Saturday, February 28, 2009

No-Bake Black Bing Cherry Pie

This is a pie I've made before that I basically want a place that I can reference it but also share it. It's not very healthy (ok, nix that, it's completely bad for you) but it's very easy and very good....ESPECIALLY if you already have crushed graham crackers unlike me and don't have to crush them with your hands personally....that took me an hour the last time I made this recipe.

1 1/3 cup graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup butter
1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
1/2 pint heavy whipping cream
2 lemons juiced
1 16.5 oz can pitted Bing cherries drained

1. Prepare crust by mixing graham cracker crumbs and melted butter. Spread into 9-inch pan.
2. In a large bowl, combine condensed milk, lemon juice, and cherries. (If you like nuts and want added flavor you can also add 1 cup chopped pecans....I personally don't like nuts in my food).
3. In a separate bowl, whip cream to soft peaks and fold into milk mixture.
4. Pour into crust and chill in fridge for at least 4 hours before serving.

It has this really great sweet and tangy taste to it. Like I said not good for you at all but definitely hits the sweet spot and is VERY easy to make.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ok, Really?!

I am mad. Mad at myself and mad that people have to be SO rude and disrespectful.

My beloved roadbike got stolen!!

Seriously, why do people have to steal other people's stuff?!?! I'm mad at myself for having left it in front of the campus rec center for two weeks. However, that still doesn't diminish how mad I am that I can't leave my bike there for two weeks without some asshole stealing my bike!! What is wrong with people?!

RIP wonderful road bike....may I see whoever stole you riding you someday so I can tackle them to the ground and reclaim your wonderfully-steel bod.

Monday, February 23, 2009

More Moments

I realize that everyone has their little moments that they have come to love. And to most everyone else these moments are indescribable because they are mundane. But they are meaningful and touching.

Britt works in SLiCE which is the office right behind the IBOX. She stopped by and asked "Dude, want to walk with me to CAM's?!" This may seem stupid and not full of meaning. But she thought of me to come walk with her down the hall to buy food. And, well, she asked me. I don't have many friends that take the time to ask me to do things.

Shelly and I cooked dinner again today. This may not seem like much but to me it's bliss. Two friends/roommates collectively preparing dinner. She making spaghetti noodles, me un-vining grapes and cutting up cantaloupe. Sitting down to enjoy our meal and snuggle up on the same couch watching Madagascar.

They are simple and mundane but right now these friends with roommates are what I live for. A little thought and a little friendship go a long way for me.


This weekend for Alpha Phi Omega we did Ramride.

Ramride is a community service instrument designed to promote safe non-judgmental transportation. It's aimed at keeping people from drinking and driving, knowing that they can call an all-volunteer staff who will transport them home after an evening of fun.

Like I said, it's all on a volunteer basis. The cars are rented via ASCSU (who houses Ramride) and us volunteers provide the necessary insurance to drive them.

We team up into pairs...a driver and navigator. Starting at 10am we receive phone calls on thursday, friday and saturday night. We pick them up, take them home, and call into dispatch for the next ride. We do it all night long, continuing to receive calls until 2am and finish out rides until they are done.

Saturday night we were out until 4am. Alpha Phi Omega gave 545 rides in one night!! It's a new record. Honestly though, it was a blast :)

A few good stories:

We started off with a Town & Country....aka minivan. Our first pick-up was four girls. Three were maybe tipsy at best, but Emily (girl #4) was drunk off her ass. The f-bomb flying every half-word. Absolutely obnoxious. Singing to the radio (country music of course!) at the top of her lungs, not singing the right words or even song! Her friends profusely apologize getting out the car.
40 minutes later: We pick the same four girls up from a house other than that which we dropped them off at!! Emily, drunk girl, was even more obnoxious!!! Her friends got out literally exclaiming "we hope we don't see you again tonight...we are SO sorry for her."

First pick-up in old town: We park and phone our guy (who didn't answer the phone) but we wait for ten minutes if they don't pick up to see if they need a ride. A very drunk 30/40-year-old woman in front of us stands staring at our van for about four minutes. About four minutes in she starts stumbling out of nowhere lunging towards and falling on our hood. She literally laid on the hood until her bf/fiance/guy friend noticed and helped her off the hood!!! Her expression laying on the hood was priceless though....absolutely bewildered and apathetic at the same time....absolutely motionless until the dude helped her up.

Second pick-up in old town: Right as I drive to the pick-up slot, a see a guy throwing a punch. Next thing a cop has a night stick, hits him once in the back bringing him to the ground, and puts him in handcuffs. Find out the guy is an older gentlemen out with his college-age son. He hit a college-age dude. I don't know what's worse....being the kid who's father is arrested or the kid who just got his nose broke by an older guy?! Hilarious scene to watch though!

