Sunday, November 22, 2009

Currently reading

The Kite Runner

It really puts into perspective the turmoil and the turbulence that happens in that area of the world. It's distressing. I've had to stop reading the book halfway through much like I had to stop reading A Thousand Splendid Suns halfway through, because I just get so pisses off at how unfair life seems to work out.

But then there's always a story of redemption.

Next on my to-read list is Three Cups of Tea and then after that is a light reading book called My Horizontal Life.

There's been a lot of putting into perspective of my life lately....but it also seems to make me even more restless. I'm doubting have a purpose and questioning what my purpose is. Is it really to love others with my whole heart?! Or am I missing another purpose?!

I emailed The Children's Hospital today to learn how to become a blood donor and then I'm attending a meeting to sign up to become a bone marrow donor. And then I'm volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission on the 18th. I need a purpose to my life, I need something to do. I need to feel worthy and like I'm making a difference.

Right now my life has no meaning, no foundation, no least in my opinion. Life is not what I want or need it to be right now. I don't know if it's growing pains, not having enough faith, or simply I'm paying my dues in life. All I know is I can't wait to have a little bit of tranquility and happiness back in my life.

Maybe I'm looking for it in all the wrong places.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Making A Difference

The entire reason we are alive is to make a difference of some sort. Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of this when we get to wrapped up in ourselves.

But I do have to say making a difference, in even the smallest way, is one of the greatest feelings ever that can leave one so incredily marked in a good way.

Working with Ethan these past few days have been amazing. I only get to work with him for three hours, four days a week, but that week it meant nine hours of me being one-on-one with him.

Ethan is in wheelchair bound and "non-verbal". He eats out of a feeding tube though he can chew and swallow and though he is four years old still wears diapers.

Cerebral palsy is hard to explain. It's like autism in that it encompasses a wide range of muscle problems and is caused by such a huge array of things that it's hard to explain but it affects the muscles and is caused by impairments in the brain via the nerves.

But Ethan is amazing to work with. He can't talk but he's so smart, when he gives choices. And he "talks" to us, he "talks" to me. He uses it via his eyes and his smiles. If something is a yes or desired, guess what.....there's an amazingly huge smile bestowed upon you. If it's a no or not desired, then no smile!!

On tuesday I got to start working with him one-on-one when Diane wasn't there and I had no choice but to learn hands-on how to exactly lift him and transfer him and change him, etc.

Since then I love working with him. I love being the one who gets to help him express.

Yesterday we had our Thanksgiving feast in which the kids got to help us "cook" some corn, instant mashed taters and instant gravy and then we made turkey & cheese kabobs with lunch meat and cheese. We had sparkling cider and store-bought cornbread and I baked a couple pumpkin pies.

On tuesday Ethan worked his heart out wanting to stand all day long (which is quite the exercise for him) and then also playing catch with a soft OT ball for him. On Wednesday he had OT with Mrs. Jenn who made him walk all the way down the hall and he played catch. So needless to say on Thursday he was really tired. It was very apparent that he was exhausted as he didn't have a desire to really stand at all and his little face just looked so worn out.

So it didn't surprise me when he told me through giving him choices that he wanted to sit. However, he was VERY adament that he wanted to sit either in my lap or in the chairs like the other kids and NOT in his wheelchair. His little eyes basically frowned at the picture of the wheelchair when I gave him that choice. So I sat behind him and held him like a seatbelt in the chair so he could eat with the other kids and participate in the activities or in my lap if we were down on the floor. He loved it!!! It made him so happy to sit with the other kids for the first time since I've been there rather than in his wheelchair. He loved being able to have that option!!!

But honestly, the whole point of me pouring this out is coming up. Before snack time or eating in this case, we always have to wash our hands. Because Mrs. Diane was usually with him and Kendall and myself and the other para were busy with our other 15 students, he usually stayed in his wheelchair and he never went to the bathroom to wash his hands. Basically it was because I'm not as good at the routine of everything like the others are so if Mrs. Diane or Mrs. Kendall was with him, they were still needed to help as we have 15 very energetic kids with their own issues. But as I (the least routinely-adapted one) was with him, I found I wasn't really needed too much as they are able to handle it. So I decided to start making it my goal to helping Ethan to do whatever the other kids are, because it's apparent that he wants to be normal just like them. So I suggested to Kendall that we put some soap in his hands and I would carry him to the bathroom and support him while the other para helped to rinse his hands in the sink. So we did it!!

