painfully of him, it resonates. I'm learning to let it go, I'm unweaving, and I'm learning on completely letting go.

Scott has made it obvious that we can't even maintain a friendship, therefore I'm learning to completely let go. Maybe in the future one day again we'll be friends, once I've completely let go and he's worked through all his all-over-the-place-ness. But I'm not going to plan on it, I'm not going to ask questions, I'm not going to ask the what-if's, I'm not going to dwell on what had been or what we had planned for the future.

God has some very mysterious future for me. I'm currently trying to figure out a little bit what that is. Not big picture (like career, family, kids, retirement, etc) but little picture: graduation, summertime plans, what I'm going to write my nursing school application about, what fulfilling project can I do right now to let me channel my energy/thoughts/feelings, what I can do to make life more meaningful and content and joyful.

I'm learning to calm my anxiousness, trying to teach myself to drink in the moment (so much easier said than done sometimes) and trying to learn to live for the blessings I have in my life currently.

I am trying to learn to not focus on male attention other than in the form of my father and brothers (the only men in my life who will be there for the right reasons). If it happens, well that's great, but I am working on not seeking it out and working on not letting it play a huge factor. If it happens, well then that's great, but it's not needed. My heart needs me and God...and that's all.

I'm honestly serious about this. I don't like an anxious heart. I've ignored it for so long that it's built up.

I'm going to focus on the blessings, the important things, the little enjoyments I have in my life right now:

1. Watching my brothers grow and blossom and their personalities. Kevan's scrapbook has been fun. Marshall's was all centered around sports and girls, Kevan's is more time with friends and family and his music. Marshall's baseball has been a blast to document and Kevan's swimming has been great to watch him excel in. Kevan has been accepted into Chadron State University for "audio engineering" (he wants to become a record producer or the like). I hope Marshall gets the chance to walk-on to a 4-year university to continue playing baseball. Currently I can't relate to my youngest brother Reece or get to know him. It's not that I don't want to but it's not a part of our relationship yet. I love him and go to his ball games and support him, but our relationship will start to blossom a little farther on in life.

2. Projects: the house, developing my photography skills, continually working on my cross-stitch, scrapbooks, applying to nursing school, establishing the native american bloodline for our family.

3. Family. I don't think I can say enough about that....but it's pretty self-explanatory.

4. The warm weather that is coming. This will allow me a chance to get outside more, to drive around the state more and take pictures, the ability to be outside and be in God's creation not man's. It will allow me to be able to breath fresh air and see brilliant blues. To hear the birds chirp in the morning and the sounds of early morning risers. The geese squaking occasionally, the dogs barking.

5. Getting to spend time with people I love and care about: random conversations with friends, meeting new people, recently reconnecting with a lot of old friends from my past (funny how they all come at once), spending time with my brothers and their friends, getting to meet new guys (yes it is fun to get to meet new guys and flirt).

One thing I'm looking forward to in my future: taking a hike with a great friend, Ray, and taking pics. He can read people so well and though he's in his 50's and the janitor in the student center, he's a great friend that I can relate well to and who always has great advice.

One thing I'm working on to make my future easier: get good grades and to really get my work done in a timely manner.

One thing I'm excited about for tomorrow: watching Marshall play baseball or Kevan swim (whichever one I'm able to make), to take some awesome pictures with my camera, and to wear a cute new shirt I found on sale last weekend.

One thing I'm trying to stay positive about: my senior seminar projects.

One thing I'm curbing my attitude on: boys, boys, boys....and how they don't need to be there but how if they are there, well it's ok to flirt.

One thing I am working on emotionally: being content with the moment (because I'm writing, at this moment I am completely content).

One thing I'm nervous about: my inevitable relapses of character....I'm determined to faithfully be working on these things.

Starting this week, I am working on myself. I'm not trying, I'm working on it. I honestly am working on it. Will I always succeed, no. Will I have bad days, yes. But I'm working on it. I'm working on finding fulfillment in this moment, what's in my life and what's not in my life, what I know about my future and what I don't know about my future, and being truthful to myself.

"You said you'll meet us in the middle of the afternoon
we said we're frusterated.
and you tried to take us.
"Go on, get ready, cause it's coming soon"
Well no thanks, we'll make it.

So it brings us back to this.
Something's got to give.
So are you listening?
Or are you coming around again?

All deliberate speed- Lately you've been comtemplating.
Is this real or is this fading? What brought you here in the first place?
Everyone around us screams "It's got to be and it's got to hit you."
Well, you and me, well we could change the world.

