Monday, February 28, 2011


I found this little blip the other day, written by an amazing woman and I thought I would share...I am working on doing my own to remind me of what's most important. But this was so great to read I just had to share....


R. Realizing that life revolves around someone other then me.

E. Everyone in our lives wants to feel important

L. Love like you have no tomorrow

A. Accept, Approve and Appreciate everyone regardless of whether you feel like it or not.

T. Time, people spell love, T.I.M.E. invest yours in someone today.

I. It is better to give then to receive

O. Open up.Take down the walls and let someone else in.

N. No one has it all together, we could all use someone to lean on.

S. Sacrafice of yourself to help someone else.

H. Having something positive to say, no matter what!

I. Important: treat everyone as the most important person in your life.

P. Plant seeds of greatness in every relationship, water them and give them the time they need to grow.

S. Smile even when it hurts.

What would you be putting in for each of those letters?!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

You Are You

These past couple of weeks have been ones of renewance. I have found I can breathe in deeper breaths, I can more fully enjoy the sunshine on my face, my pep is coming back in my step, and there has been some revitilization of my soul. Life HAS gotten a lot easier, there is more sun shining through the clouds in my world, and the mark of the Lord's blessing is so vivid on my life.

Let's please give the glory and credit where they are due. THANK YOU ABBA FATHER! The one and ONLY reason I have gotten through all that I have, and that things have been so blessed is because of the Lord and HIs mercy and love and guidance. The power of Christ's peace and comfort have kept me calm and held me firm when I really didn't think I could last much longer under the burdens of my trials. He has whispered so reassuringly in my ear, if even just a whisper, "I am here beloved" over and over and over. He has so perfectly provided through all my trials that He knew were coming in my life, exactly what I needed it, when I needed it, even when I didn't even know I needed it.

He knew that I would get myself into these trials, He knew they were coming, and He provided all support and avenues needed for me to come out. And it's all because we have such an amazing God that we can rely on that it was even possible. It wasn't me. It was the Lord. It is our Almighty God that my life has gone from chaotic trials to the more calm in my life.

Getting into specifics: I can now understand why those who are going through separation and divorce sometimes say "I don't care how this all ends, I'm just ready to be done and ready to move forward." Though I didn't go through a divorce or huge separation, figuring out this whole truck situation with Britton was sorta like going through a divorce. I was legally tied to him long after we had broken up. And it was exhausting. By the time it was all taken care of, the relief of having all that weight on my shoulders was absolutely amazing. I didn't even realize how much burden I carried around all the time because of that whole situation and just how much it affected all of my life. After it was all said and done, I told my mom with a huge sigh of relief "I am just so glad to be done with all of that. I feel like I can take in a very deep breathe for the first time in months." Britton still owes me thousands of dollars, money he cleared out of my savings account and has never paid back. My dad was talking about going through all of the legal procedures to have his wages garnished (as Britton signed a personal loan on all the money he borrowed) and he was explaining it to me how it all works. And after some thought, I came to the decision to I don't want to pursue that. It's a huge learning mistake that I made but one that I learned from and that strengthened my relationship with the Lord. But more importantly, it just feels so wonderful to not have him involved in my life. That money, though very valuable to me, and money that I could very desperately afford to have back, is not worth the relief and calm I have in not being connected to him in anyway. So in my eyes, that whole situation is closed. I lost a lot in the end but I am also incredibly victorious. I have my life, I have my faith and my God, I have my health, and I am very blessed. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

There are so many things in my life that I have to be grateful for: my health, my family, my friends, a house over my head, food in my tummy, money in my bank account (no matter how much I may struggle), my faith, and a God that always provides. And I am loved. That is the biggest blessing of all. I am LOVED!! By my Lord, by my family and friends, and I am the receiver of their love, in whatever way it is given. How does that not make me one of the richest women on earth?! :-) Just to be a child of the Lord makes me the richest of the rich, to have the chance to know the glory of our Heavenly Father who so lovingly bestows His blessings on us.

My future is right on the tips of my fingers and I am looking towards the long goal and reveling in knowing all of my life is ultimately in the Lord's hands and not my own.

In the meantime, I take pleasure in focusing on my kiddos, on my job, on my friends and family, and diving into my relationship with Christ. I take so much delight in getting to know my God on all new levels and understanding His power and vast love even deeper. I also take delight in going through this part of my life with the people that the Lord has put in it. I have some fabulous friends and the most loyal of family who have helped to support me. I love having best friends who want to go to church with me and accept me as I am and who take the time to be there for me on my worst of days and provide words of encouragement, advice and wisdom. I love that I have an extensive support system of people who are understanding and loving.

