Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bold = Pertaining To Me

I don’t watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games. (depending on what they are)
I’ve tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I’m TOTALLY smart.
I’ve broken someone’s bones.
I’m paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I LOVE sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn’t survive without Caller ID.
I like the way I look. (most the time)
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I like to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don’t hate anyone.
I’m a pretty good dancer.
I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I’ve rejected someone before.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
I’m not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.
I own the “South Park” movie.
I would die for my best friend.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment.
I’m obsessed with guys.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I’m proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I want to go to college out of state.
I like quorn sausages.
I love kisses. :)
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can’t whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I’m an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Eric and I went to watch Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen at the IMAX last night. Badass movie. GO SEE IT!!! Go IMAX if you can :)

Transformers 2 trailer

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Eggs Sunny Side Up

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of that concept. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing remarkable, nothing to take second notice of. Megan Fox in Transformers, now there's something to marvel over. Yet everytime I see Eric he always compliments me. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I just don't always see what he says. With my hair done and my foundation/mascara on, yes I am pretty. But even when I'm not wearing that, when he's seen me with messy hair and morning breath, he thinks I look good.

I'm sure he feels the same way though about himself. I'm sure he just thinks of himself as average, but I absolutely adore him physically. Everytime I see his smile, I find myself gawking at him in my thoughts. He's remarkably handsome.

Tonight, I treated him on a date. I paid to go watch Transformers 2 at the IMAX. I think it's absolutely great to treat the guy in the relationship and since I'm running out of money I thought I would do it now rather than later as I'm still pending on jobs. Before the movie we were talking and I found myself looking in his eyes. The best way to describe what I saw was a warmth towards me. I wouldn't call it love but rather a form of adoration. And it was the most calm my heart has felt thus far this week. We are crazy about each other and I love that. I love seeing that subtle excitement in his eyes and I hope it shines back in mine :)

Please call me a of my favorite movies is March of the Penguins. The Discovery channels are among my favorites as is animal planet. When we got National Geographic you can bet dollars to doughnuts I watched that all the time. When this movie came out I specifically remember getting uber excited, and it still thrills me to watch it. It's the ultimate love story for survival but more than that it's really fascinating to watch. Not to mention one of my favorite scenes involves the newly born penguins and them waving their little arms. I'm watching it right now and it's fascinating to watch their habits, their movements, their devotion and to hear what they go through to produce and raise a baby.

Penguins remind me of Britt. She's crazy over penguins. Her room was plastered with them :)

Some of the best things in life are the most simple and most precious:
A hug and kiss from a beloved person
A newborn baby and watching them grow
Observing animals and nature around you
The absolutely wonderful feeling of holding hands with the one you love
A soft caress
Someone rubbing your head
The power of a smile

Keeping on the sunny side of life :) Tonight is such a beautiful calm night outside....wish I had someone to lay with me outside and watch the stars.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Case of the Ex

I feel very very vulnerable right now.

I told Eric I loved him this weekend. I don't regret saying it, it's what I feel. I'm not afraid to love others. But I've never been so vulnerable in this way towards someone before. My heart has never been so exposed towards someone.....neither has it ever been so exposed without someone else's heart being exposed along with mine.

I got a glimpse yesterday of just how much Kelly hurt Eric. Eric thinks that Kelly cheated on him, which may or may not have happened. But I could tell when he was talking that he really had been completely in love with her and had given her his heart. And I could also tell that she had broken it pretty brutally.

He told me such, but his eyes really gave way just what he meant, and how bad he had been hurt.

He even said that his heart is closed off. He didn't freak him out by me telling him I loved him and was falling in love with him, but I think it may have put him even more on guard.

What really makes me vulnerable is that looking in his eyes, I know that part of his heart won't be open to me for quite awhile, which makes my heart a sitting duck in many senses of the word.

It makes me very mad that someone hurt him so bad. I've been there before, and my heart didn't open up for quite a bit. But unlike him, I'm also not afraid to love others and put my heart out on the line time and time again. I think that love is the most important thing in this world and unfortunately I love my family and friends with a fiery passion. I have a lot of love to give and I love loving others. I've loved the guys I've dated, though never been in love with them, which always gets me into trouble. And now for the first time I'm falling in love with someone....which is getting my heart in deeper than it's ever been before.

I'm afraid his heart is so scarred that it may not open up to me for a very long time.

It also infuriates me that someone who hurt him so bad was someone that I never thought would have.

I know understand why he looked so shocked and at the same time a little fearful when I found out who his ex was and my response was "Oh Kelly! I love her!". Kelly and I swam together and is a pretty decent friend, though we haven't talked in years. From what I know of her, I never would have thought that she would have been the one to hurt him so bad. I also never would have imagined she had hurt him that bad when she messaged me saying that she was glad Eric and I were together. It really kind of bugs me now.

All I know is that looking in Eric's eyes, he is very much capable of someday opening up his heart to me. I can also tell that he is VERY hesitant to though. I know he's terrified. He even mentioned how this is the first time in a year he's even really put himself out there. Looking in his eyes though told me it's going to be I'm going to need to be patient. I think it might actually be a great while before that happens. I want to take his hand and assure him it's ok, but in all actuality I can't do that. I can't assure anyone that he will be ok or that he won't somehow get hurt again, that's the chance you take with love. The only way you can assure you won't get hurt again is to not love. In my case, that's not do-able. I'm a lover through and through. The only thing I am capable of telling him is that when/if he finally does decide to open his heart and fall in love with me, he will never be loved in the way I know I'm capable of loving him. And that I'm also pretty damn good at loving the shit out of someone :)

Stinks on my part, but that's the price I pay for letting myself start falling in love with him.....oh you silly little girl. I will never regret it though. Even if it gets me into trouble, he's worth falling in love with for the first time in my life. God will always take care of me though....He always has my heart in His hands and treats it with most precious of care....and blesses me everytime I get myself into one heartache or another by taking out His needle and thread and sewing it back up again for me :) He's done it before from heartaches with family and friends to guys....and I know that if needs be He will do it again.

I just wish Eric knew that too and that God would sew his back up just a little bit faster :D All in time.

See, another instance where patience is a virtue....and just needs to be practiced on my part.

What's in God's plan for my life will happen and happen when it's meant to....I just once again need to learn to love, to have faith and to enjoy the beautiful ride.

To my heart, please don't be anxious. God's in control. He will take care of you no matter what. Just have faith, be the wonderful soul you are, and don't be afraid to take this life by storm. Keep yourself a little guarded, just for safety's sake. But don't be anxious. You have nothing to worry about :) Always, Your Brain

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves. ~John Bulwer

She Wears A Red Sox Cap To Hide Her Baby Dreads...

I love's definitely the season that touches my soul the most.

Days spent by the pool, the sun kissing my face, the breeze playing with my hair, the birds singing their songs to us all and God smiling down. Sometimes there's nothing more beautiful than a Colorado sunset over the majestic Rockie mountaintops.

Yesterday I got to spend a relaxing afternoon and evening with Eric at the pool downtown. It felt marvelous, it was calming and took some of my stresses away.

This morning while I was driving to AIMS for orientation and to register for my phlebotomy class, I found myself very very stressed out, very concerned about money and where my future is headed. I was very upset that I feel like all those that can relate to me are miles away. I was once again very distressed by the fact that I feel as though my relationship with my parents is becoming nonexistant. I was grappling with the fact that who I really am deep down inside is not at all who my parents want me to be and we'll never be able to get along until they can understand who I am and love me for me, no matter how much they disagree with me.

So I rolled down my windows and felt the fresh beautiful air go by and started praying to God.

