Sunday, May 30, 2010

Weekend Reminders

This weekend was so crazy....but it proved to me a couple things.

I have the best ecclectic group of friends I could ask for. I have the best friends I could imagine. I am a very blessed woman.

And there ARE men out there who are willing to fight and pursue women. Communication is possible.

I have a friend that I can be completely open and honest with and ask things of at any time of the day or night and she will always be there for me. I have a guy friend who really does care about me, finds me attractive, but still loves the shit out of his girlfriend. And I have a friend who has reminded me that loving others and taking crazy chances is always worth it.

An interest of mine also proved that he will pursue me, deal with my moodiness as he did last night, and still hug me at the end of the night. He showed me that we can be in a tiff at each other, handle it like adults, and laugh it off the next day. He also reminded me that it's ok to stare in someone's eyes while talking.

This weekend reminded me I'm young and have a ton ahead of me though I feel like I'm going nowhere, and that it's ok to live life up and not be in a relationship. It proved to me that life is meant to be lived at 110 miles an hour and one can thank God in the morning out loud while walking to one's car wearing last night's makeup and messy clothes, and your day will still be blessed. This weekend reminded me I have a lot of life to live and a purpose and I need to stop holding myself back....and it reminded me how much my support means to others, and how much I really can help others, even with the simple things.

It reminded me how wonderful my real laugh is, and how much others fall in love with each other's genuine selves, if they are just shown. It reminded me how much I hate fake people and the lack of authenticity that comes from most of my generation.

Also, watching the UFC fights on the rooftop of a 3-level loft right next to Coors Field didn't hurt anything at showed me there's much more out in this world that I have the opportunity to achieve, if I just work hard.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Armin at Beta

Last night = AMAZING night :-)

I went to Beta to see my fav DJ (not to mention the #1 DJ in the world): Armin van Buuren.

There's something about his dj-ing that makes my soul just's just indescribable how good he is!

I was in front pretty much all night. Had to sorta fight to keep there. Had a few drunk people trying to push past us. But fortunately Carlee and I had a few friends watching out for us. We learned how to throw elbows and stand our ground very quickly. But it paid off. To be three people from the dj booth the entire night and to dance with other passionate Armin fans was an incredible experience!!

I came home sweaty, exhausted, ears ringing, sore on my foot tore back open and bleeding, a fractured toe (from one very tall dude jumping on my foot), but SO excited to have just watched my fav dj spin for almost three hours.

You can tell he adores his fans and feeds off their energy. The smile on his face did not go away all night and he interacted with them all night while spinning :-)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dating Lessons

Today I went to get my hair done by my sissy-in-law and while giving me a rad 'do we talked and talked, like all girls do. About all the important things in life: fashion, tv shows, upcoming family vacation, etc ;-) Just kidding....that's normal conversation.

But like always the conversation turns towards relationships and in my case, dating or lack thereof. Obviously she's my sister-in-law, I don't have to ask her how her dating life is going. As soon as my brother gets permission from her father to ask for her hand in marriage they will be engaged. My guess is they will be engaged within the next six months and married around next summer. That would be my personal guess. We KNOW they are going to get's just a question of when.

However for me, the lines aren't so black and white to say the least. I'm not currently dating anyone and in all honesty, am so incredibly scared to be in a relationship.

Truth #1: I am absolutely petrified of being romantically vulnerable to someone. I'm petrified of letting down my guard and allowing someone to hold my heart in their hands. I've never allowed anyone full access to my heart outside of family and even then I have what Diana Hummell calls "Do Not Disturb" signs on part of my heart to others. There is nothing scarier to me than loving someone so much and trusting them enough to hold the key to my heart. That's a huge and scary step. One of the huge reasons I don't see myself getting married any time soon. I lack the theoretical balls to trust someone that much.

Truth #2: I want nothing more than for somene to pursue me and romance me and convince me that I can finally be vulnerable and they will take good care of my heart. Persay, I want my own "fairytale".

I've been praying fervently over many desires and fears in my heart. God knows them all. He knew them all before I ever felt them. He wants me to give control of all areas of my life over to Him. But I've been too scared with dating to give control with Him. It's easier for me to put up walls than it is to be vulnerable and let God romance my heart and then allow Him to put someone else into my life to romance my heart. Easy right?! Well I'd love to say so but to me sometimes that petrification is just such a huge wall I don't even know where to start making chips in it. So that's where I've been praying a lot. The only person who can chip away at that wall I've put up is God. And I've been working on putting it all in His hands and letting Him do His work. It's scary to say the least. Giving over control isn't easy for me. I don't have much faith in men romantically. As friends yes, as brothers yes, as boyfriends/dating partners not-so-much. I've also been praying that He will help to soften my heart so that He can come in and qualm my fears. I have a great many. And I know they hold me back.