Like I said, a great night!! And all for the greater good and greater safety of Fort Collins :)

Friday, February 20, 2009


A couple of weeks ago, one of my good friends and former college roomies had an A-list party to commemorate some of the people who were influential in some way or another to her throughout her college career. I was fortunate enough to somehow make it on this list of people :)

In all honesty, I'm not quite sure how. It's quite comical looking back on it though as I find we butted heads quite a bit while we lived together....I attribute that to both of our very strong personalities.

But somehow through all of that, I left a mark on someone's life. That means a lot. I don't really ever consider myself to be the sort of person to leave a mark on anyone's life or be of influence to anyone. Maybe it's a flaw in my character that I doubt that I can have that huge of an impact on anyone at this point in my life. Whatever it is, I was honored.

Here are a few pics from that event:

Roomies. Second Semester. Keystone 3316. Spring 06.

Anywho, it got me thinking who would be on that list for me. Who has influenced my life in one way or another that they have supported, molded, and refined who I am in this exact moment?!

Well let's go back. Some people I have broken ties with so therefore they aren't going to be on this list but they were still influential as learning lessons....just keep that in mind.

Amanda, Stephanie, Becky. Roomies Fall 05.
Rene and Erin. Roomies Spring 06.
Ashley, Kristin, Bethany. Several roomies from Fall 06.
Scott. Ex-boyfriend of 2 years.
Bri & Kenny. Friends from California.
Amy. Distant friend from California.
Britt & Shelly. Current roommates Fall 08/Spring 09.
Gina Cancino and Alyssa Grant. Great friends from class.
Maddie & Emilie & Jenn. Uplines in Arbonne.

I'm sure there are others that have really influenced my life along the way but funny enough I can't remember them right now. And if I can't remember them off the top of my head, they wouldn't exactly be warranted if I were to have an A-list party of my own.

Unfortunately, I have tons of successful friends. A ton of diverse friends. From around the country. A party like that would never happen for me. I also wouldn't them to, as that's not how I roll. We all know I'm not the greatest or most entertaining hostess. But those are friends who have taught me a lot about life, been there, and encouraged me along the past four years of my life. They all hold a very dear spot in my heart and I am thankful for each and every one of them.

So here is to my A-list :)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dose of Laughter

Jeff Dunham Spark of Insanity.....I HIGHLY recommend watching it for a great laugh!!!

Jef fa-fa commmmmmm.

HA!! I love Peanut, and Walter, and Achmed the Dead Terrorist and Melvin.


Monday, February 16, 2009


To the max.

Work: Taking up too much time. Employees not taking responsibility. Tension-filled atmosphere.

School: 17 credit hours. Constantly behind. Bored with my major.

APO: Defense mechanism up. Don't feel like an important part of the group. Not as fun as once was.

Bills: Too many. Not enough money. Need a new computer. Can't get one. Things poppuing up left and right that need to be paid. Start paying off school loans in nine months. Scary thought.

Body: Giving out on me. Trying to get sick. Constant excruciating back pain. Gained 5 lbs. Pants not fitting. Not enough sleep.

Future: Nursing school pending. Moving back in with parents (ugh) to Brighton (double ugh). Job hunting starts in two months.

Friends: No time to see them. Trying not to take frustrations out on them but being incredibly unsuccessful. No such thing as a best friend right now, highly discouraging.

Family: Still not talking between parents and aunt. Extremely discouraging. Not extremely close to any of them right now. Ick.

Relationships: Something that I know I desire one day but right now not enough time or emotional well to give to someone else. Selfish.

Leisure time: What the hell is this?! That's a foreign concept almost.

Frustrated and getting worn there a break in sight?!

Friday, February 13, 2009


CSU is the Green University. And while it's not as green as I would like, since we do call ourselves that, Fort Collins is second only to Boulder in Colorado about environmental and agricultural issues. And I love Fort Collins for that. Besides, Fort Collins is MUCH friendlier than Boulder.


Because of that, Fort Collins is a prime spot for activists, especially as it's a college town. The Green RV comes through here, the Bonfils blood drive RV's are on campus roughly once a week, environmentalists are always walking around.

I have a few issues that I am very avid about.

Cutting back on paper products and plastics.
Local, sustainable agriculture.
Biodiversity and safe practices in the food industry.
Organic and anti-pesticide use. Screw you Mansanto.

I got stopped by the environmentalists in the plaza today. Which was cool. Ramsey was actually a very enthusiastic personable non-annoying person. They were with Greenpeace. Which I have heard of and have wanted to support for awhile but because of financial issues I haven't. Well I decided today that if I'm going to talk-the-talk, I better start doing a little walking too.

