Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wow, it's totally been awhile since I've been able to sit down and express my thoughts. Life has been full of the holidays, working with my kiddos, and working for my parents.

I got hired full-time working at the preschool. YEAH! So far it's been a good thing. I get benefits and I get to work with some of the cutest little kids ever. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself that works to mold and shape little kids, special ed kids nonetheless. Right now it's what gives me purpose. Seeing the progress and working with my little Ethan and Patrick is gives my life some sort of purpose right now. It's cool to know that these kids will never remember who I am.....but I am playing a crucial part in their lives that will have lifelong effects. They both warm my heart every single day that I work. Their smiles are just immeasurable to me, truly and completely. It only affirms that working with children is what I want to do with my life. It just reaffirms that working with children is a passion of mine, a gift that God gave me, something I'm good at, and something I'm meant to do.

I'm getting more and more nervous about getting into nursing school. I need my life to be moving forward, I need something to be happening. I don't necessarily love where I'm at. I'm so very confused and lost in many ways right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My brother Marshall's life is falling into place however. I will be a sister-in-law very shortly, within the next year to two years most likely. He's picking out engagement rings.....and the one he found is beautiful. I like her. I like Jenni, very much. She's beautiful, funny, talented, and so strong in her faith. She's very good for him. But I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I'm partially afraid Jenni will take over a huge portion of my place in my parents hearts. Jenni is the girl my parents wish I could be......I'll never measure up to that. No matter how hard I try. My parents look at her and see an amazing woman.....and I'm pretty positive my parents look at me and see quite a bit of disappointment. But at least my parents can have a daughter they are proud of.

I'm very lost right now. I'm very lost and confused emotionally.

I feel right now like I'm floating through life. I feel like I'm not enough of a person to be loved by someone else, not deserving, and because of it I sort of live my life a tad recklessly. I have no idea what's going on in my life romantically, nor what I want to be going on in my life romantically. I don't know what my future holds in the slightest, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I belong and who really likes being around me.

I'm sure everyone else picks up on this confusion and it repels others but I'm not sure how to combat it.

Oh and to add, my body decided to get bronchitis for the first time ever. I'm not a fan. My body is tired of coughing and is getting absolutely exhausted. Not to mention I'd love to have my voice back.....I sound pretty funny without my normal voice.


I have so much I want to get out right now but I also don't know exactly how to express what all I'm feeling. So alas I'll wait until I can express it in words.

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