Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Budding Forward

Well my body has decided to kind of get sick off and on this past couple of weeks and yesterday I started getting a ginormous coldsore. It's now taking up most of my lower lip, which means my body is really fighting some sort of sickness. So I couldn't go play with my little Ethie today :-( But instead I'm "resting" which I should know by now I'm horrible at. I just walk around this house finding little oddball jobs to do.

But here's a cute little picture of me and Ethie from when we went to the park a week ago.

So I guess it's about time for other matters of the heart.

Hindsight is always 20-20. Looking back I can totally admit how big of an idiot I was with my heart with Eric. I was played and used, and completely at my will. I knew that things would not last and still I continued to stick around and put myself out there for him and be there for him. Seriously, it was just a tad dumb. But I once again, learned a ton of lessons the hard way.

However, I couldn't be more thankful. God used that situation to teach me and prepare my heart for something more. I kept grappling the whole time with a whole host of things. I spent the better part of a year questioning my worth not only in relationships but in general. I grappled with certain parts of my self-confidance in the eyes of males and of males in a romantic way. Not to mention, the entire experience of dating Eric really made me face core issues and values that I not only want but NEED in a relationship. It was a whole dating scenario centered around turmoil and selfishness but one that really did prepare my heart for something bigger and better.

There has been someone who has pursued me for a long while, being patient and understanding through trying to pursue me but also respect my wishes that I was dating someone else and would remain faithful until I knew what was between Eric and I was done. In fact, I almost lost my opportunities with this person, as was displayed around mid-April on a very intense ride at 2am. His name is Britton.

Unknowingly, when I met Britton, God was opening a door. He placed this amazing person in my life, who I didn't even see coming nor was looking for. Obviously my mind was elsewhere and my heart was all over the damn place.

With Britton, things have been so....real....since we first started getting to know each other. Guiltily I added him on facebook and gave him my number after Eric and I broke up the first time hoping he would call me to hang out with all of them so I could still be around Eric and understand what was going on. I didn't expect anything more than someone who might call me to hang out and I would "casually" bump into Eric out of nowhere. HA! Girls intentions versus what God is preparing someone for.

Well late one night I was up, restless as was usual for me at that time, and Britton started chatting with me on facebook. He asked the usual "hey how are you?" questions, asking what I did. I told him I worked with special needs preschoolers which led to conversations about kids. Somehow we got into a very intense conversation in which we discussed Christianity, finding out we're both Christians and from there a conversation revolving about how we both don't believe in divorce and the priorities one should have including God, kids, relationship to a spouse, etc. All things given, I wasn't expecting it but felt so comfortable talking to him. And it was nice to go beyond the superficial level which was what Eric and I stayed at. But Britton knew about Eric and I.

We chatted on facebook a couple more times, meeting up once to hang out and watch Little Nemo. I'm not quite sure how but I kept quoting Little Nemo as we were watching it in class and next thing I know I'm over at his house trying to find a working dvd player to watch this ridiculous movie. It didn't happen so we stayed up all night just talking....talking and talking and talking....with some very light but very intense topics. Death, cancer, kids, divorce, God, the future, hopes, dreams, relationships, etc. It was natural and easy and real. It felt good to have a friend that I could finally talk to about all this, who agreed with me on some very personal core values, and who looked me in the eye. It was easy to laugh around him, his laugh being contagious, and when we talked I could see his passion and zest for what he was saying.

I'm passionate. We know how much I LOVE seeing other people be passionate, even if I don't agree.

He opened up about his past, about his daughter (yes he has a daughter who is turning 4 in a few short days), about his shortcomings, and his mindset.

And things just continued from there. We got really close really quick.

And I think both of us knew that something was there. We talked about it. But we talked about how until Eric and I were done and I knew what was going on and my feelings for someone else were gone, that Britton and I had to remain friends. Around January is where that all changed. We spent one night hanging out and a couple people referred to me as his girlfriend, just based on us laughing and being around each other. It was then that I told Britton I need some space. That none of this was right or fair to all parties involved.

