Sunday, September 25, 2011

PS I Love You

Alone or not you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.

[PS I Love You]

It's how I feel right now....

Friday, September 16, 2011

Numbers, Pages

"See I'm all about these words, over numbers, unencumbered numbered words, hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words, more words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive..."
[Jason Mraz, You And I Both]

I think the words to this song just flat out explain my mood today.

I journal a lot, whenever I need to write and get things off my mind that have been there for awhile. I express my words best when I write...speaking for me provides some sort of dyslexic obstacle in which I find my mind working too damn fast and my mouth unable to adequately speak the words that most precisely express whatever it is that is sitting on my mind. I stumble upon my words and can't seem to get out what exactly it is I need to get out. Not to mention I look crazy as hell when I talk to myself so damn incessantly ;-)

Lately I've had a need to sit down and journal but I find when I sit down, a million thoughts spill out but no words are written. I don't know how to express the odd feelings I have inside that I need to splurge. I don't know how to adequately express the heartache and desperation that my heart feels right now, or the stress or anxiety, the nervousness and fear. Sure I just was able to write those words but the stories behind those words, the thoughts that are currently rolling around in my mind, are more intricate and filled with emotion than those words capture.

There's millions of thoughts and words, and they are all blocked by an obstacle I can't seem to quite get out of the way.

So many questions on my mind, with approximate answers but nothing that can adequately suffice these feelings, these thoughts. Enough to curb the edge but not enough to get to the core, the heat, the middle.

Life is so beautiful, yet so difficult right now. Nothing physically hard, that's for sure. Which is what makes the difficultness of it so damn...difficult. The difficulty is coming from within my mind, my lack of time, yearning, wants, needs, desires, dreams...and not knowing where to begin, how to make it happen, which direction to go.

On one hand I have some of these answered. The simple answer is I just want life to flow it's go in whatever direction that it does. The beautiful part of life is that it's a constant journey, one that goes with the ebbs and flows as rocks and boulders shift around, and the banks grow higher or lower. Beautiful creatures flow in and out, making waves or smoothing the ripples, and it goes on for great lengths until it opens to the mouth of a lake or ocean, an even more beautiful level of life with greater riches (and greater torrents).

What I'm trying to say is that I don't want a plan or need a plan, I don't want to have all the answers, all I want is to know that my life is going to be filled with beauty and passion. Which at this point I feel dumb because it's within my power to keep those there. Isn't it?! But sometimes, just sometimes, I get frustrated with where I'm at in life currently, and that I can't make certain things happen. I know we have to work our way up and work our way through, but dammit I want to know I'm not going to miss out on all the things I want to do or desire to do. Patience is a virtue but how long is the wait?!

There are a lot of things I long to see, feel, taste, do, experience. When will I get to do them?! How long do I have to keep waiting?!

I try to keep anxiety, worry, and fear at bay. Some days are just easier than others. Some days require a little bit more glucose to keep all things working.

I feel so alive; and I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting for what exactly? And sometimes I do wonder, waiting for who?

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Messing with Video Blog

So I decided, after finding this little movie maker thing on my mac, to do a little video blog because I've never done it and I didn't know how weird it would be...?! Still not quite sure about it. Very weird to simply be talking to my computer and rambling on but oh well! Just thought I'd pop in and "visually" say hi, and ramble a bit, like I'm good at. Enjoy the newest addition to my blogging repertoire :-)

Monday, September 05, 2011

Who Are You?

I heard this question on a documentary I was watching the other night...who are you? What makes you uniquely you?

I'ven been wondering that a lot lately. I haven't really figured out how to say some of the things I know about myself. Most of that stemming to the fact that I often think in vividly-colored pictures/scenes and emotions/feelings. I don't think very much in words. I feel/see something that then have to make myself come up with words to put to it, sometimes very hard to do with my limited vocabulary. And I express so much better when "writing", whether by hand or via keyboard.

I think I'm still very much on that path of self-discovery, and have been for quite some time. I have some things that are just inherently me...loose definitions. I'm Nicole. I'm fun, positive, spunky, bright, optimistic, emotional, strong-willed, fiercely independent, God-fearing, lively, adventurous, a smartass, joking, singing, funky, caring, passionate, lover of life! But who am I?! I'm just me...lover of comfortable jeans and flip-flops, lover of God, lover of nature, hater of negativity, lover of adventure, crazy, wacky. I'm OCD, and slightly neurotic. I worry more than I ever let people know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I really care! I long to find some place that I can finally fit in and not always be the oddball. I do want to be loved but don't seek it out as I don't think I deserve it. I underestimate myself quite a bit yet have a strong confidence in myself because I have to. I thrive in relationship with others, as I'm crazy social, yet somehow still a slightly natural introvert. I have a hard time applying a filter to my mouth (wearing the heart on the sleeve thing sorta gets in the way). I'm a great listener and I talk a lot. I love learning and am quite intelligent. I can't sit still to save my life, yet do a lot of the things I want to do. I'm a huge procrastinator yet very skilled at multi-tasking and quite efficient when I want to be. I can organize like no one's business. I am ridiculously observative of human behavior yet gullible and completely unaware of the fullness of my surroundings a good grip of the time. I am innocently naive of some parts of life, sometimes by choice and sometimes by lack of experience. I try to remain judge-free and open to everything and everyone (yes I fail sometimes). Yet I am very knowledgeable and understanding. I'm multi-faceted. I'm describable yet indescribable, and that's the way I like it. I'm complexly simple. I have a very wild heart, but one that's open to everyone in my life. I'm way too trusting and because of it am always very vulnerable (add in very loving and it's sometimes disasterous).