Dear Lord, thank you for this absolutely beautiful day, for the blessing of being able to live another day, to revel in your creation family and friends. Thank you Lord for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me, today and the rest of my life. Lord, I pray that you would calm my heart. Help me to not be anxious, for you have an amazing plan for my life. I know I'm not good at waiting but please grant me the patience to watch Your plan unfold. Philippians 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I lift my prayers up to you Lord, that you will calm my heart, mind and soul Lord to know that Your plan for my life is being revealed. Please provide me with the direction I should be taking and the open ears to hear what that direction should be. I continue to pray for peace for my parents Lord, that you will grant them a peace of heart. Philippians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I pray that you will continue to look after the health and well-being of my family Lord, that you will hold them up everyday and make your love and presence known. Lord, I pray that you will continue to work in all of our hearts to have blind faith, to have a peace of heart and mind, and the strength to take on each and every new day. You never give us more than we can handle Lord. Please help to keep that in each of our hearts. For beyond every obstacle, every teaching, is a blessing a thousand times better than we can ever imagine. Lord, I pray that if it's in Your will, that my relationship with my parents can be restored one day. That we can come to an understanding of who we are as people and love each other for who we are. I love my parents Lord, You know this, you see the deepest parts of my heart every day. But I fear losing a relationship all together because we can't simply talk. I've acknowledged who they are, and loved them for who they are, though I may not like them always. Please help them to do the same Lord. I don't know how to solve this problem but please keep working in all of our hearts so that one day things can be like they were before, though I fear they may not ever be. Father, please keep my parents under your wings. I fear that they are losing their blind faith in You, that You have a glorious plan for them, one that might not involve what they think it needs to. I pray that you will keep me going along my path, keeping you close in my heart. Please help me to find console in You lord, that above all else I am good enough for YOU even if not good enough for those close to me on earth. Please bless this day, for all my family. In your Son's name, Amen.

I then went into my orientation upon which I sort of started freaking out more about money problems, as this class will obviously cost me money, though it's highly worth it.

But then on the way back, I popped in one of my favorite cd's....Kenny Chesney's "Be As You Are". Something about it speaks to my's very soulful, so honest, it has that relaxed island music theme to it. It talks about being yourself, whoever that is, and loving that moment you are alive.

More than anything this last year, I learned from my friends that living for tomorrow is good, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. Right now is our only chance we get at life. I learned that my relationship with God is first and foremost and is THE most important relationship in my life. I have learned to love with all of my heart, to not be afraid to be who I am with everyone, to dance with every cell in my body, to laugh with everything I've got, and to enjoy the beauty of this earth. I believe in protecting our planet, in the power that a song can have on someone's life, and the majesty of believing in God and how having blind faith can bring the most awesome peace to my heart and blessings into my life. I truly believe that God adores who I am, as He made me, that I'm beautiful in my own sense and I've learned to be comfortable with who I am and what my body looks like. It took nine months and some very amazing hippie and genuine friends and nights spent praying to God to realize this but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I love who I am, though I know it disappoints some around me, most namingly my parents. It's hard. I've always wanted their approval but have felt I've always fallen just short. I know they don't like who I am right now, they think my priorities are messed up.

But they don't live in my heart, they don't know what I feel and think. They also haven't taken the time to get to know who I am and realize that yes I'm very different from them but it's ok, it's really ok. I'm not a bad person. I'm just different and I live my life a different way. Maybe a little more reckless and carefree but I'm happiest that way. I'm happy taking in all the small blessings of every matter how small they are....rather than always worrying about the future. I'm happy singing at the top of my lungs and recycling. I'm happy when I'm around those who ask how my day was everytime I walk in the door and greet me with at least a hello. I'm happiest when though I don't agree with everyone all the time, I'm talking to someone who can listen and be content with being different and disagreeing with me.

"I'm french kissing life square in the mouth...sailing out onto sea....."

She wears a Red Sox cap
To hide her baby dreads
The girl she was in New England
Is different now and dead
In all the local bars
She flirts and tells the boys while they're talkin'
She's from Boston
She comes from Boston
Talks to her family now and then
Through e-mails and postcards
She tries to explain to them
That education and occupation will have to wait for now
She loves the Rasta, reggae rhythms, her dreams have changed somehow
[She's From Boston]

From that chair I've caught a few fish and some rays
And I've watched boats sail in and out of cinnamon bay
I let go of a lover that took a piece of my heart
I prayed many times for forgiveness and a brand new start
I've read a lot of books,
Wrote a few songs
Looked at my life where it's goin,where it's gone
I've seen the world through a bus windeshield, but nothing compares
To the way that I see it, to the way that I see it,
to the way that I see it when I sit in
that old blue chair
[Old Blue Chair]

I feel like a fish jerked out of the sea
Or a bird in a cage that's never seen a key
Sick of this grind and I think that I ought
To bring this grind to a grinding halt
Now I've had it up to here
Let's go down there
To guitars, tiki bars and a whole lotta love
Mangoes and Marley, you know, fit me like a glove
Sixth gear with nowhere to steer
When enough is enough
It's guitars, tiki bars and a whole lotta love
[Guitars & Tiki Bars]

There's something sexy about the rain
She said as it came pouring down
It feels like kisses on my skin
She spread her arms and spun around
In a summer island storm
In a field of sugarcane
She taught me how and showed me why
There's something sexy about the rain
[Something Sexy About The Rain]

Tall green tree, yellow bird
Bikini bottom and a tie-dyed shirt
And my, my, my - my key lime pie

Big white sail, red sunset
Lobster tail and don't forget
My, my, my - my key lime pie

A six string, ten shots
Of Cruzan rum, hey, I like it a lot
With my, my, my - my key lime pie

Tortola, a full moon
Shining down on a blue lagoon
And my, my, my - my key lime pie
[Key Lime Pie]

I wish my parents could really just see how much I relate to this cd....they probably would just call me a granola like it's a bad thing. I sorta like being a granola :) But I love living my life for the moment, keeping the future in mind but not worrying about it. I take responsibility but love to live my life in my own state of bliss. What's so wrong with that?! I'm sure I can tell you all their arguments but I don't like to think that way.

I'm french kissing life square in the mouth :)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

A First For Everything

Last night was another fun night among others.

It was the first time I've gotten drunk enough to be sick.

I know that drinking makes me have to pee. I know that when I hit that point of my teeth and nose feeling numb/tingly that it's time to stop. But I don't think I ever slowed down long enough to notice that point.....until it was a little too late.

Jenna, Daniel, Dakota, Eric and I hit up the Giggling Grizzly first. The town was a little bit slow when we started around 9:30 but once the Rockies won things got busy fast. We had a couple drinks there then decided to go to LoDo's....which I absolutely love the two times I've been there because I get to dance and it's a very open atmosphere which makes it that much better :) Eric actually allowed me to buy a couple shots and then I bought him a beer and me a drink!! Two drinks....I was allowed to pay for two drinks!! Hells yeah!!

But between the shots we did there and the drinks at Giggling Grizzly, I found myself feeling pretty good around 1am. We left and went home, of which I was feeling completely fine until we hit the elevator going up. We got to his door and all I could think was "I really need air and I need to cool down".

I've really learned a few things about my body. The first is that when anything goes wrong at all, my body can't regulate it's own temperature and I get very very hot. Which also turns into a really horrendous nauseousness. And the only way I can make my body feel ok is by cooling it down....and I've learned this can be achieved by laying my head (and if I can do it my stomach) on a cold surface or simply opening the freezer and laying my head and hands in there to cool down. And the more cold I can make myself the better I feel.