We could drive and we could take our stuff on out of here.
Well we'll leave with the sunrise.
This place and this city it's good for nothing but for feeling down.
Let's say we'll break it.

Losing sleep for days.
Is this just a phase?
Are there other ways?
The one who sings is the one who pays.

All deliberate speed- Lately you've been comtemplating.
Is this real or is this fading? What brought you here in the first place?
Well everyone around us screams "It's got to be and it's got to hit you."
Well, you and me, well we could change the world.

Sound off we're going to L.A.
You wanted to be the one who makes it happen so...
Sound off we're going to L.A.
If it's gonna be then we've got to give.
But it's got to be enough for me."
[All Deliberate Speed by Mae]


I find myself antsy....the only problem is I'm not able to pinpoint why I'm antsy or how to fix that antsiness.

I have found I'm very uncomfortable with myself when there isn't some sort of high levels of activity or adrenaline...which right now in my life adrenaline comes in the form of crazy amounts of drama. Not that I like drama, I just think I'm attracting it. I think the lack of peace with myself is reflected with the craziness in my life.

I do know that when I don't have people contacting me or several things at the tips of my hands, I'm not comfortable. I feel like there's more to life and I'm missing it. I know on one hand I need to take the time to enjoy life and that's hard to do when you are running around with your head cut off. However, I know the things that are "fulfilling" to me are not things I can concentrate on the moment.

I would love to have time to get to develop more relationships. Fact of the matter is my time is cut so thin. Sometimes I doubt this as I'm able to sit on facebook and update my blog everyday. However, I do these mainly while I'm at the obligation of work or while I'm in conjunction of working on homework (now that can explain why my GPA isn't so hot). Or in all honesty at ridiculous hours at night (like now). A good 40-50 hours of my life is strictly spent in work or at school. About 7 hours a week is spent working out with Shelly (of which two hours of that is probably spent in transportation to get to/from the rec). On Tuesday evenings, I'm booked with meetings. Wednesday and Sunday evenings are APO. And Monday/Wednesday are almost always dedicated to homework. In between all that I have to fit "life errands". And eating. So that leaves weekends. Of which I fill up trying to fulfill APO hours, watching my brother play baseball while I still can, catching up on sleep (major priority here) and sometimes doing homework. This next month is jampacked with tons of projects as it's the end of the semester.

I have the desire to develop relationships with others but there's no time. A lot of people tell me "to make it a priority". It's hard to make a priority when right now (with the exception of weekends) your responsibilites to get done with a bachelor's are so demanding. FYI....don't take 17 credits your last semester if at all possible. Really stupid idea. I want to make it a priority but if I do, then my academics that already suck, go down the drain even further.

I have also found I really have a passion to be moving, going, seeking. As in going somewhere and doing something new. Getting into the work place kinda scares me as I thrive off my life constantly evolving (one reason I'm so anxious about moving home...) and doing new things. It's hard to do new things when you're scraping by. I want to be out traveling the mountains on adventures with those developing friendships: hiking, taking pictures, learning to kayak, boating, fishing, camping. I want to be traveling the U.S. in new pursuits: SLC to follow family genealogy, visiting various museums around the nation, "sightseeing". I just want to be "going".

I also think I'm antsy because for so long I depended on the happiness of a romantic relationship. I've found trying to get off that dependency is hard. It's been invigorating, liberating, thrilling....but it's new and uncomfortable.

It's a beautiful thing that somewhere down the road this will all have a purpose. It is beautiful that I'm being pushed to dig into myself but it's painful, it's hard, and it's scary. It's also intimidating. The amount of scars I have been facing and still need to face are so monstrous that at times I wonder how I was able to ignore them for so very long, how I still can ignore some of them simply because I don't yet know how to face them and care for them.

I have moved on in some aspects but in others I haven't. There's still parts of me that twing when I hear Green Day songs and sushi (among other small things here and there) but I need to learn to let those go. It will come with time I know but until then the twings linger and make it hard sometimes. I think it's normal. But I also think I need to start associating everything that happens to remind me of him still with something else. They say that it takes half the amount of time you spent with someone to be able to move on. If that's the case I have at least another six months on my hands. I truly hope he's happy (he stopped talking to me again) or at least working on being happy. But there are many reasons I broke up with him, good reasons that are vital to myself.

I need to stop the bullshit and simply let it all go. Stop being scared of maybe facing parts of the future alone and just let it go. I am letting it go, working on letting it go, starting now.

I've just been a silly stupid girl until now, messing around with this even further when for a long time I've known I need to just move on and stop looking back.

I'm wondering if reasons I look back are because the future is so unknown, in every aspect of my life.

