Wednesday, March 30, 2011

New(est) Job

Well I got yet another job!!

This one, however, will be full-time and includes benefits! It doesn't have the biggest starting base pay but I got the job through some networking!! So basically I got hired in a hospital (finally!) without having any hospital experience...thanks to networking...which seems to really be the only way anyone can gets jobs anymore.

I'm pretty excited. I will be a Healthcare Technician in the CCMF department (Correction Care Medical Facility Department). Which yes, is the unit that houses prisoners from the jail! I will be trained mostly as a clerk but since I have my CNA & Phlebotomy licensures I will also rotate around as a healthcare technician when they need help on the floor or an extra set of hands. So basically I'll be wearing several different "caps" as far as my job goes.

I'm pretty excited! Not the unit I would see myself working in but it's going to be an adventure none-the-less :-) And it's a step in getting my foot in the door. Not to mention it's full-time (3x12hr shifts a week) and will include benefits...which will be nice to be able to go to the eye doctor and the dentist without paying full-price for their services...which is something I can't afford that thus have not been to the eye doctor or dentist in a year. It's also amazing how long I can make contacts last that should have only lasted me three months....

I'll be able to pay all my bills and work down this credit card debt I have acquired in the last year...which will be really nice. Thout I still can't afford to move out, it will help me to pay for a couple classes I need to take this summer and next fall.

SPEAKING of which...I got a rejection letter from Regis University...BUT their department called me and told me the logistics of why I didn't get in, said that I need to apply for the accelerated program that will start in January. They were actually going to offer me a spot in the accelerated program that starts in May (as in a month from now) but I have three prereq classes for their program I have to get done first....two religious study courses and a health ethics course. But they said I'm a great candidate and basically they want me! So it sounds like hopefully nursing school is a go in January :-)

I have faith the Lord will provide. It's all sorta crazy and I'm going to have to work really hard but I think that's what the Lord wants me to do anyway :-)

Sunday, March 20, 2011


"I realize you have no other reason to trust me but a choice. It's up to you to decide. I'm broke, I'm wrecked, I can no longer maintain the pride or the arrogance. I lost you a long time ago. You're not someone to keep. You need to be free. Just a coincidence at circumstance and happenstance. Is it fate? or does it matter? You'll think what you think, trust at the brink and it all comes down to the choice. Silence."

Last night was a crazy and emotional night for me. With my heart being so guarded, I have known for awhile that dating is just not an area I'm comfortable or ready for....not after the destruction of Britton. I am so guarded in so many ways. And I hate it on some levels, but it's so instinctual. And GOOD for me right now.

With that I asked PH, who has feelings for me, to not show up to where I would be last night, as I needed space and time with my friends. I literally needed that time, to be me, and let go of the week behind in which I had worked my whole week away, from morning until night. I needed to laugh and be free. Well it so happens that in the middle of The Evening Edition's set, I spotted them.

Of course I was pissed. My night, which had started off so wonderfully, came shattering down around me like a million pieces. I had gotten one of my besties to finally come out with us again after months of not really hanging out. The Evening Edition was up. A had a little alcohol for a buzz, and I was there for the moment. Until that one glimpse brought me shattering back to all guards being up and my "night of freedom" coming to a halt. Even Britt and Sheree saw in my eyes how pissed and hurt I was.

So I tried to still have a good night, keeping my distance and space, probably hurting PH, but really....what else could I do?! Throw a hissy and be completely pissed. Nope, stolen gulps of beer and laughing and inappropriate comments from the mouths of high school elite's past, I tried to salvage my night.

And then PH pulled me aside after all the bands' sets and handed me a napkin with the above on it and asked if I believed that him showing up for a night of live music was merely coincidental (meaning he didn't know that THIS bar was exactly where I'd be).

I don't know how to answer that. It's a huge coincidence....and one that if it really is a coincidence fell on the one night I told him I needed space. And there he was. And there he was all night, not even heading out to let me continue to have my night of space. I can trust him at his word, which I do on one hand. But on the other hand, the circumstances don't allow me to really trust the whole evening very well.

Especially with how it ended.

And with how it ended, I walked. I walked away, down the sidewalk, to my car in which my two best friends were waiting in. In which another drama unfolded, that (not) surprisingly enough, involved trust issues from someone else.

But is trust really a CHOICE for me right now?

I have come to realize since Britton, trusting men has become near impossible for me....especially men in any sort of romantic way. My walls are up, my guards are on duty. I'm not sure I can fully trust a man even if I wanted to. But is it really a choice for me right now? Or was that choice taken away when I was left with the scars from the destruction Britton laid upon my heart?

I'm not so sure right now trust is a choice for me at all, rather it's something I'm not sure I am capable of completely anymore.

Ironic....coming from the girl who trusted Britton so fully and willingly from the get-go. And has a nasty little habit of trusting people until she's hurt.

