Monday, August 31, 2009


"I don't need no love all I need is the DJ"

Sometimes this is SO especially true, mainly in instances where my heart hurts such as now.....but the power of music is amazing!!

Sometimes all I need is a drive in my car with some great music blaring.....actually it's the reason I love driving so much. Call me crazy but I get to jam out the whole way to my destination.

Currently on my repeated play list:

Step One Two by Kaskade
Written on Her by Birdman
One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks
Fallin for You by Colbie Caillat
Outta Control by Baby Bash ft Pitbull
Behind by Flanders
All The Above by Maino
Patron Tequila by Paradiso Girls
Down by Jay Sean
That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings
Last Night in Brooklyn by Innerpartysystem
Hearts Burst Into Fire by Bullet for My Valentine
Glass to the Arson by Anberlin
Get Buck in Here by DJ Felli Fel ft various artists
Riotmaker by Techn9ne
Someone Somewhere by Jason Reeves
My Worst Nightmare & Whoa! (Me vs Everyone) by Forever The Sickest Kids
Breathe In & Tell Me Where You Are by Hit The Lights
Everywhere I Go by The Hollywood Undead
The Antidote by Story of the Year
Imma Star & Birthday Sex by Jeremih
Fast Car by The Dream
Break the Ice by Britney Spears
When I Get Home You're So Dead by Mayday Parade
Hear Me Now by Framing Hanley
All of Colbie Caillat's CoCo album
Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf
Put Your Records )n by Corrine Bailey Raie
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Bounce by The Cab
I Gotta Feeling by The Black-Eyed Peas

Yeah sort of a long playlist but I really love music......and this is just a TINY bit of everything I listen to.

Kind of ridic actually.

On a good note....Benny Benassi is playing Club Beta on October 22nd...Alyssa, Allison and I are going to go dance our asses off and NOT get kicked out this time :)

Tour de Fat is this weekend in FoCo and the following weekend in Denver. Going to both!! Hells yeah!!! Gonna be SO much fun....need to find a CRAZY outfit fo sho though!!

Hmmm....and I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully this iron supplement works. I also got some valerian root to help knock me out tonight so hopefully I get some good restful sleep for tomorrow!!

Newest Dream Fantasy

So in all my dreams for the past month, Eric has played some sort of crucial role. Usually he's running from me or completely ignoring me....I think this is my inward creative expression of my frustrations of everything that has been going on between us.

BUT in this past week, another addition has started taking part in my dreams. Eric's brother Brian has been making frequent appearances in my dreams as of late, usually shirtless.

Both Eric and Brian are very attractive guys. Ok, attractive is an understatement, HOTT is more like it. Anywho, I obviously care about Eric. Eric and Brian are different in quite a few different ways. Eric is more the shier, more timid one who has a more sensitive heart persay. Brian is the more outgoing, cocky, player of the two. Brian is the more bad-boy of the two. Which is why I'm thinking he's been coming into my dreams lately.

I think my mind is attaching onto the bad-boy image. I beoome largely too reckless when my heart is hurt, and now my heart is wanting to follow suit and become a little more reckless.

So now Brian is making appearances in my dreams alongside Eric with both of their attractive bodies and knee-weakening smiles.

What does it mean when you start slightly fantasizing about the guy you care about's brother?! I mean's kind of unnerving.

Well with that I'm onto watching more shitty tv while I sit here wondering what is going on with my body. I think I might be iron deficient. I'm going to the doctor's to have a bunch of stuff tested. I can't handle being this tired all the time. It's just not right. I know something is not right with my body.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

How do you....

tell a friend they are making decisions that are going to absolutely devastate them and potentially "ruin" a good portion of their life?!

How do you let one of your best friends ever know that they are in an abusive relationship that is already tearing them down little by little?! How do you let them know that the road to pick up the pieces after the heartbreak that is inevitable is hard and long and you honestly don't think they have the strength of character to pick themselves back up afterwards?! How do you let this same friend know that you know exactly what they are going through?!

After having been in several manipulative relationships in my past, I can see all the warning signs. I can taste, feel, touch and see it.

Shelly has been dating this guy going on three months now. For most of that she's been convinced she's going to marry him. I found out she's even gone shopping for engagement rings. I'm not supposed to know any of this so I can't even talk to her about it.

I love Shelly to death but she's already needy. Which is what makes it even easier for her to be "brainwashed" which she already has been. She can't handle or even imagine the thought of life without this guy who has only been in her life for three months. She thinks she needs him. She doesn't!! I know this!! I lived with her for nine months. She does need friends but she doesn't need him.

She just moved to montana yesterday for grad school. Her FUTURE lies in this masters. Her dreams, her hopes. She's already convinced she hates Montana because she's away from him. Less than 24 hours and she's made up her mind!! That's impossible.

She's already determined that going to Montana is going to be a horrible experience. It will be. Mind over matter is so powerful, but especially more so when that mind is being negative about something.

I just don't know how to tell her I think she's making a huge mistake. I don't know how to open her eyes.

I want her to be in my heart and mind for even ten minutes. Maybe then she can understand, she can see my past and learn from it without having to go through it!!!

I want the world for my friends, I just don't know how to help them sometimes.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

One Beginning

Tomorrow I have my first substitute paraprofessional job. I will be subbing all day as a group leader for preschoolers at the elementary that I went to. At least it's a start :)

Also this week I will start volunteering serving meals downtown at the Denver Rescue Mission. I need to start giving back to the community somehow.

Starting tomorrow I'm Ms. Carr: Substitue, Official Babysitter, Professional Housecleaner, Hopeful CNA, Denver Rescue Mission Volunteer and Future Nurse!!


Saturday, August 22, 2009

One Step at a Time

I have wanted to pour all of my feelings out so bad but don't want to be whiny or grope. Not to mention I haven't had the time. So instead I found a song that pretty much sums up my life, my feelings and most of my thoughts for all aspects of life right now. This is exactly what I feel most of the time right now, yet it's also a song that instills hope and faith which I cling to every day. It puts a positive spin on my feelings :)

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you're gonna get there
Is one step at a time

Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

[One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks]

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Starting His Journey

Yesterday evening I waved goodbye to he drove off to college.

I helped to raise my brothers so on one hand I am their sister, on the other hand I have always sort of played a motherly role. I am one of their good friends but also someone they run to when they need advice or help or an understanding ear.

For that reason, it's hard to watch my brothers start their journeys and go in separate ways....only because I want to be there for them both through it all. But I can't be. I have my own road and they have theirs and we all have to fly :)

As Kevan said: I am an eagle. We all are eagles, we all have to fly to our futures.

He gave me a few huge bear hugs, one in which he lifted me off the ground and spun me around (I love those). And kissed me on my cheek a few times. Then as we were leaving he rolled down his windows, blasted one of my fav songs of the moment (Down by Jay Sean) and blew me a kiss. I ended up following both my parents and Kevan towards the freeway as that was the direction I gave them. Before getting on the freeway and me turning onto the frontage road Kevan waved out the car window back at me and I honked.....and that is how Kevan left for college. Wish I could have captured it with my camera but sometimes a picture just doesn't show the emotion you want it to. A picture couldn't capture how proud I am yet how sad I am to watch Kevan leave. It also can't capture how much of a change it is in my life to finally have us older three all out of the house.

All I can say is mom and dad are going to have to get used to a completely different household. It's going to be so much more quiet than they are used to that's for sure.

No more music blasting in the mornings during shower time, no more of us dancing in front of the tv or regular debates over the stupidest of topics, no more dancing and singing in the kitchen, no more doors being opened and slammed as we go back and forth and in and out of the house. What a change for my parents. What a change for us three.

I only hope that we keep in close contact. I can't imagine life without my brothers.

And because they are going their own ways again, it makes me antsy to have my own place. I hate being stuck in limbo but can't afford to not be stuck here at the moment. I want a place of my own, I want to find my own niche in the day, someday. Hopefully very soon.

I'm gonna miss Kevo....which is why I plan on traveling to Nebraska soon enough :)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I need

to write SO many of my thoughts down.....they are all jumbled in my head and I need to release them. However that has to wait until my life slows down a bit....not spending too much time by the computer anymore.

Stories, thoughts, gonna release it soon....AHHH!!!

Ok off to work again today.

Might I just add that I feel like my life has taken a drastic turn for the boring between working my life away recently in a place where I interact with like four other people all day (GAG!!) and living in a place where diversity and the free-living college atmosphere is missing. Oh, how I feel I have just become mrs. boring suzie-homemaker-ish. Don't like it.

Anywho, out the door. Training. Work.


Friday, August 14, 2009

I haven't written lately......mainly because emotions have been so intense in my heart that I don't know how to properly put them into words.

And as well, I've been distracting myself. I'm too afraid to sit still very long with my mind and heart all alone. So this week I've successfully distracted myself with 44 hours of working and babysitting. Not healthy I'm sure but I'm not quite sure how else to cope.

Right now I feel at a loss. I have the whole world in front of me, I'm taking those first steps, I'm taking them alone and it's scary. I'm not quite sure of my purpose at this exact moment. I'm aware my purpose is to live my life fully, to love others passionately and to glorify my God through it all. However, I'm finding that the more and more I WANT people and NEED people around, the less people there are within immediate vicinity to distract me and temporarily take my mind off things. I'm thinking God is teaching me in this. Patience maybe?!

Who knows.

I don't want this to be taken negatively. I just find myself waiting in trepidation of the future. It's scary going at it alone. I have so many people around me, yet only one person can figure out my life and my future, and that's me. What a scary thought. I can help anyone else out but myself. Whoda thunk it?!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

And the pressure is on.....

Here I sit....working on my nursing application. My future boils down to four pieces of paper: 3 transcripts from all 3 colleges I've taken classes at and a one-page essay portraying my passion to become a nurse. Isn't it amusing how our futures always boil down to usually very few things or very few words, sometimes even one simple word?!

Give me a social dialogue and any person can see and hear my desires. Whether it be personally, spiritually, or professionally. My eyes are the open passage to my soul, my hands become my supportive instruments as they wave back and forth, and my tongue becomes a spoken instrument that leaves little doubt. My vocabulary is limited but my tone is vivid and alive. It's playful, passionate and intense.