And the excitement on Ethan's hands from being able to wash his hands like his classmates was the best part of my entire day yesterday!!! I got to make him so happy by simply helping him to wash his hands like the other kids. I did a simple act but made such a huge difference in his life yesterday by simply sacrificing myself to help him wash his hands and then sit in a chair like the other kids.

It was great to do such a small simple selfless thing that can really make such a huge difference in someone else's day.

That's the point of life and what I love to live for, helping others to make a difference in their life :)

Not to mention his little smile is so incredibly worth it!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


The past couple days have been long, hard, exhausting.....yet so completely rewarding. I think it's been a lot about some mindset. But also about what's been going on.

I have huge qualms with my life but I also am able to see the blessings and beauty all the time. I just choose to vent about the negative a lot. But seriously there is beauty in every single day that I enjoy!!

Sunday was my day "off" though I spent six hours still at work helping to digitize chenelle for my parents. But before then I went to Michael's to get the stuff to work on the birthday present for Britt, which basically set me up to start my week off well with getting to do something creative. Then I got to "create" while digitizing, though it's not anything creative in my opinion.

But yesterday, I just woke up in a great mood. I went into work smiling and singing and it set me up for a great day with my kids. My days are not without hardships. Our afternoon class especially is just extremely hard and exhausting between the sheer amount of needs coming from 16 kids who have special needs of varying extremes and the amount of energy these particular 16 children possess. However, Diane, Kendall and I are now becoming a more well-oiled machine and it makes the day manageable. We laugh and joke and have figured out our own little dance of working together. We sitll face kinks and whatnot but it makes work enjoyable.

I've also found keeping a steady supply of caffeine (via coffee, espresso, or soda) seems to help sufficiently.

And then today Diane had to take her mom to the hospital. So her position had a sub and then our afternoon para is a new hire. We have two kids who require absolute one-on-one at all times. Ethan has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair-bound, nonverbal and Maddy is a three-year-old who functions at the level of an eleven-month-old. (Did I mention she doesn't take to strangers at all meaning she has to work with either Kendall myself or Diane) And this week Maddy is being a turkey and only wants to listen to Kendall. But because of all the logistics I worked with Ethan today as only Kendall and myself are trained on how to move and hold Ethan and Kendall needed to lead the class.

It was my first day of really handling Ethan as far as holding him for longer amounts of time, carrying him, changing him, etc. And today was one of his strong days for his muscles, and one of the days that he just really wanted to stand.....requiring extra amounts of physical strength than normal from any caregiver working with him. It was a good day but exhausting. Yet so completely rewarding. This little human being was reliant upon me for everything and I felt I had to be on my A-game the whole day but he was so content and so happy and did so well with the speech therapist and even though at first I was unsure and uncomfortable with handling him, being thrown in allowed me the chance to get comfortable and learn what works for me. It was challenging!! And I enjoyed that :)

And my phlebotomy class is going well :) I mean I don't feel confident to poke anyone without a preceptor watching me but I enjoy it, it's challenging, and I'm learning and I'm pretty good at what I've done so far (even though I've hit a few glitches). It just feels good to be challenged.

Life is about perspective. I've been bitching and moaning but there is so much beauty to my life even though it's not going the way I want it to. I have so many blessings I need to be thankful for and I can find so many rewards if I just look aorund.

Did I mention my favorite kid Patrick is learning how to hug (sounds like something you would normally know how to do but he's having to learn it) and today he came up to me while I was down at his level, said hi, put his head on my chest and his arms on my arms.....that's the closest I've come to a full hug from him and it felt wonderful. I live for those little moments right now.

They might be the most effective form of birth control ever but it doesn't mean they don't still all hold a special place in my heart!! Love love love those kids.

I just need a little bit of perspective every once in awhile :)

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My Truth About Marriage

Britt and I had a wonderful conversation last Sunday over coffee and I again had a similar conversation about marriage with a co-worker wednesday during lunch.

My truth about marriage: I'm not close to being ready for it.

But let me explain that. I'm ready for my life. I'm ready for anything God throws my way. I am ready for children and marriage in terms of I can tackle the responsibility and I will make an amazing mother and wife in terms that I will love being both unconditional.

But marriage and having children sorta scares me. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to settle down and embark on that adventure, because I feel like I have so many other adventures that need to be had first.

My mom said that when the right one comes along my mind will change, but I feel like if the right one comes along they will understand that I'm not ready to be married within the next year of my life.

There's just too much up in the air and too much transition going on at the moment for me to picture myself at that point.

But it's odd. Everyone around my age seems to be settling down. I love it and support it and envy it at times, if it's what's in their best interest. But at the same time I can't imagine myself being married.

Eric and I were talking semi sorta about it the other day and he was joking around about me not being ready for marriage in one sense and he asked me this question: what would you do if I asked you to marry me?!

Honestly here's what popped into my head. My first thought was that I would be absolutely shocked and astonished as the Eric and I are not even boyfriend/girlfriend. We are dating but without the title of dating. I think we consider ourselves sorta single but sorta committed to each other. But Eric, who is afraid of love and commitment, wow that would honestly shock the hell out of me and be one of the most unexpected things I could imagine.
My second thought was that it freaks me out that I can actually see myself marrying him. Not anytime soon. But whenever anyone has talked about marriage I have never been able to picture it. Even after being with Scott for two years, when I thought of my wedding day I could never ever picture Scott at the alter. I couldn't picture my wedding day in fact. For the first time, I can picture having a wedding day (it's a very hazy picture....we'll put it that way, since it's a very new thought) and I can actually see Eric standing at the alter. Um okay, yeah that freaks the hell out of me that for once I can picture that. It freaks me out that I know I care about him enough that I can see that, because I'm not sure if he cares about me in the same way or not. And it freaks me out that I can actually picture myself getting married. It's a very new development in my life.
The last thought was that while I would be so thrilled and so honored, I would have to tell him that until I can get more of my life on more "solid" foundation, I can't tell him yes no matter how much I would want to.

It just dawns on me that right now, no matter how much I long to love and be loved in return in a romantic way, whoever it was that loved me enough to want to marry me would have to understand I am simply just not ready. And I think it's a good thing that I know I'm not ready.

I'm not even living in my own place stable enough to support myself consistently. I wouldn't want to get married and have someone else support me. I want to know that I am sufficient at taking care of myself first.

I support marriage for anyone my age who is ready for it. In all honesty, I'm in awe because I feel like they possess some sort of foundation or stability that I don't but at the same time I'm not envious.

I am ready to commit myself to someone if the I feel it is the person I am supposed to, just not in a legally forever binding sort of manner.

I also realized just how important marriage is to me. I've always known that marriage is an absolutely huge step for me. I believe in a forever sort of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want to ever put myself, my family nor my future (still undecided about) children through that sort of trauma. Marriage is a one-time sort of deal for me. It's sacred and holy, and once I'm married that's it. That's the person I devote myself to forever.

That's another thing I've become very comforted about lately as well. I was thinking about this last week. On one hand it really bugs me that Eric and I date but we aren't dating. He's not my boyfriend, I'm not his girlfriend. Yet we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do other than the commitment and some obligations of being that for each other. But on the other hand I got to thinking, we aren't labeled sure, which makes me uneasy with how I know I feel about him. But on the other hand we are committed to each other. We only date each other, only make love to each other, and seek out each other's company. It sounds silly but I love that he texts me about his car whenever a new thing is going on with it. He loves his car. So naturally I love that he gets excited to tell me about it. It's sort of a man's odd way of showing that he cares about you....he includes you in the things that he likes. And I like to think that he likes to hear about whatever it is I'm interested in. In a very odd way, we are committed in one way to each other, in an unspoken way that as long as we are "talking" that no one else is being included in the picture.

He did tell me the other night I can "keep" him.

I think he's coming around. I think his heart is slowly mending.

Even if we don't end up together, as long as he learns that it's ok to love and can love someone else one day, then it's all worth it.

Yes I am crazy, trust me my friends remind me of it every day but what the hell, I'm a crazy sort of person that really sees something in Eric. It beats the hell out of me sometimes but there's something there. I just keep giving him chances.

Anywho, that's my truth about marriage currently.

Much respect to those that are ready to get married and have kids, you possess something I currently doing. I think it's commonly referred to as a biological clock. Does that mean I don't have one or simply mine is currently on pause?!

