Just A Bit Along

When it comes to the topic of life, it's all up in the air right now. Everything is. My whole life is undecided and unknown, everything is a perpetual transition state. Nothing feels completely right or comfortable, my whole life feels a tad bit foreign to myself.

But that's how this point in my life is supposed to be so I take every day in strife, knowing that I'm not supposed to have any answers right now.

When it comes to guys, I yearn for companionship.....but at the same time I know I'm just fine on my own. Eric and I still have not talked, I don't understand what happened. It hurts, I still love him and don't want to be with anybody else. In all honesty, I still want him. But I can't help but think God maybe knows what he's doing. Eric and I are maintaining a good friendship. We haven't seen each other in person yet since everything happened, but we had a very decent conversation yesterday, and I know I will see him soon in the future. I still enjoy time with him. It might be a little bit out of the normal compared to how I'm used to being around him, but we're both adult enough to know it's possible. And I like that. And I can't help but think he enjoys my company. I just think he's also at a place in his life where he's not sure what he wants.

Employment is still that unobtainable goal. But it's not a permanent one. My jobs as a substitute paraprofessional and substitute teacher will soon start within the school district. I know it's not a long-term job in terms of it's not what I want to do with my life but I think the flexible job is great for me, not to mention it's an absolutely great learning and life experience. God opened this avenue for me for a reason. I am also going to start looking to be hired on with other school districts other than Brighton. I think moving out of this place will once again prove to be an essential for my happiness.

Right now I'm living with my aunt. It's what's the best for me, mentally and emotionally. My parents don't have the time, emotional strength nor are at a point in their lives where they can deal with the constant unknown that is my life. I've also found our lives are meant to be lived differently and apart. Right now our relationship is not great. That's an understatement. I hope one day in the future it won't continue to be this way but for now, we are at such different points in our lives, under different stress, that we can't relate. I don't think they can really see what my motives are and what's best for me. Right now they can't understand what I'm going through.....so for me, I am at a place where I can try to find answers for my life. Right now, I need to be selfish and find my direction for my life. And I need to try to be of the least amount of stress and burden to them. They have enough of that in their life that they don't need to be worrying about me. They need to focus on getting their own situation figured out, and not have my troubles, worries and problems within their knowledge. It only stresses them out more.

I hope to be living in the middle of downtown Denver. Another reason I will be looking at other school districts. I can move where I want to with my sub teaching license. Once I have it, I hope to start also working in the Denver school district. If I can get hired on at Cherry Creek (yes it's a stretch) and can find a roommate to share a one-bedroom, I can completely afford living down there AND save up money for nursing school :)

I got a call from a recruiter at University yesterday.....he basically told me that when a position comes available for a CNA position to give him a call and he will get me a first-round interview. Because I am so open to working full-time, whether it be day/night/rotating and can work weekends then my availability is pretty wide open for that sort of thing. Until then, my subbing can hold me over. And when I do get a job, whatever days I don't work I can still fill up with subbing positions as I determine my own schedule basically. It works very well for someone like me who needs flexibility as well as an income.

Downtown Denver is really where I want to be. Living with my aunt is better for my soul for right now than living at home, but it's a pure stepping stone to where I want to be. I want to be in the middle of it all, in Denver, making my way. Not to mention, Denver is where I want to be working and going to nursing school. It makes sense to me to be down there. And I just think it's where I need to be right now. It's just a matter of getting there.

Life has been complicated and hard....but I've had some amazing friends help me out emotionally recently. I couldn't be doing this without them. They all have the utmost faith that I am going to make it, that I can do what I want. They believe in me and love me and support me and encourage me.....and also tell me when I'm being a dumbass. I love them. I can't imagine where I would be right now without my friends. It just amazes me over and over how great of friends I have :) God blessed me SO much when he put them in my life.