So today I became a student activist with Greenpeace. Which just means I support them with monetary donations to keep fighting for our environment.

Issues that they focus on:
Global Warming
Nuclear Energy
Toxic waste

So far they have gotten some good things going. Kimberly-Clark, the manufacturer of Kleenex, is responsible for major deforrestation (an issue that scares the crap out of me). For being the Green University, we use their products. Greenpeace has gotten 14 Universities to stop using this manufacturer and use a more environment-friendly manufacturer. They are working to get our administration to make the switch. How cool would that be?!

Oh yes, fast fact, we have a restaurant on the CSU campus that grows all its own ingredients and uses local beef/dairy. It's called the Aspen Grille. I need to eat there sometime. It's student-operated by the Restaurant & Resort Management, which is a sister option to the Human Nutrition and Food Science degree I am currently almost graduating with. Pretty sweet.

Support Greenpeace. Support our environment. And please recycle :)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Priceless Memory

So maybe you have to be here to know how much I adore this moment:

Scene: our living room in our messy apartment. Sink overflowing, recycling in piles, two 12 packs of Citrus Drop.

Characters: Shelly, Britt, I, Shelly's physics classmate

Scenario: I'm trying to cook my first artichoke ever. I have no idea what I'm doing. Also doing laundry. Shelly starting to study with physics girl who also bakes. Britt out of the shower, baking "high altitide" brownie cookies, wearing her lifts on her dress shoes for her spine and pajamas.

I have no idea how to cook an artichoke. Neither does anyone else. Britt however doesn't know how to crack an egg!!

Random comment "I was going to ask if my balls were big enough" (in reference to brownie cookies).

These random nights full of bizarre scenarios and lots of laughs are why I love living with Britt and Shelly so much.

They warm my heart. Even if none of us know how to cook an artichoke. Ill let you know how it turns out. Where does the edible artichoke come from? Maybe I should know this.......

Update a few hours later: The artichoke was good....after you eat the heart it has this creepy furry middle that reminds me of something that would try to suck me in and eat me alive. Hmmm.

Britt's brownie cookies turned out great! See she can be a baker.....sort of. Brownies and powdered sugar. Stroke of genius and stroke of my bum getting just a tiny bit bigger.

I actually did some homework tonight!! Be proud. :)

Emotional Constipation

Ok seriously I need to be a little more positive and bright.

Have you ever watched Tarzan (the disney movie)?!

Well the following is a dialogue that basically sums up my feelings right now. HA! So to set it up, Tarzan has two ape named Turk and an elephant named Tantor. Both hilarious characters in their own right. (If you don't even know what the story of Tarzan is about you really need to get into the past decade and watch this Disney classic....). Anywho, Tarzan has just found out he's been tricked by Clayton and he's captured on the ship with Jane and Professor Porter while Clayton goes to capture the gorillas (Tarzan's family).

Tantor: That sounded like Tarzan. It sounded like - like he was in trouble.
Terk: Yeah? Why doesn't he get his new friends to help him? I don't care.
Tantor: That's it! I've had it with you and your emotional constipation! Tarzan needs us, and we're gonna help him! You got that?
[places Terk on his back] Tantor: So pipe down, and hold on tight... we've got a boat to catch.
[Tantor charges off a cliff and into the ocean]
Tantor: I've never felt so alive!
Terk: Good, 'cause I'm gonna kill you!

So yes, bascially, I have felt emotionally constipated for the past few days and I need to stop. I was just telling a friend last night....I am usually a glass-half-full, optimistic, cheery, look-on-the-bright side sort of person but as of late I've been the glass-half-full, oscar the grouch, pissy woman and I DO NOT LIKE IT!!! Now I know why I'm the first. It's a poor poor feeling to be the later.

Anywho, I need to get a new camera, or at least get my camera back. I can't upload my photos onto my computer with my old camera. Which is a bummer because I have some cute pics of my nephew on there that I really want to post but if I can't extract them from my camera, well that's Bad News Bears right there.

I just really need to get my life together. I'm half working on my last minute homework and writing in my blog at the same time. Who else has so little time that they really have to do it?! Or at least is so disorganized that they have to do that?!

WOO-PAH! (Think Big Fat Greek Wedding)

I need a hearty laugh. I really need to try to find Jeff Dunham...the comedian....his dvd or something. Honestly, I've never laughed harder in my life. Peanut CRACKS ME UP! I heart it.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ick. Ish. Wish.

I am a grouch bucket this week. Things have been a little bit too much for me to deal with at work. Basically I'm tired of carrying all the responsibility for myself......AND 17 of my fellow peers who don't know how to take responsibility for their jobs. I can handle myself. But I can't handle babysitting 17 20-something-year-olds who can't seem to show up on time or do their jobs as they are asked to do them. Their jobs don't require I don't understand why I'm having to do it for them.

