Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Surrounded by Littleness

Some weeks are good, some weeks are bad. This one has been good....NOT because of attention from men or whatever, but because of my job.

The kids have been wonderful and this week one of my favorite little boys, Patrick, is making HUGE progress. He is learning to talk. For some kids that's not huge, but kids like Patrick with sensory problems and the such it's a HUGE accomplishment. To hear him say things like "no ball" and "help" are just absolutely amazing moments to me. I'm also learning how to communicate with him and read his moods and understand his wants. Not to mention it's fun to play with him and see his wonderful smile.

Patrick comes in the mornings and his older brother Duggan comes in the afternoons, and both are two of my absolute favorite little boys to be around. Duggan told me today "Ms. Nic I like you. I like you a lot." Little things like that mean the world to me!!

All of the kids are doing wonderfully. And they all love having me in their class. All of them can now say my name is some form whether it's Ms. Nicole, Ms. Nic, Ms. Cole, Ms. Mikole or other variations of my name :)

The DB girls have been great to watch this week, they were SO well-behaved yesterday!!!

And then watching Tyce today, all I could do is laugh. I'm the cool aunt :)

It's been such a great week!! I can't even tell you how much these little kids mean to me. They are exhausting and at times I'm so overwhelmed and am SO happy to give them over to their parents but at the same time, I love them all and are all so rewarding. The presence of God is SO apparent watching them!!

Here's Tyce running around today with his new Lightning McQueen pj's on his head (by the way, I know that movie WAY too well for my own good)!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Ra Ra Ree, Kick em in the Knee

Last night I went and watched my dad coach football.

Ok, not a huge deal as my dad has coached football for YEARS and YEARS and YEARS. I've grown up around the game....I ate, breathed and slept football with my family for years. BUT he coached pee-wee and middle school.

This year he is coaching high school football at Fort Lupton dad has always wanted to coach high school football. It's his passion.

So I went and supported watching him coach the first home game of the season. I think it meant a lot to him to have me take time to come and see him and support him. Not gonna lie, I was bored out of my mind. They aren't good and got their asses handed to them with a final score of 44-0. The score was 30-0 halfway through the second quarter.

But he laughed and gave me a big hug.

I went with him to Coach Roedl's house after the game to have some food and a couple beers and chit-chat. It was fun :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009


Wow, aunt flow is in town....I just cried my eyes out watching the Grey's Anatomy's like my family is being torn apart!!

It's ridic how INTO some shows someone can get. I LOVE Grey's.....luv luv luv it!!!

I miss George :(

Birth Control

Most effective form of birth control ever:

working with preschoolers in Colorado (look up how the preschool program works...they are all spec ed or "at risk" kids) + babysitting 10 hr/wk for two girls under the age of 5 + horror pregnancy stories during lunch time + having a booster seat and carseat in my backseat

Seriously, I don't think anyone needs to worry about me getting pregnant anytime soon. I am MORE than religious about my birth control pills now....holy freaking cow, I could handle being a mother but sure as hell am NOT ready.....I'd say give it like five or ten years....

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Simplest Pleasures

Why this has been such a great and blessed weekend:

-curled up watching Grey's Anatomy season 2 all afternoon and evening last night
-an entire lazy saturday spent sans make-up and contacts
-cuddling up with Eric and having my face caressed so lovingly by a man I love
-a lazy sunday spent babysitting the DB girls
-another evening about to be spent watching Grey's season 2
-sunday morning spent out on the porch in a rocking chair with a cup of hot coffee in my pj's
-lots of laughter
-contentment with where i'm at in life for the first time in weeks
-knowing that when i go to work tomorrow, i'm going to be enjoy my job and my day, no matter how hard and exhausting it is

Sometimes the simplest pleasures come from the laziest and most "unfruitful" of times....but they are days we can recollect and relax and rejuvenate. Sometimes that's exactly what our souls need.

Tomorrow I have a dinner and movie date with my mom :) She is going to make dinner and we are going to watch Dirty Dancing in memory of Patrick Swayze and also as something to bond over. We spent my childhood bonding over chick flicks and later on shopping, once I showed her how enjoyable it can be to pamper yourself!! Hopefully this is a start to mending and moving forward....I can't help but be happy and optimistic about it. We have our differences but she'll always be my mama and one of my best friends. I just hope she knows that more of our relationship will be spent as friends from here on out and I will turn to her as a daughter when needed, but first we need to focus on maintaining our friendship. That's the easiest place to start.