On a more light-hearted note: With all the transitions and brighter side of things....well I just naturally wanted a little bit of a change. So guess what I changed (hint: it's something that has been known to change every couple of months for the past year or so)?! Yeap you guessed hair do!

So I will leave you with a little quote that my sister-in-law left on my wall, that although very well known, made my day and reminded me it's ok to be me and where I'm at and I should be proud of simply being me!

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." [Dr. Suess]

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Raining SillyString and Gummi Bears

If I were to say that the last couple years of my life have been chaotic and full of trials, that could be considered a truthful observation. At times I would even call it an understatement. On the flipside, they have also been a couple very incredible years in which I have grown tremendously.

Granted I have taken steps backwards....and sideways. I've tripped and fallen, gotten back up, only to stumble and find myself face-down in the mud thinking "how did I get here...again?!".

I have loved a lot, gotten wounded a lot, struggled, been victorious, made friends, lost friends, stepped away from people, drawn people closer than ever before. Crazy whirlwind type of stuff.

One of my best friends the other day told me this expression that her sister-in-law uses. Sometimes it rains and pours, but it rains sillystring and gummi bears. Even when it rains, the sun has to come out eventually!

This is what I like to call having faith, and letting the Lord lead us out of our fiery trials...but to the average person who may not believe what I believe, or may not believe in the power of Christ's love and mercy and power, we have the power to look at any situation in a positive manner.

Here I sit and the end of one whirlwind trial, wondering how I'm going to make one of my dreams come true.

After repo-ing the truck last week, I traded it and my car in for a brand-new car. The whole situation over all does not have the outcome that I would consider ideal. Ideally I'd still be driving my car that was paid off and not costing me any money. But given everything, I have a brand-new car that will be paid off in six years (by the way, I plan on this being the first car for any of the future kids that I may have), completely within my control, and following all angles of the law, not riding on the false promises and intentions of anyone else. My brand new car is a 2011 Jeep Patriot. Overall a really great, fuel-efficient vehicle. I'm going to have to adjust to not having power locks and windows but she drives well, is quite safe, and is completely covered by warranty. The Lord really came through in a very quick manner when I just put the whole situation in His hands. Literally, I spent one evening on my bed praying for the Jesus to take this whole mess and for it all just to fall within His will. And a day later, I walked out of the horrid situation I was tied to in the truck with Britton.

It's not without some downfalls. Now more than ever I'm worried about paying my bills. Now my bills every month equivalate to $1000 (car payment, car insurance, cell phone, student loans, credit card, monthly transfer into savings). My savings account is still very small, after Britton clearing my savings account and not paying it back.

The other day, after I picked him up to take him to the dealership to sign over his rights to the truck, he demanded I pay him back $20 that was in his truck that "had been there" when I repo'd the truck. He refused to sign the papers until I paid him back that $20. This coming from the man who owes me $2430, plus $50 that I paid for a parking ticket he got and didn't pay, plus the upside-down I am in trading in the truck. Really?!

And I'm worried about how I will pay my bills if I get into nursing school. I don't have a back-up savings and I'm worried about getting enough funding to pay for school and my personal life. And even if I do get enough funding, that will put my personal debt into a huge amount that I'm not quite sure I'm comfortable with!!

However even with all of that worry and anxiety, I know all will work in whatever way will glorify the Lord!!

On the flip side, I finished applying to nursing school at Regis University and I have a pretty good shot of getting in I believe!! I really hope that I do get in :-) We will see what happens!!

Right now I am focusing on my heart, on my future, and trying to strive hard to get where I want to go and who I want to be.

It has been raining and pouring in my life....but in the end when I finally stop hiding my eyes from the rain, I peek through my fingers to find that I'm drenched in sillystring and gummi bears....and isn't that just a wonderful thing?! :-)

Friday, February 11, 2011

Sunshine Peeking Through The Clouds

Well it has been an interesting couple of days.

Wednesday I repossessed my truck back from Britton, who though he was making the monthly payments (only because I was riding his ass all the time), still has not paid me back for the money he owes me (almost $2500), didn't put insurance on the truck and refused to get the breathalyzer in there. So I took power back into my hands and repo'd my own truck back.