I truly wish I wasn't such a complicated woman.

I've also found I'm antsy because I am wondering the direction and purpose of my life. It's hard to understand what your direction and purpose is when it's so darn muddled in front of your very eyes. My family doesn't NEED me, my friends don't NEED me, a guy doesn't NEED me. So what's my purpose?! If I look for it in acadamia, well I'm not going to find it. I will be taking a brief hiatus to apply for nursing school. My acadamia fulfillment will be delayed for awhile so that's not my purpose right now. The direction my life is going to take....well apply to nursing school. But that decision won't be made until 10 months from now. And what happens if I don't get in?! What does my life's plan look like then? God knows I don't really have a desire to utilize the degree I'm getting. What is God's purpose for my life?! I'm trying to seek it, I'm trying to listen for God's answer, but I feel as though there's too much background noise of simply fulfilling life's "responsilities" right now. Either that or I'm not listening in the way I need to be.....or perhaps I'm not really trying to listen at all.

Perhaps, maybe I'm afraid of the answer.....or even more so, afraid there is no answer.

I want my life to be moving forward, but that moment it's beginning to stagnate, to take turns I don't want it to take....however I can't help but think that maybe God is trying to teach me something. He always does this. It's always for the better but trying to figure it out is always incredibly hard for me.

And I'm so stubborn and hard-headed that I don't learn from my mistakes the first time. I think anyone who knows me knows that.

I'm antsy, full of questions, with very little answers. Self-reflection is needed but I don't do it often right now because usually more pain is brought than good, especially because there are so little answers right now. Hopefully I'll get it figured out one day....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Snow Day

Here's a few pics of our snow day....aka the colorado "blizzard" of 09

Looking down my block towards my apartment building

the snow on top of my car

a tree outside the apartment building

a really cool close-up of one of the tree branches

look at how deep in my feet are!!!

wanna take a seat?!

learning how to focus my new camera :)

looking in towards my apartment

a cool pic of our fire hydrant piled with snow

Oh Eff Me

Who ordered snow?!?! Seriously, who ordered a blizzard warning?!?! Come here please so I can kick you in your shin....

Last week we had 75-degree weather. Now we have a blizzard warning. I walked to class at 7:30am with two inches of snow/slush ALREADY on the ground. We got out of class at 8:50am and there's now three inches of snow on the ground and it's snowing HARDER. What the H-E-double hockey sticks?!?!?!

Pro of a snow day: I get to stay cuddled up in bed.

Con of a snow day: I have a ton of work to do at the computer lab on campus and if the University closes then the lab which case I have to crunch it in tomorrow (given the University isn't closed tomorrow as well).

My integrative metabolism prof is absolutely hilarious. I actually used to sit in the front of the class right in from of him. Literally within like three inches. But I realized in the right conditions, his voice combined with the lack of exciting material can sometimes lull me to asleep....right in front of him. So now I sit in the front to the left of the room. Anywho, he's this crazy British guy who knows a lot but his sense of humor is dry and, well, British. It absolutely cracks me up. And he has hilarious facial expressions. Yesterday he got SO worked up at the three different ways to read/write linoleic/linolenic acids (aka omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids). And he made a few jokes about Oliver Twist and the feuding in ancient Britain.

Anywho, I think I'm going to leave work though I've only been here for 15 minutes and head over to the lab to work on my stuff so I can at least get some of it done.

Oh EFF this damn snow....I want warm weather!!!

Update three hours later: we have a snow day......lots of to come later

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


Here is a pic of my nephew Tyce from St. Patty's Day.....I edited because it was just a goshdarn cute picture and I didn't want the busy-ness of the background distracting from how adorable he is :)


My parents have recruited me to help with their newest project this summer.

They bought a house down in Manzanola, Colorado (where my dad grew up) for $7000. Basically it's a very cute old house but needs a TON of roof; we're going to try and salvage as much of the siding as possible by scraping paint, sanding and repainting; gutting out the inside and leaving the frame; replacing the cloth-covered copper wiring for something more safe; all new floors and drywall; tearing out old insulation and re-insulating the entire house; fixing up the shared garage with the house next door that's owned by the school district; new driveway; ripping out all the old roots and dead trees and transplanting new trees, etc.

My parents are looking to do this as cheap as possible....hence why I'm going to be participating in so much manual labor for free!!! They are looking for discounts for everything across the board...I will just be one of their gophers.

They look to either have this as a back-up for if they lose everything they have (which very well could happen due to the economy). They had to take their current house off the market. They tried to re-finance their house and the bank won't let them. So times are tough. It will be there in case. And if that doesn't happen, they will lease/rent it out and make some money off of it.