Jenni said it this way: If you don't take a risk, you won't receive God's amazing rewards. He can't reward you big if you don't take big risks.

I have to allow myself to be very vulnerable to someone in order to be loved immensely by an earthly human. With that being said, I'm allowing myself to be allowed as much as humanly possible by my father and brothers, the men in my life that I hold the most trust in. And I know that before any earthly romance, I need to allow a romance between my Saviour and I to blossom whole-heartedly first.

A recent dating situation in my life came to a blinding and sudden halt just a short while ago. Jenni asked if I thought I was over and done with it all. Honestly, I'm not. There will be parts of him there always as we did date for almost a year. But she comforted me and reminded me that it's normal that thoughts of him will be there for awhile to come. It's easy to remember the good but I also need to keep in mind what happened as a whole. She told me that's normal and to take comfort in knowing that people can't just switch feelings on and off, even though people like to tell themselves that they can. I know it's impossible. But it did comfort me knowing that Jenni can understand where I've been and where I'm going.

I confided in her that while I remind myself of how awful it was to get jerked around, there are things I miss about him and about our relationship. Above others I miss the friendship. Despite how much he jerked me around in terms of my heart, we did have a good friendship while it was there. We had a lot of the same interests and found enjoyment in the same activities. I do miss bike rides and days in the park with him. That's something we both enjoyed. Our love of new music and movies and summer days was there. Jenni asked if that would sway me to think that I'm not over him. And honestly, I will miss those things.

I confided that one thing that I worry about with someone else is whether we have the same interests or enjoy the same activities. Her and the guy she dated before Marsh were both musicians and had a lot in common that way. Marshall isn't a musician but rather enjoys sports and different tv shows than her. But they both take enjoyment in getting to learn each other's interests and share those differences with each other. I recognize that this is true. Opposites do attract and I LOVE being exposed to new things. I know it's hard for me to willingly share things with others that may not enjoy them, however, which is part of the reason I'm so independent. I'd rather do it on my own than take the risk of someone else not enjoying time spent with me.

But she reminded me, and this has been circling through my mind so much lately, is how important it is to be pursued and someone to be willing to share new experiences with you. I do have a specific person in mind through this all. And I will admit that I would rather share love with someone who is willing to pursue me and me to know all the time that he loves me for me than it is to have a ton of things in common. Like Jenni and I both said, you can learn about each other and come to enjoy each other's interests. But nothing can replace the importance of knowing that the person you give your heart to loves you for who you are. I don't want to be guessing as to what someone feels about me all the time. I'd rather know and then get to fall even deeper in love with someone as we learn to bond over each other's new experiences.

I don't want rebound. That's not at all what I want. Are you kidding me?! It's just so not good for me or the other person. Which is why I'm taking every precaution to go forward with caution and let myself heal. I started healing before we were done. I knew that our dating would come to an end. I'm just mad it happened as it did, especially with how understanding I was towards him with all of his fear of commitments or labels, etc. He could have honored the one thing I asked of him, but he didn't, so yes I'm sore over that. But I also know I will be ok. My heart is in God's hands and I know if I can only fully relinquish control God has something amazing in store for me. He has something amazing in store for everyone but I have my own form of amazing relationship awaiting. I just have to fearful and trusting enough to allow God to actually work. And I also have to go forward and allow God to be in all relationships in my life.

So what I have figured out this past month is it's more important for me to be secure in how I feel about and from another person than it is to share a lot of common interests (obviously there are some that have to be there....first one being a common belief and faith in God & our Saviour Jesus Christ as well as honesty, communication, a sense of humour, and a love for life and people). It's also important to me that I learn to listen to those around me. And to not be so afraid to let others love me and pursue me. Part of being loved is being vulnerable. Eric didn't understand that and because of it I built a lot of walls. Now I need to work on letting God destroy some of those walls, and break them down....slowly but surely. AND the next person I date is going to have to prove to me that I'm worth loving....otherwise dating just isn't worth it.


I've been dogsitting for a few days now and I've definitely learned a few things.

1. I love dogs but I'm currently not cut out to be a full-time dog owner. It's sort of like having a kid. I'm not sure I'm ready for that responsibility yet!!! hahaha

2. I move a lot when I sleep. I'm dogsitting a pug of whom loves to lay right next to you or on you while you're sleeping. And well I basically have learned that my body has to move about every 20 minutes. I didn't realize I sleep so "restlessly". Now I know.