Life's simplest pleasures are always the best.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I'm tryin not to tell you but I want to

As I'm standin here and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you and we start to dance
All around us I see nobody
Here in silence it's just you and me


This time we're not given up.

Got nothin but time on our hands.

Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place, if we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday.

If only time flew like a dove, we'd make this fly, just keep lookin up.

Screamin hallelujah!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Love Takes Courage

Rollercoaster love.

Eric and I are not dating again. we had a great conversation yesterday via facebook. Unconventional but I think he is able to talk easier when there's no pressure coming from my end....though I think he's figuring out I'm supportive and understanding either way, he just is not good with conflict at all.

But I was able to pour out a little of my heart. He deserves the world.....but so do I and what was going on is not fair to me.

He finally admitted he's not ready to date. Yes we both love each other. But I think he has some deep scars he just hasn't fully mended to. He finally admitted he doesn't think he can be for me what I deserve and need him to be, that he can't be as open towards me as I am with him when it comes to matters of baring our hearts to each other. It was really quite refreshing to have this convo.

I basically told him that I'm not ready to date anyone but him so I will in theory be waiting for him to work on himself. I have faith in him. I really do. He just doesn't have the same faith in himself. I also let him know that if he doesn't ever feel for me what I feel for him then he needs to let me know. I laid down a few ground rules for how I expected to be treated.

But I also let him know that I understand. And I tried to let him know that me being as open and receptive to others with my heart and being so willing to love others is a pretty recent development and has been a huge work in progress.

He doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. But I think he's learning that I'm not someone who's going to hurt him....I will be supportive and understanding to a point and that I can completely relate to where he's coming from.

I'm not asking for perfection, I'm asking for honesty and sincerity and commitment. I hope he understands that. I'm looking for someone to grow with, not someone to be my knight in shining armour persay. I want someone who can be imperfect yet enjoy life with me, someone who can praise God with me and cry with me when I need it. Someone who will be there. Someone who at times will annoy me because I can't handle ALWAYS getting along and agreeing with someone 100% of the time. Someone who will treat me like I'm worth the world and who will allow me to smother them with love in return (in a completely healthy manner). I see it in him, he just doesn't see it in himself. He needs time to realize he's not as messed up as he thinks and he can offer me more....I see it in his eyes, he's just afraid to in fear of getting hurt.

Man I love being able to naturally read people well. There were some perks to growing up so incredibly shy. I got pretty good at being observant and reading people. I don't notice some things, like all the objects in my environments but I do pick up on body language and gestures and figuring out people pretty quickly.

All I know is love takes a lot of courage.....Eric just hasn't found as much courage as I have yet. And he hasn't figured out that yes, putting your heart out to others takes a lot of risk and you might get hurt....but more often than not, if people care about you back, there's no reason to worry.

And well, in my opinion, love is the most powerful thing. And I want to leave this world having loved to my full potential. It hurts for sure and carries huge risks....but at the same time, I'd rather have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Lvoe is the most beautiful thing :) Follow your heart kid, and you can never go wrong.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Post Secret

I really don't always know what I want. Every time I think I have it figured out, a curveball is thrown in. The only thing I'm ever sure of is I want to be loved, unconditionally loved. And my biggest fear is that I'll never feel that unconditional love from the people I want it the most from.

Sign Language

I'd love to take a sign language class. Been thinking about maybe taking one next semester.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


This is my second week working a specific job as a substitute special ed para for preschoolers at the elementary school I attended when I was a youngster. It's a little crazy being back as the school was remodeled and added onto the year after I "graduated" 5th grade and the playground equipment is different and the teachers are different.

But I have been enjoying my job.

At the end of the day, all I want is a beer and some adult conversation (between working with preschoolers and babysitting preschoolers, adult stimulation is VALUED and NEEDED) but I also thoroughly enjoy my time spent with the kids.

There are a few that have won over my heart. The Colorado Preschool Program requires that as many kids with "needs" are enrolled in the preschool as there are kids without "needs". These can range from sensory to physical to cognitive to developmental or in a lot of cases several interlinked. In the morning one kid with "needs" I have found is actually quite bright, but he's learned to play games with the teachers. However this kid has found a place in my I felt that we are really connected, simply because I have been able to reach him at a point when most usually he's running away from everyone.

