2013, where did 2012 go?!

Everyone said that this last year would go fast and indeed it has! On one hand it dragged on, incredibly long, but on the other hand it went by decently fast, though I didn't get to enjoy too much of it.

I can also tell it was busy by the lack of writing I have done, both here on my blog and in my journal. Only one journal entry for 2012 and I didn't even get a chance to finish it!! A few more made it up here but that's due to how fast and easy it is for me to type compared to handwritten entries.

This is a catch up.

Since my last entry, a lot transpired. Basically a lot of holidays, a lot of family, and tying up the ends of finishing nursing school. Quite a bit of studying (though not as much as I would have liked to say), a ton of work, and catching up on sleep. I've even gone so far as to actually bake and cook once or twice!! That my friends is saying something, both to how much time I have and the lack of other things to do, as most are aware that cooking/baking is not my passion.

 This year's Christmas was pretty low-key, which I thought was wonderful. Just my parents, us kids (minus Marsh, Jenni and Axel), and a pretty simple Christmas morning. We made Christmas dinner and then that night both my father and I headed to work. I decorated the tree and stair-case, as usual, and tried to make the house feel warm and inviting :-)

 This year my gifts were few and simple (though not exactly cheap!). I got what I asked for as both a graduation and Christmas gift. See on one hand I'm feminine, yet I also love powertools, anything that goes fast, and have started looking at getting my concealed carry. So for Christmas I asked for a subcompact pistol. What I got was a Glock Subcompact 9mm 26Gen (or 27Gen....can't remember).

 

My father took me shooting for the first time and I LOVED IT!! At first it was very awkward, getting used to holding a weapon that could kill someone if not handled properly, and adjusting to the kickback. But once I got it down I found it such a thrill! And might I add, I turned out to not be too shabby of a shot :-)

 

This is just a random picture of me....that I took right after the finish of my VERY LAST CLINICAL!

This month has also marked a few milestones. On January 22nd, it was the 2-yr anniversary of losing my little Ethie. There is not a day that goes by that this little guy is not in my heart and thoughts. He is such a big part of my life that I carry with me every day. He influences how I desire to live my life, what I want to stand for, and how I want to be remembered. And ironically, I now share his same hairstyle, short and red! I miss him so dearly, every day, but look back with so much hope, love, and laughter of the memories I have with him. And his smile still greets me every day as his picture is in my bathroom and one at my bedside. What a wonderful way to always start my day :-)

 This month also marked one year since my bone marrow donation. I was able to make contact with my recipient and it has been such a blessing! What a wonderful thing, to be able to touch someone else's life!! To hear that she gets to spend another year full of holidays with family, friends, and her grandchildren, what an amazing gift. She also seems to have acquired my taste for chocolate and wine ;-) Never a bad thing to pass along.

 I have enjoyed being able to slow down and spend time with family, getting to know my nephew, and be a part of people's lives again. At this point in time, I'm waiting to hear back from The Children's Hospital Colorado, about whether I will get to join their Nurse Residency Program and will be taking my nursing boards in about a week or two. Another busy couple weeks but so blessed!! I also got to attend church for the first time in over a year. How wonderful is that?!?!

Depression

As of late I have strayed away from really writing in my blog for awhile.
Part of it is a sheer lack of time. The other part of it is a feeling of sadness, and being so overwhelmed and confused, that sitting down to write just seemed an attempt at futility. How can I possibly sum up into words the massive amounts of emotions that have been rolling around inside my heart and soul for the past several months? And how can I possibly explain the crazy chaos that is my life to most of the world. Even to those of us in this nursing program, it's impossible to relate each individual's experience of the program to another as we all have different facets at which we come into this program, different support systems, priorities, attitudes, etc.

Admittedly, I've had a desire to sit here and let the keys take me away like they normally do, and I've started writing several times.