It really is an adorable house and apparently the economy in Manzanola is starting to pick back up so that's good. And the house is in an excellent spot....right across from the park and right down from the school. Oddly enough it's also right on the same corner that my dad's first girlfriend Trish lived :) hahaha

So this summer I have a busy schedule already....working full-time, traveling to Salt Lake City, Utah to try to follow our genealogy and prove our Chreokee heritage so my brothers can get their tuition & fees paid for by the government, and now a huge restoration project four hours away in Manzanola, Colorado!!!

Of course I'll have to add a little fun in there too :D

Monday, March 23, 2009

Hello God

Hello God are you out there can you hear me are you listening any more
Hello God if we're still on speaking terms can you help me like before
I have questioned your existence my resistance leaves me cold
Can you help me go the distance hello God hello hello

This old world has gone to pieces can we fix it is there time
Hate and violence just increases we're so selfish cruel and blind
We fight and kill each other in your name defending you
Do you love some more than others we're so lost and confused

Hello God are you out there can you hear us are you listening any more
Hello God if we're still on speaking terms can you help us like before
Oh the free will you have given we have made a mockery of
This is no way to be livin' we're in great need of your love
Hello God (hello hello)

Hello God can you grant us love enough to start again
Hello God is there still a chance that we can make amends
Hello God we've learned our lesson dear God don't let us go
Oh now more than ever Hello God. Hello hello
Hello God we really need you we can't make it without you
Hello God we beseech you in the name of all that's true
Hello God please forgive us for we know not what we do
Hello God give us one more chance to prove ourselves to you
Hello God, Hello God, Hello God, Hello God.

[Hello God as sung by Dolly Parton]
This last week I spent a lot of time by myself. Being on spring break most everyone was gone and I was sick so I spent about three days by myself in my bed watching tv and drifting in and out of sleep. It was very weird, but very calming & relaxing in its own sense. I feel as though I may have caught up a little on much needed rest.

But I also got nothing accomplished....and now I'm kicking myself in the rearend for it.

There's eight weeks of school left....and in the next eight weeks I have a TON of stuff jampacked in there. There's the obligatory 50 hours in class and work. There's the mandatory six hours Shelly and I spend a week on working out.

I have two weekends full of traveling to watch Marshall play baseball. I have all my homework and tests.

I have a senior project and portfolio due by the end of April (shit I need to get on that!).

I have finals.

I have to get my degree stuff ready for graduation (doing that today hopefully).

I have 13.5 hours of community service that needs to get done before the end of April for APO. And three more fellowship activities.

I need a couple girls' nights out with my gals.

And I need enough rest to get that all done.

Think I can make it?! Just barely but I think I can.

Spring is finally upon us!!! Yeah!! It's supposed to snow this week :( But then hopefully it's supposed to get warm again. I hope warm enough that it's not freezing on Friday.

For both APO and as something I'm doing with my roommate Shelly, we are participating in Sleep In Someone Else's which you get to experience how the homeless live and you sleep outside for a night. I just hope it's warm enough!! :) I shouldn't say that as the homeless can't choose the weather.

I can't wait to get out and about now that warm weather is a little bit of hiking, biking, etc.

Alright, off to start my week. I'm scatter-brained I know but I have a list about a page long of "things to get done"....

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Canon Rebel XS

I went to my parents house today to hang out and also have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in years.

To be honest, this graduation thing is a little foreign to me at the moment. Perhaps because it's not what I want to do with my life I haven't seen it as a big deal. However, the past couple weeks reality that I REALLY am graduating with a bachelor's degree has been creeping in.

No more so than my parents getting me a graduation present. I honestly wasn't expecting anything and was caught off guard when my brother Kevan texted me one day and said "you're gonna like your grad gift!" I literally was like "jigga what?"

Anywho, I got my present's a Canon Rebel XS 1000!!! I'm pretty damn excited. I will be reading this manual for the next week and playing/experimenting/dabbling. It's going to take me a LONG time to get used to and learn all about his new camera but I'm SO stoked.

I also got a pretty good telephoto lens and printer for free with the purchase. So overall the entire purchase was $700 for my parents....I'd have to say that's not bad at all considering what all I got and how much I have been drooling over cameras.

My dad is just as excited as I am, playing and messing so we will have to mess together a lot when I move back home in May.

But today it was a very pleasant surprise that I'm very grateful for :)

Now I just need a laptop to work with :) That's my next purchase next month!!