So last night when I hit the balcony I immediately laid down on the really cold concrete. It felt utterly fantastic with how incredibly fast and how horribly hot my body had just gotten. Bless his heart Eric automatically got a trash can just in case (didn't use it....I also learned my body really doesn't throw up unless it absolutely needs to....which it didn't last night) and a pillow and a blanket and he cuddled up right next to me. He was freezing his ass off but he kept making sure I was ok. The only reason he left my side was when I told him to because I really felt like I was about to hurl and didn't want to make THAT much of a fool of myself in front of him.

I ended up falling asleep out there until around 4am when I literally couldn't handle being that cold so came inside where he had set up a little sleeping bag for me and I laid right next to the balcony door where the cold air could still hit my face and keep the fresh air coming.

This morning even he kept making sure I was ok....lounging with me all morning while I fought with severe nausea. I really felt like a fool. I wasn't expecting to ever be that drunk last night or have that reaction to what I had drinken. I'm not used to others taking care of me, so that was different, but also very nice. It was very very sweet of him, especially how enthusiastic he was doing it.

There was also another first on my end last night. When we were out and about I was dancing of course and Eric seems to enjoy dancing with me which I absolutely love. We also have a tendency to kiss a lot as we enjoy kissing each other and alcohol intensifies my desire to kiss, especially with him. At one point while we were dancing he made the comment that he felt bad for the other guys because it was obvious we are crazy about each other. I don't think he had any idea just exactly how true that rings for me. While we were laying out on the cold balcony and I was cuddled up next to him, and it was really cute how excited and devoted he was to making sure I was ok. And though my head was spinning I just couldn't help but be very overwhelmed with the affections I have towards's in those little moments that how much I love him comes to the surface and takes me by surprise. Well last night I couldn't hold back any longer.

I told him that I didn't expect any response from him and didn't want him to say it until he meant it but I told him that I loved him. I do love him.

It scares the shit out of me. More so now than ever before because it makes me very very vulnerable, which I can handle but I've never been this vulnerable before. I've never let myself be this vulnerable towards someone else in this manner.

He didn't say anything in return. Which I was expecting. I don't expect him to have the same reciprocal feelings for I started falling in love with him very fast. And I DON'T want him to say he loves me when he really doesn't. But I just had to tell him last night while I was lying there.

The good part is he didn't go running in the other direction screaming. But I think I might have scared him just a little bit saying that. I could be wrong but I think I may have freaked him out just a tidbit.

If I did, I hope he knows that I wasn't saying it because I want to marry him tomorrow or am going to be some crazy clingy girlfriend now (man girls are psycho in that way I've found) but I was saying it because I mean it and I just wanted him to know. I'm not going to say it again as I'm not going to freak him out but last night I just had to make it known.

I just hope it doesn't make anything awkward.

Though we seem to be very good at getting through awkward things as I've found out this last weekend.

There's a first for everything. Last night:
First sickly drunken night
First time someone has had to take care of me when sick
First time telling Eric I loved him

I wonder what other firsts will happen in the near future. Never know. I guess I'll find out when those firsts happen :)

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Mushi Mushi

Mushi Mushi....hello hello

Where to start, where to begin.....

How about the middle....

I found a church home that I am really excited about!! Harvest Fellowship. It's the first time in several years that I have found a church that feels comfortable yet challenging to me. It challenges my a good sense. It challenges me to continue leaning on God, to continue my relationship with him...but in the comfortable homey way I need it to. So far the church family has been amazing to me and to my family that comes :) I don't ever claim to be a perfect person, nor a great strong Christian woman. I have my faults to a huge extreme and in some senses of the word am liberal. But I love my God, and I love that I have found a place to worship my God with other Christians and listen to a sermon that teaches and guides me in a very loving and welcoming manner.

Job apps are coming along. I think I will be pretty set for a job starting in August. I am applying for my substitute teaching license to sub for the Brighton School District or Denver School District. I also have two interviews this next week for the school for a substitute para position and one for a nutrition assistant manager position. I also have orientation for my phlebotomy class that I'm trying to get into so hopefully I will have that to add to my health field resume and I just got my Basic Life Support certificate which I need for all of my CNA job applications in Denver. Hopefully I get some sort of employment here soon!!! I do work a few hours here and there for my parents right now at Reflections to try and earn some money. Right now I would like any job.
Although I am going to University Hospital on Monday to talk to Human Resources. There is this job as a specialty clerk in the NICU that I think would be well I need to update my resume with that BLS certificate and I would love to talk to a recruiter in person. All this online stuff makes it hard sometimes.

I had a little bit of a wild night last night!! Eric and I went out with a couple of my FoCo friends.....the word limo was given to us so we were down. Kim and I were the only girls. Eric and I met up with Kim, David and Dan at a microbrewery, then headed to meet the rest of the party at the limo.....that's when I found out that Kim and I were the only female members of what turned out to be a bachelor party. Eric was a great sport not knowing anyone though and given that I unknowingly invited him to a bachelor party. BUT we got a really sweet hummer limo ride and some good memories to go with it.

There's a lot that I could go on about what I love about my relationship with Eric but a few things that constantly scream out at me that make this an amazing relationship is our honesty, our candidness, and our trust. Eric pretty much knows a lot more about me than I think he was prepared to hear. He's heard some of my dirty closet, a couple of my fears, my dreams and aspirations, and some painful feelings that are in my heart. But he's rolled with all of it thus far and has been almost as open as I am. Granted, he's not as apt to spill his guts like I am but he's been completely honest about everything thus far. And I respect him for it and love that he is. And given some of the crazy things we've already done and seen together, there's a ton of trust there. For which I can't thank him enough. It feels so good to have that trust and to know it goes both ways. I can trust him whether he's with me or not and vice versa, no matter what's going on. :) It's a great feeling!!

I really like that at the end of whatever crazy night or conversation we've just had....he's there with a smile, a hug, a kiss and some sort of compassionate words, all things that I know looking in his beautiful brown eyes are coming from his heart.

I just have a keeper :) And I'm not afraid to admit it!!

I sound so mushy right now. Oh well....he's worth it :)

Tonight we're having another fun night out and about the town of Denver with friends....double header this weekend ;) Oh what stories will ensue from tonight....

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Red Roses

Alright, I'm a goofball, I know it BUT....

Today while we were at the airport, Tan and I sat on the top level watching passengers who have arrived come up the escalators and greet their families. Marc went through security with my Grams to the gate and Tan and I just hung out. Grams plan ended up being delayed so we literally had almost two hours to kill.

I happened to spot a young gentlemen in a red striped shirt holding a dozen red roses. My first thought was "AWW isn't that sweet?" and the other thought was "poor guy just spent $30 on something I'd kill in less than a day".....however I only verbated the first thought out loud to my cousin. We decided to watch and see him greet his girlfriend and see how she reacted. The poor guy literally stood there for a half hour. And during that time, Tan and I were being goofy and Tanner joked about clapping when she came up. My adventurous ass said we were doing it.....AND we did!!!

She came in, was wearing a very cute yellow and grey stripped sweater by the way....and when he spotted her and hugged her we clapped pretty loudly up top at the scene below us. Her face went bright red, though I'm not sure if it was because they truly heard up clapping or because she was excited/embarrassed to see her guy.

Anywho, it was very sweet. So we made it a little adventure to people watch and see all the couples meeting up :) And then we just decided to find the most bizarre fashion trends.

We saw an 80's bomber jacket on a kid with a fro, we saw a lady in the brightest tightest red skirt I've seen on a lady her size, we saw Hawaiian shirts and lots of lime green (yeah!) and the winner of the night was......drumroll......PARACHUTE pants!!! Yes, parachute pants, worn by a tiny white female none-the-less :) It was great.