But then I read it, and I read how inaccurately I was capturing what I wanted to say. The wrong words for indescribable emotions and feelings. And the sheer lack of positivity that I could bring into those words. And I would hit the delete key and erase all the words that I had just written, feeling it better to remain in silence and in my own head than to make my thoughts public. I've sat down with my written journal, only to look at my pen with sheer exhaustion. Not possible and too overwhelming. So much time, so many events, and so many thoughts. What would I write about? What would accurately reflect this past few months in my life? What would others think? How could I incapsulate the negativity accurately, yet also show the incredible experiences I am going through and what I am slowly learning?!

 I think another aspect to staying away from pouring out any part of my soul was that this has been a rough time for me and I've been concentrating more on getting my head/heart back to a solid platform, one where I could actually start to put words to my thoughts, once I had translated them and figured out where they were coming from.

The only way to look at a higher point is to be at a low, the only way to come back up is to first look up, to take a look at where you're going. So how do you do that when all you can see in your way is tons of boulders? And how can you possibly start climbing up when the boulders are taller than you, you have no climbing gear, nor a fellow climber to help you out? Well that's where I was. Stuck at a low point, surrounded by boulders taller than me, "unmovable boulders", with no way to see where I was, where I needed to go, nor any way to get out.

One thing I have realized in the past few months is I have been depressed. I started slipping into a depression somewhere before my first break from school. If I really start looking at when it started creeping on, it was probably more sometime around the end of last year/beginning of this year, with some very mild signs. I've always been very good about being positive, and looking on the bright side of things, but when life becomes preoccupied with one thing, without any way of maintaining my outlets, that has a tendency to go away. I think the reason it didn't affect me earlier was I loved my job (which is what was eating up so much of my time) and had a great support system there, I was looking forward to nursing school (and preparing for it), and I wasn't completely consumed by something I didn't really enjoy with people I didn't particularly care for.

Then I started this program, and the newness combined with how demanding it is occupied most of my emotional capacity. I was so busy, that I didn't have time to really think about how I felt, or the emptiness that was starting to be felt inside of me. Being in this program, I'm with some very intelligent and competitive people. Being a natural introvert, who hates too much competition, and with a somewhat lower self-esteem, this program started eating away at me. I can't handle too much negative stimulation, too much unhealthy attitudes/personalities. And that's what a lot of this program is. I don't thrive trying to prove how good I am, I thrive off doing and being surrounded in something that betters others. Not focusing on myself.

I wish I could say I could thrive in this dog-eat-dog sort of environment but really I just can't handle it. If everyone was more positive, supportive, and genuinely supportive that would be a different matter but as it stands, I hate how competitive it is, how everyone has to be right or better than everyone else, and how there's just an over-arching lack of genuine support. I do rely on having some personal fulfillment from my surrounding environment. And that's what I am attracted to. If something is not healthy for me, normally I learn to let go and find an area that is more beneficial. This is an instance where sacrifice wins out over happiness...nix that, it's mandatory. So here I am surrounded in a world of competitive negativity, where we battle each other to see how we can compare with each other, but never really making a difference in the lives of others, or doing something that can be a continual deed of good.

Couple that with the sheer exhaustion of the rigors of the program, coupled with still working at least one day a week....and I'm a melted chocolate chip cookie most of the time.

I hit an incredibly low point last month. I'm still not at a great point, but I'm not at an absolute low like I was. I don't think that will change too much until it gets closer to the end of this program. But I believe I have found a point where I can find a temporary area of contentment.

Once I hit that huge low point, I started facing the facts. I am in a depression. And that has been hard to admit. But I can't let it keep going. I absolutely am not a huge fan of man-made medicine (go figure...) so I put myself on some natural anti-depressants. Are they miracle workers?! Absolutely not. But they take the edge off the despair and anxiety that lives inside of me on a pretty consistent basis anymore. I don't think the depression will go away until my life really becomes my own again. So I have to sit still and wait for that for a little while.