Ok off to play with my new toy :)

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I was reading through all of my myspace blog posts yesterday....deleting ones that I no longer wanted on there and going through my old thoughts.

Reading through them I definitely wrote a little bit more different. I was a little more optimistic, I wrote about smaller things, I wrote a lot more about God.

Which got me to thinking, what has changed so much in the last two years that I can see that difference?

My relationship with God used to be on the forefront of EVERYTHING. I lived and breathed my relationship with God, I boasted it, I scream it to the world. I no longer do that. I'm not sure if it's because I got tired of everyone beating me down because I'm a Christian or if I just got tired of people classifying me as a certain type of Christian. I would write about what sort of Christian I was, which got me thinking, why did I always feel the need to write that I'm not the bible-thumping, tell you you're a horrible person who's going to hell, type of Christian. I think I really got burned on being lumped into those categories, tired of having to defend myself, and tired of people assuming I'm someone I either am or am not.

I still live my faith, I express my faith constantly to others, I just don't think I scream it to the world anymore because....well I'm not being a martyr, I'm being human. I want to be accepted and liked. Call me crazy but I do. I got tired of not fitting in. I don't want to be looked at as "that girl"....the prude, goody-goody that you can't talk to, who won't do anything fun, who will judge you. I got tired of that. So now I simply live my life and while others know that my faith is important to me that it's not going to be something I will constantly push down others throats.

And I have gotten a little bit more liberal. I love hanging out with friends, going to the bars, of my biggest loves is kissing. Please don't make this out to be something slutty. I've only kissed eight guys since I've been a freshman in high school and been intimate with less than half that number. I guess I am not the straight-laced Christian I used to be in that sense. A lot of that I believe comes with the coming-of-age stuff in our turning 21, getting your heart broken for the first time, etc.

I don't see anything wrong with it. I've just noticed that change in me.

I also think a lot of my posts were about simpler, smaller things as I was a lot more naive to the ways and events of the world. Since then I have learned a lot more about sex, war, drugs, alcohol, crime, social justice, divorce, diversity, etc. In a way, it ripped me from my bubble of everything being so innocent and happy all the time to the realness of the world.

This is not to say I'm not still optimistic and don't take absolute pleasure from the small things in life. I do. I guess my skin is just a little bit more tougher to the hardships of this world and because of it, my ways of thinking and henceforth ways of writing are not so innocent and sheltered.

My mind no longer dwells all the time on "this little thing made me happy, the world will always be so bright and wonderful". Ok so yes my brain still thinks that a lot!!! Most of the time really. But I'm also going through a time in my life where for once I really have to focus on the now, on what's going on, and make some huge, serious decisions. I don't like having to make them.....ick, it means I'm really an adult. But I think that now parts of my brain are consumed with "more important things" that are more pressing whereas before those things weren't there.

Ok, this post is making me sound so much more negative than I was wanting it to. I'm not negative. I do view the world as beautiful and magical and majestic and awe-inspiring. I take so much pleasure in the little things. I am happy and optimistic and I get giddy about the stupidest things. I do still love God, He's my reason for living and being and is the guiding factor in my entire life.

I guess I just think a little differently, a little more adult, and a little more worrisome based on the point I am in life and all the stuff I'm going through with reaching cross-roads in every direction and trying to live, learn and grow. More of my brain space has to be dedicated to making "serious, adult" decisions that will alter my entire life course and I don't even know how yet.

I really think that I'm just growing. I'm evolving and becoming the woman God meant me to be. I'm at that inbetween phase. You know?!

Like when I was looking back through my pictures I noticed this: I was an adorable beautiful vivacious little girl.....all the way up until I hit around middle school. Right now I am an adorable, beautiful, strong, stubborn, vivacious woman. But there was a time where I was completely awkward....I was shy, klumsy, had big hair, glasses, crooked teeth and a very bad taste in dressing myself. I think I'm in that awkward point in my life right now. It's a huge transition period that I can't just be my carefree self ALL the time. I'm learning SO much about myself it's hard to always be that beautiful happy-go-lucky woman. I'm making mistakes, tripping over myself and my decisions, stumbling along groping for answers.....and I think my blogs highly reflect that.

We see my bipolarness due to making day I'm on top of the world and praising, singing, laughing, cracking jokes.....and then the next something is deeply troubling me or something is grating under my skin.

I find myself having actively relax and calm myself more than ever. Not because I WANT to be agitated and anxious....but because life has worked out to be that way right now with everything coming from all angles at me right now.

