Thursday, November 12, 2009

Secret: I took the afternoon off of work today because I'm getting so burnt out.

Working two jobs and taking this phlebotomy class is turning out to eat up ALL my time....I don't know how I could do this much longer than 2 1/2 months. It's craziness. But I need the extra money and I need the base money and I need to be doing something or otherwise I'd totally be hating where I'm at with life.

I wish someone would have told me just how hard and un-content I would be the year after college. Seriously, I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at all. I'm not in a place that feels comfortable, nor familiar. And honestly, I don't WANT to be here.

Where are all the goofy, motivated, driven, passionate people I interacted with?! Oh yeah, they are all still at CSU or in another place with people who are like that. Me, I'm in Brighton. I COULD move away but I don't feel I have enough of a foundation to do that quite yet. I just want out of here though. Now I realize why I left. This place has no opportunities for me nor anything that I like, want or care about.

Secret: The only reason I'm going to take my job full-time is I totally need the great health benefits stat. I NEED to go to the dentist, I NEED to get my eyes checked and new glasses, I NEED to get my perscription birth control. I can't afford to not have it currently. I haven't been to the dentist in over a year, haven't had my glasses perscription changed in three years, and am not on birth control right now because I simply can't afford to pay for any of it without awesome health insurance. I have crappy health insurance right now but can't really do anything with it.

I love the kids but I'm already getting burnt out. It doesn't hold the passion or excitement I so desperately need right now. It's just a means to an end and it reminds me why I didn't just settle for sucking it up and staying in Colorado Springs to finish my nursing degree. I'm miserable here. I don't know how to function in a place with people I can't really relate to who don't have the same outlook on life as me.

I need some excitement in my life. Not bad excitement, healthy excitement. Like a friend who will take to learning to hit the slopes with me, who I can live with and who also believes in recycling. I need someone who enjoys getting lost in a bookstore as much as I do and staying up until 2am dancing and rocking out in the kitchen full-throttle. I need someone who can go shopping with me and encourages me to get the craziest thing in the store and rock it with my inner confidence I'm always able to pull up for things like that. I want someone who can laugh and joke with me, and who I can come through the door complaining to high heaven and they run to get the goldfish and citrus drop to listen to my rant, and then tell me how dumb I'm being but how I can do this or that to move forward.

I had all of that last year and it's gone. All of it. My entire comfort and place in life that I had finally found has been stripped away little by little and I absolutely hate it. I know I have to move forward but last year I finally in 21 years found my place in life, a place I was comfortable and understood. I want that back. I feel really naked and lost without it.

Ok enough grumbling.

Truth: I want to go on an adventure, who wants to go with me and where will we go?!

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