In the afternoon there are two little boys. One is especially smart, quick-witted and outgoing and I'd love to take him home with me most days. He's just a riot to be around. We seem to play a lot together (his younger brother who has "needs" is actually in our morning class and his brother's smile is absolutely precious.....he's my tickle buddy in the mornings). He also plays with the other little boy in our class regularly who has severe physical needs and that to me is just incredible, especially as he treats this other little boy as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

The other little boy in our afternoons is smart as ever but has cerebral palsy, which makes a lot of physical activity impossible or very very strenuous to do. However, I've found simply through sitting and high-fiving this little boy that his motions are farther progressed than the therapies' ladies have said. He has the same cognitive development as any kid his age, just can't talk or really keep control of his body for obvious reasons. But when he smiles it's the most warming thing you can imagine, and he smiles often. And he smiles often for me....he's just as happy as can be. And like I said, the other very smart little boy and him play quite well together.

Last week on the playground while E (the boy with cerebral palsy) sat in his wheelchair obviously not able to play with the others, D (the very smart little boy) helped me to blow bubbles and play ball with E. Today we had a very fun time at playtime simply playing "walky talkies", mixing up the color shakers and playing with these little colored bears.

It's amazing how fast certain kids warm up to me and then warm my own heart.

I can say this, there's something about me that seems to allow those with needs to relate to me. And all the kids love the colorful, crazy outfits I wear....especially the little girls. They come in everyday wanting to see what crazy bracelet or necklace I have on or what colors I'm going to be wearing. They love to comment on how mommy or daddy would never let them wear this or that. And it makes them happy :)

Working with the kids has been rewarding!! I can't say I'd do this long-term but right now I mostly enjoy my job. Just wish I had more adult stimulation sometimes!!!

Monday, September 14, 2009


I wonder about a lot of things anymore.

I wonder about what God wants from me from my life, I wonder how He's going to show me the way to get to where I need to go, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in His eyes.

I wonder why I'm so reckless and headstrong most of the time. I wonder why I always seem to be antsy anymore. I wonder when I'm going to really blossom.

I wonder what it is others see in me and don't see in me.

I wonder if my family will ever be as close-knit as we used to be. I wonder if for my parents I'll ever feel that I'm good enough for them to be proud of me.

I wonder what I'd look like if I actually started working out. I wonder what I'd look like if I gained weight and became fat. I wonder how many people would still love me and think I'm beautiful if I was fat.

I wonder if I'll ever get to travel the world. I wonder if I'll have someone who will do it with me or if once again I'll have to go at it alone.

I wonder if I have kids, will I be a good mom. I wonder if I'll have a boy(s) or girl(s). I wonder if God will bless me with healthy children or if I will birth an unhealthy child because He thinks I'm strong enough to love such a child. I wonder when I'll be ready for that because it's not anytime soon. I wonder how people my age are ready for that.

I wonder who my husband will be and what our marriage will look like. I wonder if he'll love me enough that he would fly halfway around the world to chase me. And yes currently I sometimes allow myself to wonder if Eric is that future. I also wonder if he even sees any sort of future with me or if I'm just a girl for the moment. I wonder when he'll let his guard down so I can let mine down. I wonder when he'll really want to get to know me.

I wonder what heaven will be like. I wonder if I'll recognize the spirits of others when I do get there. I wonder how much longer I have to spend with my family before death separates us temporarily. I wonder sometimes how I'll die (ick).

I wonder what life would have been like if I'd done things differently. I wonder what life would have been like had I not been sexually assaulted. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live a day without that crossing my mind at least once. I wonder if I'd be the same person. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully forgive, as it changed so much for the good but also for the bad.

I wonder what people would think if they knew half the stuff I thought about. I wonder how people see me through their eyes. I wonder what parts of my face others now better than me (think about it, others see my face more than I do).

I wonder what my purpose is.

I wonder what it'd be like to wake up in the morning and actually be able to see, without contacts or glasses.

And sometimes I wonder if I would get more out of life if I just stopped wondering and did more doing. I wonder. ....

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Kanye = Douche

And everyone wonders why I think Kanye's a fucking douche and boycott his music.....he has got to be one of the rudest cockiest bastards to walk the earth, let alone be allowed to stand in the spotlight and be a "role model" to society.

He needs to be punched in his scrotum in my opinion.

Such a douche.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Home Sweet Home

Just when you think that you have anything figured out, that's just really not the case.