So he did. Until Diana and Cam moved back to Colorado and he asked me to come to her benefit auction. And I did.

I spent it mostly sitting by myself in a corner taking it in, listening to Cam and Diana while Britton and his family sat on the other side of the auditorium. God had been working in my heart and He used that night as a time to put a hunger for more righteous paths in my heart. Little birdies in my mind started coming to the forefront of my mind and heart. I started craving a better relationship with God. I started craving a better relationship with my family. I started craving a better romantic relationship. And I started to remember why I feel so blessed and so loved and so lucky all the time. God put a million reminders in my life, a million cravings, and then Diana started talking about "Do Not Disturb" signs that she had placed on her heart, which made me face a ton of those in all facets of life, but also in terms of relationships.

Britton and I had a good talk a little bit after that. And somehow a few weeks later I got a call from him asking to come pick him up from downtown Denver for a sober ride. I did this a couple times. Then one night he called me and I drove down. He gave me a huge hug and then in the car on the way home he proceeded to ask me why I was still messing around with Eric (he knew the whole situation and about this time was tired of hearing my excuses and the same ol story over and over). Not expecting at 2am to be having a conversation like this, my defenses went up. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was being stupid. He looked at me and said something to the effect of "do you know how intense and passionate we would be together? do you realize how much i could love you? i'm not saying i'll be the healthiest relationship but i'll be healtheir for you than what you are putting yourself through right now". He told me he cared about me and then told me he was done. He was tired of waiting, tired of the bullshit. He told me that I needed to get my head on straight, that I needed to open my eyes. He told me that I was far better than that, that I deserved so much more, that I'm an amazing woman, that I was special and God had amazing plans for my life if I just stopped being afraid. Well at the end of that car ride home I threw the cigarette in his ear out the window (I've hassled him about quitting smoking since day 1) and he gave me a hug. He invited me to come in and talk and I pretty much just said hell no and drove away. The next day I wanted to talk. We opened up and I thanked him for being blunt and explained myself.

This whole time Eric and I were fizzling but I still wasn't over him. I was tired of being yanked around. But Eric pulled the chain without telling me. Which I'm glad he literally just stopped talking to me. Made it easier to deal with over that month and a half that he decided to make me a booty call once but never really contacted me. I have a tendency to get over things more quickly when I get mad and hot-headed which I did. And stubborn.

The day I found out for sure we weren't dating was the day I closed that part of my heart and decided to take a huge risk. I decided to talk to Britton. I told him I was finally done with Eric (of which he didn't believe because of the dozen or so times he'd heard it before) and asked him to go on a date.

And we've spent the last two months getting to know each other, taking risks, and honestly falling in love. Which wasn't hard to do. Quite easy actually. We've told each other we've loved each other for quite some time. He knows I think the most important words you can say to someone you care about are "I love you" and so we've said it since day one in a friendly way. And sometime end of May that friendly way turned serious. When we finally stopped holding back.

We still haven't had that date. We don't get to hang out much as he works ALL the time. But so far it's indescribable. We have the tough talks all the time...and trust me there are many. He needs to get a lot of his life straightened out. And we are very blunt and honest about it. We both know there are demons in our relationship closets and we are understanding of that towards each other. He knows I'm afraid of getting hurt and so all of this is scary to me. We both know how much of a commitment marriage is in our lives, neither one of us believing in divorce. We both believe relationships take lots of work and communication. However, how supportive we are of each other already has astounded me.

People say when you find that person you'll know. Well I denied it for a long time. But Britton is here for the long haul.

This isn't going to be easy. But it won't be hard. Britton and I have already started learning how to "dance" through life together. We've already learned that we can be so incredibly honest with each other, but do it with love.