I now have to give up about every other weekend to work to make sure they A) show up, B) show up on time, C) do their jobs and D) aren't making an ass of themselves to our customers. Isn't that lovely?!?!

I'm a bit peeved if no one can tell by the vehemence that is coming through right now. I'm just pissed about it. I have very little free time....and that free time is my weekends. And now I have to give up my free time (which is used to catch up on sleep and get homework done as well as be used for APO time and the *gasp* me time that I really sorta need) for them. Ick. Ick. Ick.

I've realized that when I'm so mad/sad/frustrated/disappointed I can't really explain how it's making me feel, ick is my word of choice. It goes with everything.


Ok anywho, now that I'm done ranting on that.

Bri and Kenny had their baby girl, Emma. She's beautiful. It was amazing looking at their first family photo. Kenny is beaming, seriously, if he was beaming any more the picture probably wouldn't have turned out. Bri is absolutely beautiful. Motherhood fits her and becomes her very well. I've never seen her look more beautiful or more radiant. And Emma, well Emma is a beautiful baby.

Looking at that picture ignites a flame in my heart. No, not the motherhood "I want a baby" flame.

I want to go into neonatal nursing. It's been my passion for awhile now and I'm working my way there. Every single time I see a picture of a newborn baby, it ignites this flame in my heart. Everytime I see a newborn in a hospital it makes me EXCITED to become race towards my career....nervous but absolutely excited!! It's one of those feelings that allows me to not doubt my choice in career.

If I were getting just my Bachelor's in Nutrition & Fitness, I can honestly say that I would feel my life was a waste something was missing. I don't have a passion or yearning to do anything with this degree. I have noticed it is VERY hard for me to learn as because I'm not interested in it, I don't absorb the material in the slightest. It's funny though that I can recall a lot of what I learned regarding the human body and medical knowledge from several years ago. But I can't tell you even know though I just learned it how biochemistry affects the body and how high-fructose corn syrup is made or any of that.

I absorb any knowledge related to the medical field, particularly to nursing and what I have an interest/passion in. And seeing those pictures just further secured how confidant I am in knowing that unlike this degree, nursing is what is going to be in my future, is one of my life's callings.

Ok, that was a tangent. But CONGRATS!!!! to Bri and Kenny. I'm so very happy for their family :) I just wish I could meet Emma soon. I really do miss Bri and Kenny. It's amazing how when I'm consumed with my life, I forget how amazing it feels to be surrounded by genuine, mature, supportive friends such as them. It's easy to forget they exist when I'm surrounded by the fake, selfish people I interact with every day. Friends like them are hard to come by and I miss that genuine friendship.

One day I will see them again. And now they will have Emma :)

I don't have too much to say for once. I have a ton I feel I need to put down but right now life has been so chaotic that I have no idea what is of interest to pour out. Not to mention I've been ignoring anything that doesn't directly relate to school or work as I don't have time for emotion or adventure right now.

Speaking of adventures though!! I am going down to Colorado Springs this weekend to hang out with some friends I haven't seen in two years!!! Two years.....that's a long time.....but it's gone by so incredibly fast. Man it's amazing how much you miss when you consume your life. I now know how it's so easy to just leave certain friendships gone unkindled for so long. We get too busy, too consumed, too chaotic trying to do everything our society tells us we need to accomplish and do. All to be "successful"....whatever that means.

I can't wait to see their shining faces!! And see the people they have become in the last two years!!

Ok I need to get off to bed. Sleep would be good. I actually was able to do some homework tonight so I need to finish it off with some much needed rest to chip away at my incredible amounts of sleep debt.

Tout a leure (if I remembered how to spell that correctly, in French it means see you later)

Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Next Year of My Life

Since the informational meeting I have found myself pondering on what the next year is going to hold.

I know that on some instances I am not going to be happy. I will have to move from a community I love, away from the most amazing roommates I've had, leave behind a school that feels like home and that I fit into, leave behind everything I know, a group of people my age who understand me.....all to dive into the real world.

That means diving into a community that doesn't understand what I'm going through in life, a community that isn't what I'm used to (not as passionate, isn't into the same justice that I'm into....environmental, social). I feel as though getting into the real-world I'm diving into a pool of people who are even more self-absorbed than us college students are. I think a large part of that deals with the social aspect I'm used to. I'm used to being a part of a tight-knit community that is socialable, flexible, helpful to each other.

I'm thoroughly not looking forward to leaving a place I fit in with people I feel comfortable around to hop into a community I never felt comfortable in to begin with (the community of Brighton).