I want to say this to anyone who reads my blogs....I really am not such a moody, bitchy, pessimistic person. Just realize I'm dealing with a lot right now, not just in making decisions, but really trying to get a grasp on my life and who I am. I am carefree and loving and independent and stubborn and enthusiastic and optimistic and faithful most of the time to the point of driving others nuts. However, that other part of me that's worrisome and anxious comes out a little bit more now and because this is my blog, this is where it comes out.

This is literally where you see me battle myself emotionally....where you see me going from caring about relationships to not wanting to be in one the next day. Where one day things between me and my family are fine and the next week things are haywire. Where one day I have a crush on this boy and next week I have a crush on another boy. Where one day I am conquering the world and the next day I feel like life just bitch-slapped me right across the face. I come here to share my elation as well as to vent my steam. I come here to pour out worries and also to pour out hopes and dreams. This is where I purge.

And one day I'll read back over this post and shake myself at how crazy I sounded and how completely erratic I was but also remember that at this point in time I was who I was and I was happy and I was learning and growing and loving and making mistakes and evolving.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Last year my brother Marshall and I had a falling out. Recently, especially, I've been trying to establish close lasting bonds between my brothers and I. Growing up we were all three "thick as thieves" and as I went through high school and started dealing with my own traumas, it wasn't that we didn't care as much, our bonds started going by the wayside. It's hard to remain close to your brothers when 1) you're the only girl and 2) you're constantly battling your own demons and 3) you are completely responsible for figuring out your life.

Marshall and I have always been close in a very special way as for a long time it was only me and then just me and him....Kevan came along and Marshall had his little brother (brotherly bonds are special in their own right). Marsh and I shared something unique while he shared something unique with Kev and I shared something unique with Kev. But when Marshall's ex came into the picture, our relationship changed. We went through a period where I honestly didn't know if we would ever have any sort of relationship ever again. On top of that, I was dealing with relationship issues and issues with my family. I just never put rekindling a relationship with Marsh and Kev as my first priority.

I really feel guilty for not having always been there. As the oldest I guess I have always felt a responsiblity to be the "glue" of the family. Not only was I not keeping that role but I wasn't keeping any role. I literally gave up on relationships with my brothers for awhile. Along with that, I missed out on some special times we could have had together.

However, my brothers and I have all started to make extra efforts to not only rebuild our relationships but build strong ones. We realize that we want to be close like we see other siblings being and we are the only three who knows what the other is going through in special terms. (It's hard to include Reece in this mix when it's always uniquely been us three.....all in due time he'll be part of our inner circle.) I think part of this has been started with our keeping secrets from our parents....yeah we all three talk about our sex lives together, harbor each other's secrets of tattoos/tattoo updates, and the like. But I know I've recently starting putting more effort into being there physically and emotionally.

Going to Marshall's games, Kevan's swim meets, graduations, drunken times together, etc.

I was going through our pictures, before the craziness of me going off to college and us losing some touch, and I love seeing these family pics. They are what makes my world. I don't have many in digital form as they were all taken manually but some were scanned in for my senior slideshow. Here's a few that I really love and make me smile :)

I like looking back through memories like gives me hope and optimism for the special times we will have in the future :)

I Hate Being....

Sick. sucks major monkey balls.

I haven't gotten a shower yet and it's past 2pm. I know I smell, I know my breath smells. Even right after I brush my teeth my mouth tastes like I just ate dirt. I hate always have such bad breath when you're sick.

When I wake up I honestly can't breath. I find myself struggling to get my airway open. It stinks.

Not to mention I have no drive to do jack shit. I hate being lazy. I just wasted almost a whole day!!

I'm getting ready to hop in the shower finally so I can go run errands. But I thought I'd bitch to someone since there's no one around for me to bitch to.

St. Patty's Day picks will be up soon....along with other pics I will get off my camera finally :) It went well with the fam. Everyone getting along, acting like normal. It's great to finally have everyone in the same room again.....however I feel it could be dangerous because AGAIN the whole issue is getting swept under the floor rather than being talked we'll see.

My dad let the bomb slip yesterday that they are getting me a new camera for my sounds like it's going to be an SLR :) I'm SOOOOOOO excited. I still need to get a good point and shoot though for those times when carrying around an SLR is not a wise decision. I think I might go stalk bestbuy prices today :) Ok that's motivation enough for me to hop in the shower

I'm excited!! I didn't even think about graduation presents or anything....I guess that's what happens when you don't view your own graduation as a big deal.

Ok it IS a big deal as it IS a bachelor's.....that's a big deal. However, the degree that I'm getting is not the degree that is my life's goal so for me it's a stepping stone....henceforth, it's not a big deal to me. And I don't associate my graduating as a big deal. I still have another degree to go. HA!

