Britt and I had a wonderful conversation last Sunday over coffee and I again had a similar conversation about marriage with a co-worker wednesday during lunch.
My truth about marriage: I'm not close to being ready for it.
But let me explain that. I'm ready for my life. I'm ready for anything God throws my way. I am ready for children and marriage in terms of I can tackle the responsibility and I will make an amazing mother and wife in terms that I will love being both unconditional.
But marriage and having children sorta scares me. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to settle down and embark on that adventure, because I feel like I have so many other adventures that need to be had first.
My mom said that when the right one comes along my mind will change, but I feel like if the right one comes along they will understand that I'm not ready to be married within the next year of my life.
There's just too much up in the air and too much transition going on at the moment for me to picture myself at that point.
But it's odd. Everyone around my age seems to be settling down. I love it and support it and envy it at times, if it's what's in their best interest. But at the same time I can't imagine myself being married.
Eric and I were talking semi sorta about it the other day and he was joking around about me not being ready for marriage in one sense and he asked me this question: what would you do if I asked you to marry me?!
Honestly here's what popped into my head. My first thought was that I would be absolutely shocked and astonished as the Eric and I are not even boyfriend/girlfriend. We are dating but without the title of dating. I think we consider ourselves sorta single but sorta committed to each other. But Eric, who is afraid of love and commitment, wow that would honestly shock the hell out of me and be one of the most unexpected things I could imagine.
My second thought was that it freaks me out that I can actually see myself marrying him. Not anytime soon. But whenever anyone has talked about marriage I have never been able to picture it. Even after being with Scott for two years, when I thought of my wedding day I could never ever picture Scott at the alter. I couldn't picture my wedding day in fact. For the first time, I can picture having a wedding day (it's a very hazy picture....we'll put it that way, since it's a very new thought) and I can actually see Eric standing at the alter. Um okay, yeah that freaks the hell out of me that for once I can picture that. It freaks me out that I know I care about him enough that I can see that, because I'm not sure if he cares about me in the same way or not. And it freaks me out that I can actually picture myself getting married. It's a very new development in my life.
The last thought was that while I would be so thrilled and so honored, I would have to tell him that until I can get more of my life on more "solid" foundation, I can't tell him yes no matter how much I would want to.
It just dawns on me that right now, no matter how much I long to love and be loved in return in a romantic way, whoever it was that loved me enough to want to marry me would have to understand I am simply just not ready. And I think it's a good thing that I know I'm not ready.
I'm not even living in my own place stable enough to support myself consistently. I wouldn't want to get married and have someone else support me. I want to know that I am sufficient at taking care of myself first.
I support marriage for anyone my age who is ready for it. In all honesty, I'm in awe because I feel like they possess some sort of foundation or stability that I don't but at the same time I'm not envious.
I am ready to commit myself to someone if the I feel it is the person I am supposed to, just not in a legally forever binding sort of manner.
I also realized just how important marriage is to me. I've always known that marriage is an absolutely huge step for me. I believe in a forever sort of marriage. I don't believe in divorce. I don't want to ever put myself, my family nor my future (still undecided about) children through that sort of trauma. Marriage is a one-time sort of deal for me. It's sacred and holy, and once I'm married that's it. That's the person I devote myself to forever.
That's another thing I've become very comforted about lately as well. I was thinking about this last week. On one hand it really bugs me that Eric and I date but we aren't dating. He's not my boyfriend, I'm not his girlfriend. Yet we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do other than the commitment and some obligations of being that for each other. But on the other hand I got to thinking, we aren't labeled sure, which makes me uneasy with how I know I feel about him. But on the other hand we are committed to each other. We only date each other, only make love to each other, and seek out each other's company. It sounds silly but I love that he texts me about his car whenever a new thing is going on with it. He loves his car. So naturally I love that he gets excited to tell me about it. It's sort of a man's odd way of showing that he cares about you....he includes you in the things that he likes. And I like to think that he likes to hear about whatever it is I'm interested in. In a very odd way, we are committed in one way to each other, in an unspoken way that as long as we are "talking" that no one else is being included in the picture.
He did tell me the other night I can "keep" him.
I think he's coming around. I think his heart is slowly mending.
Even if we don't end up together, as long as he learns that it's ok to love and can love someone else one day, then it's all worth it.
Yes I am crazy, trust me my friends remind me of it every day but what the hell, I'm a crazy sort of person that really sees something in Eric. It beats the hell out of me sometimes but there's something there. I just keep giving him chances.
Anywho, that's my truth about marriage currently.
Much respect to those that are ready to get married and have kids, you possess something I currently doing. I think it's commonly referred to as a biological clock. Does that mean I don't have one or simply mine is currently on pause?!