But all-in-all it's been a good experience.

It reinforced that when I get a dog I preferably want a bigger one (like a husky or a lab) and I want it to be an outside dog. And it reinforced how much I don't like dogs licking me. It's just a thing with me. Not a fan of licking.

However, walking out of the shower to a pug and a cat just sitting and staring at you is quite comical. Especially with the looks on their faces like "what the hell are you doing?"

Saturday, May 22, 2010

lost my shoes

"We got no food, we got no jobs.....and our shoes are falling off!!!"

Hahaha it's a take on the Dumb and Dumber quote....but it's so accurate of the other night. That quote was a staple in our classroom because one of the kids' shoe was always falling off but the other night it turned into a whole other meaning.

Had a night out on the town with my friend Britt. Went to a gay bar. Danced.

Got pretty drunk off three shots and two mixed drinks.

Threw up on the sidewalk....and proceeded to throw up all over my feet when a friend found it necessary to try and move me while I was still upchucking.

Lost my shoes in the Jaguar that drove us home (yes this guy had a Jag....and I remember NO part of it other than seeing the Jag thingy on the hood as I got out of the car).

Woke up with a killer hangover.

Had to have my brother drive me back to Denver to retrieve my car (thankfully no parking tickets or towage).

Had a fucking blast.

But now I'm out one pair of flip-flops and a whole day wasted feeling nauseous with a sweet headache. ;-)

Dumb decisions. Great Memories.

Wouldn't trade it.

Damnit.....I wish I still had my shoes. Quite fitting I had to walk around barefoot the next morning because I didn't have any damn shoes!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Being Different

It's amazing how sometimes we become so used to being around something that it becomes second nature and normal. When in fact, to others it's so not normal and is SO different that it makes others uncomfortable.

Today I started my summer job of working with Ethie's family a couple days a week. Today's agenda: the museum of nature and science with Annie and the kiddos. First stop: the space odyssey room.

In one of the little space adventures rooms for kids, it resembled the moon with a little crater containing moonrocks (little rocks made of black styrofoam) in which kids could put on adorable little space suits and run around driving a spaceship and then gathering moonrocks and/or throwing them in the crater.

After all my time this year with Ethie, there is nothing foreign to me about wheelchairs, braces, orthopedics, walkers, etc. There's nothing abnormal to me about being around someone with any of this equipment and I don't stare at it, ask questions, nor even really recognize the exceptions one has to make in terms of space/time/etc. Well with Ethan I forget all about this naturally. I wheeled him into the room and not wanting to take him out of his wheelchair to only three minutes later put him back in, he pushed up to the crater and I handed him moonrocks to throw in there. Ethan loves throwing, loves being a boy, and loves to rough/tumble and laugh his heart out.

One little boy came up to me and started asking questions. The first one being "Is he sick?" in which after it taking me aback I replied "No, he's not sick."

Little Boy: "Why's he in a wheelchair?"
Me: "The wheelchair is his legs."
Little Boy: "Why's he throwing like that?"
Me: "Throwing like what?"
Little Boy: "Throwing all funny and wrong..."
Me: "He's not throwing funny, this is how he likes to throw."
Little Boy: "But he's throwing wrong."
Me: "Everyone throws differently sweetie. But he loves to throw this way, it makes him happy."
Little Boy: (with a very gawking and discerning expression on his face) "He's different."
Me: "He's just a little different from you. But he's just like you."

A few minutes later when out of the room I asked Annie if she had heard the exchange and she said yes. I asked how she normally answered these questions and if there's any particular way she wants me to answer. See, I'm totally used to this and so is Annie, and so are the kiddos in our classroom. I haven't had to answer these questions to date. So it was weird. Like I said, for me it's completely normal.

Annie said that my answers were perfectly fine and they there's really no right way to answer them, especially with children who aren't used to it. She then proceeded to tell me that people gawk at him a lot (which I can more understand) but that it's happened frequently where people will come up and touch his head and pray for him. People have come up and told Annie they were sorry and one man came up and held onto Ethan's hand and started crying and freaked Ethan out.

Holy foreign world to me.

I will admit, I wasn't always this atuned to being around people with disabilities or special needs or's become normal since high school as I've had tons of exposure with different people and different disabilities. In high school while lifeguarding, I consistently encountered a man who came to the pool in a wheelchair and needed help with the pool lift and whatnot. I've had friends who have had prosthetic legs, I've helped out at a camp for people with disabilities at the age of 13, the mail guy at CSU had cerebral palsy and was wheelchair-bound, etc. It's normal. I know these people aren't breakable, it's nothing that different.

