Thursday, September 17, 2009

Love Takes Courage

Rollercoaster love.

Eric and I are not dating again. we had a great conversation yesterday via facebook. Unconventional but I think he is able to talk easier when there's no pressure coming from my end....though I think he's figuring out I'm supportive and understanding either way, he just is not good with conflict at all.

But I was able to pour out a little of my heart. He deserves the world.....but so do I and what was going on is not fair to me.

He finally admitted he's not ready to date. Yes we both love each other. But I think he has some deep scars he just hasn't fully mended to. He finally admitted he doesn't think he can be for me what I deserve and need him to be, that he can't be as open towards me as I am with him when it comes to matters of baring our hearts to each other. It was really quite refreshing to have this convo.

I basically told him that I'm not ready to date anyone but him so I will in theory be waiting for him to work on himself. I have faith in him. I really do. He just doesn't have the same faith in himself. I also let him know that if he doesn't ever feel for me what I feel for him then he needs to let me know. I laid down a few ground rules for how I expected to be treated.

But I also let him know that I understand. And I tried to let him know that me being as open and receptive to others with my heart and being so willing to love others is a pretty recent development and has been a huge work in progress.

He doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. But I think he's learning that I'm not someone who's going to hurt him....I will be supportive and understanding to a point and that I can completely relate to where he's coming from.

I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for honesty and sincerity and commitment. I hope he understands that. I'm looking for someone to grow with, not someone to be my knight in shining armour persay. I want someone who can be imperfect yet enjoy life with me, someone who can praise God with me and cry with me when I need it. Someone who will be there. Someone who at times will annoy me because I can't handle ALWAYS getting along and agreeing with someone 100% of the time. Someone who will treat me like I'm worth the world and who will allow me to smother them with love in return (in a completely healthy manner). I see it in him, he just doesn't see it in himself. He needs time to realize he's not as messed up as he thinks and he can offer me more....I see it in his eyes, he's just afraid to in fear of getting hurt.

Man I love being able to naturally read people well. There were some perks to growing up so incredibly shy. I got pretty good at being observant and reading people. I don't notice some things, like all the objects in my environments but I do pick up on body language and gestures and figuring out people pretty quickly.

All I know is love takes a lot of courage.....Eric just hasn't found as much courage as I have yet. And he hasn't figured out that yes, putting your heart out to others takes a lot of risk and you might get hurt....but more often than not, if people care about you back, there's no reason to worry.

And well, in my opinion, love is the most powerful thing. And I want to leave this world having loved to my full potential. It hurts for sure and carries huge risks....but at the same time, I'd rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Lvoe is the most beautiful thing :) Follow your heart kid, and you can never go wrong.

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