This is a little crazy. My family loves him. That's never happened with anyone else. And Britton has a "dirtier" past than anyone else I've dated. But they love him. My dad of course having hesitancies as he's my father. And rightfully so with my crazy dating past. But even then I don't see him scrutinizing the way he has before. And Britton is crazy respectful of doing all this the right way and with my father's permission.

But something my mom said to me yesterday really struck me (and my mom hits the nail on the head EVERY single time about our friends or dating much so it's scary): "I've never seen you light up and sparkle the way you do with Britton. I watched you two the other day just talking in the kitchen. I gotta feeling....and if what I'm feeling is correct, I better start looking for something to wear to your wedding."

Ok I wouldn't take it that far Mom, but I think her feeling might be correct....

We'll let God be the judge of that....because Britton and I are putting God first in this relationship...and well God does what he wants!!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Grams C

My Grams has been in town for the past two weeks. She's only here for a little over three weeks. And I haven't had much time to sit down and talk with her as our schedules haven't meshed up.

However, last night when I came home from babysitting, I got the chance to sit on the end of her bed like I used to do and catch up with her.

And it was bliss!!

My Grams is one of my best friends and one of the people I look up to most. I only hope that I can have the faith that she has one day.

But more than that, she has always been a steady rock of unconditional love, guidance, and an ear to talk to.

She's always been prepared to listen to me, talk to me, give me advice and send me away with a hug, kiss, and a bible verse or prayer.

It was so good to have her back and talk to her like that again! I just wish she would finally move here from West Virginia. I want her around to be with her family and grandkids and now great grandkids. I want to have her back here when I get married and start a family. I want her around for all that. I want to have her back when I need her and I know all of us kids and grandkids feel that way!!

I cherish the nights and talks I have with my Grams :-)

Me and my Grams two years ago

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Blowing Kisses

My kiddos just always seem to make my's the little things that keep me going and really help me to know that even though I think I'm just a simply by-stander in most people's lives that I sometimes make impacts.

I work with Ethan's family on Mon/Wed's. It's physically strenuous work on me. Not because it necessarily HAS to be. But my mindset is that for the six hours each day that I'm with him, he is able to get that one-on-one time that allows him to do the things that I can do on my own that he can't.

My outlook on life is that I have a healthy body. And as long as it's healthy I will use in any way that I can to help others. It's why God gave it to me in a healthy manner.

So therefore when I'm with Ethie, it's a lot of physical work. My body becomes his body in all senses so I do the work of two people...using my body for stability and support so that he can use his body as much as possible in ways he can't always do.

But through it all, there are little things that make my exhaustion at the end of the day, and constant backpain worthwhile.

Ethie has horse-riding therapy once a week and I help Annie to get him ready for it. The other day before they left out the door to go I was playing with Ethie getting him ready, telling him to have fun and have a great weekend because I wouldn't see him until Monday. We were playing pirates and he acted as though he didn't care what I was saying.

But as soon as his mom picked him up to take him out to the car and I got my purse he said "bye", waved to me, and then blew me a kiss....without me asking him to. (It's the cutest thing ever...he makes a popping noise with his lips and puts his hand to his mouth.)

And his mom turns to me and says "I hope you know you are the only one who gets kisses without asking, and kisses as you leave without you asking him to. Always right on cue. They are only for you!"

That small thing, my friends, is what life is all about. That small thing is how God shows me that at that exact moment in time, everything is perfect, and I am exactly where I need to be. I am helping the world in the exact little way He wanted me to. And I am obeying His plans for my life.

Life is great, no matter what happens, when at the end of the day, I get those little blow kisses!

Hiking Mt. Evans

So my adventurous spirit got the best of me this weekend. In a good way!

A long-lost friend Lee, whom was on the swim teams with me in high school but I haven't seen since we graduated, came back into town this week. We recently had started catching up via facebook and we had both talked about keeping active and things we wanted to do. So when he said he was coming in town, I thought balls to the wall and asked him if he wanted to do a 14er. He said yes. I said hell yes. And I made a plan :-)

I picked Mt. Evans for my first 14er. This was his third 14er. And it was wonderful! He wasn't afraid to go at my pace. We filled each other in about the past five years of our life. We laughed, joked, reminisced, took photos (he graduated with a degree in photography, it's merely a hobby of mine), hike, climbed, laughed, talked some more, and were victorious!