But even before then I never gawked at these people in the negative way that I see SO many others doing. I stared, pure fascination because differences fascinate me. I wanted to educate myself and learn more and I was always fascinated that these other people overcame these differences to be normal like me. I loved seeing people in wheelchairs being able to maneuver themselves easier in a wheelchair and faster than I could with two healthy legs. I enjoyed learning that those with cognitive disabilities had senses of humor and had wonderful smiles, etc. I loved getting to know the people behind the disability, and yes I stared out of fascination of these individuals.

But holy smokes, most people are not very understanding nor loving nor comfortable around others with these differences. In fact if they aren't asking sorta mean questions or acting as though these people aren't really people, they usually just stay far away with a look of fear.

Today I was reminded how different most people think Ethan is when in fact he's not different at all. He's smart....he knows his colors and shapes and alphabet. He loves to explore and play with things. He loves to rough/tumble and get dirty. He loves playing ball and fighting with his twin brother. He gives others hugs and shows a look of concern when someone is crying or upset. He laughs when you play silly games with him. He hates being in his wheelchair if given a choice to be out and loves running around with assistance. He loves art and coloring and playing cars. You don't have to talk to him any differently than you'd talk to any other four-year-old. He's not dumb, his body is just a step behind his mind.

I wish that others would learn that those who are different are really not so different nor anyone to be scared of. They aren't a thing or any less human than we are. They were just made limited edition :-) They are just as amazing and important as we are. And there is nothing different about needing some assistance in life. We all need assistance...they just need a different form of assistance.

Like I said, to me being around people who are "different" is so second nature it's nothing whereas to most others I realize they aren't around the same people I'm around. However, I wish the world was more understanding and less afraid of differences of all sorts. We'd all be the better for it!

My Blessed Life

The more I work with special needs kids the more I truly know I'm blessed beyond verbal words can express. Not because I have capabilities they don't, nor because I get to have an "impact" on their life, whatever that means. But because by working with them and being around them, I get to see miracles EVERY DAY and I have learned so much about life that others never will.

Our last day of school with the kids was yesterday so therefore we get a ton of thank you's from parents and kiddos and co-workers. I'm always told I have a "gift" of working with kids and then I'm told I have a "gift" of working with special needs kids. I don't know if I believe all that, because to me it's just natural. But the more I hear it, and the more I watch others, the more I'm staring to realize that it really is a gift. It's a gift from God that just happens to be routed through me. It's one of the sack full of gifts God gave me when He made me. Everyone has their own set of gifts, and this is part of my set.

Anywho, we got a ton of thank you notes and we have been reminiscing about how far each of our kiddos have come. And really when we look at it, we have always been able to see the daily miracles but looking back we can see the overall miracles that have happened along the way.

One of our parents wrote a thank you note to Kendall, our main teacher, in which one line made me cry. In the note she said that her beautiful boy was a gift, and Kendall had helped to open him up. And it's the truth!! He has come leaps and bounds this year, in this past two months alone the leaps and bounds have been enormous. He's a different person than he was at the beginning of the year. And I hear that he's a totally different little boy than he was last year. And all of it is nothing short of a miracle. A miracle that has been obtained by a village, all of whom God's gifts have taken a part of. All of us were placed in his life at certain points for certain reasons to help teach him things at certain times along these past two years.....and the miracle is SO obvious when every one looks back at matter where in that timeline we all stepped in.

After talking to the mom of my little Ethie today while we were out on an excursion to the museum, it became obvious that Ethan's progress in this last year is remarkable but especially when compared to a mere two years ago....half of his life. This little boy whom is my sunshine is an absolute miracle after hearing more about when he was an infant. And what a remarkable feeling it is to be able to sit next to this kiddo and hold the hand of this precious little miracle of God and get to see firsthand the power of it all!

But more importantly, these kids have blessed my life by teaching me certain things....things they had no idea they were teaching me.

1. Being able to be around such fragile little children has really shown me the blessing that is life, and the power that is our God. Our God is a powerful God. He can make things happen that we would label as "impossible" or "impractical" or with words like "never" or "highly unlikely" or "difficult". Nothing is beyond my God, and everything is possible through Him. These miracles are proof of my God and a demonstration of His love. These children are the most amazing people I have ever met.