I think we also were starting to get targeted by security though as we had been loitering for almost two hours and at the end walked two laps around the airport up top where you look down upon security. Had a few people watching us.....and then when we waited for Marci to come back through A-Security. Definitely had a lady in a green vest downright eyeing us.

Can I just say though that if a guy was ever to surprise me with flowers at the airport, I would hope it wouldn't be red roses. I realize they are one of the symbols of love and whatnot but I just wouldn't want them.

1) My mom decorated everything in roses when I was younger. To me roses belong outside on a bright rose bush, not in my house.
2) They are easily killed and I have a black thumb a good percentage of the time.
3) They are too dark. I don't like dark flowers. I like bright cheery ones :)
4) They aren't aren't original. Bring me a couple gerbs or a callalilly, something not everyone else gets. And those flowers last a long time. Get more bang for your buck!!

Ok my tangents need to be cut short right here. Otherwise I might go on all night about this. My mind is moving a million miles an hour tonight and I just will spew it all out if I don't stop.

Goodbye for Now

Just had to say goodbye to my grams at the airport


Sad sad day.

You can tell she didn't want to go back. She never does. All my grandpa's fuddy duddy family lives back in West Virginnie but Grams heart is where her kids, grandkids and now greatgrandchild are....which is in Colorado. She even told me if she had all the $$$ in the world, she'd be here in Colorado.

But she keeps making excuses to go back and take care of my old carmuddgen grandfather who only comes out for the obligatory graduations anymore.

I wish my grandmother could just let herself see how much we really do want her here and she's not a bother. I miss having my grams for three-four months during the summer in which I get to flop on her bed every night and talk about my day and what's on my mind and all my problems and then hear her advice, words of comfort or disagreement, and then a bible verse to get me through the day or night. I miss that.

She's my twin soul who I can tell anything. It sucks having that part of me a million miles away where I can't just have easy access to it. Darn you grandpa and your stubborn ways.

I know she'd be happier here.

I guess I'll just have to wait until the next major holiday when she flies back out this way and I get to enjoy her pleasant company again for a brief duration.

Goodbye for now you and miss you tons already

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Oh, Joys

I am not looking to have kids anytime soon. Heaven knows I'm not ready to be a mother anytime in the near future (that translates into the next several years). I could be a great mom if needs be but it's not on my to-do list anytime soon.

But I rather enjoy spending time with my nephew. I enjoy watching him grow and learn. I don't enjoy his temper tantrums that he has occasionally but I rather enjoy all of his great moods!!

He's such a thrill to watch :) I love his big grins and how he's basically everyone's little parrot. I have so much fun with him. He's so funny and is learning/exploring new things everyday. He is a big goof ball and has so much energy. I heart it.

The joys of life....I love little kids...especially those related to me :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Destination: Beautiful

Eric and I at Kev's grad party

Falling in love with Eric has to be one of the best feelings ever!!

I just got back from hanging out with him at his place and it's amazing how much somebody can lift your spirits sometimes :)

I really love that I can be my goofy self around him and he seems to find most of it cute or amusing. I like that he's caught onto the fact that I live in flip-flops, that pattern & color coordination sometimes means absolutely nothing to me, and that I dance a lot when I hear music.

I like that I can talk to him about whatever it is I need to and I can approach tough situations with him and I'm met with welcoming eyes and open ears and a hug afterwards.

He really impressed me a way that I don't think he even understands.

Tyler is a good friend from high school, albeit he is a very sexually connotated person. He has made it very clear he's attracted to me....yet he's respected the boundaries I have placed in light of dating Eric and falling in love with him and not wanting anything to even come close to messing with that.

Tyler invited me to go watch The Hangover yesterday (funny movie fyi) just as friends...he was bored since it was his day off and I was bored too so we planned to meet. I texted Eric all excited as we both want to see the movie and he asked who I was going with and so of course I'm honest. As was he. He said it wasn't his first choice of someone going out with his girlfriend alone. I immediately wanted to make sure he was comfortable with it....if Eric isn't comfortable I'm not going to go. Not only was Tyler texting me that if Eric wasn't comfortable with it then it was fine, he understood, didn't want to step on Eric's toes or make him mad, and we could hang out some other time (which impressed me coming from the angle of a guy friend); but after letting Eric know all that, Eric texted me back telling me to go ahead, that he didn't want me to just be sitting around all the time and that he trusted me :)

I've been in very jealous which the guys couldn't even handle me having guy friends....let alone hanging out with them alone to go watch a movie as friends. The fact that Eric was ok to let me do that....though I know he wasn't very wild about it....impressed me to smithereens.

But more so than that....Eric was able to do that and honestly say he trusted me. And he put his $$$ where his mouth is so to speak. That means SOOOOOO much to me. Mike and Scott said that a lot....but they really didn't trust me. If I so much as talked to another guy sometimes, huge arguments ensued. Eric said it, meant it, and really does trust me. He allowed me to go hang out with a friend and have a good time, no matter that Tyler is a guy.

One of the most important aspects of any relationship is trust....and Eric really showed me that he really does trust me. That really meant the world to me. Really, it absolutely truly did.

However, I have made it a mental note that I need to be very careful to not tarnish that trust. Not that I would do anything to jeopardize it in any way shape or form, but I also need to be sensitive to Eric's trust and not take advantage. I even told Eric that he really does need to let me know if something really does make him uncomfortable and he's not ok with it as I don't want to tarnish his trust. I want him to feel open enough to say "Hey, I'm not ok with that actually". He CAN and HAS the right to say that to me if I step over any line he's not cool with.

FYI....side note: I have no respect for cheaters. I would NEVER cheat on anyone in a million years, I know how painful it is. I found out Eric's brother was cheated on and I instantly lost any respect I could have ever had for his now ex. It infuriates me though....why do people cheat?!?! I mean really....if you like someone else enough to cheat, why don't you just leave the one you're cheating on?! You can't have your cake and eat it's rude, it's painful and it's just not right. That's someone's heart you are messing with in a completely not-good way. Not cool.

I really do love Eric. Wow, it feels good to say that :) I still haven't told him I loved him. I'm waiting until he does....I don't want to scare him or rush him. So for once I can wait until he feels the same way :) It doesn't make it any harder to keep it in though. I caught myself today....I almost said it at one point, even though it would have been in a playful manner, still didn't want to scare him.

I'm very much excited to see what keeps developing between us :) It's a very beautiful journey thus far and I'm sure the ride only gets better!!

The Truth

Last week Cord asked me this question "Are you happy?" He told me not to answer but rather think about it.

I've been thinking about it. I'm a naturally happy bubbly person by nature. I just enjoy life too much.

But I'm not as happy as I was a month ago. My living situation being a huge root of it. I'm not happy with where I'm at, it's not what nurtures my soul. I've had fun with my family, all of them, but I don't have the social interaction at my house I'm used to nor the emotional support that I was used to having.

I'm not used to living how my parents do. I'm not used to coming home and not having friends within ten minutes reach or coming home and having to have all the lights off at a certain time.

I realized when I came home to my house at 9:30pm last night to my dad sitting in complete darkness just how much that simple action depresses me. I like having the lights on and things lit. I like noise and interaction and socialness. It really brought me down last night to walk into that atmosphere.

I'm happy in every other way in my life though I will admit I'm starting to freak out about not having a job and not making money. There's so much I want to do but with not having $$$ it's hard....I also don't want to ask my parents for $$$ so I'm holding off on that until it's absolutely absolutely no longer an option. I'm also wondering about getting into nursing's intense. But on the whole I am still a very happy person.

