I'm sitting here filling out my third form for a background check (two others for the school district) for my phlebotomy class and I'm a little scared to take this class.
This is the first class I'll be taking in two years in relation to what I want to do with my life....this isn't a bullshit class in which I get to give less 100% because I don't care about what I'm learning. This is the first time in two years I really want to and have to be serious about a class. And I'm scared of failure.
I'm scared to fail because my future rides on me wanting to pursue my passion for nursing and this is the first time I've actually thought to myself, what if I'm not good enough?!
I have fears like anybody else. I'm not scared to be bad at most things, because in the long run it doesn't really matter that I'm not a joke-teller, that I don't have an extensive knowledge in any given area (ie cars, computers, music, sports, politics, economics, etc), that I have no special talents. I don't mind being less than average at most....I've always sat along the sidelines while my brothers shined at their certain areas and I sat in the background. I've always sat back while my mother and father marveled at how pretty other girls were over me. I've always sat back while others told jokes and I laughed. I always sat by and watched recognition go to others. Being outshined to me is normal.
But to fail at something that I have a passion for, that I want to become my life's work, that scares me. I don't want to fail at this. I don't want to shine and be the best (ok yes I secretly want to be but I'm also realistic with how much the pain would hurt if I turn out to not shine), but I don't want to fail. I don't want to be less than average, I don't even want to be average. I want to be excellent. I don't need the recognition or pats on the back. I just want for once to be good at something I'm really passionate about.
Passion is all I have. Talent hasn't been on my side. But I hope for once they can come together.
And I'm scared to fail.