We hiked from Summit Lake up the Mt. Evans Trail that goes up along the ridge of Mt. Spaulding and crosses over to Mt. Evans. We ate lunch at the top of Mt. Evans and stopped to do some yoga on the way back on top of Mt. Spaulding. It was such a great way to spend my saturday. Very refreshing.

I've had a ton of people already contemplate me on the pictures I took on our hike. However, the thanks needs really to go to God. He painted the picture, I just captured His breath-taking beauty! God literally reminded me of this. "Be still and know that I am God."

As Lee and I talked, I was reminded over and over by God while staring at these beautiful sights that God has some amazing wonderous plans for my life. If He can so easily make these majestic mountains and these views of which words cannot express their power and beauty, well He can do some amazing things through and to me. It was great to meditate on some of these thoughts throughout the day. I loved it.

I'm excited for my next 14er!! My mom wants to try one and Jenni, my future sister-in-law, wants to hike one with as I'm gonna choose an easy one for my mom to start with and we're going to make a girls day of it. And I asked my dad to go white water rafting with me...he said yes as long as I plan it!! So excited :-)

Here are some pictures from our adventure:

Lee and I on one of the ridges going up Mt. Spaulding

the view on one side of Mt. Spaulding as we were nearing the top

the view from the top of Mt. Spaulding in the morning

the view from the summit of Mt. Evans

another beautiful view from the top of Mt. Spaulding

what we climbed along all the way along Mt. Evans

standing at the summit of Mt. Evans

our view while we were doing yoga on Mt. Spaulding

warrior pose on top of Mt. Spaulding

the medallion at the top of Mt. Evans

*these photos are not in chronological order.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Sometimes I loathe being so busy all the time. You know the busy-ness where you never have time to sit down and enjoy yourself and fully breathe?! Everything is always at a hare's pace.

But sometimes I really do love it. It keeps me occupied and out of trouble and it helps me to keep focused on things that distract me from other things I shouldn't be focused on.

I will say that right now it's a really great excuse to not focus on relationships or worrying about what the future has in store as I don't have much time to contemplate it. I have been working with Ethan out the wazoo, working for my parents to help them out, and babysitting like it's going out of style.

But what better ways to spend my time?! I have nothing else that I really have to do. I'm single, only working part-time with Ethan and my parents at-will, and I have no class deadlines or the like. So basically, it's better than doing nothing. But sometimes I miss those nights where I can just take time for myself. I haven't worked out in over a week because I've been too exhausted. When I get home, it's all I can do to make it into bed at the end of the night sometimes without crashing out while I'm doing things like changing into non-sweaty clothes or brushing my teeth.

But I think it's all part of God's plan right now. It's amazing how the distractions come when we really need them. I prayed for God to give me the strength to get through some hard things right now and He really did answer my prayer. He knows that I can't just sit idle and work through these sort of things. He knew I needed distraction over quite a bit of time and well voila I have it!! It has been a blessing. I'm glad that He chose this time to unindate me with tons of busy work and always being on the go. It's helped me to stay focused on what I need to and not on what is "bad" for me at the moment.

And well, he chose to keep me busy with something that brings happiness to my face and a feeling of being so blessed to my life. I couldn't ask for more. I get to be with my little Ethie and with my kiddos.

I mean really....I walked through the door today and Ethie knew it was me and got so excited!! He can say "nnnn" now for my name. That's pretty darn exciting!! And we went to the pool today, which was tons of fun. Two hours into our three hours at the pool, my back was killing me and he had choked on water pretty bad once as I was pushing the limits of having him go underwater....and when I asked after a little break if he wanted to go back in with me or go with mom, he chose me!! It was a small little thing but it completely made my day :-)

It's the little things in life that mean the most!