However, these are a few things I think I'm going to do to keep my sanity and keep moving forward. I can't stand feeling as though I'm stagnant, not moving forward in some sense. I think I'm going to get my phlebotomy certification (bloodwork) and probably take an EMT class. I will review my anatomy book and if I have time and am really motivated, might work towards obtaining my Personal Fitness Trainer licensure. I need to renew my First Aid, CPR & AED licensures. And somewhere in all that mix I want to travel a bit.

I'm not looking forward to May. I have a werid feeling that it's going to feel in my life as though I'm standing still. I hate that feeling. I don't always need to be going higher and higher but I need to move forward with my life to stay sane. And having to wait and not move on to finish my second degree right away is going to stiffle me, literally. Or at least I have that sense.

I know I should look on the bright side but when working towards something constantly is all I know I'm fearful of the future.

This semester has become something of a hassle. Senioritis has fully set in. I am busy ALL day long doing work/school/meetings/working out etc. I have a very limited time to do homework and by the time I get to it I'm tired and want to do something brainless like sitting on blogger or watching a movie. I refuse to give up working out this semester as my health is very important to me. That includes staying physically active and it WILL be a priority in my life from here on out.

I have no passion for my degree, whatsoever and I think that is what makes it the worst. I have found first that I'm not interested in nutrition in the way it's taught. I have no desire for nutrition-related research or developing nutrition-related programs. I am really tired of focusing only on obesity and Type II diabetes. I have three professors who are teaching us how to find and us journal articles. Most of the nutrition concentrations aren't familiar with this. However as nutrition & fitness concentration, some of us have to take Exercise Physiology which you use journal articles for everything. In the lab, you learn how to write abstracts for them! You have to research them, you have to learn how to read them. Now in three classes I'm "learning" how to look them up on databases. It's literally boring me to tears.

One of my classes is a one-credit-hour class labeled Nutrition & Chronic Disease. Thus far, he's spent three class periods ranting about poverty. I spent two hours today learning about language styles middle class vs. poverty and hidden rules in our class systems. What the hell does this have to do with nutrition & chronic disease?!?! At the end he went on a 15-minute tyrade about how men treat women poorly and objectify them and he challenged the men to break that mold. He then switched over to how this doesn't mean he's against the military, they do need help when they get back from war and then lectured us about how to help them get help. Seriously?! I'm paying for this?!

Anywho, it's become really hard for me to focus and care. When it comes down to the future of my life, these classes don't matter. I'm not interested and am much more focused on what I'm passionate about and what is in my future....which is not this. I'm trying hard to focus, especially with 17 credit hours. But it's getting hard.

Anyways, I'm off my tyrant. I'm just a little pessimistic right now. I'm sorry that came through on my blog. It's jsut how I feel at the moment. Which I know is not me. I'll look on the bright side and stop bitching here soon...I promise :)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Update to Informational Meeting

To prelude my informational meeting, I thought I'd start off with my journey to find a Zune and winding up in Rome.

A few weeks ago at Circuit City I saw that they had 80G Zune for $170. Killer deal. The Circuit City in Brighton wasn't going out of business like others so I thought, I'm good, I won't buy it now, I need to save my money until I need to get it. Managed to NOT hear when they decided to shut down ALL their stores. Apparently everyone else knew.

I go online to price-check to find out they announced closing their doors on the 16th of JANUARY (note it's the 3rd of FEBRUARY), freak out and decide to drive after work to the one in Fort Collins. NO ZUNES! AGH! Call mom to get number for Brighton location. Brighton location doesn't answer their phone.

So I rush to leave earlier than I anticipated in driving to Denver so I could stop by the one in Brighton. Rush to print out my homework and hand-in early for class. Almost hit a concrete barrier while I'm driving down I-25. Hope that they have a Zune.

Arrive. AH! Go in. NO ZUNES! Agh, I give up. It's not happening for me. So I try to look for Planet Earth. None left. Dane Cook?! Don't have any of his movies. Good Luck Chuck?!! Freshly gone. But alas, both seasons of Rome. YES I OWN ROME NOW....and you can be jealous. GREAT show. As they say, when in Rome....

Anywho, I went to the informational meeting last night. It clarified all my questions, I know how the program works and I'm SO EXCITED to apply....however I'm nervous. They are the frontiers of the Nurse Practitioner program, 3rd in the nation for pediatrics....all of their concentrations are nationally ranked within the top 20, most of them in the top 12. That's pretty damn good.

Now getting a Bachelors of Science in Nursing does not mean you get your RN. You still have to take the NCLEX (national nursing licensure exam). They have a 93.2% pass rate on the FIRST TIME for 2007. The percentage for their 2008 was even higher. Let me repeat this again, over 90% of their students pass the NCLEX their FIRST TIME taking the exam...that's HUGE....not to mention little stars start shining in my eyes about how I can succeed in life!!

