Thursday, October 15, 2009


All in all, I'm doing fine but I'm not doing fine.

These anxiety attacks have been taking a huge toll on my body. Aunt flow came a week early...while I'm still taking birth control. My body doesn't do abnormal things like this. My back is in constant painful pain, and now my neck constantly hurts from being so tense all the time. I'm used to my back constantly being sore and by the end of the day a tad uncomfortable. I'm not used to it really hurting like this. I'm also not used to my neck hurting, and hurting so bad. Ibprofen doesn't really do much, and my body is normally sensitive to any sort of medication as I don't take medication very much.

My dreams at night have been restless, and bothersome. To a point where all I want to do at the end of the day is hit my bed and crash but my greatest fear is falling asleep not knowing what sort of bothersome dream I'm in store of having. I crave sleep and I hate sleep right now. It sucks.

I don't know how to handle this so I'm doing it the best I know how. By ignoring it on one level, worrying/stressing on another level, and coping when I have a few moments to myself to breathe.

I started my phlebotomy class this week. It's been rather fun thus far. Nerve-racking but fun. I got to draw blood from a fake arm today and it felt refreshing, it felt refreshing to be learning something and taking a step forward with my life. I'm paying for this class directly out of my pocket (a bittersweet feeling), I'm bettering my education which has taken a halt up until now, and I'm easing myself into the medical field slowly but surely. Not to mention, the second time when I hit the "vein" all by myself without the help of the instructor, without the instructor even looking, made me feel good. I can learn new skills. And I got some kudos from the other classmates.

The woman who sits next to me is named Polly and she has two kids. She's redheaded, soft-spoken and very sweet. She has a silent support and it's been nice to have that.

I am babysitting this weekend. I'm also studying at The Market downtown to get away from everything here in Brighton for awhile, take an opportunity to enjoy a "local" coffee shop and people watch and be 22 for a little bit, a 22-year-old who doesn't have to worry about being Ms. Nic or a strong person for those around me who like to think it's ok for me to not be ok.

I also will be hanging out with a couple of my girls. Therapy for my soul. I need it. I need my girls. I need time with a couple people who understand who I am and where I'm coming from. Spending some time with a couple of my best friends who can understand what I mean when I say I feel everything and nothing all at once, my best friends who understand I need to talk but can't talk about a lot right now because it's too painful.

I've almost given up on Eric. He has decided to ignore me in one of my biggest times of need. There is so much to say, but nothing I want to say. I am still in love with him. That hasn't changed. But I also don't know how to deal with everyting. He was this wonderful person before he broke up with me in July and since then I don't get him. I don't know whether to believe if he really cares about me or loves me with how he has acted on quite a few occasions. If you love someone, you show them right?! You care about their well-being, emotionally and physically. You want to be around them. At least that's what I thought. But I can't talk about him right now. It hurts. It hurts too much. And I don't know how to deal with being in love with someone who I'm not sure really ever did love me though he said he did and who now ignores me, completely ignores me.

I have too much to deal with. It's easy for people to say not stress, but I can't not stress.

I want my family back. I want to be happy with where I live and who I am again. I want laughter back in my life, people who understand me and support my (sometimes stupid and irrational) decisions, a place to call home that actually feels comfortable and I don't feel like an intruder, and the confidence I had just a few short months ago. So much has changed since graduation....and I'm not happy with where I'm at.

But I'm learning to try to be content and thankful to God for where I am, though I don't like it.

Like today, I got to see Britt while getting my transcripts on campus. I bumped into her unknowingly and I got a huge hug. She doesn't realize how much that one hug, and Britt whom I love for her crazy self and loves me back for my crazy self, made my day because for the first time in quite awhile, I felt special and loved for exactly who I am and it was shown in a few brief seconds when we spotted each other and we were wholly excited to see each other and hug each other. It so totally made my day to know that someone who knows me to the core still loves and appreciates running into me, and can embrace me so tight and lovingly.

I'm trying to learn to be content and patient. I'm trying to have listening ears as to what God's plan is for my life right now. I'm really trying.

I just can't help but long to feel as confidant and happy as I was a few short months ago....I'm working on it, slowly but surely, and I'm trying to slow down a little bit and figure out a few things in my life.

Until then, my nose will be in my phlebotomy books...

No comments: