Monday, October 31, 2011

Auntie Nic

The past two weeks at work have been so crazy. Quite literally! Our psych patients are keeping me on my toes. It's frustrating and stressful....and makes me laugh so intensely hard at times at the ridiculousness that can be my job. I come home at night and it's all I can do to change into sweats before crashing into bed head first some days.

I came home friday night, absolutely exhausted, but trying to be in a chipper mood as I knew my brother and sister-in-law were there for dinner. I came in, said hello, and asked what sort of pies my sister-in-law was making and in answer my brother placed an ultrasound into my hands simultaneously saying "You're going to be an aunt...we're pregnant."

In all my infinite wisdom I said congratulations....and when they asked me if I was excited my response was "It's a little blob!" Great answer Nicole!

Not quite the most excited response I've ever given...and that's probably a mistake. I know I probably should have responded better but my processing is a bit slow. I won't really fully process it until she starts showing.

But I'm going to be an aunt!! While I'm still really unsure whether I want to be a mom one day or not, I LOVE kids and I can't wait to spoil my future nephews/nieces! I love babies and can't wait to rock the little one in my arms, and watch him/her grow, and laugh/smile, etc. I can't wait!!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I am: enough. Enough: am I?

Why do I always seem to lose myself amidst the chaos? I've learned over and over again not to get too caught up in certain things, because when I do I start to lose myself. And then I find myself feeling a little lost again. But here I sit, and I find myself feeling a little lost, and I'm wondering why again this has happened. Sometimes it's mental.

I think part of it just has to do with being my age and being young. Because I feel it seems to be a theme for people my age. I think it's so easy to do when one looks at the expectations the world places on you, the expectations parents place on you, the expectations you place on yourself, and then allowing yourself to dream, and the extra little spice of life called reality that, though somewhat controllable, is always unpredictable.

Nursing school starts in 2 months. My anxiousness and excitement is remarkable. But also remarkable is the amount of self-doubt and self-questioning that always seem to make their way in. My biggest fear?! Failure. Although can I really fail?!

To head my own advice yesterday at work: I'd rather swing and strike out, then never step up to the plate at all. So why is my fear of stepping up to the plate so intense right now? Why do I always doubt myself so? I think my low batting average might have something to do with that. But my batting average can't get better if I simply allow myself to not step up to the plate.

Part of it is wanting to find my niche, in some way shape or form. I feel on a large part I don't have a niche, a place, a purpose. I'm looking for something to be my niche. And I know that they say when you stop looking for something is about the time you find it. But why stop looking? That somehow translates in my brain to give up hope and to stop caring, to become complacent. And that's exactly what I don't want to be.

I want to be happy. I want to be passionate. I want to love.

Besides that I don't know what I want. But I do know that I yearn to be enough, I yearn to be good. I yearn to shine. I yearn to be noticed. I yearn to be missed and important.

And in a lot of ways I don't feel that. And my fear is that nursing school will once again be one arena where I don't find a niche, find a way to be good, to be enough, to be important.

Or do I just constantly expect too much of myself?

Work, while I love it, has me jaded. It never ceases to amaze me how many people hate their job. And when everyone hates their job or is so glum it brings me down. I'm jaded on the attitude others have about being at work. Work is a large part of my life, because I have not much time to socialize with others and am broke, it's where I receive most of my interaction anymore outside of family. So when it's negative, that's weighty. I'm jaded on co-workers who aren't positive. And I'm jaded on the manipulation and negotiation that has come with my psych patients the past two weeks. It's tiring. And right now. I'd just like to take care of and give to someone who isn't out for some alterior motive, who isn't trying to take advantage of me, and be quick to be accusatory towards me and make simple basic care so damn difficult.

I've noticed I give so much of my energy to my surroundings, but have such a small supportive system, that I don't get positive energy fed back to me. Friends have become very distant lately, my family has so much stress and other focuses, and my social interaction comes from co-workers. I'm not being fed. The past couple weeks have been strenuous. And I'm not being given into, and all the while, giving my energy to others. I need to be filled. And I'm not.

It's become difficult. I just need some rejuvenation, support and reassurance.

But maybe I just need to find a way to pull that from within and stop whining.

It's my goal this next month to focus on myself and get myself not so lost. To become confident with where I'm at and not at once again. To come back to center and try to calm my nerves before the next crazy year I'm about to ensue on. Build up my confidence reservoir.

I am: enough.

However on a positive note, my brother and sister-in-law are expecting. I will be an aunt in June. Hopefully I can be a great aunt! Jenni wants me to be at the birth to photograph the experience. I pray that God will allow me that small miracle to be there so that I can partake in that blessing. We'll see what happens!