Ok shower time....thank God, I smell horrendous. Not really but I feel like it :)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Happy St. Patty's Day

G'day, the luck of the Irish to ya :)

I'm getting ready to head to my cousin's birthday get-together. It's the first time I will see my parents and aunt/uncle together in the same room since Thanksgiving. It's going to be a bit uncomfortable for me at first. I don't know if they have talked at all since then but apparently some sort of communication has been going on. Maybe they have even spent some time together!! I just haven't been there so at first I know I will be walking on eggshells until I can get a feel for the situation that's going on between them.

I'm sort of torn. I find myself getting very "attached" to Marshall's girlfriend. I really do like her. Tara Long. That's her name. She's very sweet, very real, very honest. She actually interacts with me...gasp!! Unlike his psycho ex or other various girlfriends to remain unnamed. She's very easy to get along with, has a good head on her shoulders. And I can tell she really does love and adore Marshall.

I'm just torn.....because I feel that everytime I actually get attached to one of his girlfriends (which is rarely) they don't last and then I'm left with odd strings to deal with on my should I or should I not continue talking to her, will she want to talk, all that good jazz. I also think she's good for him.

However, I know that they are both getting their associate's in May and heading off from McCook to go on to bigger and better things. Marsh is trying to find a place to get on a baseball team....sounds like he's looking at Mesa & Metro here in Colorado. And Tara has a full-ride as long as she stays in-state in Nebraska. So I hope to God she stays in Nebraska and doesn't follow Marsh. However, of course, knowing this I also know how often relationships fail when two people go two different ways.

It sucks. I like her :( And I find myself getting to know her more and more at the games.

ICK. I hate the complications of relationships sometimes. All of them!!!

I just made my picks for March Madness.....basically it boils down to pure dumb luck. I know nothing about college basketball. We'll see how well I guessed though!!

Alright, I need to get heading off to trapsy around the state of Colorado again....I think I've put almost 900 miles on my car since saturday morning.....poor thing, she needs an oil change like yesterday.

Green beer!!! :D

Friday, March 13, 2009

Tat It Up, Tat It Up

I sit before you now a tatted woman :)

I went with my brother yesterday to get my first tattoo. I say first because who's to say that I won't get another one someday!!

My brother and his friends were on spring break this week. Originally they had games but they all got cancelled so they decided to come back down to Colorado and the Fort area to hang out with old friends and whatnot. I had commented to Marsh (my brother) that I wanted to get my tattoo and wanted to go with him.

He got our family crest awhile ago with my cousin. When he decided to come back down the fort he decided to get his retouched and I wanted to get mine so we went together.

I went first. I got a phrase in Latin that Leonardo Da Vinci had written in his journals when he was in his eighties. The phrase to me is very profound and close to my heart as we all know I'm constantly learning and growing.

It says "ego sum etiam eruditio" which means "I am still/always learning". The first one gives you an idea of what it looks like on my body and the second one is a close-up of the lettering. Small but meaningful :)

Along with getting his crest touched up, he also decided to put the black swan as a silhouette behind it and I honestly think it looks BA. It really brings out the crest and has profound meaning to him and his friends. Him and his friends are bonded by music and this swan is on the album cover of one of "Story of the Year"'s albums. Apparently the black swan represents deviance. Pretty self explanatory. But it also represents the bond with him and his college buddies.

His friend Evan was "green with envy" as Evan has a pretty sweet tat on his thigh that is a plethora of band symbols mixed together. He said the tat represented the bond he had made between him and his brother by going to concerts as well as the bond that music has brought between him and all his friends.

So here is Marshall's tat and the last one is the best pic I could find of Evan's tat (just so you can all see what it looks like).

Monday, March 09, 2009


I went and watched my brother play baseball.....for the first time since he's been in college....he's a sophomore....this past weekend. It was great!!

I know this sounds weird but after not being around my family for a little over a month it was easy riding in a car with them for four hours both ways. Although at the end of the way back home my youngest brother Reece was sort of being a jack but hey that's what happens when you're the baby.

Gotta watch Marsh play one game, he sat the other. They won one game, lost the other. Unfortunately I don't have pics as my camera sucks monkey balls and I have no computer that will allow me to upload pics anymore so I can't take pics :( But my dad did and I'll post a few once I get those from him.

We are thinking about going back up to watch him this next weekend.

Hanging out with his friends is a blast :) Hahaha they crack me up. I'm a little shy around them, I don't know them well, but oh well. God hanging out with guys is so much easier than hanging out with girls.