Again though, is that all that I am?! Certainly not. There's so much to me, that I can't even think of all that I am.

My brain never shuts off!! Quite literally.

And what makes me uniquely me?! There are other people out there that fit all of the above. I'm not the only one. So what makes me unique?! I guess you'd just have to get to know me to decide what it is that makes me unique....

But I'm constantly evolving. A few years ago I was me but I was a different version of me. Every day, every new event, is an opportunity to learn and grow. And because of that I'm constantly evolving. I'm constantly learning new things about myself and being challenged, pushed, questioned, and made to think outside of my comfort zone.

I would never have imagined in high school that I would be the woman I am today. I'm not surprised as I'm too damn bull-headed to let anything get in my way or get me down too terribly long...but I would never have thought I'd have the tenacity or gumption to do and say some of the things I do now. I wouldn't have thought I'd have learned to be social and how to have so much courage. Part of it is always having been dependent upon myself to get me where I'm going but it's pushed me through "growing pains" I wasn't quite sure how to get out of...still don't know how to get out of some of those times. But I just keep going and learning and growing!!

My life's to-do list has changed, my bucket list has expanded, and my goals/dreams have been altered slightly. They always will continue to evolve. As I grow and learn and experience, those things will become part of me, memories, lessons learned, wisdom gained, failures I've gotten up from, and successes that I've flown on.

Right now?! I'm the girl who's anxiously and excitedly headed to nursing school in a few months with dreams as vast as the sky about the opportunities that lay afterwards. Yet I'm still the girl who dreams of traveling the country in a wooden Jeep Grand Wagoneer, camera in tow, and maybe a cute loving man by my side (or the companionship of a dog, who knows). I still dream of traveling the world and falling in love with foreign lands, yet coming home to the wonderful state of Colorado and marveling in her beauty. I'm still the girl who never discredits that life can change in an instant and God's plans are greater than mine. I'll always fight "growing up" and "getting old"....age is just a number and growing up is for people who take life more seriously than they should. I'll always be too responsible yet balanced by the wild carefree side of me that continually says "fuck it" and does that crazy thing that leaves you scratching you head thinking "whelp, that was interesting".

Realistically I have no idea what the future holds and I don't want to plan it. I've always had some goal in mind but never a plans never work out anyway. I just want to be happy, I want to be me, and I want to constantly experience and take joy in life.

That's what we're here for. Joy, happiness, experiencing the beauty of God, and to help others/leave this world a little bit better than we found it. At least that's what I think.

For now I'm going to enjoy the relationships that are in my life, the opportunities I get and I'm going to make each day as joyful as possible. If I make others smile, I've done my job well.

Simply striving to live a beautiful life, passionately. That's who I am. That's all I've got figured out for now. But that's more than I had figured out even a couple years ago....

Wild Hearts, Blue Jeans, & White T-shirts

"And I'll love you forever if I ever love at all, with wild hearts, blue jeans and white t-shirts..."
[The Gaslight Anthem]

I discovered the wonders of this band called The Gaslight Anthem this past week...a New Jersey punk rock band. Wow, amazing. I totally recommend them! I don't know how I've never discovered them before now but their music has just wrapped up my soul this past week.

I also listened to an EP I was given about a year ago by a friend. It's a group by a band called The Black Keys. I've loved listening to the sound of punk rock and classic rock lately. I think it's just sort of reminding me to be free, to be young, to be passionate, to be careless and responsible, to take joy, and to love that I'm the strong-emotion-feeling vibrant young woman that I am.