Conveying that all through written word is a weakness of mine. Either that or I feel it is. Accuracy is hard when all it boils down to is the written unspoken raw words that one can interpret however they want to and choose to read them in their own head. And so the pressure is on. The pressure is on right now to convince a few simple people sitting in the offices at CU-Denver's School of Nursing that they should pick ME to enter their nursing program.

Somehow, through all the pressure and anxiety, I find it invigorating that largely all of this comes down to me. I am in charge of my own destiny. I never knew what that meant up until this summer. Ok, I take that back. I can only go so far as to completely put myself out there and make the first step. Largely others will also be in charge of my destiny with how they choose to go about my decisions to put myself out there. But it all starts with me, it starts with what I choose to go for, how I choose to go for it, and how passionately and thoroughly I choose to pursue those avenues. It's still invigorating, and still slightly scary.

Last night, I went to the park to play frisbee with Eric. While waiting for him, I decided to sit down and swing for a few minutes to pass the time. Swinging was one of my favorite parts of recess when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I found it a sort of escape. In high school when my parents and I would fight, I'd find myself wandering to the park down to the swings to "fly", to momentarily escape my problems and to talk to God. There is something uniquely freeing about getting that swing as high as it can go and then laying your head back, closing your eyes, and letting your body fly back and forth through the air. It's calming.

Well last night I had a visitor. A little girl came up to me and asked to swing with me. Her parents were about 100 yards away talking to friends and though I constantly worry about parents thinking my intentions are wrong, I let this talkative 3-year-old talk to me as I pushed her on the swings. Her name was Tavin. She talked about going to a princess school, told me the names of her parents and three dogs, and asked my name. I'm still amazed at how easily I can talk to those who keep life simple, who have no problem with putting everything out on the line (though she doesn't know that). I also found it comforting knowing that again, there's something about me that makes others around me comfortable enough to usually approach me, talk to me, and open up. Even little kids. The amount of little kids that befriend me at zoos, parks, and ask me (a perfect stranger) questions and carry conversations with me is comforting in some aspect. It lets me know that I have some sort of special gift to relate to others on some parallel that I'm still trying to figure out.

Eric is one matter I find myself anxious with on one hand though. I find it so easy to be around him. I find it so easy to let myself stare directly into his warm eyes and let my heart just flow. It's easy to laugh and play. But that's what makes it hard. I let myself fall in love with him. And who am I possibly kidding, I'm still in love with him. Which is where I struggle so hard right now. Especially at this point in my life, I want to put myself out there, to let him know exactly how I feel, and let him decide. But at the same time, not everyone can handle that. Can he handle that?! And it's not possible for me to guard my heart enough for the reprocussions of putting myself out there if it's rejected. My guard is mainly down around him. Which is how I like it.

I want to tell him so much: about how I feel, about my desires, what I want, what I'm capable of, what I can be for him. But really it all comes down to he's the first guy I've let myself fall in love with.

So more than anything I just want him to be happy. I want him to go about life at his own pace, by his own decisions, and I want him to be happy more than anything. Even if that doesn't include me by his side holding his hand. It's hard to say that. For the first time since he broke up with me, I'm letting tears semi-freely flow down my cheek as it's slowly becoming reality that this might in deed be the case. But at the same time, it's so easy for me to support those that I care about in their decisions that all I want to do right now is to cup his face in my hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him to follow his heart and do what brings happiness to his life.....and through it all he'll have support and at the least friendship in me.

I'm a woman. So of course, there is a thread of hope down in me that secretly hopes and desires that the special woman in his life would be me.

This is what I know: we share something special. Whether it be a deep friendship or whether down the road something will blossom between us. There's something in his eyes I see when we spend time together. I'm not sure what it is. But I also know he's hesitant, he's searching, and I think he's a little fearful.

For now, I sit, wait to find out whether life brings friendship or friendship/romance our way, and support him in any way I can. Only God knows. And for now, I have to be ok with not knowing. There is a peace in my heart that everything will work out exactly as it's supposed to, but it doesn't calm my heart enough to take away the stings of pain that I feel here and there. It's hard, but God didn't say life would be easy all the time, just completely worth it all.

Back to my nursing app and trying to portay passion in written words I go.

"Embrace the wonder and excitement each day brings. For tomorrow affords us new opportunities....time to experience....time to create....time to reflect....time to dream." ~Unknown

Monday, August 03, 2009

Quick notes

Dinners with old and new friends are the best. So are laughs that start in the heart, take over your entire body and end in aches in your cheeks :)

Hung out with Eric again for the first time since the break-up. It went very well. Definitely realized my feelings for him are still very much strong, just been ignoring them. I think he has feelings towards me too. He's just very confused and unsure right now.

Birthday tomorrow. The big 2-2. Chocolate happy hour.

Going to Red Feathers Lake tomorrow morning. Gonna be beautiful!!

Excited to see what God has planned for the future!! It's so crazy and up in the air.

Missing Tyce, can't wait to see his little face again tomorrow. I need one of his hugs.

.....On a mission to be what I'm destined to be.....