Anywho, just got a 73% on a midterm. I'm not doing too hot this semester. Ick. I'm averaging a B average right bueno for trying to apply to nursing school. I just hate taking 17 credit hours and working all the time. I want more time for fun!!

Asta luego.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Kicking The Bucket

A friend posted her bucket list and another friend posted her to/be/have lists. It's funny, I say what I want to do before I die a lot. But remembering when I go to make this list might be interesting. It might contain revisions. We'll see.


1. Ride the train system (yes as in illegally and without a plan)
2. Live in Italy for at least a year and travel/appreciate their culture, art, history
3. Travel Europe
4. See Maine in the fall
5. Get my scuba diving license
6. Submit a photo and get it published
7. Buy an SLR :)
8. Have a wall that is absolutely covered floor to ceiling with pictures in photo frames
9. Learn to drive stick shift
11. Build my own house in the countryside that is still close enough to a metropolis area with a wrap-around porch and plenty of acreage (of course next to the Rocky Mountains!)
12. Run a half-marathon or do a mini-triathlon
13. Volunteer with a non-profit longterm
14. Get my MSN (Masters of Science in Nursing) concentrating in Neonatal
15. Help out in Africa
16. Go back to Okinawa and Japan
17. Roadtrip cross-country stopping at ridiculous places and eating new foods
18. Go white-water rafting
19. Go sky-diving and bungee-jumping
20. SWIM WITH DOLPHINS!! Always has been high on my list of to-do
21. Write my autobiography for my chilren, grandchildren, etc to read and know they were loved dearly and know more about who I am
22. Snorkel the barrier reef
23. Touch the top of a jellyfish
24. Have my own garden that is fruitful (this one may take a lot of practice and time....I tend to kill things)
25. Learn a different language fluently (I'm finding I remember how to read more French than I thought)
26. Learn sign language
27. Take the women of my family on an all-expenses paid cruise!
28. Buy my dad a sweet Harley and let him and mom have fun traveling around the country
29. Pay off all my student loans
30. Learn to appreciate what I've got

Monday, March 02, 2009

Holocaust Awareness: Survivor Panel

This week is Holocaust Awareness Week at CSU. Tonight we had a survivor's panel in which two survivors, Doris Fedrid and Walter Plywaski , of the Holocaust came to speak to us. I have wanted to go for the past two years but forgot both times or was busy. I made it a point to go however this year. World War II absolutely fascinates me but education is very important and valuable to me, as I feel it should be to everyone.

We don't realize it but we have a lot to learn from the past. And this is a part of the past that we can hear about in person. Not from a textbook but from firsthand account. It's been said that history repeats itself. This is not a part of history we want to repeat. Only through education can we stop the reoccurrence of something so evil and destructive happening again.

What struck me the most is a concept we have been talking about in my current world problems class. It's called the banality of evil. Walter spoke about his story. But not only that, he spoke of how different the victims looked from those inflicting such massive torture and death. The funny thing is, there wasn't really a difference, as he noted over and over again. What separated them wasn't appearance, but the evil ability of one person to see the other as subhuman. Evil doesn't look evil. It looks boring, unremarkable, insignificant. It looks like you and me. It's not recognizable. You can't point out someone on appearances alone and say "S/He is evil." In fact, one question posed to Walter was if any of the Nazis every showed any acts of kindness what-so-ever. Only two did. And he mentioned that one of those two was one very "brutal-looking man, big shoulders, lantern jaw"....but this man was one of two in the years he spent in camps who showed any kindness, slipping him a loaf of bread on three separate occasions. Evil is only seen through actions.

He also talked about how evil is remarkable in the sense that it wasn't just men who willing committed such atrocities. Women too. Women played as much an evil role as men. They oversaw the female population. And were just as heartless.

Yet these people could laugh and joke and act as if nothing was happening when just a several hundred yards away millions of humans were being brutally exterminated. They could wine and dine while they starved their prisoners. They could gather and sing in chorus' while Jews were being lined up to be shot for no reason just a few feet from them. Evil is in the acts.

What was unique of Doris was that she was deaf. She became deaf when she was two due to rheumatoid fever. The Nazis didn't just exterminate Jews....they exterminated the disabled, the homosexual, the handicapped, other races that were "impure". She made it through it all without being executed. And her faith still stands. Peter has no faith. He believes a God cannot possibly exist. But Doris thanks God for her life, and getting to spend time with her children and grandchildren.

Listening to their stories was remarkable and value and touching.

If you want more information about the events going on at CSU this week please visit As well, there are opportunities for you to learn on how to get involved in how to stop genocide and what you can do to help.