The big 2-2 is right around the corner. AHHHH!!!! Not really but I never thought I'd be an adult. Adulthood is scary, but I'm liking knowing I'm starting to make my own way in this life and creating my own life. It's invigorating :)

Just a little bit farther along than I was yesterday with a majestic unknown road in front of me. A little bit nervous but also faithful knowing God is right there behind me the whole way. Here we go Lord, please just make sure I don't get too lost along the way, I do need Your help.

Tiny Town

My aunt took my nephew and I to Tiny Town today for another grand adventure. I think I almost had as much, if not more, fun than Tyce did!! He had me crawling in and out of buildings of which the doors to get into were barely big enough for me to maneuver through while his tiny body ran in and out easily....but it is always great to get to spend a day with his pure enthusiasm. Not to mention when he's in a great mood, like he was today, he is absolutely the biggest thrill ever.

Is it bad that one of my favorite best friends to be around currently is a 2-year-old that's not even my own kid?! I love it!! I love getting to play with him and simply be Aunt Nikki!! I like to be the one that tickles him and gets him riled up only to send him back home and the one that insists on holding his hand while he desperately tries to escape my grasp in the parking lot. I love it all....except the stinky diapers part. And even THAT I can handle :)

Support Network

This little smile has been what it's been all about for me. Call me crazy but the innocence of a child reminds me how short life is and how much we should take enjoyment in the little things.

His adamence about the smallest things and enjoyment in life's very simple pleasures always brightens up my day.

He's not afraid to love those around him with all his heart, demand what he needs either emotionally or physically, and live life vicariously. I wish that people could remember to do the same when they are older. It makes life so much more simple.

My friends have all been the biggest support network to me right now. I've had friends rally around me that I haven't talked to in years, best friends stand by my side and offer me shoulders to lean on once again, and friends who simply offer to talk if I need it. I couldn't be more thankful for the number and quality of friends I have. I truly am a blessed woman to be able to keep such great friends around me.

Life comes down to relationships. It's not about what you have, what you can buy; it's who you have in your life and whether you can support and love and encourage each other no matter what. I've learned that I can't offer my friends anything other than my heart, but that's exactly why all my friends and I remain close. Nothing is expected other than loving each other and being there for each other. Listening and supporting, despite differences and disagreements.

I love them all :) I only hope that I can be there for them like they have me when they go through their hard times.

Worst Bar Trick Ever

and I fell for it!!!

Ouch.

Broken hearts suck.

Winter park is beautiful.

Tyce is my salvation right now.

I need to cry but can't.

Drinking Jack Daniels.

Ouch.

Recklessness

I live my life by my heart, but also on thrill. I seem to usually amp up the adrenaline rushes especially when my heart is hurting. Today my adrenaline rush was getting my nose pierced. I love it :) Adds a little character to me that wasn't there before!!

Lately I've surrounded myself with very encouraging and supporting friends and family. I love being around my nephew. He makes life so meaningful and fun and always provides a hearty laugh and a great dose of honest reality!!

Dreaming. I've been doing a lot of it lately. What are my goals in life? How am I going to get there? Who is going to be coming on that journey with me? Who will come, and who will go? What places will I see? What will I accomplish? All have been heavily on my mind. I guess it's not hard when you're starting from scratch. But it also leaves me feeling a little lost. A little directionless. This is where I trust God, and trust His hand on my heart to lead me.

So why is it always leading me to a path that I don't understand? Only time and God will tell.

Until then, time with the girls is a much-needed entity for my heart. They are the only ones who understand it during these times.

Cheers to two besties who will be there no matter what. I love them. Here's to you Gwennie and Britt, to the two ladies who hold very dear parts of my soul. Bottoms up!

Eric....I miss him already. Boys: when will I learn?! Is it bad to admit that I felt there was something very special about him?! Getting my heart broken hurts a ton more than I thought it would. Is it also bad to admit that I selfishly want him back in my heart?! Why do girls always hold onto hope, even the smallest amounts: hoping that maybe this is all just a sense of confusion in him?! And why do we always blame ourselves?! I keep wondering what I did wrong. I just wish he would talk to me and let me know what's going on and why. There hasn't been any explanation yet. Any sense of whether we are dating or broken up. Confused. Very confused. Hurt. very hurt.