But things have been getting slowly better. I withdrew from some of the things that get to me and have been trying to take care of myself. That basically has meant I address the first and second tier of the hierarchy of needs and have isolated. I try to catch up on sleep, I'm trying to focus on eating healthier (as I have gained quite a bit of weight since I started this program and need to start focusing on my own health), and if I am in the right state of mind, I will meet one friend a week to catch up. That's about all I can handle currently. Isolation to take my own personal breather has provided the best outlet for me.

So while I may not be out of the hole, I found some rope snuggled in between my boulders and I am looking up, with my foot on the first foothold, and I'm trying to climb up towards the light. Here's to looking up....and to taking control of my depression, and finding some resources to battle it.

Newest 'Do

I think most everyone has figured out by now that I can't have the same hair color too long without getting bored.

I think what really fueled the fire this time was having been my natural color for so long, coupled with being a part of the Stepford Wives atmosphere that is nursing school. When I got accepted into nursing school I changed my hair color from the blond that I had worked towards back to it's natural dark brunette. Which means that I've been brunette since roughly October.

Then I entered into nursing school and I'm around the same people all the time. Everyone has long hair, natural hair, and I enjoy my short messy do. But everyone has either brunette or blond hair, I wanted something a little different.

So I decided to flirt with red hair :-) And I love it!! I can't wait until we get it to the final color that I'm overall really wanting!!

@update

It's amazing how times flies and just HOW much we can fit into smaller units of time. Life is...unspeakably busy and chaotic...and beautiful. Trying to cherish my life but when there's so much shoved into it, it's just flying by.

The latest updates:

1. I signed the lease on the apartment I'll be sharing with 3 other accelerated students...agh!! So crazy and exciting and nerve-wracking. All at once.

2. I have most everything figured out for nursing school...but still have to buy books. And it starts in about 3.5 weeks. Somebody please pinch me. That's way too soon!! And in less than a year I'll be done with nursing school. Ridic.

3. I am working on the side tables with my dad...all that's left is staining them (picture post to come soon).

4. I'm working crazy amounts of overtime. As in, working almost every day. Hence why I haven't been able to finish projects, post anything about life, or get anything done that I need to get done. Great for extra dough, tough on the sleep schedule, stress that I have, and overcommitment tendencies that I have. But the big boss called in a favor...couldn't say no.

5. I'm a bone marrow donor match!! I'll be donating sometime halfway through January!!

So much to do, so little time, so many emotions I'm loving and ignoring. Ah, isn't life bliss?!?! :-)

Who Are You?

I heard this question on a documentary I was watching the other night...who are you? What makes you uniquely you?

I'ven been wondering that a lot lately. I haven't really figured out how to say some of the things I know about myself. Most of that stemming to the fact that I often think in vividly-colored pictures/scenes and emotions/feelings. I don't think very much in words. I feel/see something that then have to make myself come up with words to put to it, sometimes very hard to do with my limited vocabulary. And I express so much better when "writing", whether by hand or via keyboard.

I think I'm still very much on that path of self-discovery, and have been for quite some time. I have some things that are just inherently me...loose definitions. I'm Nicole. I'm fun, positive, spunky, bright, optimistic, emotional, strong-willed, fiercely independent, God-fearing, lively, adventurous, a smartass, joking, singing, funky, caring, passionate, lover of life! But who am I?! I'm just me...lover of comfortable jeans and flip-flops, lover of God, lover of nature, hater of negativity, lover of adventure, crazy, wacky. I'm OCD, and slightly neurotic. I worry more than I ever let people know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really care! I long to find some place that I can finally fit in and not always be the oddball. I do want to be loved but don't seek it out as I don't think I deserve it. I underestimate myself quite a bit yet have a strong confidence in myself because I have to. I thrive in relationship with others, as I'm crazy social, yet somehow still a slightly natural introvert. I have a hard time applying a filter to my mouth (wearing the heart on the sleeve thing sorta gets in the way). I'm a great listener and I talk a lot. I love learning and am quite intelligent. I can't sit still to save my life, yet do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm a huge procrastinator yet very skilled at multi-tasking and quite efficient when I want to be. I can organize like no one's business. I am ridiculously observative of human behavior yet gullible and completely unaware of the fullness of my surroundings a good grip of the time. I am innocently naive of some parts of life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by lack of experience. I try to remain judge-free and open to everything and everyone (yes I fail sometimes). Yet I am very knowledgeable and understanding. I'm multi-faceted. I'm describable yet indescribable, and that's the way I like it. I'm complexly simple. I have a very wild heart, but one that's open to everyone in my life. I'm way too trusting and because of it am always very vulnerable (add in very loving and it's sometimes disasterous).