2. I have learned just HOW beautiful and precious life really is. I had a fairly good grasp on this before I started working with them as I can see the blessing and beauty in the smallest things around me. But this just put it on a whole new spectrum of perspective. There is SO much beauty to life, and there is SO much beauty and wonderment to be had in "imperfections". These kids are little humans that get looked at as though they are aliens by others who are not used to being around anyone that is "different". But they are SO beautiful and amazing. And unfortunately most people won't be able to see past the rough and different exterior to see the beauty that lies within because most people never get past a superficial level of getting to know other people in general. People and life are so precious. And those thoughts alone are what make me SO happy on a daily basis. I wish others could feel this absolutely love for life and all that is in it.....because heaven knows, most people will never get to feel this.

3. Once again I have learned the power of a smile. It is one of the most powerful things out there, along with love. It is the simplest thing to show another person, it speaks wonders, and it's such a small act....that is all too often overlooked, left forgotten, and underestimated. I can't even tell you how many smiles I have given were fake but they cheered others up, but how many were real and how much MORE they affected others. Not to mention that no matter WHAT was going on in my life this past year, anytime I saw Patrick or Ethie and saw their beaming smiles.....absolutely NOTHING else mattered. All worries were gone for that little while that I was with them....all because they smiled so sincerely at me. I really wish more people smiled, or could understand this concept. There is just NOT enough smiling in this world. But my kiddos are some of the happiest people there are....and they face trials NONE of us could even begin to imagine ever going through.

I am SO blessed for getting the chance to work with my kiddos, my special needs kiddos. And I really wish that everyone got the opportunity to partake in something as wonderous and miraculous as I've gotten to take part in this past year. I wish all people in my life could learn the simple yet profound lessons I've learned this year from my kiddos and the people I've worked with in conjunction with, and I wish more people could feel and know they are as blessed as I know I am. Blessed for simply being alive!

If you read this, please take a few minutes to count the blessings in your life....because God has blessed you immensely! And then take enjoyment in knowing that your life is beautiful and wonderful and so incredibly blessed.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Raw Emotions

Well I sit here....a tumblr of seems to happen every few weeks.

The first one anxiety because no matter how hard I work, I can't ever seem to stay afloat financially. Living off of less than $1000/month working my ass off really sucks sometimes. I feel like I can't ever get ahead. I wish I could. I don't know how people ever manage to save up or go anywhere but I can say that I can't imagine every living above the poverty line which is why I'm very thankful I have the option to live with my parents right now. I wouldn't be getting by very well if I couldn't live with them.

The second one is a sense of relief. It's summer and with summer you can just breathe easier!! Or is it just me that feels that way?! I don't know what it is but there's something about the warm weather and sunshine that's like a natural opiate for me. It gets me high as a kite and makes me silly with happiness. I won't apologize for that. It's my natural drug.

The third one is a sense of flying. I bought some new music off of itunes yesterday and it has me on a HIGH!! I got Armin van Buuren's Universal Religion 2008 and then finally copied his A State of Trance 2010 to cd's so I can listen to it in my car and it's like floating on a cloud nine. I have a sudden urge to take a roadtrip just to listen to the five hours of new music I have available to me. Unfortuantely I do not have a desire to spend that money on gas currently so that's going to have to wait until end of June....and hopefully by then I'll have a destination in mind.

The fourth is dreaming. I've been dreaming so much lately about how nice it would be do to so many things. They all involve money however so they won't ever happen in the near future. Once again, money just holds me back from so much....hence the anxiety over money. Crap. I hate money!! Seriously, I need to learn how to make some. Anywho, this summer I want to go on some adventures. I have some goals in mind that include workout goals, biking goals, personal goals, relaxation goals, financial goals....will I be able to attain them?! It's going to take focus and self-discipline...that's for sure!

The fifth is this weird bittersweet emotion. Eric and I are no longer dating in any sense of the word as I found out this last weekend. It's summer and the highs as well as the lows of last summer all involve around him and of course, the summer jams that still play from last summer sort of hit a sore spot as I found out when one came on. In one hand it's good. I'm no longer left with a half-holding-on feeling with him but I also find that I miss the friendship that I'm sure will disappate now that we aren't dating. We did a lot together....things that we both enjoy, that I really enjoy really, and right now they just hold a bit of a sour punch with them. Like biking. I lost my biking buddy....we were supposed to ride to Denver and back together this summer. Not gonna happen. My hiking buddy, not gonna happen. So now I have to either find other people to do this with....which it seems more and more of my friends are wandering away....or I do it on my own. Sad day. I feel like I shouldn't be admitting this but I was rather looking forward to sharing some of those things with someone who enjoyed them as much as I do. However, I also know that now I don't have to worry about whether or not he's going to let me down in doing these things. Things that I set aside for him that he probably would have waited til last minute to bail out on me. And I can push myself at my own pace and not worry about always having to be on the go or at his pace. But it's a fresh bittersweet feeling that is not the bittersweet feeling I like. I usually welcome any and all emotions but this one is one that I've never been a fan of.

The sixth one is one of excitement. There's so many opportunities out there that I don't know how to grab ahold of that are beckoning and it's sort of scary/crazy/anxiety-ridden. But it makes me excited to see what God is doing. I have no idea what God's doing in my life. I really feel more ahead but yet more lost than ever and I'm getting excited that it really can't go anywhere but forward and up from here. There's so much out there waiting....I just need to take it by the horns and run.

The seventh one is love. I'm loving my life. My life is not easy, it's hard at times, it's stressful, and there's never a lack of entertainment. But I love it. Dan and I were talking about how some emotions just suck....but unlike other people we welcome emotions and don't run from them. We embrace the passion that lies within us and all the intense emotions that come with it. I think more than others we open ourselves up to extremes of pleasure and extremes of disappointment....simply because we don't run from most things in life that others run from. We're not afraid to love nor to be hurt as a consequence. We're not afraid to really allow our guards down and to laugh with every inch of our soul....and then turn around and cry every single tear in our body dry. And I love that. I love the people who have proven they want to stay in my life and be there for me despite all the craziness that surrounds my life. I love the people who aren't afraid to tear down my walls and get to know the real me and love me despite all the imperfections they see. I love that I get to wake up and be completely unsure of my life and therefore have to shakily put all my trust in God, when I really have no idea what direction He is leading me. I have a shaky faith at times, I will admit that. I have a hard time asking for help or guidance.....but I try my hardest to put that aside and let God work through me and for me. I love the little blessings I get to see every day simply because I appreciate the small things in life. I love that I love people and find beauty all around me. I love that I'm usually optimistic and a tad goofy. I couldn't imagine being any other way. I love that passion is a huge part of my life and that I won't go down without a fight (sometimes this REALLY is not a good thing). I just love that I love and that it's something I value so much, as there's so many forms of love and it's the greatest feeling anyone could ever hope to feel.

There's so many raw emotions going through me right now. An endless amount of questions, hopes, and doubts that I can't even begin to put in words. There's so much I want yet so much I'm grateful for. There's so much I want to see and do, yet there's too much on my plate that I don't want there. There's not enough time to do the things I love and there's way too much time for the things that HAVE to be done. I have some fears yet I dream so ardently. It's a vast ocean of opposite and conflicting emotions for me right now.

Yet I sit here with a smile and an excitement to go upstairs and read my bible and listen to my music that makes my heart "fly". I sit here with fears for my future, with doubts that I can achieve what I want to achieve, yet with a belief that I'm meant for something great.

Raw emotions.....there's nothing that gets to the core of someone faster than a few contradicting raw emotions. Now the question is, how do I decipher these feelings, what do I do with them, and how much of them do I allow others to see/help me with?! Now that is the real challenge....

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Tout a'leure

Tonight I say au revoir to another one of my best friends that I have to let fly.

Apparently we are all growing up.

We are all growing and moving on to amazing adventures on other sides of the planet. Ok well they are, and here I sit still.

But it's never goodbye, it's see you for now I will keep them in my prayers, think of them lots, appreciate the amazing friendships they've given me, carry their love with me, say tout a'leure.....and wait until the days that I get to see them again.

Fly my loves, fly and bring back some amazing memories :-)

Friday, May 14, 2010


How do you get over a broken heart?! The second time?!

Why does it hurt just as bad the second time around as it does the first?!

This is dumb. I'm tired of being hurt. And I'm tired of hurting.

I'm trying to learn to be content but it never makes heart ache hurt any less.

I think tonight might be a bookreading night so I can make my mind go elsewhere, my bible being the first book I pick up.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sore Body, Appreciative Mind

I started working out again....and my whole body hurts. In the past three days I've done three workouts. WOOHOO!! So not only is every part of me sore, I'm pretty exhausted.

And my body decided to get sick, which means I completely lost my voice. No worries, a lot of quiet time, some tea with honey, and some rest and it will come back least I hope!!

So far my body doesn't feel so hot from working out, but mentally already it's done wonders! It feels good just to be active. And I'm craving more....but physically I can't handle it. I have to tell my body "slow your roll" but I can't wait to start seeing results. Slow and steady wins the race.