One wish: that he would have gotten to know me better. If he would have given me a chance to really get to know me, be around me in places and situations I was completely comfortable, I think he'd change his mind. He saw a lot more of that on thursday than any other time. What happened?! Two months is not enough time to get to know me well enough to know whether things would work with me or not. I blossom slowly, always have. Just want a chance and not a door slammed shut.

Maybe it's him?! Maybe he's not ready for a relationship?! Maybe he just wasn't ready for what I have to offer him?! I honestly think he's afraid of letting people too close for fear of getting hurt again. That was always in his eyes. Maybe I was getting too close?! Like I said, I don't know. All questions unanswered.

Looking towards the future, looking at the past.....wondering where do I go from here?!

My heart hurts :( really badly

Had an absolutely wonderful date with Eric on thursday.

Got hardcore blown off saturday.

Ignored on sunday.

"We need to talk" on monday.

Very confused and hurt. still no official break-up talk. without explanation. surprised. shocked. saddened. lost.

my heart hurts :(

stupid girl, fall in love just to have your heart broke a short while later. at least i fell in love with someone i wanted to. no matter how short of duration.

God, this one's all yours, I can't handle this one on my own. I need your strength and love for guidance and healing and protection. Please take care of Eric's heart and mind. I feel he's very confused too right now. I care about him too much to see him in any pain as well. I pray this is all your will and that your will be done, no matter how much I don't like it and it hurts. Thank you for my many blessings in life. Thank you for my health. I saw Rain today and it made me realize just how much I need to value my health and my life. Not everyone has that gift. Thank you for my nephew. Even through my choked tears he was able to bring a hearty laugh to my face and complete love to my heart. Thank you for family, for being there in times of need. Thank you for my eyes for getting to open them this morning to the beauty of this earth. Thank you for the chance at love with all my heart. Lord, please watch over and take care of my heart, I really need it. Please watch over and take care of Eric's heart. Please provide comfort for us both, whatever reason this is happening. Between family troubles, Eric and this rough transition period in my life, I give it all up to you Lord. I've reached my emotional threshold. I can't do it on my own, don't want to do it on my own. I need your help. Thank you for eternal life, no matter how undeserved. I make too many mistakes to deserve your love and guidance but I receive it anyway, just because I ask. Thank you Lord for all my blessings, no matter how small or big, no matter how many I recognize or don't. Thank you Lord. In Christ's name, Amen.

Reprieve

I've got to work two days this week. I'll be working again tomorrow by helping my aunt to set up her classroom for this next year and then working again at the embroidery shop. It feels good to have something to keep me busy though I found myself missing my nephew and his innocent enthusiasm for life!!

I got to see my ex-roomies today. Shelly spent the day with me at work and then we went to Fort Collins to visit Britt. Shelly made this different twist on pizza, we had chocolate-covered strawberries and the good ol' citrus drop soda-pop. We got to talk about our relationships, what we've been up to, a little bit about future plans. It was good to be around people that I called my home and family just a short while ago, able to let my guard down.

While I was there I saw this amazing three-piece mural on the wall and happened to notice that Eamonn was in it. Imagine three huge canvases of photos printed on and paint. One bigger and two smaller ones attached to each end. I was amazed and it fascinated me. I found out Eamonn's mom made it. Apparently she's realy good with photoshop and it looked like she had three canvases ordered....and then she added her own creativity of paint over that mural. It was beautiful and made me wish I had the ability to do that. I do have the ability, it just takes practice. I will one day...maybe I can improvise and make my own. I've wanted to for some time now. We'll see what I can muster up.