However, each application period applies for two start terms. There's a summer start term followed by a spring start term (the summer is the first start term). The application for this upcoming summer and next spring just ended in November. Which means I can't apply until July, the deadline is November, won't find out until after then and upon acceptance (the application is based upon three components: the overall GPA of every class taken in the last 10 years, the GPA of all the pre-reqs required, and the essay component) will start in either Summer 2010 or Spring 2011. Which means after graduation I will have about a year and three months at least on my hands.

Which means I move back home. Ick. To Brighton.....biggest double friggin ICK you could ever imagine. I don't want to move back to Brighton. Everyone who leaves Brighton ends up coming back for some reason or another, usually because they are lame or losers at life. I don't want to come back. I hate Brighton, I hate the people in Brighton, I hate the location of Brighton, I hate the stigma of Brighton. There is nothing good in Brighton than my family and a few friends who also want to get out. But alas living with my parents is free. I'm not too excited about that either but at least it's free. I just hope they are more relaxed when it comes time for me to move in.

This whole curfew thing, being in bed by 10pm thing is not gonna work for me. I just can't do it!! And the bickering. The bickering in my house has got to stop. But alas it will only be me and Reece left. And no I will not be Reece's babysitter. That is not my job. Nope, will not do it.

Anywho, I'm very excited about nursing school. It's a while to wait but will be well worth it.

However, the aspect of working for a year to save up (because I need money for school and can't have a job) is not that exciting. Hopefully I can get a schnazzy job.

Anywho, class time. I'm off!!

Monday, February 02, 2009

Informational Meeting


I have the informational meeting tomorrow to apply to nursing school. I'm really nervous. This is what I want to do with my life. It's serious. It's not just another major, it's just "another class". And because of that, this is more critical to my life. And absolutely critical to my future.

And of course because it's serious it's a harder application process.

Nerve-wracking to the max. But in two months the application will be turned in. In four months I should be finding out if I'm accepted into nursing school or not. The year of my life depends on this....more so, the way the rest of my life pans out depends on this. AHH....scary.

Nursing school?! Will I be there in several months?! Or will I be on the job market?!

Tomorrow starts that course.


On a side note I'm going to write some randoms. I feel like I don't do that enough. It's always serious hub-bub. Part of the reason for a blog but also needs some breaking up in it.

I am addicted to the A&E channel when I watch tv. Here's my tv routine. Every morning while getting ready I listen to VH1's Jumpstart. I'm a reality tv junkie to the max and will watch most any reality thing. Yes I know, it's ridiculous and I'm almost ashamed to admit. But a huge weakness is A&E. Dog the Bounty Hunter, Intervention, Manhunters, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, and Paranormal State. It's sickening but it's replaced Discovery Health since we don't have it. Paranormal State is the newest love.

Windor pilates is great to do. Shelly and I are going along strong on our working out stuff :) We mix up pilates, swimming, the elliptical and weights. We did the elliptical and abs last friday. We went 45 mins on the elliptical, which I pushed myself hard and to the max. Then did abs. I read an article about the first assassination of the 21st century (the former Russian spy who was poisoned while residing in London) and about the emergence of chemical assassinations. It also talked about how the Russian government okayed the trackdown and assassination of certain people. And how they like to go as exotic as possible so it's harder to trace how they die. And I also read about protons being used to combat cancer. Give me a was either the science magazine or Good Living to read on the elliptical. I went with something a little more stimulating to my brain.

I smoked our apartment last week. We lit the fireplace and our house (and my hair) smelled like a campfire for four days. It was awful. The worst part was a few days before that I couldn't get the fire to start to save my life....and I know how to start a fire. That was lame. But then again so was my hair smelling like a campfire for four days.

I have severe senioritis. It's hard to go to class or be motivated. I think I'm just really bored. I care nothing about nutrition and am REALLY tired of talking about obesity and type 2 diabetes. It makes me want to scream.

Paranormal State is freaking me out right now....and it thrills me. Church for the damned. Freaky shit.

Psalm 119:30-37

I need a reason to dress up in the next semester. I haven't dressed up for a bit.

I also have the urge to go shopping. It might be time to go hit up Forever 21 and Pacsun and see if they are having any killer sales.

I'm getting a tattoo here soon. It's the phrase "I am always learning" in Latin. Ego sum etiam eruditior. It's going to go on my left hip. I'm actually really excited about this. My parents will flip when they find out. That's ok.