I think I'm struggling to once again figure out where my niche is.

I find that when I come home I don't smile, dance, laugh and joke like I used to. Mainly because that's not how my family is anymore. So I find ways to get out of my house. But I find that I want to do all those things when I come home with my family. They just don't want to and call me things like crazy, granola, or say things like "why are you so happy?" though I need a reason. Can't I just be happy?! Is that not even a possibility anymore?!

I know I need to be an adult. I just want the social and emotional uplift that I had a month ago. I can tell my heart is missing it. I want to find my niche again.

I think that might be finding some place other than this to live when it's within my means.

I love my parents. But we are just two different people who live two different ways and living together just may not be in our best interest. I'm young and ready to grab life by the hands whereas my parents are in their own little road of life. They are just two different roads and at this point that road in their life is not the road for me nor the road that makes my heart happy and healthy.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Don't Be Too Critical

I think it's funny that because of the age difference, among various other reasons I'll glaze over, the drastic difference in how my parents treat my brother Reece as opposed to when us older three were growing up.

I can kind of see how they aren't as hard on him as he is the only one his age and us three had each other, as well as his feelings are more sensitive. But I find it amusing how much they try to protect him when with us three it was all fair game. I can also see how much he gets away with as opposed to us older three when we are the same age.

I will give a few examples.

First, one of my moms steadfast rules has always been "no balls in the house". This may not seem like something huge but us older three especially knew that no balls in the house really meant no balls in the house. We didn't throw them in the house and if we dared do it, usually a very quick and stern talking to/yelling at was given. Especially if we didn't listen. Reece has not learned how serious this rule was. There reached a point where we just didn't bring balls in the house and if we did we didn't dare let them leave our hand for we knew the reparations. Reece still tests my parents limits and throws balls in the house. All that's told is "Reece leave that out in the garage" or simply "stop it" without all the vehemence in my parents voices as was directed towards us. Like I said something simple but something worlds apart.

Second, how us kids have ever talked to each other is no longer suitable for how we interact with Reece. Yes we are older but we make fun of Reece the same way we make fun of each other. The only difference is he probably does get it worse, not because he's younger, but in my opinion because he's more annoying and gets away with more than we did so it's our way of "playing fair". If Reece doesn't want me to pick on him, he needs to learn to play with the big boys. On the same respects, he also needs to learn that if he's going to be disrespectful to me all the time, he better learn to receive the same treatment us older three all treated and still do treat each other.
Kevan, Marshall, and I used to get in all out brawls and arguments when we were together, especially when mom and dad weren't present. Dents were made in walls, arms and legs were bruised from balled fists, and harsh reparations (including groundings, spankings, and chores) were dealt via mom and dad when they learned of such actions. Or if things were too bad we'd simply call our parents and find out the reparations and dad actually used to deal out reparations. Now I find that not the case.
A couple weeks ago, I came home to find my brother on my dad's laptop, which my dad had stated several times not to play games on his computer in the last couple days to Reece but the day before had told him to all-around not touch his computer. I came home and Reece was on the computer. I reminded him he wasn't supposed to be on there and told him to shut it down, much like I would my other brothers and always have done. He claimed he was checking his email so I gave him five minutes to finish and then shut it off. Five minutes later I told him again to shut it off and went up behind him to find him shutting down a game and bringing up his email. I told him to get off it. He threw the computer on the couch, threw the remote, called me a bitch and punched me in the arm.
Had that been Kevan or Marshall, an all-out brawl would have taken occurrence. Even when we were younger I was known for shoving my brothers down on the ground and punching them when they talked to me like that. All I could simply do was remind him again not to call me a bitch (of which is becoming a normal occurrence out of his mouth) and followed him down the stairs screaming at him that if it happened again he'd find out what it's really like to be my sibling and call me a time it will result in his head meeting either the ground or the closest wall and punches WILL be thrown. He doesn't know what it really means to grow up as the Carr siblings. We take it easy on him. With each other, we never did. If cuss words were thrown so were punches and other objects. If you were mean to one, the other two ganged up and attacked. It's how it was. You learned to fend for yourself.
Reece made it to probably cry to mom and dad first and nothing was said about how wrong he was to call me a bitch....rather I was told to stop picking on him and learn to be respectful.

Third, an occasion happened when we had gummy worms here two weeks ago. I had one handful out of the whole bag before I went to get ready and leave on my first official date with Eric. The next day the bag was almost completely empty somehow and while my mom was cooking, Reece grabbed a ton and headed into the living room, leaving probably about seven total left in the bag of which I decided to take the last of. While I was about halfway through, he decided to come in and just grab them out of my hand. I told him to get out of my food, he had just had three times the amount I did and he needed to not grab my food out of my hand. Next thing I know I'm being yelled at about he's sensitive and probably eats because of that and blah blah blah. I didn't even care he was eating gummy worms. I cared that he was being a shithead and taking gummy worms out of my hand. If it's Kevan or Marshall I simply have always told them to get the hell out of my food and if harsh words are thrown it's no problem.

Last, last night I found Reece on the computer looking at youtube videos of "girls big tits" and told him it was inappropriate and let him know (very nicely and calmly mind you) that I would tell mom and dad. Shit, all my brothers and I tattle on each other, especially with that stuff. Not so much anymore because we all respect that we are three sexually experienced adults and it's no one's business but in the day, we told if someone was found looking at nakes pictures or magazines or whatever. Most of this I will admit was me tattling on them. They had no ammo towards me in that department until I went to college and then my bigass mouth accidentally let it slip that I was sexually active on my own without their help. But they got me back in other ways by trying to embarrass me in front of ex's and whatnot.
I told dad and he laughed and told me not to embarrass Reece which I didn't intend to do. Just told him he might want to have a talk with Reece and start monitoring his phone, the family computer (in which is the only one I can use as I don't have my own), and the like.
Marshall overheard this and because he can't say anything to my parents without them telling him he's just picking on Reece, he asked me to bring it up to my parents. So today I told my dad about it and told him he might want to start monitoring that because next thing it's going to be porn and whatnot. I realize all guys go through this stage but it shouldn't make it ok for him to just easily go buckwild with it when my parents were SO strict and SO monitoring of us older three. My dad made some sort of comment that was descending towards me, though I have had a very nice and calm sense of approaching all this, and when I asked what he had said he said "Nothing.....remember, don't be too critical".
That's bullcrap. Just because I'm saying this about Reece doesn't mean I'm being too critical of my brother. Hell I tattled hardcore on my older three. Granted we also kept certain things from my parents as a unit but we also tattled, especially when we knew that we couldn't hide it. I don't see anything wrong with letting my dad and mom know that they might need to start monitoring Reece with all that's going on, just as I had no problems cornering Marshall under the bleachers and yelling at him around the same age and then telling my parents he had been looking at porn. It's the same thing. It's a sibling right of passage to be tattled on.

If my parents really want us to treat Reece like he's one of us siblings, then they need to really let us. It needs to include including him in things....which will happen when we can relate to him more. Marshall and Kevan can start doing this to some extent now, as they are all guys, but I can't relate to Reece at all so I don't do it. The kid simply gets on my nerves. But my parents also can't use that isolation as an excuse to baby him....just as Reece is separated by age, so I was separated from a great deal of things from my brothers because of gender. It's just how it is. But my parents also need to let us treat him like we do each other....we laugh and joke but we've learned respect for each other. Reece won't learn that respect that we have learned for each other if he's not allowed to go through the beatings, the brawls, the yelling fights, the being made fun of, the getting each other in trouble ways that we all had. That's how us three really grew close is because we were able to love each other but we were able to go at it when we needed. We can't do that if we can't treat Reece the same. We can't even look at him in a harsh way without being told we are picking at him but when we do it to each other it's nothing. Hell, Kevan Marshall and I still cuss at each other, yell at each other and argue at the top of our lungs. There's not as many punches thrown anymore as I'm severely limited in that capability anymore....they are two very built, muscular young men....but when enraged enough I can hold my own.