Yesterday I spent the day with two of my good friends, meeting up for coffee at one of my favorite haunts right now in Denver, Paris on the Platte. I've become an avid coffee-shop-goer. again..well always have been but now that I live in Denver 2/3's of the week I can actually partake in my love of LOCAL coffee shops. I refuse to support Starbucks if at all avoidable, especially because it's a nationwide money-guzzling cookie-cutter corporation and doesn't have the raw, genuine, come-as-you-are atmosphere of local coffee shops. Call me hipster or granola. I'd rather support those around me, those who are themselves, and the thriving atmosphere of a hole-in-the-wall coffee shop than a giant corporation who sucks us into some sort of definition of what it means to be a coffee drinker. I love seeing the people who come in and out of local coffee shops, the flaming and uninhibited personalities, as opposed to the stuffy image-driven people who haunt Starbucks, Caribou Coffee, and Dazbog. Not to mention, I love when the person behind the counter at Starry Night accidentally scorches my soy latte or the gentleman at Wild Boar recommends his favorite concoction of chai and doesn't charge me extra for the mixture of three different chais...and then proceeds to make a beautiful art picture in my foam! I just love the feel of something unique and genuine.

We met up, had some coffee (and I divulged in a delicious bagel and Noosa yogurt) for breakfast and then headed to go wander through Taste of Colorado. It was fun to frolick and admire some of the workmanship of vendors in Colorado and different things they make/create. Once done we headed to go walk the 16th Street Mall, in search of something to drink. We happened into Starbucks so they could get some iced teas (I simply got a cup of free water) and then sat down to people watch. One of my all-time favorite pastimes!! We somehow got onto the conversation of how we define each other. Sheree is the dramatic party rock girl. Britt is the typical girl-next-door, minus her sexual prowess. And me, well I don't know how to describe myself. I asked them what I was...and after a few seconds I was defined as the "happy, free and wild spirited, traveling, adventurous, laughing, care-free, slightly hippy girl".

I'll take it!!

I posted the above song lyric as my facebook status (because I refuse to actually post where I'm at, what I'm doing, or anything revolving drama, feelings, etc as a status...I just stick to uplifting quotes, random song lyrics, or occasional happy big-life updates), and Britt's response "I love this. It's so you :-)".

I think it is so me. I love people, I love life. I love love. I love wearing my comfy jeans, being laid-back. I don't ever want to strictly fit into a mold. I love being happy and making life more positive and fun for others. And I have a wild, adventurous heart. I don't wish to ever change that! Rather find someone who's just the same who wants to experience life alongside of me.

Hmmm....let's see what God has in store for life in the next few months...and where I'm at emotionally, mentally, physically, etc....

Until then, I'll get back to listening to wonderful music, drinking my chai, diving into the world of bioethics, reading, and dreaming of the days that I can frolick this earth experiencing all the wonderful people and places in it :-)

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Fall Already?!?!

Fall is already upon us and I can't believe it...where did the summer go?!?!

For various reasons I haven't been able to even relish in summer this year. Between work (thank you Lord for my job, really!!), homework (I took my two religious classes - prereqs for Regis' accelerated program), and taking care of miniGrams, I didn't have a chance to relish in my summer. In fact, I only spent two hours by the weird for me in summer time. I didn't get to spend time outside until the past couple weeks and get a tan, instead I am only one shade darker than my normal white self. And I didn't get to go do most of the things I planned.

I got to go to Portland, which I am SO thankful I got to go!! I needed the time off and enjoyed my time off. But I didn't get to spend time outside, didn't get to go on my hikes, didn't get to hike any 14ers, and didn't get to go to the lake. Sad day. But the Lord had other plans.

And it all paid off, in a way. I got into Regis!!

Now I'm left wondering where the summer went?!?!

Almost upon us is the time of pumpkin spice lattes (oh HELLS yeah to that one!), crunchy leaves, the colors of fall, and eventually some snow. I almost resent snow already being so close upon us. But it's my goal this winter, before the chaos of nursing school, to get on that damn snowboard and hit the mountains!! Even if only once!!

Nursing school will be my life starting Jan 9th so I'm sort of planning all of my "living" for before then as I won't be able to even think for quite awhile once I start school. Eleven-and-a-half months of pure chaos and hardwork are about to ensue.

I'm excited, anxious, nervous, scared, relieved, stressed, and unbearably enthralled for this!!

So with that, here is a list of things I hope to cram into the next four months!!

1. Go camping once
2. Go snowboarding (at least once)
3. Visit the art museum (again)
4. Nail down where all the local coffee shops are
5. Figure out the best bookstores to study in
6. Find a way to pay for nursing school
7. Ride my bike as much as possible (and find a place to live in Denver)
8. Spend the holidays with all of my family (as I won't get to really see anyone next year with the exception of 3 weeks) *won't happen, I got assigned to all the holidays*
9. Go for a hike on one of my days off
10. Create a goal list for the year after nursing school
11. Start scoping out hospitals to work at
12. Plan a trip back to Portland for 2012
13. Enjoy as many lattes as possible.
14. Invest in a hardy coffee pot
15. Enjoy every lazy morning that I get the chance to sleep in and NOT feel guilty

I'm wondering if I can actually get everything on this list accomplished. I DO have four months but really, four months flies by SOO fast!!

Relishing in the last days of summer....