Sunday, June 13, 2010


Yesterday was a "girlie" day for me. I went to a baby shower and a wedding.

I realize I'm at that age where those are just facts of life. People just married and have kids starting in their young twenties...and we are all turning 23/24 now.

However, I'm not to that point yet in my life. I find it a bit awkward going to these functions and having the "life" conversations. Like talking about married life and decorating houses for 45 minutes at a baby shower has almost no appeal to me....not because I don't want it someday but simply because I'm not there yet and I can't relate to any of that.

And then at weddings, having people who I have known through the years ask me what I'm up to and what I am doing with my life. Well those answers aren't as easy as they seem. There's the easy answers: "just working with special needs kids currently, trying to get into nursing school, living at home where it's free...can't beat that!" but really I do so much more with my life and have so many plans. I'm just waiting for God to direct me. And He will. But how do you explain that to others?!

It was strange. I felt so awkward at both of these events, as though I'm an outsider looking in. But for the first time in my life, I started to crave these things. They won't happen anytime soon....but for the first time I caught a real glimpse that these things will happen for me sometime in my future. But I am in no rush for these events. I'd rather continue to be the outsider looking in, than to jump into these life events before ready.

I wonder if there's some part of my biological clock missing. Most other girls really want these things and dream about them and plan for them. Me, well I'd rather just go with the flow. Last night was the first time that it actually hit me that one day I'll be a wife and a mother. But I still have no need to get into that. Makes me wonder if part of my girliness is missing....

Oh well!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I got to babysit Patrick and Duggan again tonight.

Patrick gave me the biggest hug and danced when I came in and was my shadow the ENTIRE night!!

When I put him to bed he threw his arms around my neck and his legs around my waist and gave me the BIGGEST hug!!

It was exactly what I needed this evening :-)

It's funny how kids always know exactly what it is that will make your day....even when you don't.

"Have you ever seen the wonder in the eyes of a child? Or felt the way the room lights up with that tiny little smile? Witnessed their amazement at the simplest of things? That's God!"
[Jo Dee Messina - That's God]

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Women & Books

There are just CERTAIN ways you know that you are a woman. Here is one trait that is inherently only a woman's:

I just got done reading a which I cried for the last 50 pages which was equivalent to an hour.

I'm pretty positive guys not only don't do this, but don't read books that make them cry. And I know that what was making me cry would not make a guy cry.

There really are things that are very unique about being one gender or another. Today I was initiated into the woman's "bawling-over-the-end-of-a-book" club.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Thank You Lord!!

For this beautiful morning.

For wonderful friends.

For the many little blessings you put in our lives each day.

For family.

For the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

For food in my tummy, a roof over my head, and two functional legs.

For the ability to laugh and smile and communicate.

For loving us.

For forgiving us despite our many many shortcomings.

For Your grace.

For the birds who chirp outside my window at 4am.

For health and happiness.

For Your Son.

For the fears, desires, passions, and longings in my heart.

For knowing me inside and out and loving me despite the ugliness that is there.

For never leaving me nor giving up on me.

For everything....and by this, I mean everything I feel but can't put into words.

Thank you for this beautiful morning Lord. I truly am so blessed and thankful for everything You've blessed me with.

In Jesus' name,

Thursday, June 03, 2010

God is so Good!

Diana Hummell, of whom I've shared about earlier, wrote this in her journal on caringbridge this evening and I wanted to share. It hit a very deep spot in my heart and I hope it does yours too.

God is so Good!

As the night falls on me and my bed is loudly beckoning my name...I just had to write and share with you a few things God has put on my heart. It's like those neon signs you see lighting up stores along the streets you drive and walk on. Even though they don't make a sound they scream at you!