I hate being told to not be too critical when I'm actually looking out for my brother and have done it in a very non-embarrassing and sisterly way. I'm not treating him any different than Marshall and Kevan....I'm treating him like I always treated them and along with that comes the realization that he very much has a protective older sister who looks out for his best interests even when it includes me being "mean".

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Love My Grams

This afternoon I got to spend a really great afternoon with both of my grandmothers chatting the afternoon away after I got back from my fun night.

I'm not too close nor can relate well to my mini-grams (my mom's mom) as Grandma Adell has been coined. But one of my best friends is my Grams (my dad's mom) who has been the person that I can tell absolutely everything to without fear of judgment or reproach....she always gives her opinion but never loves me anymore or anyless and always gives her subjective advice. I also think she's my twin soul trapped in another body.

Anywho, I got to have a great conversation with her this afternoon in regards to my fun night last night, relationships, dancing, clothes, family and God. She is such a strong and beautiful woman....and it was refreshing to have such a candid conversation with her, especially given my energy level today. It was fun to have her get up and dance with me, and laugh with me, and get excited with me, and emotional with me. I absolutely loved it.

She also went to the saturday night church service with me this evening and I loved it. Getting to praise our God with her and sing with her and hug her like I do a lot in the middle of church.

I'm gonna miss her when she leaves back to West Virginia :( I wish I could just have her here the whole summer. I love her to death. And I look up to her in more ways than anyone can ever imagine :)

"A grandmother is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher, and a little bit best friend."

Crazy Fun - updated w/ pics

Last night was a crazy fun night for me :)

Eric invited me to come to a concert with him and Daniel. Genius' didn't buy tickets so we didn't end up going which sorta was a bummer. It was 311 and Ziggy Marley at Red Rocks. Red Rocks is a beautiful outdoors amphitheater and well it would have been great music.

However, when I got there the first thing I was greeted with was a drunk Eric (who ironically enough didn't want me to see him drunk) and Daniel leaving for a liquor and cigarette run. I also got to officially meet Britt, something other than his hand waving through Eric's room's door one fine morning at 3am when he drunkenly came pounding to party and grab beers. It was a very fitting start to a great night.

We decided after the liquor run after six conversations of the same discussion thanks to Eric (lol) that we were gonna go downtown. Downtown was preceded by paper airplane making and flying off their seventh floor balcony, a great discussion with Daniel about my past hatred for his pompousness and marijuana, and watching Eric go through the beginning motions of drunkenness stupor :)

We hit a couple bars....had a few drinks, got to love up and make fun of Eric and have some great convos, a couple high fives and bums.....and played pool. Then went to LoDo in which we ran into old high school friends and danced it up while taking a few shots....not to mention my much necessitated bathroom runs as my bladder is the size of a mustard seed when alcohol is involved.

It was a great night :) Too much fun happening to post here and accuarately portray but a great night getting to be myself and be comfortable and relaxed and have fun without the worries of my parents on my shoulders as they are out of town. Got to spend another night cuddling and kissing up on Eric :) Always a huge plus in my book!! God I love him. I think at one point I may have even told him that but in his drunkenness I'm not sure he was amidst kicking Daniel and his girly friend's ass at pool, all the while reminding him every time he went to shoot which balls we were :) There's not too much detail he remembers.

Anywho, great night, great morning, now I'm relaxing at home....always fun nights :)

Me, Jenna and Nick at LoDo's

Daniel, Jenna, and Eric at LoDo's

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Yesterday was a really good day for me on most ends.

I got to spend the previous evening cuddling with Eric. Funny story....I drove down to Denver to surprise him and spend some time with him (he had forewarning that I was probably doing that anyway). I got there and parked, was able to get into his building without texting him to come open it (it requires reader cards to get in but I think somebody just didn't shut the door all the way, got all the way up to his seventh floor apartment and knocked......and absolutely nothing. I knocked several times, called him several times, nothing. I knew he was most probably home as his car was parked in the parking garage deal and the lights to the living room I saw were on when I was driving up....I thought he was probably riding his bike or something as it was too dark for me to see if his bike was on the balcony or not.

So I was pretty bummed but since it was a beautiful night and I needed to spend some alone time, I decided to continue up Speer Boulevard and see what was farther up the street. It was pretty nice, I was able to find Wash Park which is where we went one time to throw the frisbee....and from there it all went downhill. I got lost and probably circled the same ten streets trying to figure out how to get back to Speer probably a good three or four times. And I think I ended up just making a huge U around that part of Denver. Right as I got unlost and was getting ready to head home he texted saying he had passed out crazy hard and was sorry and he wished he could have seen me. Well I was right in the immediate vicinity so I went over and got to cuddle with him :) So it worked out great on my part....other than driving around lost for over an hour and making a fool of myself...oh well, I make a fool of myself quite frequently so whatev.

I got very little sleep that night as kissing him is addicting as hell, I started getting a cold and couldn't breath, my sculiosis flared up again and I'm having hella hardcore backpain and I was restless....I mean how often do you get to cuddle with someone you adore?! HA! But I woke up in a great mood. I came home, got a soothing shower.

Then yesterday morning after I showered I went to Fort Collins. I absolutely miss it there. Fort Collins was home but Fort Collins was more of who I am than Brighton. Hell Denver is more of who I am than Brighton but Fort Collins was my place. It's so laid-back and friendly...I miss the familiarity, the convenience, the people. It's just SO different from Brighton in too many senses. So it was wonderful to go back.

I went to chat it up with Alyssa who ended up giving me a whole basket full of clothes :) I love that girl. She just constantly reminds me that it's ok to be who I am, no matter how far out of someone else's idea of me I really am. Just who she is reminds me to just be who I am and people will either like me or not like me but I'm being genuine....LOVE her :)

Then I gotta pick up my bike!! Ryan tuned and worked on the whole thing. I need to bust her out of my car and go for a ride but she looked a MILLION times better. And Ryan is so relaxed it was good to talk to him for a few. Aw how I miss the biking community of Fort Collins.....Brighton doesn't have a biking community or is cultured to biking what-so-ever. It's already been a huge adjustment. No such thing as a bike lane anywhere in Brighton. SO lanes are EVERYWHERE in FoCo.

Then one of my roomies from Colorado Springs was up in FoCo yesterday and we got to sit and chat and have lunch and catch up. It was absolutely chicken soup for my soul yesterday to see Rene. We even talked about how we love how we can just pick up our friendship no matter how long it's been, we can talk and be comfortable and supportive to each other, but we don't force our just happens. It's natural and content. I love that.

I love her. We are both stubborn and sort of butted heads living together but I think it's one of a few things that keeps us bonded. She's so independent and driven and keeps her fire for God close to her heart. I can never be the strength of Christian she is but I admire her for it. I admire the choices she makes for her life and her faith. I admire her drive. I get jealous of her at times but it makes my heart happy that she is so happy and successful and making her dreams come true. It makes me happy to know that somehow, though I'm not sure even what all I've done, she keeps a little place for me in her heart and welcomes me with a huge hug and smile every time I see her. A-list friends are few and far in between.

