Thursday, October 29, 2009

Snow Day Sled Time

So today was the second of two snow days we had....the snow hit and it hit HARD!! I got some cabin fever so Eric and I decided to go sledding :)


My phlebotomy class is going rather well :) Although I just found out I'm going to have to pay for my clinicals and I'm rather broke most of the time. So much I want to do and SO little money currently....and I don't even pay rent or utilities!!

Eric and I are "talking" again.....which makes me happy yet a tad hesitant all at once but right now I'm really just rolling with it.

Fact: We are crazy about each other.

I love him and there's something I just can't get away from when it comes to him. He's my kryptonite. Attractive and fun yet a tad deadly. But I can't seem to pull my heart away from him even when my mind tells me it would probably be the best thing for my heart.

Fact: My heart is a tad more guarded.

My heart is still out on the line but it's not blatantly open to him like it was before. I've put up a few walls and I think it's actually been a good thing. I've been able to be more myself. At the same time, I make it a point to also hang with my girls and other friends just as much as I do spend time with him. I think this is the only way I can keep myself protected.

Fact: We have a great time when we're together.

Yes he's been a jackass and I slightly yelled at him the one time but we have a great time together. We laugh and joke and play and tell stories. It's nice to have that companionship right now, even if it is from someone who's more than a friend yet less than a boyfriend.

Fact: We make each other smile.

It's just truth.

Fact: the uncertainty of the future.

Whhen it comes from his standpoint, he's afraid to be hurt again. I understand this though it drives me crazy. He knows I won't be another Kelly, he knows I could rock his world and offer him the world and make him the luckiest and happiest guy around....he just chooses to not let me do that for him. He's afraid at the uncertainty of not being sure I'm not going to hurt him. And I'm afraid of the uncertainty that he might not break my heart again. We have SO much we both want to do and accomplish and I think we can support each other in it, I think we both just might be a little hesitant about it though currently. Time will tell.

I really do care for him. It's stupid and insensible and probably completely erratic of me but I can't deny it. I can't admit it fully and I can't deny it either way.

There's a reason for Eric in my life currently.....I'm just unsure of it. I'm unsure of what our futures are going to bring and whether he's just Mr. Right Now or has the potential for Mr. Right. My heart says the later, but my mind tells me the first in preparation for another heartbreak.

Either way, I'm done fighting it. Eric and I can't stay away from each other. We'll see what that reason is. Yet we also remain friends no matter what is going on. Time will tell....I'm just gonna let time work this one out whatever way it works.

I'm focusing on school and my future and being a great friend to all my friends. I'm repairing my relationship with my parents and focusing on the close-knit family I so badly want back. I'm working on being my age and having fun and trying to find my way in this life. We'll see if Eric comes along for the ride and vice versa.

I have faith in him. But does he have faith in himself? And can he learn to have faith in me? Time will tell.

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