Well, God's not screaming at me, or you. He just wants you to know how much He loves you. Yes, you, the one who got impatient with her kids today, the one that spoke words she/he shouldn't have to the one they love the most. The one that knew in heart she should've loved at lot deeper, been more positive, or picked up that dry cleaning even though it was out of her way. You. He loves you.
He's been calling you, beckoning you, woohing you to His side. Despite the wrong you did today, or yesterday, last week or 20 years ago. He Loves You. He couldn't love you any less, no matter what you've done in the past. And He couldn't love you any more no matter all the good you've done your whole life.
So, stop listening to the voice in your head that screams out, literally at times that you're not good enough. He made you perfect. He gave you your hair, your body shape, yes even your thighs, He made those too. And He planted in you the dreams you have in your heart today. He has equipped you with everything you need to accomplish His work in your life. But, some of you haven't taken Him up on His gift. You've looked across your life and think about all the why me's? You've questioned His existence and He's calling out to you. As you sit in your seat He's asking you to turn your life over to Him. I urge you to not let another moment go by without inviting Him to be in it.
I'm not perfect, quite far from it. But I've chosen to take Him up on His word, and look at the ways He has shown up! And it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. He loves you as much as He loves me. Oh and I hear some of're saying, "yeah, but I'm not you, I could never do what you're talking about, who could possibly go through the garbage and still see the bed of roses above the stinky trash? I've been through to much and I carry all the loads of the years of regret behind me."
I couldn't agree with you more. You're right. We choose the road we want to take and some want to walk and whallow in the path marked V.I.C.T.I.M. I may be a bit harsh and hope you understand it's all in love. You are where you want to be. Others of you are battling for your life and walking in the path marked V.I.C.T.O.R.Y., even though there are hurdles. We are all exactly where we want to be. Here's the most amazing can change the path your on at any given moment. And God is right there to be found when you call on Him. Life without Him is empty with no purpose, oh but life with Him? Well, it's the most exciting ride you could ever be on! He loves you and He wants to show you just how much by taking you through this life hand in hand.
Love you so much and forever remaining in His grip!

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


So for those of you that don't understand the power of a calendar, I'm about to explain it to you....

On the 31st (ish) of each month I get paid. I get paid once a month so this is in fact a VERY glorious day. YIPPEE!!!

On the 1st of the month I have to sit down and pay or establish online bill pay for all of my bills for the month before anything else. This is the most stressful day of the month for me. The second most stressful is the day I get my period and that's just because I then have to plan all my activities around good ol' Mother Nature and having feminine products available. With that being said, right now in my brain after paying all my bills, I only have $100 for the month. Let me repeat that, I have $100 for the month, including to spend on gas, until the next check that I make comes in....which will be when I work for my parents.

Ergo I just paid all my bills for the month. And I'm stressed once again. I'm making quite a bit of money this summer. Not as much as some people but enough that I decided to save up and buy a macbook pro. I budgeted enough that I feel I can afford this purchase. Of course at the expense of paying off my credit card as fast as I wanted to (I now have to split expenses between the two budgeted quantities). I just finished paying off the last of my "other" credit cards (ie express, gap, american eagle, etc) and now only have my Wells Fargo CC to focus on....wowzers...which has increased up to $1000 right now sitting on it. I know this isn't bad but it freaks me OUT!!

Of course I have a huge urge to go shopping but I'm really suppressing that urge. I did buy a cheap new top at Target today so hopefully that will quench my spending thirst for now! If not I still have a couple gift cards to various stores that I can go use...which I might have to. But I'm trying to make a very conscious effort to cut down my spending.

Now I just need to cut down driving all over the place as much as I do as my gas is costing me a small fortune.

For those of you out there that either mommy and daddy help pay your bills, a boyfriend helps support you, or you make more than $1000/month.....let's just say if I hear you bitching I might have to punch you in the face. This is the struggle I live with supporting myself off of a measly $700/month.

Oh yes that reminds me, I also want to try to work a few extra odd&end jobs in the next month so that I can afford to go on a mini-vacation at the end of July. Wonder if that will work out!! I hope so :-)