But I'm thankful. While Ty and I were working out on the second day he made the comment "I'm sore as hell. Fuck my life." Well I live with an LML attitude...."love my life." And I really do. I'm sore but it's for my better health!!

I told Ty though "I'm sore as hell too....but at least we can walk and exercise on our own. My little Ethie can't do that." And really it's true. He can't. So I'm thankful that I have the ability to work out and appreciate my limberness in terms of being able to walk on my own. (Trust me, limber is a relative term....I'm not that limber in comparison to a good grip of the population but you catch my drift....)

And today I've been very frustrated, not being able to talk and answer questions. The few times I do choose to answer I have trouble "starting" my voice and then when it comes out my voice breaks and people can't understand me. On the other hand though, I think God is taking this opportunity to show me a new appreciation for my kiddos whom I have trouble understanding....our "nonverbals" and speech kiddos. I can more understand how difficult it may be for them to communicate and talk. I literally am having to use all my energy to talk, just like Ethie. But he does it with a smile on his I'm trying to learn to do it with a smile on my face as well!! How beautiful the gift of communication is....and how too often we take it for granted.

So even though I can't talk and climbing the stairs is a pain in my arsenal....I'm very thankful and feel so blessed right now. I can walk, and I can talk, and I better understand my kiddos' struggles that they go through day-to-day.

God, you sure do have a funny way of making me "slow my roll" to teach me patience and understanding. Thank You!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Special Needs Butterflies

Working in a special needs classroom, my kids provide quality entertainment every day. Take preschoolers who have so much personality and then add the different angles of special needs kids and you have a ton of comedians on your hands!! Every day I can find something that they do to laugh say the least. Or a situation that occurs.

Well one such situation has provided plenty of entertainment for us teachers.

We did a bug unit a few weeks ago and we decided to order in some caterpillars so the kiddos could watch the transformation into butterflies. One of our books was The Very Hungry Caterpillar and they learned the process so we thought it would be neat for them to watch it firsthand! We ordered in 2 containers, each containing five caterpillars with food at the bottom of the container. One for the morning group and one for the afternoon group. We gave them names (which have since sorta become irrelevant...stay tuned you'll find out why!). And we waited for them to eat and spin their cocoons from the paper that lies at the top of the container. Part of the process is that you have to be gentle with them. In a classroom of special needs children, gentleness is something we work on quite often but we were SO proud of our kiddos for being so gentle and careful of the containers.

Until one afternoon when one of our kiddos, who is an adorable and amazing little girl in terms of how far she's come, but is sort of spazzy sometimes, accidentally knocked over the container. OH NO! We rushed to pick it up but unfortunately the trauma was too much for one caterpillar who was wounded by the food flipping over on him. But there was hope!! The others lived, we got the food back on the bottom, and then we put the containers on a shelf where the kids could see them but was safer in terms of the ability to knock the container over. They started weaving cocoons and the kids were SO anxious, checking every so often to check on them and watch them spin.

Unfortunately in the same container, two cocoons fell off for whatever reason. As teachers we were sad, there were three goners out of 10 caterpillars but we told our class that the ones at the bottom still might hatch (sometimes approaching death with children is a hazy area). Once all cocoons were spun, we hung the paper in each container at the top of a butterfly container and stuck the cup with the fallen cocoons to wait and see what happened.

On thursday during class one of our butterflies came out!! Tiana was the first to hatch.....though poor Tiana got stuck on a thread from her own cocoon and we had to cut the thread off, so now she has a big wad of cocoon stuck on her antenna. She's a little different, flies a little bit sideways, but she's alive!!! On friday, a couple more hatched, Fritz being one of them per request of one of our kiddos.

And then magic, on monday when we came back they were all hatched!! INCLUDING the ones whose cocoons had dropped from the top!! We were all amazed....we showed the kiddos, they loved them. We gave them flowers and apples to feed on beside the food in the bottom of the containers we placed in there.

Then at lunch, being the science nerd I am, I decided to more closely observe and watch the butterflies. I will admit I might be more fascinated by all of this than the kiddos are! I tipped over the container so the two could get out (unbenownst to me they can't fly for the first day or so because their wings are wet....). When I did, I realized that we have two more special needs butterflies other than TIana.

The first one named Free Willy we named so because both his wings are curved over to one side. To say the least, he can't fly, but he's healthy and flutters around and moves quite fluently.