Again though, is that all that I am?! Certainly not. There's so much to me, that I can't even think of all that I am.

My brain never shuts off!! Quite literally.

And what makes me uniquely me?! There are other people out there that fit all of the above. I'm not the only one. So what makes me unique?! I guess you'd just have to get to know me to decide what it is that makes me unique....

But I'm constantly evolving. A few years ago I was me but I was a different version of me. Every day, every new event, is an opportunity to learn and grow. And because of that I'm constantly evolving. I'm constantly learning new things about myself and being challenged, pushed, questioned, and made to think outside of my comfort zone.

I would never have imagined in high school that I would be the woman I am today. I'm not surprised as I'm too damn bull-headed to let anything get in my way or get me down too terribly long...but I would never have thought I'd have the tenacity or gumption to do and say some of the things I do now. I wouldn't have thought I'd have learned to be social and how to have so much courage. Part of it is always having been dependent upon myself to get me where I'm going but it's pushed me through "growing pains" I wasn't quite sure how to get out of...still don't know how to get out of some of those times. But I just keep going and learning and growing!!

My life's to-do list has changed, my bucket list has expanded, and my goals/dreams have been altered slightly. They always will continue to evolve. As I grow and learn and experience, those things will become part of me, memories, lessons learned, wisdom gained, failures I've gotten up from, and successes that I've flown on.

Right now?! I'm the girl who's anxiously and excitedly headed to nursing school in a few months with dreams as vast as the sky about the opportunities that lay afterwards. Yet I'm still the girl who dreams of traveling the country in a wooden Jeep Grand Wagoneer, camera in tow, and maybe a cute loving man by my side (or the companionship of a dog, who knows). I still dream of traveling the world and falling in love with foreign lands, yet coming home to the wonderful state of Colorado and marveling in her beauty. I'm still the girl who never discredits that life can change in an instant and God's plans are greater than mine. I'll always fight "growing up" and "getting old"....age is just a number and growing up is for people who take life more seriously than they should. I'll always be too responsible yet balanced by the wild carefree side of me that continually says "fuck it" and does that crazy thing that leaves you scratching you head thinking "whelp, that was interesting".

Realistically I have no idea what the future holds and I don't want to plan it. I've always had some goal in mind but never a plan...my plans never work out anyway. I just want to be happy, I want to be me, and I want to constantly experience and take joy in life.

That's what we're here for. Joy, happiness, experiencing the beauty of God, and to help others/leave this world a little bit better than we found it. At least that's what I think.

For now I'm going to enjoy the relationships that are in my life, the opportunities I get and I'm going to make each day as joyful as possible. If I make others smile, I've done my job well.

Simply striving to live a beautiful life, passionately. That's who I am. That's all I've got figured out for now. But that's more than I had figured out even a couple years ago....

Wild Hearts, Blue Jeans, & White T-shirts

"And I'll love you forever if I ever love at all, with wild hearts, blue jeans and white t-shirts..."
[The Gaslight Anthem]

I discovered the wonders of this band called The Gaslight Anthem this past week...a New Jersey punk rock band. Wow, amazing. I totally recommend them! I don't know how I've never discovered them before now but their music has just wrapped up my soul this past week.