I have a few desires in my life right now. One of the foremost ones being that I had a place to call home. Bless my aunt for letting me stay here but this is not my home, my parents place hasn't been my home since I started college and started out to find myself, and I had to leave the place I felt most comfortable just a few short months ago. Since then I guess you could say I've been searching for a place to call my own. I really want a place of my own again, a place to make my home....the only two problems are finances....and well finding someone willing to live with me in a place I'd love to live. Which currently is Denver. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I get a little too bored here. Life is too "stiff" for where I'm at in my life.

My second is to have friends that are close to me. It's hard not having friends in close access to me and having to search out people to hang out with. Especially being stuck in a cookie-cutter sort of life during work, I need stimulation in the form of a social life and unfortunately I don't get as much as I want or need when friends are all over the place.

I used to be just fine being by myself. But given everything, I find that alone time is not my friend. As a matter of fact, if I'm left alone for too long I get anxious. And I think it's because there are no certainties, no regularities and no one stable in my life I just naturally freak out and that freaking out really manifests when I'm by myself long enough for it to rear it's stupid head.

I just know that I need a certain amount of regularity back in my life, but regularity that involves people my age and something that I'm passionate about. I've found that's what I'm missing currently. People in the working world are hardly passionate. They have a passion sometimes for their jobs, but it's also in a very uniform manner. I want people who are passionate and it expresses itself wildly. So maybe I'm saying I need some wildness in my life?!?! I dunno actually.

All I know is working in the teaching field currently as a substitute para, I find myself highly unstimulated. Everything is PC and everyone dresses exactly the same. They all talk about teaching, a lot of the women I interact with are more what I would term hoity-toity in their mannerisms and how they interact in a very guarded manner. I crave the laid-back accepting atmosphere of college and fort collins. The accepting and adventurous spirit. I've gotten some odd looks from the bright colored shirts that I wear....and they haven't even seen my bright yellow capri shorts!!! Really?! I wonder what they will say when I walk in next week with purple skinny jeans and a black plaid flannel's going to be very interesting to see what they say and do!!! But it just goes to show that I'm not in a normal environment for myself. In my world, what I'm used to, I'm used to being able to express myself in whatever way I see fit and talking about controversial issues. Not constantly talking about how hard it is to be a working mom and Johnny's problems with playing with the blocks. Just not my thing currently.

Just goes to show I'm not ready to settle myself down quite yet.

But to start with I would really just like a home. A place that has my furniture, I can come and go as I please, a place that's completely comfortable for me, and a place to make my own. Hopefully sometime soon?!?! I think it would help me with my anxiety greatly.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Changing of the Seasons

Changing, changing, changing

Eric and I are "together" again. Love the rollercoaster that is my romantic life?!

Last friday we did the tour de fat. SO fun :) I will have to post pics soon. But the night before we went partying with my cousin in Greeley and some deep held secrets came out. The one secret I hold I finally told him. And he told me he loved me. A lot to take in in one night!!! He told me it's hard for him to say it even to those that he loves, I'm one of two women he's told (Kelly being the other one).

At the same time, I still see him reluctant to say it. He's still convinced I'm going to hurt him like Kelly did. I hate when guys think that. I don't cheat on people. This makes relationship #2 where the person couldn't trust me fully because they think I'm going to cheat on them like the ex did. WTF?!?! That's not me!!

I definitely am still a little guarded around him. Call me crazy but he DID shatter my heart once, he's capable of doing it again. I have a boo-boo and it still has a band-aid covering it from complete exposure to the air. It's gonna take a little bit for it to come off which is probably a GOOD thing.

BUT I'm still very happy with him. I love him. Call me crazy again. There's just something about that boy. There's something about him that I couldn't even fight falling in love. Something tells me I'm being completely dangerous and stupid with my heart. But it makes for some great entertainment to those around me!!

On another front, I've been working my ass off. Still worried as crap about bills though. And I start my phlebotomy class which is going to add to my already full work weeks.

Working with special ed preschoolers has been SO rewarding yet exhausting. Little kids take a lot of energy, especially when you are with them for seven hours at school and then also when I babysit the DB girls. Man on man. Life has gotten chaotic busy and I still find myself drowning little bit by little bit financially.

I'll come out on top eventually though!! One step at a time.

Family issues?! Of course. I am starting to think this feud will never end. I don't know how to sit down and tell my parents my feelings and thoughts. I really don't. I don't think they are ever going to understand who I am and love me through it. I just think I'm such a huge disappointment straight across the board. My dad doesn't even look at me anymore. Makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for any man if I'm not good enough for my own father.