It pissed him off. We had some words later that day in which the ugly side of him most definitely came out. Very deceitful like always, very vindictive and hurtful, very much Satan streaming through him. A lot of anger and very much just ugliness pouring through his every word, his every action, just pumping through his veins.

This morning I still gave him a chance to refinance the truck and the prick still was talking to me like shit, talking about me in front of my face on the phone, and being the kind of vicious person that I have seen he can be.

I was able to refinance the truck in my name only, thankfully, and will soon get rid of all of my vehicles and invest in a vehicle that I would actually like (gonna start doing some research on vehicles here in a couple minutes).

Basically what I realize is on one hand, my human nature is mad and wants to get revenge on someone who can so use so many other people in his life. I have a lot of regrets with him....the whole situation is regretful other than the impact it had on my relationship with the Lord. I wish I could take it all back and not do it.

But then again I am very grateful to the Lord for all that He has done in my life and done in my heart. I am grateful for all that He has done to bless me and while I learned these lessons the hard way, I am thankful that the Lord is forcing me into submission and (though painfully) molding me. I just hope I can continue to keep an open heart and keep learning and dwelling on the Lord.

So tonight I am humbly thanking Heavenly Father for answering prayers and asking him to keep a joy in my heart for my life, even when there's not always things in it that make me happy!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011


If these last two weeks haven't been eventful...oh vai!!

So lots of good, some not-so-good....and well a little of everything in-between!!

The overall theme: repossession.

Reposition of my life, of my heart, of my mind, of who I am.

I said goodbye to my little Ethan. One of the hardest things I've had to do yet in this life. I'm sure I will face loss more as I go along but ultimately, it comes down to Ethan is irreplacable in my heart. He left a lasting impression that will forever have its' mark on my life and his spirit, love, and dispotion will not be jaded by the lack of his physical presence. I miss him greatly, I miss his love and his smile and our friendship. There will never be one just like it and I am glad that Ethan will forever be in my heart as one of the first little ones to impact it in so many ways. He helped me to reclaim my heart, he put band-aids on areas I didn't even know how scars, and he brightened up my life. That will never change.

Since then I threw myself in my Regis nursing application and submitted it. The only thing left is turning in the letters of recommendation on Monday and then it's another waiting game for the next 6-8 weeks to hear about the big decision!! I decided I need to repossess my passions and my dreams....stop holding back (like I've gotten in a bad habit of doing) and to once again start shooting for the stars. I'd rather fail than regret never trying!!

I met up with an old friend from a year-and-a-half ago....getting to know each other. Exposing my heart and my scars. It's been a little refreshing see how I have changed in that time and taking the time to get to know someone new. I'm learning how to take possession for my actions, and guarding my actions and taking into account my intentions.

The Lord has placed it upon my heart to repossess my heart and I couldn't be happier. I am going to let Heavenly Father romance me from here on out and spend time working on the wounds within. Dating is completely on a back burner, as I know it's not healthy for me nor wanted.

My friendships are so important. I'm coming back around from holing up after Ethan's passing to getting back out there with friends. It was so refreshing to spend one whole saturday going from having my breakfast alone to chatting with a friend for two hours to chatting with my besties for three hours to chatting with the above friend for several hours. It felt so good to have that little warmth in my heart.

I did something a little crazy last night. I went to the Ozzy Osbourne show!! I mean I couldn't pass that up :-) I haven't been to a musical show in so long and then I go to a metal show...perfect way to break up the monotony and do something last minute and spontaneous!!

And today, I took repossession of my life in another area. I took back my truck. It isn't getting the truck back that matters. I don't want the truck, in fact I want my name off of the truck. What it was, more than anything, was taking repossession of the power Britton falsely put on me. He took such advantage of me, of my kindness, compassion, and giving ways....of my so many areas of my heart....and I was able to reclaim them by taking back their power. He can no longer hold me in the bondage of the lies and tales he spins, of the abuse of power he seems to revel in. I stood up for myself, on so many levels tonight, and for that I'm proud. I didn't let someone bully me and beat me down....though he tried. Fearlessly he tried to beat me down and tell me awful things after I took the truck...but that's Satan putting those false lies in the mouth of someone who has had power. And I know the truth. It feels good to once again stand up for myself and not let someone walk all over me.

Now it's back to the grind working and working, as the Lord is going to be seeing me through some crazy trials these next few months. But that's ok. I'm along for the ride Lord, as long as you're holding my hand through it all!!

"I know you're there, I know you see me..." [Casting Crowns lyric]