I also listened to an EP I was given about a year ago by a friend. It's a group by a band called The Black Keys. I've loved listening to the sound of punk rock and classic rock lately. I think it's just sort of reminding me to be free, to be young, to be passionate, to be careless and responsible, to take joy, and to love that I'm the strong-emotion-feeling vibrant young woman that I am.

Yesterday I spent the day with two of my good friends, meeting up for coffee at one of my favorite haunts right now in Denver, Paris on the Platte. I've become an avid coffee-shop-goer. again..well always have been but now that I live in Denver 2/3's of the week I can actually partake in my love of LOCAL coffee shops. I refuse to support Starbucks if at all avoidable, especially because it's a nationwide money-guzzling cookie-cutter corporation and doesn't have the raw, genuine, come-as-you-are atmosphere of local coffee shops. Call me hipster or granola. I'd rather support those around me, those who are themselves, and the thriving atmosphere of a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop than a giant corporation who sucks us into some sort of definition of what it means to be a coffee drinker. I love seeing the people who come in and out of local coffee shops, the flaming and uninhibited personalities, as opposed to the stuffy image-driven people who haunt Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, and Dazbog. Not to mention, I love when the person behind the counter at Starry Night accidentally scorches my soy latte or the gentleman at Wild Boar recommends his favorite concoction of chai and doesn't charge me extra for the mixture of three different chais...and then proceeds to make a beautiful art picture in my foam! I just love the feel of something unique and genuine.

We met up, had some coffee (and I divulged in a delicious bagel and Noosa yogurt) for breakfast and then headed to go wander through Taste of Colorado. It was fun to frolick and admire some of the workmanship of vendors in Colorado and different things they make/create. Once done we headed to go walk the 16th Street Mall, in search of something to drink. We happened into Starbucks so they could get some iced teas (I simply got a cup of free water) and then sat down to people watch. One of my all-time favorite pastimes!! We somehow got onto the conversation of how we define each other. Sheree is the dramatic party rock girl. Britt is the typical girl-next-door, minus her sexual prowess. And me, well I don't know how to describe myself. I asked them what I was...and after a few seconds I was defined as the "happy, free and wild spirited, traveling, adventurous, laughing, care-free, slightly hippy girl".

I'll take it!!

I posted the above song lyric as my facebook status (because I refuse to actually post where I'm at, what I'm doing, or anything revolving drama, feelings, etc as a status...I just stick to uplifting quotes, random song lyrics, or occasional happy big-life updates), and Britt's response "I love this. It's so you :-)".

I think it is so me. I love people, I love life. I love love. I love wearing my comfy jeans, being laid-back. I don't ever want to strictly fit into a mold. I love being happy and making life more positive and fun for others. And I have a wild, adventurous heart. I don't wish to ever change that! Rather find someone who's just the same who wants to experience life alongside of me.

Hmmm....let's see what God has in store for life in the next few months...and where I'm at emotionally, mentally, physically, etc....

Until then, I'll get back to listening to wonderful music, drinking my chai, diving into the world of bioethics, reading NPR.org, and dreaming of the days that I can frolick this earth experiencing all the wonderful people and places in it :-)

Live A Beautiful Life

On a very random side note, I have had a tattoo on my left shoulder for over a year now. I love this tattoo, but I've never taken a picture of it. I've wondered exactly what it looks like on me (considering I'll never be able to actually see myself from the back...). And I've needed a reason to pick up my camera. So last week I did.

I busted out my camera, set up the shot, put on the self-timer and waited to see what the lens would capture.

Very ego-centric being in front of a camera in a way, but it was really cool to see what I "look" like...in a new way...sorta. And to see what my tattoo looks like on me.

So here is the picture that came from that shot.



Live a Beautiful Life....sometimes I forget what that means, other times I remember....I'm glad this is one of those moment's I remember what that means and why I got that tattoo :-)