So much more on my mind, but for now I'm going to immerse myself in an old guilty pleasure I haven't immersed myself in for quite awhile. Since Halloween is tomorrow, I'm going to fall asleep to a horror movie. Old nightmares, is it time we say hello again?!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

FALL-ing into place

Colorado, you are very so very mysterious. I love this about you! However, no matter how long I’ve lived here it never makes it any less puzzling. Mysteriously beautiful. Which is why you chose to pretty much keep summer around so long. However you decided it’s ok for mornings to continue getting colder…which is quite convenient for my 6:30am walk to work! ;-)

But alas, here comes fall, more like winter. Still refuse to give up my flip-flops!

Speaking of fall, some things are falling in place. I was able to secure all the funding I need for the first 1/3 of next year!! Yes!! And yes I did just say it’s only the first 1/3 of the year that I got funding for. I have to wait until the next FAFSA period to get the other 2/3 but hey, for now I’ll take it!!

I’m moving into a townhouse with 3 other students, which I think is for the best. Hopefully it proves to be a good environment and fruitful and supportive for me. I think it will and you know what, I’ll make it that way for sure!

I’m getting very nervous and very excited! Very anxious. Some days I think I might be crazy and some days I think I’m completely sane. Either way, things are falling into place and it’s reassuring that for some reason it is!

So here’s fall, and with only 3 more months left til school starts, I hope more things continue to keep falling into place :-)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Pre-Nursing Gear Up


I sit here slightly freaking out, in both good and slightly anxious ways.

In roughly 2.5 months I start the most exciting adventure of my life to date...the adventure of nursing school, the adventure of the accelerated nursing program. One year of nothing but nursing school. Ok that's an exaggeration. There will be other things included in there, but nursing school is going to dominate.

It's going to be crazy, chaotic, intense, thrilling, challenging, stressful, blissful, scary, wonderful, and quite consuming. I couldn't be more excited and scared at the same time!

Preparation for the program is incredibly involved. After graduating with my first bachelor's I knew I'd be going through this process of gearing back up. But the last time around I wasn't gearing up and making preparations for a whole year of my life, (rather stretched out into 4 years), a whole year in which all of the education and experience would be packed into! But here I sit and here I marvel at what's unfolding.

Loan processing is still in the works. I have half of the funding for the first 1/3 of the year (why yes, isn't that slightly confusing) and am waiting for the approval for the second half of the funding I need. Hopefully the loans get approved!! They need to in order to start the program! I have scrubs taken care of, and the stethoscope part of it is still being figured out. Luckily I already have great shoes from working in the hospital so that expense is taken care of.

Housing is dependent upon loans but miraculously God is providing an avenue that if fruitful will allow me and three other accelerated students to room together in a townhouse close to campus. Not only will it make it more convenient for travel and gas expenses, but the support system of living with three other individuals who are going through the same thing I'm going through is invaluable. Not to mention convenient studying partners! Again it's all dependent upon my loans getting approved but God-willing it will work out.

Most of my pre-licensure stuff is taken care of, short the drug screen and the background check. The drug test will get taken care of on thursday and the background check will be initiated next month when I have more funds available to do so.

Once those are taken care of, the biggest things to take care of are making sure the loans go through, to get the housing, move into the apartment, and buy my books. Sounds so easy but I'm completely type A and freaking that I don't have more "for-sure" answers figured out.

But I keep reminding myself, God will provide if this is really meant to be. And selfishly I hope so. My dream is so close I can taste it!

While I'm not a fan of putting myself into so much debt, I haven't found any other way. Here's my dream...hopefully I can run full force ahead and make my dream a reality...and use it to pursue other dreams.

So much to do, so little time. Full throttle ahead.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Music Within

I sit here watching this movie called Music Within. It’s the story of Richard Pimental who was a public speaker who, having become deaf via the Vietnam War, turns into an advocate of sorts for the disabled community. He was a prominent driving force behind the Disability Acts that were enacted in the 90′s and wrote the first diversity trainings.

What an inspirational and humorous story!!

It just reinstated the passion I have in my heart in creating a space of equality for all those around me and for making sure that each person is noticed, recognized, treated with kindness and respect, and is treated with compassion.

The story also brought some bittersweet feelings, as one of Richard’s greatest friends, Arte, has cerebral palsy. It made me miss my little Ethie, and more than ever made my arms feel empty and useless. Yes I embrace others quite frequently, giving hugs like free candy, and more recently give massages to others. But in a lot of ways my body feels a sense of uselessness not having my little kiddos to scoop up. I miss being an extension of Ethan’s body and using it to help him move!! As crazy as that sounds as it was back-breaking work, I miss it. I miss him. I miss his smile, I miss the fire of his life, and I miss the purpose my life inherently had because I got to be a part of his.

It warmed my heart to see the friendship between the two!!

Anywho, it’s a great story!! Check it out

"The differences that you make that are of the ones of lasting importance, they are the little differences that you make in the life of another person." ~Richard Pimentel