Newest project

I went to the store and got an unfinished photo frame and wood cutouts to make a photo frame for my bestie Britt for her birthday coming up. I also got some acrylic paint on clearance and have been sitting here working on the photo frame.

I love it!! I get to mix one love of photography with my love of creating feels really good to me right now. Just very refreshing and very calming for me right now.

I know it's not a huge thing but to me it's very therapeutic and something that allows me to express myself in one way.

I think it's going to lead to other creative projects....just a feeling.

Oh and I bought stuff to start making Christmas cards!!! Seriously, I got just a little too excited :)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Truth: It's the littlest things that make me happy.

I got new tires on my car and now it doesn't wobble. Really, it doesn't wobble, it rides smooth!! She feels smooth as a baby's bottom and it's been the first time in a very long time.

I got five sticks in phlebotomy class on thursday and I got them all. Got them all easily, which felt good after missing all three times the evening before. Then again I did have a very hard guy to draw from. But still, it shook my confidence pretty badly.

I have a few new books that I checked out from the library and I can't wait to read them. I have two of the postsecret books, The Kite Runner and Three Cups of Tea. I love getting lost in books every once in awhile, escaping my mind.

Truth: I worked nine hours yesterday without interacting with children and it was a great change. I seriously worked the whole day but it felt good. It was a good change of pace and I got SO much accomplished!!

Today I have a ton of errands to run but I think I'm also going to take some "me" time and go wander around a little bit and be by myself. I think I need it. Without working, without obligations, without errands. Just a little bit of me time.

I want to get out and explore but it's freezing outside. The only downfall to winter. I hate being cold.

Oh well, I'll go get some hot cocoa and then after that I have no idea what I'll do.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Secret: I took the afternoon off of work today because I'm getting so burnt out.

Working two jobs and taking this phlebotomy class is turning out to eat up ALL my time....I don't know how I could do this much longer than 2 1/2 months. It's craziness. But I need the extra money and I need the base money and I need to be doing something or otherwise I'd totally be hating where I'm at with life.

I wish someone would have told me just how hard and un-content I would be the year after college. Seriously, I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at all. I'm not in a place that feels comfortable, nor familiar. And honestly, I don't WANT to be here.

Where are all the goofy, motivated, driven, passionate people I interacted with?! Oh yeah, they are all still at CSU or in another place with people who are like that. Me, I'm in Brighton. I COULD move away but I don't feel I have enough of a foundation to do that quite yet. I just want out of here though. Now I realize why I left. This place has no opportunities for me nor anything that I like, want or care about.

Secret: The only reason I'm going to take my job full-time is I totally need the great health benefits stat. I NEED to go to the dentist, I NEED to get my eyes checked and new glasses, I NEED to get my perscription birth control. I can't afford to not have it currently. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year, haven't had my glasses perscription changed in three years, and am not on birth control right now because I simply can't afford to pay for any of it without awesome health insurance. I have crappy health insurance right now but can't really do anything with it.

I love the kids but I'm already getting burnt out. It doesn't hold the passion or excitement I so desperately need right now. It's just a means to an end and it reminds me why I didn't just settle for sucking it up and staying in Colorado Springs to finish my nursing degree. I'm miserable here. I don't know how to function in a place with people I can't really relate to who don't have the same outlook on life as me.

I need some excitement in my life. Not bad excitement, healthy excitement. Like a friend who will take to learning to hit the slopes with me, who I can live with and who also believes in recycling. I need someone who enjoys getting lost in a bookstore as much as I do and staying up until 2am dancing and rocking out in the kitchen full-throttle. I need someone who can go shopping with me and encourages me to get the craziest thing in the store and rock it with my inner confidence I'm always able to pull up for things like that. I want someone who can laugh and joke with me, and who I can come through the door complaining to high heaven and they run to get the goldfish and citrus drop to listen to my rant, and then tell me how dumb I'm being but how I can do this or that to move forward.

I had all of that last year and it's gone. All of it. My entire comfort and place in life that I had finally found has been stripped away little by little and I absolutely hate it. I know I have to move forward but last year I finally in 21 years found my place in life, a place I was comfortable and understood. I want that back. I feel really naked and lost without it.

Ok enough grumbling.

Truth: I want to go on an adventure, who wants to go with me and where will we go?!

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Friday Night Lights Quote

This was part of Tyra's essay for her entrance into college at the end of the third season. It spoke to me.

"Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything. I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure. But now I find I can't stop wanting. I want to fly somewhere on first class. I want to travel to Europe on a business trip. I want to get invited to the White House. I want to learn about the world. I want to surprise myself. I want to be important. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to define myself instead of having others define me. I want to win and have people be happy for me. I want to lose and get over it. I want to not be afraid of the unknown. I want to grow up and be generous and big hearted, the way people have been with me. I want an interesting and surprising life. It's not that I think I'm going to get all these things, I just want the possibility of getting them. College represents possibility. The possibility that things are going to change. I can't wait."

I want a lot of things.....things that aren't necessarily material but are goals and dreams and opportunities.

I can't wait. And I openly welcome whatever brings possibilities my way.

I heart

Friday Night Lights!!!

As in the tv show....I just got done watching season three and honestly it's the best tv show around :) There's nothing that can compare to it.

I'd love to have a Tim Riggins in my life. He has the badboy edge but he's a sweetie down underneath it. He has heart and is a leader when needed. He loves and supports those around him and lets them know that. He's scared of failure but steps up to the plate. Oh goodness.

I went and watched my dad coach his last football game of the season this afternoon. It was fun watching him; I realized that I stand exactly like him a good majority of the time. I get a lot of my mannerisms from him. But I also found I get a lot of passion from him. My dad's passion focuses around God, family and football. I have those same passions but also much more. But it's goood to see that my passion derives from somewhere though I'm not quite sure he is as passionate as I am. At one point in his life, when he was younger and had more energy I'm sure he did. But right now his energy has waned just a tad....but it was encouraging to see that in him.

I've found my serenity as of late has been the library or a bookstore. I just find a weird peace there, like I can escape my troubles. I'm actually there right now. I can fly and be myself.

I have to get new tires on my car.....ugh. My parents are paying for it and I feel bad. I feel like I should be able to pay for it on my own but I can't afford it right now.

In some ways the year after you graduate just really sucks. But I keep holding onto faith that sometime in the next few years my life will somehow begin to make more sense and to become less turbulent. But at the same time I have a huge fear of it becoming monotonous and boring.

I don't understand how people my age are able to settle down and get married and have kids. My mom says it's about finding the right person. But I feel like I would get bored and feel stiffled at this point in my life. I feel like I'm odd because I just don't have a desire for that anytime soon.....but I guess that also comes with realizing that I'm nowhere near a point emotionally, financially and physically that it would be suitable for that to happen. I guess it just makes me again feel like the oddball out that I'm oddly enough one of very few people my age who don't even desire that nor begin to think about it. I guess it does require first require dating someone....and that's not happening in my life probably any time soon!!

Oh man, ranting again, I just have so many thoughts and everything has been running through my mind wildly all week. I'm verbally puking again. I guess that's what happens when you start to feel like life isn't going the way you would want it to at the moment. And when you start really starting to think about your future and getting to where you want.

First step: get into nursing school. I really hope I make the first round picks. I'll find out at the end of this month. Crossing my fingers....

Friday, November 06, 2009

Bills Bills Bills

I hate bills....officially....seriously.

And credit cards.

Actually I love credit cards, I hate having to pay back the money.

And I'm not a fan of paying back student loans so quickly, at least not in this economy where it's so hard to get a job. They expect me to be able to pay back almost $100/month six months after graduation. Are they nuts?!

Is it the end of the month yet?! I just need to get paid already....

On a good note: if I can lose six pounds by the end of the month and my paycheck comes back big enough, I'm going to treat myself to a shirt dress at pacsun I've fallen in love with.

Maybe that sort of thing is the reason I'm broke....

Running Rampid

Today my dad starts training me on the chanelle machine. I'm getting hours (YAY) at the expense of doing things I need to do or even just having a bit of rest time (NAY). It will be good though....when I have that paycheck in hand it will all be good. That's what I keep telling myself.

I hope those whose parents pay for any part of their lives realize how lucky they are. Granted I'm lucky to be living for free, money-wise. But not free in terms of happiness. Ugh I just don't like not living with people my age, it's a huge kicker for me.

Need to stop complaining. This week has been crazy busy. I haven't even had much time to work out except once. This morning I had to clean my room which I exploded this past week. Now I have to get a shower and then go re-register my car. Then I'm being trained. I literally get home from work and class and fall fast asleep, without any warning. I've been going to bed at 9pm. I feel like SUCH an old granny!!!