I need to start working on my nursing app and get that done asap. I'm nervous for my future. I need to get on the ball. No more messing around, my future is on the line!! Scary scary thought.

So many thoughts I want to pour out but not enough time or energy right now.

Sweet sweet reprieve.

Measuring Life by Love

Watched Rent tonight. It was an amazing movie....I actually enjoyed the movie much more so after I watched the documentary included about Jonathan Larson who wrote it. They told about his life, who he was, his dreams, his hopes, his hardships, his abilities and then how he wrote the musical. It was an absolutely inspirational thing to watch....it reminded me that there are hardships much more important than mine in this world.

It also reminded me lately how guarded I've been....around a good majority of people in my life, including my immediate family, Eric and a few close friends. Things have been so hard on me emotionally that my guard has been sky-high. It's my defense mechanism. I found myself letting myself really laugh whole-heartedly yesterday and it felt amazing; I have been too tense to do so for about a month now. Today I found myself laughing whole-heartedly again. It felt so good. The laugh that overtakes your whole body. It started chipping away at my defense mechanism.

Rent reminded me that despite all the emotional stuff going on and how hard it has been for me to cope with so much adjustment and transition, that I still need to be myself. I need to be exactly who I am. Which has been a little hard lately. I've found that when I'm at home, most comments directed at me are negative....whether they are making fun of me, my clothes, yelling at me for something, comments about hating events going on in life, etc. Because of that, I've been guarding my heart a little bit. It doesn't feel good to be constantly made fun of by those you live with and are supposed to be closest to you, so I sort of shut off. Not to mention I thrive off the energy around me; when the energy around me, especially towards me is negative it has a resonating effect that I can't quite shake off. It's hard to try to always go from that to letting my guard come down when I finally am no longer in it's presence. I only let my guard down around those that I am most completely comfortable around, those that I know I can and I don't have the fear of rejection anymore.

I've noticed it's effect on those around me. The negativity that lingers with me has an effect on every other event in my life. Starting tonight I realized I need to bring those guards down regardless. I need to continue being who I am, no matter what is going on. It's going to be hard as I built them awfully fast, but I think the best way to live my life is open and free and full of love and joy.

Why do I constantly have to be reminded of this?!?! I know it's true. I just think when my heart starts to hurt I just start protecting.

It doesn't suit my parents, who I try to gain their approval no matter how much I know it probably won't happen, but I live my life by my heart. I measure my life by the amount of love in it. I don't measure life by posessions or status.....but by the love and people in it and the amount of joy in my heart.

I can honestly say I have not much to my name, that really truly belongs to me. However, I'm the richest woman alive. I've been told by four friends and two family members that I mean the world to them and play an important role in their life. I have not done much to deserve their love or friendship but I am loved and have it regardless. I have the love of my God, His watchful eye approving (and when He doesn't He lets me know and steers me down a different path), which is of the utmost importance. I can only continue to receive love by giving it, which I do quite well and quite earnestly.

I stopped spreading love for awhile and I can tell it's not who I am. I'm getting back to it. My life is measured by love, and along with that love comes what fulfills me. It's back to working on being completely content and happy, and it all starts with love and taking those walls back down from my heart.

This time will be harder. I'm not in the nurturing supportive environment of my friends and ex-roommates as I was a couple months ago. But with God all things are possible :) and I'm too damn stubborn-headed to not share the joy and love that means so much to me!!

Jonathan Larson....thank you for your inspiration and the beautiful message and truth displayed in your musical.

Living in this moment for this moment is truly all I have. And living it with love.

Thanksgiving

Church sermon today was absolutely great!! It was about being thankful but in a way that I've never heard before.

Bible verse for today:

"Be joyful always; pray continuously; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
[1 Thessalonians 5:16-18]

We don't have to be thankful that our transmission is broken, but we need to be thankful we have transportation.

We don't need to be thankful that we broke our arm, but we need to be thankful we have limbs.