The second one is more of a sad situation. We named him Mimsy, something after a South Park Kendall watched that centered around a character with Down Syndrome who was actually a smart little boy (all kids with Downs are smart in their own way) but this character was always hatching evil plots with his sidekick Mimsy. Anywho, Mimsy the butterfly has come to hold a dear place in my heart, because despite what I'm about to say, he's still alive and holding on though I thought he's kick the bucket in a few short hours after seeing him. Mimsy was born without half a wing on one side and chunks missing on the other side with his wings as a whole bent and mangled all over. On one side his legs curve under instead of our and he has one gimp antenna. AND the worst thing is that his transformation was never completed. The very end of his body is not a hard shell, but rather still the furry end of a caterpillar and the hard body is not fully formed, with it being red instead of brown. Poor guy.

But how appropriate that in our special needs classroom, we have special needs butterflies?!?! I found it too amusing.

And then when Kendall tried to release them today she spilt water all over the poor butterflies almost drowning them so we had to take them in to let them dry off and will try to release them again in a few days when the weather clears up.

Our butterflies are troopers, much like our kiddos!!

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Philippians 2:12-18

I'm sitting at the family computer, admiring the sunset that I can see out the den windows, watching the neighbor boys play baseball and banter back and forth, and watching the wind gently blow through the neighbors trees.

Earlier today I went outside and the smells of the season hit me. I could smell the blossoms on the tree and a very faint hint of lilacs...mmmmm :-) Earlier this week I got to enjoy the smell of fresh rain fall and dandelions in bloom. I got to watch caterpillars go through their transformations to become butterlies this past week (in our classroom, we had caterpillars to accompany our bug unit). How amazing it is to watch such a beautiful and intimate transformation of life. These beautiful butterflies start out as these small fuzzy worm-like creatures who literally grow before your eyes and spin these rather grotesque cocoons, only to transform into something amazingly beautiful.

Today our family enjoyed mother's day together. We were all together again, for another holiday, which is going to become more and more scarce as all of us kids start to grow up and start to date and start families and whatnot. It was another day to cherish each other. I attempted to cook, nothing big, just some chicken and veggies and fruit....and of course made brownies for dessert! Our family is so blessed, we all have our health, and no real huge problems in our life. We have each other, despite all the fighting and bickering that goes on. We all love each other and when it comes down to it we all have each other's backs and good intentions in mind. Praise the Lord for being so blessed!!

Last night I got to babysit one of my little little Ethie. If there's ever a time in my life where I can see God and see His amazing love and grace and power, it's in being with my Ethie. He's just so amazing for a kid of four who fights such huge battles every single day of his life!! His smile lights up my world and for someone to be SO excited to see me every single time, well it lets me know that the light of God somehow shines through me in some way :-) Ethie has built up his endurance in walking and literally walked/jumped my back out last night. He's such a TYPICAL little four year old boy other than the fact that he can't manipulate his body real well himself and relies on of course I'm a pushover and play with him nonstop real rough for over an now my back has been in huge amounts of pain all day....but I wouldn't have it any other way. It was completely worth it.

After I put the boys to bed last night, I decided to help out Ethie's mom. I mean today is mother's day and she deserved to be treated a little bit. She's a mother to three children under 4 years of age, one being Ethie and the other being a 6-month old baby. That's a lot of work! So I did the dishes, cleaned up their kitchen, swept the floor, picked up the living room, and folded the laundry that she had not been able to get to that just laid on one of the couches. She was so surprised and loved it....she needed a day to just relax and enjoy her family and not worry about the house! And I'm glad I could help.

Annie in turn is blessing me, financially and spiritually this summer. She extended me an offer to come help out twice a week each week this summer to help play/watch Ethie and help Annie to get things done around the house, and to even on some days go with them to do fun things so she can actually enjoy being with the kids. She is going to compensate me rather well and I get to spend time with Ethie whom I adore immensely!! The Lord blesses us in ways we can't imagine. He always provides a door or a spectacular window when one door in our lives is closed.

As for other areas of my life, I am learning to be content. I have no idea when I'll get into nursing school. I have no dating life currently. My job with my kids will soon come to an end in two short weeks. And my future employment endeavors are within sight but of course never set in stone. I'm really trying to learn to be content. I'm trying to let God guide my life and not put up too much of a fight which I will admit, I'm stubborn and I fight Him a good portion of the time along the way. I'm asking a million questions and waiting for God to answer, and hoping I won't be too oblivious that I miss his answering.

We'll see where the road takes me here in these next few months. Always a crazy ride and never without a crazy story :-)

[Philippians 2:12-18]
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

14Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16as you hold out[c] the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.