However, one plus is I'm getting a lot better at drawing blood!! I love my class, well the lab part the best. It means I actually get to stick people :) I did four sticks last night and was successful on all four, only one having to readjust the needle more than was quite poke and then see that blood!!! And all my people's told me it didn't hurt hardly at all other than the EMT student who said she had felt it when I poked her hand. Not surprising, there are a LOT more nerves on your hand. So far I have 10 successful sticks, and I think I had four unsuccessful ones but I didn't document them. YEAH!!!

I'm worried about one of my besties. She's living with her bf who I don't like, who has cheated on her. Thursday, me and another friend of hers were over at their apartment lifting her spirits while he was out of town. And then he's back and she's happy that he's hinting at proposing to really?! I'm reckless as all get out with my heart, but I don't want to see my friends do the same. They deserve ONLY the best and she's settling for a guy who treats her like crap. I've even told her this, told her I think she needs to get out of the relationship but I can't make any decisions for her. I also sound a bit like a hypocrite when I'm over here in whatever the hell situation is going on between Eric and I and I can't walk away from it because I love him.

Love is blind and love is tricky. This I've learned.

I'm scared though. Scared Eric will even read what I'm writing right now and take it the wrong way. But I'm in love with him. I can't deny it. And it's been hitting me so bad lately. Like this morning, I was going through my sock drawer mating up the mismatched socks when I found the ticket to the Rockies game from 4th of July. We were still together at that point and heavens knows how that ticket ended up in my sock drawer but just the intense feelings that washed over me literally knocked the breath out of me. I love him. And I'm not sure if he loves me back. It's stupid really, I should be able to say "forget this" but I've never dealt with these feelings before. And it scares me. It scares me that I'm most likely setting myself up for failure.....unless by some miraculous reason Eric decides he loves me back and realizes what I'm worth.

Why is it that women know we deserve a-maz-ing and then we settle for less?! Why do I settle for Eric's wishy-washy attitude towards dating?! Because I love him. Because I think he's worth it, because I see something in him. I just am afraid I will be disappointed in the end. I have so many guards up but they still can't contain the intensity of my feelings towards Eric. But I've realized I do what I do best.....I ignore my own feelings and am there for others.

I've gotten really good at ignoring my feelings since my freshman year, since the entire Joe incident. That's the only way I could deal. To shut off my feelings of getting hurt as much as possible. Since then I've learned that I feel things rather intensely and I've learned to navigate when to let that passion explode and when to rein it in. I've also found that when I can't let my feelings be expressed the way I want them to, that I simply ignore them.

Ignorance is bliss, right?! Not always. But it works a good percentage of the time. I don't have to be too hurt by Eric if I ignore my feelings of love for him. But then again I can't control ignoring them when I go to bed at night......that's when all my insecurities and all my true feelings for Eric mold into one "sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare" as Beyonce so graciously puts it.

I have gotten really good at ignoring the pain of my family's problems....until I go to sleep. I have gotten really good at ignoring my own insecurities of my life's future....until I go to sleep and then it all becomes expressed in these astoundingly vivid dreams that I can't even begin to describe their depth and the outpouring of emotions that happens.

That's another thing about feeling things way too's somehow connected to my very vivid dreams....the colors, the crazy chaos, the amount of stuff that happens in one singular dream.

Oh my mind is running rampid and now I need to go re-register my car. Shower first, then off to the races. My poor car :( she needs cleaned so badly!! That's one of my things to do this weekend....vacuum her, clean her interior, and then give her a much needed and much deserved wash!!

Thank you trusty steed for getting me everywhere I need to go.....

Goodness I'm a rambler today...

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Pics please

Eamonn and I sharing a PBR and him "figuring out my life" hahaha

Best and much-missed ex-roomie Britt

I have a desire to just drop my life currently and leave and go somewhere else, just get away for a little bit. I wonder if anyone else ever has that same desire. But at the same time I have a desire for what's going on in my life to be intensified....well the good parts anyway. Too bad neither is probably going to happen. I also have a desire to be closer to certain people in my life. Why is life so complicated?! Why aren't there more hours in the day?! Why do I have a constant need to make my life pure chaos?! Albeit I don't ever make it chaos on purpose. Passion plays a part in that. Thank you passion. Also my newfound love of recklessness isn't helping most situations.

