Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I have realized that I really am interested in this guy. But I want to take it slow. Which is what would happen if anything developed between us. For now I'm honestly content being friends with him. I want to take time and get to know him. I need to give myself time from just breaking up.

He makes me giddy and I like it.

It makes me feel good.

He stopped me today while I was walking to class. Apparently I didn't hear him as I had my headphones on and he tapped me on the shoulder to say hi and chat for a few minutes. It made my day even better than it already was.

That's about all I have to say.

"When I arrive, I can bring you fire, make you come alive, I can take you higher."

Monday, September 29, 2008


Today is going to be a hard day. It's yet another day soon after our breakup but today marks the final slamming of the door on our relationship and ultimately friendship. Scott is bringing over all of my stuff and the things that "remind me of him". He will have permanently erased every aspect of me out of his life once he has done that. I'm ready in one sense for it but it's hard to know that in a few short hours I have lost a dear friend.

My body has been freaking out the past few days. My eating habits have gone by the way side. I am so hungry and exhausted from not eating enough but when I eat it makes me feel as though I need to puke and gives me a stomach ache. I've had a continual headache and I can't sleep very well. All because my mind is stressed. I can't get it to shut off and in turn it's affecting everything else. I know all things pass with time. But right now I'm waiting for that time to pass.

I have great friends though. I may not be too incredibly close to them all but I do have great friends. I just need to learn to lean on them now instead of Scott. I need someone to cuddle me and tell me I'm ok.

I know my Lord does that. I can feel it and he's kept in His arms the whole time. But the power of a real hug, a bear hug, is indescribable to me. Big warm snuggly hugs are my favorite and I guess I just need one now more than ever. Where is Mattie?! That girl gives the best snuggle hugs anyone could ever hope for.

I'm excited for the future but once again I find myself asking God "what now?" Sometimes I wish I could have even a rough draft of what the next year of my life would look like. Just so I can have a hint, a pathway to take.

I'm trying to remember what verse the pastor said in church yesterday morning that hit me. I can't even remember exactly what it said. It was Colossians and it made me feel comforted.

Lately I can't remember much. I'm overloaded and I equate it simply to like having Alzheimer's. You have the faint notion you remember something but you just can't remember to save your life, no matter how important it was. We'll see how my test in fifteen minutes treats me!! I'm sure I don't remember near enough to do well but I guess we'll see.

Alright I'm off.

Sunday, September 28, 2008


Well it's been very interesting so far. I've never broken up with anyone and it's been more trying on me than I thought. But not in the way I expected it.

I have had a sort of peace. I know I'm doing the right thing. God has calmed my heart in many ways. He gave me the strength to get the courage to even go through with it and the strength of mind to be confidant in myself. Today in church he reminded me once again that He is there for me through thick and thin. It was wonderful to go to church and worship and feel His arms around me, protecting me and lifting me up.

But the irony deals with what happened today. When Scott's previous ex broke up with him, she had full on cheated on him for quite some time. He didn't delete her automatically from his life. He kept her email address around, her memorabilia, he still stays in contact with her father. I'm honest with him, true to myself, fair to him and I don't cheat on him and the day after we break up, he is able to delete me completely out of his life 100%. I realize that I may have hurt him and he needs to deal with it but I guess I just find it ironic that the ex who is an asshole stays in his life for some time and the ex who is fairest of all gets cut automatically. It's funny the way that works.

My roommates and I had our Masquerade Ball on friday night and it was great! Well for the most part. I was pretty anti-social but my friends Cord and Kelly showed up and we talked and had a good time. I had a glass of wine then a glass of punch with orange vodka. It helped to calm my nerves but just further enhanced my exhaustion from the day's nerves mixed with the whole three hours of sleep I got the night before.

I am attracted to this guy. And I don't know what to make of it. He has such a positive attitude and positive energy. He's a Christian, which is A-MAZ-ING to me. He's not a douche bag, in fact he's a gentleman. And he's physically attractive. Kelly tells me she thinks he may like me. I like him. We'll see what happens with it.

Kelly and Brian and I are going to the Mill on the 17th. Kelly is a new Christian and Brian has gone to the Mill both at Northern Hills and in Colorado Springs. I want to go down to the Springs to see all of my old friends, so we are roadtripping it. A great way for three friends to get to know each other better and love God!! And play catch up.

Well I'm off to study and work on a group project. Update later.

Love you all, whoever it is that follows my whirlwind life.

P.S. Jesus IS the answer. Jesus is my love. I just thought I'd throw that out there. Whatever God blesses in my life is amazing. Whatever God chooses for my life I will follow. He will never hurt me, He will always love, and He will always be there. He is the way, the truth and the life. And I'm glad to say He's my biggest love.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Bumps in the road

Today I broke up with Scott after two year and two months of dating.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I don't think it's completely hit me yet. But I know it's for the best. He's a perfect gentlemen. The guy who does everything right. But our personailities just got to be too different for me to handle. He can do all the right things in the world but if our personalities aren't right for each other....