We don't need to thankful a close one died, but we need to be thankful they lived and we got to have time with them.

We don't have to be thankful for every single thing, but in all circumstances we need to give thanks.

"Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name."
[Hebrews 13:15]

Let's give God thanksgiving, for it is only because of Him that we have life.

Truth and Beauty Bombs

Why yes we do

Beta Beta Woot

Club Beta. First time. Thursday Night. Hella great.

Players: Nicole, Alyssa, Allison (underage)

Place: Downtown Denver Blake Street

Mission: Dance our hearts out

Pregame: Allison drinking vodka in the car, Alyssa and I getting vodka sprites at the club.

Act: Loosened up, dancing our hearts out. GREAT sound system :) Hella sweet. Allison and I do a little grinding. A little jumping with Alyssa. Feeling the music. Techno love. Crunk-ass bass. Disco-ball gleaming. Arms waving in the air. Mist coming from the DJ stage. Tribal dancing. Head bobbing. Passionate and wild.

End of scene: amidst dancing there's a tugging on my arm after an hour of dancing, before the main dj even comes on. kicked out of the club. apparently allison took a sip of alyssa's drink :( sad day.

That's ok....that was our appetizer. next time = main meal!!

Finale: nachos, eggs, and pie at Denver Diner. Jamming to techno in the car. Breeze against my cheek as the cool night envelopes my skin.

Happiness. Freedom. Enjoyment. Dancing. Soul. Love.

Caffe

photo by Giuseppe Pasquali

Sometimes living in Brighton I feel really uncultured. My key to the outside cultured world is a click away....via the internet. I want to experience people and culture. Which is why I love being in Denver. I love being immersed in different people and experiences and opinions and ideas and art. Oh it's just glorious!!

I started searching photography today, I don't have a good photographer's eye but I want more than anything to be able to take beautiful photographs. I want to take my camera and have all the time in the world to play and capture what I see. I want to travel and document it all in pictures. I want to display those pictures ALL over my house.

Oh the dreams that we have....I miss culture, I miss being exposed to raw and new ideas, I miss being exposed to being around people who are different than me. I loved FoCo for that reason. Oh how I miss that town. I miss those people. I miss that expression.

I hate the cookie cutter-ness of Brighton and these suburbs. I need creativity. I need difference. I need expression!!

On my goal list currently....visiting the Museum of Art in Denver and spending time at a coffee shop in Denver. Stat.

Click. Click. Boom.

Fallin For You

It's funny when you find a song that just so accurately sums up what you're feeling. Absolutely crazy.

I don't know but
I think I may be fallin' for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am tryin' not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us I see nobody
Here in silence
It's just you and me

I am tryin' not to tell you
But I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hiding what I'm feeling
But I'm tired of holding this inside my head

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I just can't take it
My heart is racin'
Emotions keep spinning out

I've been spending all my time
Just thinking about you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waiting all my life
And now I found you
I don't know what to
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinkin' about it
I want you all around me
And I just can't hide it

I can't stop thinkin' about
I want you all around me
And I just can't hide it

I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh I'm fallin' for you
[Fallin For You by Colbie Caillat]

I can't help fallin, I still try hard to rein myself in, but it's difficult. Love this song.

Decisions Decisions

Sometimes I find being this age is a bit intimidating. I have to make all these decisions that hugely impact my future. Everything from job to school to living situations, etc.

There's a certain decision I need to make and fast. The problem is that either decision I make results in heartache on my part, it's just a matter of how much.

I know I need to follow my heart. I just know that following my heart is probably going to result in me learning how to forgive others. I think as of right now I've done a pretty good job of forgiving the people this decision involves, but I'm at a point where any more forgiveness is going to be hard and take a lot of time.

The scar on my heart is already canyon deep....and it makes it harder to patch up every time.

Decisions decisions.....God, please calm my anxious heart and help me to make my decision clearly.