It always warms my heart to catch up with old friends :) I could live my whole life just talking to people and traveling and taking photos along the way and I'd be a very happy person!!

I did get sick last night and a few things I learned hurt my heart greatly but it was an absolutely great day. I'm alive, my God is always there for me, I have my health, I have a promising future ahead of me (yes I realize full of great hurdles and obstacles but a God who will take my hand and guide me through it all), I have loved those around me whole-heartedly and am loved by those around me, and I got to enjoy the beauty of another day.

God truly blesses every day, even if only the smallest of ways....and for that I'm thankful.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Job Application, Please?!

I've spent the last two days applying to probably a good 30-40 jobs....and I have applied to a plethora of them. Hospitals, hotels, city of brighton and arvada, brighton school district, city of denver....including CNA work, lawn/landscaping, recreation, spas, paraprofessional, etc.

I applied to AIMS so that in the fall I can get my phlebotomy license. I hope to take a class this saturday to get my basic life support license/certificate through the American Heart Association as it's required for most anything in the hospital and I let my first aid/cpr/aed licensures expire w/o renewing them.

I am about job applicated out.....finding a job is a full-time job I'll tell ya. I don't know what people are griping about saying they can't get jobs. There are jobs ALL over the place....I can't possibly apply to everything I'm qualified for (which my qualifications are limited yet varied) as there is SO much. There are SO many professional, seasonal/temp, as well as skilled jobs available. It's just a matter of weather you are willing to work them or not. For instance there is a job as a bicycle putter-together type person that pays $13.40/hr. There was a cheese manager position at Sunflower (my favorite place to shop for groceries!)....and on and on and on.

Trust me people, there ARE jobs out's just a matter of what you're willing to do and are you willing to not make as much as you would like...but at this point in time $$ is $$ to me.

There is one job in particular that I'm really excited about that I applied to's a job as a clerk in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. I realize it's not medical, just clerical, but I would be in the EXACT unit I want to be in....not to mention it's at University Hospital which is the hospital in conjunction with CU -Denver....God would definitely be blessing me if by some dumb luck I got that job!!

But I got an email today from the City of Denver saying that I was eligible for one of their positions I applied to and might get an interview for it. It's the Recreation/Golf Facility Assistant....whatever that means. It just sounded like fun :)

Oh gosh, job hunting, what an adventure!!

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Goodbyes Are Hard

Why oh why am I such a girl?!

Not having a home has affected my emotions more than I thought it would. I take comfort in being around family and friends, I love spending time with everyone, but it's hard when at the end of the day you don't have a place that's really your own, your home.

I think it's made me more emotional than I normally am.

Last night I was thinking about Krista May. I haven't cried over her death for the last two years or so. Krista's death confirmed that there IS a God, there IS heaven and hell, and that God loves us and takes care of us, even if it's not in the way we would choose.

But due to family dynamics and my emotional state, I found myself crying myself to sleep around 1am, missing one of my best friends.

I started thinking back over all of my memories of Krista and I together. Krista was the mother of one of the kids on my dad's youth football teams (a friend of Marshall's). Krista was exactly 20 years older than me. I was 17 that year that we became close, she was 37. Not exactly what I was expecting. Krista was always in her red lipstick, I was always in my t-shirt and jeans.

I'm not anything extraordinary, I've never fathomed that I do enough to really be proud of. But even at that time in my life Krista absolutely loved me and adored me for who I was. She took me as I was, challenged me in my faith in God, bolstered me up, and through it all somehow was proud of me and told me such. I still don't think I'm someone to really ultimately be too proud of, I haven't done anything that someone else couldn't do.

I miss Krista. I miss her red lips greeting me whenever she saw me always with a huge smile, engulfing me in a huge hug, and calling me sweetie or hunny.

I was in church today and we were talking about peace, having peace in God. Since I have accepted Christ I have had that peace. I know it. More so in this last year than ever before. But I was also thinking back to the last time I ever saw Krista. It was after she was home from her first surgery to remove the brain tumor. She had greeted me with her usual red lipstick and huge hug, even though her movements were markedly slowed by the shock her brain had just taken. We talked for hours about boys, school, and other various topics with her mom Cindy. After awhile, Cindy had to leave and I volunteered to stay with Krista until Jim got home. Krista and I went onto the back porch as Jackie played with her friend. Krista looked at me and asked me "So what do you think of all this?"

At first I was confused and said so, my response being "what do I think about what?" She then smiled and said "Are you angry with God?" I remember this sort of took me back and I had to ponder the question. I told her I wasn't angry with God, that thought had never crossed my mind. I just told her that I felt selfish as honestly I didn't know what would happen to Krista but I wanted her to stay on earth with her family, friends, and me. Krista told me that was perfectly fine but she didn't want me to be angry with God. She told me that everything happens for a reason, God has a perfect plan, to which I told her I knew. That's why I wasn't scared. Even if it took her away, I knew God was taking care of her and doing what fit into His perfect plan. But her next remark shocked me. She told me she was thankful for what was happening to her....that she had never been more thankful for those around her, that before she had never appreciated such simple sounds and sights as the smell of a backyard barbecue, and never before had God so rocked her world yet held her so tight. She said that God was trying to teach her...."Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 She had a peace, no matter what happened. Since then I have had a peace with God that He would take care of me, no matter what happened, even if it wasn't what I wanted and if it wasn't what I thought was a good thing. I've had a peace with God's plan for my life ever since then, even during the most tumultuous times in my life.

I really miss Krista though. Never before has someone so helped to solidify my faith. I miss Krista May's faith, I want to talk to her more about God. I want to see her smile, her big red lips again. One day I will see her again.

Since then I have found love is the greatest thing on earth. I have never been afraid to love since then. It has gotten me into trouble, it has hurt me, but I thoroughly believe in love. And because of that some important people have come into my life.

Another person I have come to love I had to say goodbye to again. Tiana will forever be my sister. It's one of Kevan's friends who over this last month really became part of my family in mine and Kevan's minds and became a sister. She moved back across the country today. Goodbyes are becoming more and more painful, more tears are involved, but at the same time I find myself loving that (in a weird twisted sense). Because every person that it becomes hard to say goodbye to is someone I've loved in one way or another and is someone who leaves a mark on my heart. And more than anything, it's during those times I know that my life is being lived, that my heart is open to those around me. It's during those times I know that I have loved.

On another level of love, I have found I'm a little more guarded. And that's the love I give to guys. I've never been in love before.....I've loved guys, I've tried to give them my all, but I was never in love with them. I'm falling in love with Eric....and I really do love it. It is a brand new feeling that I'm not used to feeling....but because it's new it's scary. It has shocked me how fast I started falling in love with Eric, it has also surprised me how easy he was able to start breaking through those little walls around my heart in relation to romantic love. It's a good thing but it's new handling it all. There is still parts of my heart a little guarded, not because I don't want to let him in all the way, but because in all honesty I'm afraid of ruining anything. I've never had a healthy relationship like this before.