I need to print off a shitton of pics. I have a whole scrapbook for Kevan I need to get to working on. He graduates in three short months. YIKES!!! Man they are growing up so fast. He wants to be a producer/audio engineer. He's pretty good. Writes a lot of his old stuff right now. It's gangsta but still talented none-the-less. He said he'd hook me up with some rad parties once he hits the industry. He better remember his offer :D

I really like what my peace ring symbolizes to me. It's the equality of the human race. Not peace as in no fighting, love, we all sing songs and get along. As in we are all equals, imperfectly perfect, and we all are unique individuals of God who deserve respect, time, and love.

I need to get to bed. I'm going to cut off here. Stupid 8am class. Ick.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Slow Fade

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away

It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
[Slow Fade by Casting Crowns]

A Few Updates on things left unexplained...

Family: I have come to terms with my parents once again. We by no means agree about what's going on. We don't have the same viewpoints. I have made it clear that when it comes to choosing a side for my family I won't do it. I have a small family to begin with, I'm not going to make it even smaller because of feuding. But we talked and I found out a lot of history behind the feuding that's been going on. History that involves a lot of stubbornness and miscommunication on both sides....because my parents see it one way and my aunt a completely different way. I feel that it has fallen on my shoulders that when the time is right to get them all into a room together and facilitate a discussion. Oddly enough I'm the only one equipped enough to do this. Well it's not odd, it's actually how it normally works, but the fact that the 21-year-old has to facilitate a converstaion between 40-year-olds who can't seem to do it is odd.

So my parents and aunt/uncle still aren't talking but us kids all talk to each other and the adults. And my parents I feel have found a new-found respect for me and I for them. I love learning about their past, dreams, desires and I wish they would do it often. It makes it easier to understand where they come from and why they say what they do.

Nursing school: I have an informational meeting on Tuesday. I should probably start getting my stuff together and questions compiled. AGH!!! SO nervous. I'm afraid of failure.

Vrbas: We still text, we are friends.....I haven't seen him since the end of December. Other than that nothing going on. And I'm quite content with that.

Scott: Oh gosh, there's a lot that I want to write on that area but due to certain thoughts, I'm going to keep a few underwraps. I miss him, I think. I'm very confused in that area. I keep saying I don't love him. But I find it hard to say I don't still care when I am jealous right now. To be honest with you, I think a large reason I don't know what's going on with my feelings for him is I ignore that area of my heart, I numb it. Like a couple posts ago revealed. A lot reminds me of him, there's a whole more than the small list, and along with the remembering part is a lot of stinging.

For instance, I texted him yesterday and found out along the way that he had moved into a new apartment. Huge sting. That's something we always talked about doing so therefore moving anywhere (me or him) from where we ended (me living here, him at his mom's house) is going to sting a lot. And it does sting a lot. I won't deny it. But as soon as the sting hit I noticed I "numbed" it eternally. Is this because I care or because when it comes down to it, I know I shouldn't care and eternally am just holding on to fragments for whatever reason?

Mainly because now to understand why I'm feeling certain ways I have to pull back the layers, be honest, and acknowledge my heart. I don't do that often.

Here's what I've made sense of so far: In the past four months (yeah not a long time but feels like a long time but doesn't), I have learned SO much about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise. I have learned what makes me laugh, what it feels like to unleash my passion, that God knows me better than I will ever know myself, that I am beautiful and unique and irreplacable, that confidance is needed in life, that I can make others happy as I am, and that my life is pure chaos.

I didn't know how to and don't think I would have been able to find myself while Scott is finding himself at the same time. I know for a fact that I couldn't any longer have someone leaning on me. I was drained and exhausted and emotionally I couldn't keep giving to Scott because I had nothing to give myself. I needed to re-energize and though I wanted to be the one to hold his hand and walk through fire, I wasn't sure I could do it. I also know that somewhere after awhile I fell out of love with him and I think I was trying to fall back in love with him and make things work.

The months leading up to that Scott had slipped into a dark place. A place that I didn't know where he was, who he was, and didn't know how to help. I WASN'T helping. I perpetuated his feelings of inadequacy, I wasn't a bright spot in his life (at least I didn't feel as though I would), and though I tried, I couldn't help. I didn't help.

Everyone knows the Vanessa incident. I think it's uncanny how spot on a women's sense is. I will leave this one at this. My gut feelings of her having feelings for him, for loving him, were spot on. And the reason that my gut literally rolled in my stomach and why that had such a profound effect was because my womanly instinct was deadly accurate. I really hope my motherly intuition is as uncanny as my intuition about that whole situation. Double fold that with the fact that she knew him on a level I didn't, knew his past, knew him better than I did.....and that his mom loves her and made it subtly obvious how right she was/is for him......I thought well along with the evidence of me not being able to help him at all when he is in such a dark place, well maybe I just wasn't the one for him. It angers me right now how right on I was.....and it angers me that all of my frustrations and decisions were warranted.