I think I'm yearning for something and I can't quite figure out what it is. I found a postsecret the other day while I was at Borders reading and it said this: "I am so scared I will never find what I am looking for because I am a bad looker." I relate to that just a little too much.

But then I also found this one that struck perilously close to the center of my heart: "I want to find someone who will love me after I've shared all my secrets."

Goal for this month: lose six pounds. Seriously, I know life isn't about looks but I just want to my legs to be smokin hott....wonder if they ever will be.

Ugh, I have a long busy day ahead of me again with no rest in sight anytime soon. I started working for my parents again on the side on top of my full-time job at the preschool and then my phlebotomy class. Don't exactly have the time for it but also REALLY need to money.

See life is just complicated. Complicated chaos currently.

Oi vai!!

Ok seriously have a need for a good book and a great photog session.....relaxation, why can't I have you currently?!

Scoliosis flare-up again. Ick my entier back hurts SO bad.....oh well, nice hot showers in the morning to relax my muscles.

Need to workout this afternoon.

Ok brain running a million miles a minute. I need to really I just need to talk, talk, talk, talk and get SO many things out of my head. But no time currently.

Off for my day.

Bonjour and tout a'leure!!!

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Halloween Fun

I'll let you in on a little secret....I absolutely hated feeling as slut-tastic as I did on friday but I also reveled in it. I can't help it, it's my inner rebellion.

I've never been so showy of my legs ever before. I'm curvy in my hip/leg/butt area but I'm learning to flaunt my figure. Therefore, I loved being able to flaunt myself. Don't get me wrong, I really wasn't that slutty. I've just never dressed so revealing before.....other than prancing around in my swimsuit as a lifeguard and swim season. But that was around a group of people who shared the same half-naked love of being a swimmer.....those people saw me every day sans make-up and flattering clothes with my hair in a swim cap and goggles on my eyes....and vice versa me seeing them that way. It was an acceptance of who you were as a person. That's not how society was. So this was a different form of daring for me, though I don't mind prancing around in my swim suit most the time.

But I loved it. I loved pushing the envelope. Hell I love doing that most days anyway. I have a tendency to do it more often than not anymore. But it was fun.

It was great to see Eamonn's band play, to see Britt and Shel no matter how different it was. It was good to be back in FoCo and feel a little bit of the energy I'm used to being in.

If only I could do it more often.

Last night was also fun.....a night of horror movies....oh I love it!! Love love loved it!!

Eric and I went bowling then watched horror was a really good evening for us.

It felt good to feel him caress my head so lovingly for the first time, to spend so much time with him and he WANTED to spend that much time with me. To look in his eyes and again be able to tell he cares for me. His walls are slowly coming down. But at the same time, I revel in knowing that what is going on between us is not serious as of yet....I still have walls up around him.

But I love the time we spend together.....he's being genuine and I couldn't ask for more. It's not perfect but it's real and genuine and that's what I want.

I went to one of my besties house on thursday. Drank a few beers, laughed, bashed on guys....ok Sheree and Britt did the bashing, I did the eating and some of the drinking and was a moral support. I loved being back with on old friend.....she needs me and I love being there for her. I wish I could be there for my friends more often.

Credit dangerous, yet so amazing. Love them and hate them. I freak out about money anymore, all the time, living paycheck to wants go above and beyond my income. I need to work on that. I do pretty well with my money most of the time but these credit cards make it easy to rack a couple hundred dollars back up as soon as I get them paid off.

I desire to live with people my age. I need to. Hopefully within the next year that will happen....I will be able to afford to.

I hear whether I'm accepted in the first round of nursing applicants the end of this month....scary!!!

Ok, I'm headed to Barnes & Noble then Best Buy. I'm going to go read more of A Thousand Splendid Suns.....SUCH a great book that I'm too lazy to buy and the library here doesn't have. Then I have a gift card and I'm getting season three of Friday Night Lights.....oh I can't wait. I heart that dad put a love of football into me in more ways than I want to admit.

Oh well, it's part of me.

I'm slowly becoming more content in various ways....but I wish more of my life was figured out....don't we all?! I just am tired of so much transition, yet I'm reveling in the freedom.

Talk about being a weirdo who doesn't make