I'm finding it new to navigate our relationship. I find myself a little distant at times because I'm figuring out exactly how to navigate through what's going on, as far as what do I do. It's refreshing to me.....Eric is not clingy, which means that I don't need to constantly be texting him what I'm doing, he doesn't need to know everything that's going on in my life, he makes plans without asking me and vice versa, he doesn't need me to be showing affection to him all the time to feel secure with himself, he doesn't always feel the need to grab my hand while walking anywhere,etc. I like that. But I have NEVER been in a relationship where the guy isn't clingy and territorial and jealous. I find myself having to figure out how to be in a relationship that's not like that. I have no fear of mentioning hanging out with other guys. That in itself is new and different. However, that puts me in new territory in other ways.....for instance, I'm used to the obligation of always holding my ex's hands, always kissing them goodbye. I'm used to hearing ten times before I leave how they don't want me to go, where they kiss me and hold onto me, and only upon me pulling myself away am able to leave anywhere I go. With Eric it's simply a hug, usually a kiss, and a see you later or text you's new, it's good, but it's taking some getting used to. But because of how it works, I find myself wondering, am I allowing myself to be too distant with him?! I only know the expectations of a gf on a clingy level.....and I don't want to be clingy myself. I find myself WANTING to give him a kiss goodbye but don't always. I DO NOT ever want to be the clingy one like my ex's were. So I find myself trying to navigate, what's the best mix?!

Am I thinking too indepth about this?! I think I am....but seriously, it's of huge concerns to me that I don't want to be clingy like my ex's but I don't want to be too distant. Oh gosh, really I think I might be overthinking just a bit. I guess that's what unhealthy past relationships do to you though.....

The three most important words I think you can ever say to anyone is that you love them. I never miss an opportunity to tell someone I love them, because you never know when it's the last time and I don't want anyone to doubt that I love them. There's one exception to this: Eric. I have found myself wanting to tell him that several times. I really do love Eric already. But I don't want to scare the wits out of him. I don't want him to think that now I'm being really serious about us, as in "let's get married and have kids" sort of thing. I can see myself having a future with him (which is also a first out of someone I've dated) but I am in no rush to marry and have children. My biological clock is not ticking in that day but I know I'm nowhere near ready and I do want to take things slow. I have my whole life, I don't need to rush those things. I also don't want him to think that he has an obligation to say the same thing to me when he doesn't feel it, and I don't want him to be afraid of hurting me if things don't work out. I know a lot of guys legitimately have that fear and I can completely understand.

I let myself love people no matter what, which yes gets me hurt, but I can deal with it. I would rather not hold back and allow myself to love someone and get hurt, than to not love someone and wish that I had just given it a shot. My life is all about following my heart. I will do so. And if I get hurt, well guess what, I have my Lord to pick me back up and carry me through no matter what happens.

So I have decided this: I love Eric. I really do already (crazy I know!). But I will hold back telling him so until he is ready to tell me loves me, in which case had better be only when he really does feel that way. I can wait this one time, it's hard, but I will not ruin a relationship by scaring the crap out of a guy because he thinks I'm going to be all crazy like most girls are when they say "I love you" to someone. Ok maybe that's over-stereotyping women but I can admit most women are pretty fucking nuts when it comes to matters of the heart!! I've watched my brothers go through tons of psycho, crazy girls and their clingy, stalker, dramatic ways....they even scare the hell out of me!!

Yes, goodbyes are hard, but at least I'm not afraid to love others, I'm not afraid to let others into my heart and love them back. It might be painful at times, but I can get through any pain knowing that I have loved and that God will get me through. At least I will die knowing that I have given all the love I can possibly give and have loved whole-heartedly. I think that's all God really asks of us....and I love no one more whole-heartedly than I love my God :)

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Silly Nikkie

I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with family these past couple days, most specifically my nephew. He has finally come to remember who I am and associate my name with my face. He now calls me nikkie fairly consistently :) This morning he was calling everyone a silly goose and my aunt said "Is that silly nikkie" and next thing he was smiling a big cheesy grin at me and yelling SILLY NIKKIE at was SO adorable :)

And then he kept grinning at me and laughing/smiling everytime he ran by me and looked at me....the biggest cheesiest grin and it made my heart melt. And then after that it all went matter what I said his answer or response was "no" or "nuh-uh".

Today I got a great workout in...Ty and I went to the rec...I kicked his ass at swimming, he kicked my ass at lifting. I worked on legs/lower body today and walking anywhere is sore, let alone the ridiculous soreness I feel whenever I walk up or down stairs. It feels great though :) I now realize why I became so addicted to working out and the pain that came with it in high school. It stinks but it's a feeling of accomplishment.

My cousin Alyssa has been with me these past couple of days and it's funny talking/listening to her. All the typical 13-year-old comments....such as "i'm so fat" and "i wish i had those sunglasses" and just how important certain things are in your life. Also talking to her about boys has been makes my memories flood back to that age and I wish I could give her all the knowledge I have now so she doesn't make the same mistakes I make. Definitely is another form of birth control though as being a mom to anyone and answering their questions or listening to their thoughts on all this on a daily basis is a lot more than I thought it would day I'll to that point in my life but I'm glad that I'm not there yet!!!

Britt just announced to me she's moving in with her bf Matt....another friend is getting engaged.....I feel like everyone my age is taking a million steps forward, and I feel like I'm taking ten steps back moving in with my parents and not having a job. It's a very weird feeling....everyone says they look up to me and I'm their hero as I'm done with school and applying to nursing school and whatnot....but holy moly, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life right now!!!

Anywho, I'm in a really weird mood right now. I'm hardcore missing my home, missing my roommates, and miss having a place that at the end of the day felt comfortable and my own. I didn't realize just how much I missed that until last night when I didn't feel completely comfortable going anywhere that I could go. I want my home back, I want my own bubble that Shelly Britt and I had made back. I want to go into a house and be able to completely relax, be greeted with a smile and enthusiastic conversation and be encouraged to ditch life as we knew it for a couple hours to be consumed in our own little world of roommate conversations or grocery shopping extravaganzas or watching a movie that sounded most important at the time.

I want all my friends within the same town again, where we all met up at the coffee shop for tea lattes, or the student rec for zumba class. I want to ride my bike through town a place where they have bike lanes and are aware of bikers.

I just miss what was my life up until a couple weeks ago. It was what was comfortable and I'm having a hard time transitioning.

Oh well, it will all work itself out with time. Just in a weird mood right now.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Friendship Tattoos

I am SO happy for Shelly :)

Living together with her, I started to feel bad. Britt is in a two-year relationship with Eamonn and then I had been in a relationship and was dating but there was Shelly, who is seriously a MAJOR catch, and she hasn't been dating for almost a year and a half.

After hearing about all my craziness and going through everything that I have gone through, Shelly was excited for me when Eric and I started talking. Not to mention she was the first person I told!!

Well now she is dating this guy Matt and she's falling in love with him and I couldn't be happier. It makes my heart SO joyous that as I'm falling in love with Eric, my best friend is also falling in love :) I want the world and all the happiness in the world for those I care about and I love to see Shelly happy, I love to see others have love and adoration and companionship in their life. And now Shelly is on the beginnings of that journey!!

And even more exciting is that as completely unplanned as it is for both of us, we are going down that road at the same time.

Can I just say falling in love is scaring the shit out of me though?!?! Not in a bad a good way....if that's possible. It's brand new territory. I don't know how to handle it. I don't think Shelly does either after texting back and forth. I like this crazy new feeling. It's a good thing....but holy moly I wasn't expecting it and wasn't ready for it!!

Shelly and I are also talking about getting friendship tattoos :) We aren't quite sure what we're getting yet....something about following your heart....We were also thinking one of us having a lock, the other a key with it.....and now I'm wondering about the infinite symbol...I've always liked it :) We'll see what happens though!!

Anywho, we won't be able to get them for awhile as we need $$$ for that sort of thing, and I'm currently jobless....but sometime this summer we'll be getting them!!!

Anywho, I'm uploading pics on facebook and it's taking me forever!!! I get to play with Tyce today....he finally knows who I am and my name :) I'm his nikkie :) He's so cute, but a great form of birth control!! lol

Alright, I'm off to work some more on pics and playing with Tycers :)