The texts, the emails.....between them....completely unwarranted when in a relationship.

My need of re-energizing, of finding myself, of knowing that this semester would leave me with no time for anything other than my own selfish needs, that I would be reaching a crossroads with where to go in my future, my lack of helping Scott, no longer being able to hide the emotional debt and worry in my eyes, my feelings of inadequacy in Scott's life, my friggin sickening uncanny intuition about Vanessa's feelings, my mind freaking out about how I was supposed to do and what was best, knowing I wasn't in love with him any longer and didn't know if I ever would be in love with him again.....led to me deciding to break up with Scott. It was the hardest decision I've made to date. I had to hurt someone. I'm a protector, not someone who hurts those close to me.

I broke up with him, kept myself busy, then somehow got sucked back it because I really do care about him or is it because I was simply used to having him there?! Either way I sucked him back in because I didn't know what else to do....I sort of freaked out after awhile.

Typical heartbreaker who doesn't know what she wants and plays with other people's hearts.

We started hanging out. It was natural it seemed, he was working through things and naturally I became interested in another guy too. The draw of what's out there, the draw of new territory. Vrbas. When Scott found out I was interested he freaked and shut me out. Had he stayed around what happened with Vrbas very well might not have. Scott pushed me out so I went on a date, slept with him after a few times hanging out, and that was that. Scott pushed me out so I threw inhibitions to the wind. Had he just kept being my friend and seeing what happened, who knows. We were supposed to be working on a friendship again. I know he was talking to the girl in class, I was talking to Vrbas. I didn't see what was wrong. But I understand why he pushed me out.

Here's what I've revealed right now: There's something still in my heart for Scott. I don't know what it is. I won't let myself pull it out and identify it as I don't want to acknowledge it right now. Breaking up happened. It wasn't a mistake with what needed to happen but I find myself wondering if it was a mistake in how everything happened and what God has planned in the future. Although with God there aren't any mistakes so don't take that to mean that. I'm still drawn to Scott for some reason though. I'm incredibly territorial still with him and I find myself numbing that sensation right now as I write. I'm wondering if that's because he was that way with me and I don't know how to let that go?!

But I find myself wondering about the future. What is going on with my heart? Is what I'm feeling huge remnants of my past with Scott that I can't suppress or is something still there that I have just numbed down as I am so very good at doing? Why can I ignore so well for so long what's in my heart by keeping myself busy until I get crazy like this? Why do I keep going back? Am I just being a silly little girl?! Hahaha that last one is semi serious but also a joke to lighten the mood (imagine my playful voice joking right now).

I think I'm just being stupid and being drawn to my past, my comfort zone....but maybe I do still have some sort of feelings for him. A huge part of me tells me no, my roommates tell me no, hell my mind tells me I don' why is it hard to just completely let to?! Why am I even thinking about this right now?!


Jobs: I don't have too much time right now to propel my Arbonne business. I'm keeping it going and keeping my clients. However I'm not building my business. It's a great gift to have in our economy but much like romance, there's no time for it. I literally spend my free time writing down thoughts in my blog and working out. The rest of my time is taken up by school, work, APhiO meetings, homework, eating and sleeping. And the occasional disney movie :)

My job as the Personnel Manager is secure, pays little, but right now is rewarding enough. It keeps me busy with the several small projects I have and continually helping to revamp our image and services. We are finally getting to a point where some things are becoming routine but we are still in the end of the two-year transition of management and traditions. I'm lucky enough to be helping to set that foundation but it's tough work! I also enjoy working with my co-workers and I know I'm appreciated by B. She told me she's really going to miss me, that I've done a spectacular job, that whoever fills my place will have big shoes to fill, and that she appreciates everything that I've done. I've also had professional staff who have said that they have immensely enjoyed working with me and are sad to see me leave at the end of this year. That's a good feeling to leave with. However, we start the intense hiring process soon so that will also eat up a lot of my work time.

Future jobs I'm applying to during the summer/fall depending on availability and nursing school: substitute teacher, CNA or other position at University Hospital (back up hospitals in the work), working as the assistant production manager again for my parents at Reflections Apparel, editing and taking pictures with a photographer in Brighton, trying to get a job at the chiropractor's office.....we'll see what happens. I need to get on looking into the applications for all of those.

Wow I just got overburdened again by my future.

Alright well I'm getting tired again due to my lack of sleep last night. I'm going to cuddle back up in bed now that I've puked a little of my head. My heart is still numb but that's ok.

FYI.....I've gotten really good at controlling my heart rate. I can bring my heart rate down if I start to freak out in about six seconds if I first ignore my feelings and then take two deep slow breaths. It's amazing!

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
[Circle of Life by Elton John, The Lion King]