Hiking Horsetooth Rock

Eric and I decided to get out and about yesterday and went to Fort Collins to hike Horsetooth. This time we hiked the South Ridge Trail, Audra-something Trail, and Horsetooth Rock trail. We hiked 2.6 miles up and 2.7 miles back down. It was A-MAZ-ING!!! The view standing on top of Horsetooth Rock is absolutely incredible.

This year Colorado has gotten tons of rainfall which makes everything incredibly green which just adds to the beauty of it all :)

view from the first stopping point


ran into a deer eating!!


Horsetooth Rock


enjoying the view on our way up




view from the very top


ladybugs everywhere up top!!


Eric's victory pose


me at the very top of Horsetooth Rock

Morning Rocks

The best part of living at home is the crazy shit that happens when us three older kids are home alone or even when we have friends over. Never a dull moment.....a lot of poking and prodding at my crazy outfits (granola, fanta girl, creme saver, fruitloop, and hippie have been added to my verbal descriptions via them this past week) and a lot of music goes down in our household.

Always a song jamming when we are in the showers. It's comical and I heart it. Wouldn't trade getting ready in the morning dancing to some music with my brothers for anything. Love love.

Desire to Travel

Lately my desire to travel has been really bad. I really want to just up and go. I really wish I had the means to do so. I have the time, I have the desire, I have the camera :) Now just the resources.

Rome is on the top of my list. I wish to spend just awhile in that great ancient city getting to drink it in.

Then follow it with a night in a tiny Italian village drinking in the local culture and local wine.

If only life were that simple.

Blossoming

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Pretty Baby My Feelings Show

Love is crazy
Pretty baby
Take it real slow
My feelings show
All you have to do
Is never ever let it go
My feelings show
And I want you to know
My feelings show

I want you to know

What I'm trying to say is that
I'm feeling a change and
I'll let it take all over
If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
But I don't want to lose you
[Feelings Show - Colbie Caillat]


I had a revelation last night.

I got to see Eric after five days apart, and it was absolutely incredible getting to hug him again, get those soft sweet passionate kisses and hang out with someone who is very quickly becoming one of my best friends.

We have so much to get to know about each other, there is no question about that. We are in the very beginning stages of our relationship, which on one hand is the easiest part but also the hardest part of a relationship. It's exciting and new and fun getting to know someone, especially getting to know them so intimately. But it's also hard allowing someone to get to know me so personally, in such a vulnerable manner. But I am loving it.

My revelation last night was after I made a comment about a couple of our friends who have recently started dating, not something we would have expected. I made the comment that it is crazy but at the same time they are at the very beginning of their relationship so we'll have to see.....but then I remembered that Eric and I are in the very beginning of our relationship as well so again we'll just have to see. At first, all I could think is that holy cow, Eric has a lot to get to know about me yet.....and once he gets to know all that, will he still like me?! My gut feeling is yes. He's not going to like every part of me. I will annoy him in some manner or another eventually, but as a whole I believe he will still like me. But he still has a lot of room to decide this relationship isn't for him.

Which sort of freaked me out.....I am falling in love. I can't help it, and I'm not fighting it anymore. I've protected my heart in some manner though so that if in the end things don't work out, I have a small cushion for my heart to rest on. But the vulnerability it puts me at is a record sky-high. But I love it. It's sort of an adrenaline rush for my heart. A VERY dangerous one but a good one nonetheless.

But I realized how much I have enjoyed our relationship going slow and things being so incredibly unknown. All of my previous relationships the guys feelings for me were so rushed, and in a very pushy manner. I look back and realize I never fell in love with them, only loved them, but even that feeling was quickly expected. I pretty much made myself love in order to receive their love in return without fear of verbal retribution.