"I'm supa dupa fly".....I'm singing along to a song playing on itunes right now and it's pretty catchy. Aloha by Fat Joe. I'd love to have Eric's music. It's like being in a brand-new candy store with eyes wide at all the new possibilities. Man that's what I need right now. A drive in a fast car with music blaring. I want to be in the drivers seat though.

I need an adrenaline rush or some excitement soon. Need to feel as though I'm alive.

Tour de fat Denver this weekend :) Wearing bright bright colors of course!!! Nothing but bright colors for me.

Hmmm.....more thoughts to be poured out later. Have to head to the doctor's for them to tell me that I DON'T have TB.

Going going gone.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Let's Talk

Life has been so busy lately and while I love it I also find my body getting worn down and I find that I don't have enough time to do all that I want to do!!!

I finished my nursing application and got it in. I have no idea if I'm the type of candidate they are looking for or not but I surely hope so. I hope that my essay and grades are what they are looking for to get me in. Starting "the" degree is exciting and scary to me all at once. It's my future but I also know that right now I sort of enjoy not having TOO much responsibility....starting that degree is a huge commitment. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for it. Just nervous as it's getting down to the wire once I do.

My phlebotomy class starts next month and I look forward to it!! Not so much to getting stuck with needles when we start having to learn on each other but it's another advancement....I enjoy that :)

I have been hired as a "personal assistant" for one of the ladies I babysit for. I've committed ten hours of my life each week to helping her out, whether it be by babysitting or helping her with her classroom work or errand running. It's extra money in my pocket and I adore her little girls!!

I got a long-term job as a substitute para starting tuesday. I was requested from Henderson to take the job as a preschool special education para. Ok let me repeat that, I was REQUESTED!! I only worked one day there and they wanted me back. Kind of a cool little pat on the back that I'm doing a good job whether I know it or not.

Wow, between all that I realize how much time I don't have. I didn't get a chance to start volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission last week because I got sick and it just was crazy chaos. But this next week I hope to start!

I wish my friends would realize not to stay with people who are abusive towards them. I spent last weekend running to Denver at the drop of a hat for one of my besties after her and her girlfriend got in a fight. I found out her girlfriend has hit her before and berades her often for her weight and other various things. I want to shake my friends and be like "don't do it, you DESERVE better!!" I support her in whoever she dates, but once that person stops treating her the way she deserves to be treated, well let's just say Mama Nicole personality kicks in and I get HIGHLY protective. I just want my friends to be happy and healthy in love, not miserable and treated any less than amazing.

Eric and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. We are dating again, but I'm not sure what that means. He's supposed to talk to me about that today, he promised. It's been really nice to get to hang out with him again. Friday we went up to Greeley to hang out with my cousin and spend the night there so as to go to tour de fat yesterday. I admitted to him quite a few secrets of my past that hopefully explain a little bit more about me. I had a great time with him.

He told me he loved me. Unprovoked by me. That's pretty damn huge I think.

But he also told me that he wants to be perfect for me. I don't want perfect, I want him to be who he is, real and true to the core. Perfect is boring; I like him, his adventurous spirit yet the fact that I can't ever seem to really figure him all the way out. The fact that I know he will have tendencies that will annoy me actually makes me like him more!!! I wish he could see that. Perfect is not what I want.....just him, just who he is.

But we will see, everything takes time. If it's meant to be it will work out, if not then God has something different in mind for me.

Tour de fat yesterday was SOOOOO MUCH FUN!!! But I will save that for later as right now I'm gonna go see Kevo. I miss him :( He's in town for the holiday weekend and my music needs to be updated!!

Love love love

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

She Got It Written On Her

I'm buying a snowboard, boots & bindings off a friend so I will be hitting the slopes this season :) WOOT WOOT WOOT!!!!!


I'm also contemplating getting my next tattoo here soon. I want to get "Follow your heart" on my I have the money to do this?! Nope but that's what credit cards are for right?!?!

That is NOT a responsible way to think but I really really wanna get it. I love my other tattoo and I want to give it a little companion :) I wanna go a little bit bigger and more visible this time hence my foot location.

Ok I have so much I wanna explode on here but I also need to get my lunch ready and get going to work this morning.

I'm having a great hair day it's just got me on top of the world this morning :D