But have I finally learned my lesson, only to allow it to lead me to the other side of the spectrum?

I miss this part of my old self...the trusting part.

Damn you Britton.

I find mind dwelling on the image burned in my brain from last night....the drama, the emotional escapade that ensued, and me walking away....the image of the lampposts shedding dull light onto the sidewalk of the streets of Larimer as I concentrated on the cracks and wear-and-tear I could see. Imbedded in my mind is the image of walking away from so many things representing my past, my present, my future, my fears and my doubts....and I simply walked away. I couldn't handle them at that moment. So I do what I do best...I slip quietly into the darkness without another word.

When did I become the girl to run?! I can tell you when....when life's emotions and trials became a little too much for me to bear.

But will I always be the girl walking away out of fear, anger, resentment, frustration, emotional threshold?! Or will I learn to overcome that and stand up to it face to face?!

Is trusting others really a choice right now?! Deep in my heart, unfortunately and heartbreakingly, I know the answer is no, I cannot trust most people right now....

And it makes me cry that my life has left me in this spot....that my heart is this hurt and broken that I realize this about myself....

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Song of Songs

Yesterday I was substitute teaching science for my former FCA teacher at the high school...and it's one of my favorite classrooms to come back to. For one, I love Sando. I've always looked up to him and respected him. On top of that, I really enjoy high schoolers, and the more "grown-up" atmosphere of the students as opposed to young kids (though I enjoy the laughs and optimism that comes with working with grade-schoolers). But what I also enjoy, is getting to be in a classroom where I have the freedom to read my bible, and see the mountains through the bay windows, and play Christian music quietly on the speakers on the computer. It't quite enjoyable and uplifting to me.

So yesterday, while the students were working on their worksheets, with Casting Crowns streaming quietly in the background of my little computer area, I had my bible propped open and was reading on several topics (suggested readings that went with each topic) that I found in the FCA materials on one of his shelves.

Among the various topics that I was looking up suggested passages was that on relationships, of all sorts, but most specifically romantic relationships. Among some of the passages that were mentioned was Song of Songs. I have never heard of this book of the bible before, and it sort of makes sense as it is a mere very short eight chapters. And on top of that it is a very brazen love song. Not something I would have thought was in the bible but was very encouraging that such a bold love song is part of the intimacy of our bible.

However a couple verses struck me.

The first: "Set me as a seal on your heart, as a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death; ardent love is as unrelenting as Sheol. Love flames are fiery flames - the fiercest of all. Mighty rivers cannot extinguish love; rivers cannot sweep it away..." [Song of Songs 8:6-7]

The intensity of this love song is so powerful. Not only because I desire this sort of romantic love...but also because it's the sort of love that God has for us. Most times we picture our love from the Lord as that of a father to a child, which it is, and that of a friend to a friend, which it is. BUT it's also a very passionate, intense romantic love from our Lover to ourselves!! How amazing that my God is my Father (Protector, Providor, Counselor), my best Friend, AND my Lover!! SO cool.

However, one of the issues closest to my heart is that my heart is so guarded. The thought of romantic love is always appealing but I push away from it. Sometimes I feel that I might be wrong in this as everyone else my age seems to be mature enough to handle this part of life whereas right now I feel it's something I can't bear. Everyone else WANTS to be a girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, wife/mother, husband/father and is doing so. Me...well I'm not there yet. But I took a lot of peace in this next verse.

"His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me. Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time."
[Song of Songs 8:3-4]

This warning is given several times among the intense love that the lovers in this lvoe song are singing to each other. But what a wonderful whisper the Lord gave me yesterday. I DO NOT need to awaken love before it is appropriate and right now, it just isn't appropriate or desired for my life. My God has something else planned for me and until the time when love is meant to be part of my life, I need not worry about it!

There were a great many passages that spoke to my heart but this one was the one that I think the Lord meant for me to hear most. Speaking directly to a part of my heart that I have been worrying over, He soothed my worries.

And wouldn't you know it, the next couple of verses I looked up told me not to worry! He handed Luke 12:22-34 which starts as this "...Therefore I tell you, don't worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they don't sow or reap; they don't have a storeroom or a bar; yet God feeds them. Aren't you worth much more than the birds? Can any of you add a cubit to his height by worrying? If then you are not able to do even a little thing, why worry about the rest?..."

Such wonderful verses when I needed them yesterday :-)

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Don't be a Drag, Be a Queen

Nothing feels better than simply getting back to who you are and what makes you happy!!

I spent the morning dancing in my bathroom to Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"...and all I could think is "hell yes, I AM on the right track!"

I'm on the right track baby, I was born to be brave :-)

I am so confident in being single, being myself, and being happy right now. I have an amazing God who accepts and loves me exactly for who I am, where I am, no matter my past.

So here's to the Lord, to great friends, to sunshine and to being young and having the power to influence my own life positively!!

Don't be a drag, just be a queen. [Lady Gaga]