Even though I have already started falling in love with Eric I enjoy how slow things are progressing. I don't expect Eric to fall in love with me right now, as soon as I have. I don't want him to love me until his own heart is ready to do so and he chooses it. And I think that was my revelation last night. That despite my vulnerability and how slow things are progressing in some ways, I am reveling in them. For it's because of the way things are happening that when/if Eric does fall in love with me, it's out of his choosing and it's real. That to me has to be the most exciting part. Because if this works out and he falls in love with me as I am with him, it will be the first time I've been in love with someone and them in love with me. What an exciting thought!!

I also enjoy knowing that when things are rushed, the results normally don't last too long. But slow and steady wins the race. I enjoy knowing that if things do work out between us on a long-term level that the blessing of what's in store is amazing and that my huge vulnerability right now is for a beautiful reason.

Even if things don't work out, in a very twisted sense, I enjoy my vulnerability to Eric right now. It's the most open I have been to someone in this way before. It has allowed me to know I'm alive, that despite the fear of pain that could ensue, that in this moment I am living fully, loving fully and taking my life by the reins and living it.

"We can only be said to be alive when our hearts are conscious of its treasures."

Right now Eric is one of those treasures and that makes it all worth it.

Solbeam

Fall in love or fall in hate.
Get inspired or be depressed.
Ace a test or flunk a class.
Make babies or make art.
Speak the truth or lie and cheat.
Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breathe.
And enjoy the ride...
[Solbeam]

Last Night In Brooklyn

Come through the door
A darkened room
She draws white lines to set the mood
We conversate, drink our wine, she kissed my lips then checked the time
We went out to a better place, a different crowd that's more her taste
She blended in, and I don't see all the secrets that she keeps

I'm watching, stop moving, stop moving further away
The party is shaking, so why did you have to change
I've given up, I've given all that I can so
I float over you
I float over you

Outdoor Pool

Today we took Tyce to the outdoor pool.

Many memories came flooding back of working there and spending four summers of my adolescent life guarding the pool. Definitely made me nostalgic.

I had an absolute blast with him....mainly because I got to introduce him to the slide at the outdoor pool. He ABSOLUTELY loved it. The first time he was a little weary as he had no idea what was going on. But after hitting the water he laughed and giggled and could hardly contain himself enough to get out of the water to go back up. From that first time on, the whole way up the stairs he would tell me in the most excited voice "almost nikkie almost!!" (as in almost to the top) and then when we were there he could barely wait long enough to get down. All the way down he'd laugh and giggle and scream and when we hit the water he'd laugh the hardest. He wore me OUT going down that slide over and over again!!

It was an ABSOLUTE blast :) Love spending time with my family!

Tyce in the kiddie pool


first time down the slide and loving it!!


loving everytime we hit the water :)

Alcova Lake

This weekend I went boating at Alcova Lake with Eric, Dustin and Kim.

It was a blast :)

It's been quite awhile since I've been boating....due to my parents getting really busy. It's been five years. It was a little different. I'm used to being up at the break of dawn and having the boat launched first thing and enjoying lots of tubing, waterskiing and kneeboarding. This time it was cruising the boat with friends, a jetski ride (HELLA FUN!!) and a little bit of cliffjumping.

I immensely enjoy my skin finally getting a shade or two darker than casper white...that's always a good thing. Now I'm slightly darker than white....hells yes!!

Crazy fun memories

Alcova Lake



Kim and I on the boat soakin up the rays :)



The guys: Mike, Dustin, Eric



Eric enjoying the jetski



cliffjumping

PMSing

I hate PMSing....more than other people hate women pmsing, I hate it worse when I'm pmsing.

Thank God it only happens every several months.

Why oh why do the littlest things irritate me?! I hate this feeling. Yet it's hormones of which I can't control.

Ick.

Reminder to self. Try to convince brain to regulate hormones a little more normally tomorrow so PMSing is kept to an absolute minimum.

Thank gosh my period only lasts two-three days....I couldn't handle a whole week of this being-on-edge feeling.

Also thank gosh I only pms every several months. If I had to go through this every month I'd go nuts!!!

Sometimes being a woman is SO overrated.