It's hard to continue in a relationship when you're not completely happy. I love him. But I can't feed energy off of him. My energy is fed directly off of others. And I just couldn't handle him not having the enthusiasm and socialness that means a lot to me, that I feed off of.

I could spend the rest of my life with him. But I wouldn't be as happy as I could be. It took me awhile to figure that out. But I'm glad I did. It might seem cruel. But I feel it's more important to be honest to him and true to myself than to be unfair.

I'm a firm believer that you should not get in relationships if you have feelings for someone else and also that you should get out of a relationship if the feelings for that person aren't what that person deserves. I can't fully give Scott my heart. It wasn't fair to continue on if I can't give him all of me. And he couldn't give all of himself to me. He needs to find out who he is first before we can do that and I'm not sure he knows exactly who he is and what makes him who he is.

I have so much more I could and want to write about all of this but we (my roommates and I) had a Masquerade Ball tonight and I have not gotten a lot of sleep this year, I'm exhausted, I'm tipsy and I just want to get to bed. Just needed an outlet.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mind purge

Wowie!!! I can't believe September is almost over. Where did August and September go?!?! I feel like it's been a whirlwind. I now understand why your parents say enjoy your youth because it goes by fast. I'm 21, graduating (hopefully) in May and I honestly can't believe I'm at this point in my life!!

Senior year is CRAZY!!! As in crazy busy, crazy chaotic, crazy mindblowing and crazyass but lovable roommates :)

However, I have a knit-pick right now. CSU is all about "diversity". You can't escape the word if you dressed up in camoflauge and hid in the trees. But I'm tired of being told I'm racist because I'm white. Just because I'm white!! I'm not diversified because my skin color is "white", because I'm "not a minority". Bladdy bladdy blah. Sick and TIRED of hearing it. I'll have you know my heritage is Native American Cherokee, Irish Immigrant and Czechoslovakian immigrants. I find it ignorant that "minorities" keep clumping me in the white category because my skin is pasty and not trying to find out what my heritage really is. Don't judge a book by it's cover. But I've experienced nothing less than reverse discrimination/racism my whole life and yet I'm told I'm privileged.

I grew up thinking monolingual meant you only spoke spanish because of where I grew up. ESL was normal. I wasn't considered for certain classes and special groups for advanced students when I was in elementary because I was white. In middle school a teacher purposely tried to give me a D when I deserved an A because I wasn't a spanish-speaking student. She refused to help me and purposely lost all the work I turned in.
In high school I had to deal with being called cracker and whitey. I couldn't apply for half the scholarships my senior year because I wasn't Latino or a minority. In college, I'm told I'm privileged, that I will graduate with less loans than minorities and "ethnics". I don't qualify for grants, subsidized loans, or workstudy. All of my loans are unsubsidized. I have paid for all of my education by working for it. I'm privileged yet I can't apply for lots of scholarships because I'm white. There are no "white only" colleges or United White Person's Fund. I will graduate with just as much in loans as any "ethnic" groups.
I can be told I dance like a white girl but when I say my brother acts black I'm racist. Which I think is rather funny considering this story:
Two years ago I drove up from where I was going to college (UCCS in Colorado Springs) to watch both my brothers play on the varsity football team. I went down to the field pre-game as my dad always ran the chains. When I got down near the line, a few black kids that I knew from being around my brothers asked me "You're Kevan's sister, aint ya?" and I told them I was. They themselves looked at me and said "That kid acts like he's black....but he's a cool dawg. We dig him." So when they say that, it's not racist. But when I mimic the words that came out of their mouths, all of a sudden I am.

I am really tired of minorities telling me how racist I am when in fact it's reverse discrimination. I find it funny that all the examples that they use are from 60-70 years ago. We ARE in a new generation. I also find it ironic that they fight the racism shown towards them by doing it to us "whites". Two wrongs do not make a right and restitution does not come in the form of being reversing discriminatory. You can't get rid of something by doing the same thing you are trying to get rid of. If that makes sense.

Anywho, that's enough of my rant. I just got really mad being told twice in one day that I was racist. Once because I said my brother acts like he's black and the other by a lecture to the entire community in her lecture. It doesn't sit well with me.

I am excited though. I'm making new friends and trying to learn to enjoy my senior year!! Finally. I want to get out more though!!

I want to go rock-climbing. I want to go bungee-jumping. I want to ride my bike for long durations of time. I want to go camping (sadly didn't get to go this summer), I want to hike up to Emerald Lake (seen some B-E-A-U-tiful pictures), want to experience Old Town and throw my precautions to the wind! I wanna live, I wanna love, I wanna enjoy :)

I feel tied to all these obligations and it's mind boggling. God didn't mean for my life to be so burdened. No instead because society says so, I've taken on everything anyone says is the responsible thing to do. In all honestly, it's just too burdening and too much! No more though, no more.

We are having a Masquerade Ball at our place on friday. It's going to be SA-WEET!! Wine, fancy dress, masks and hella cool cats. Heck to the yeah :)

It's going to be UBER amounts of fun. Yeah anywho, I have GOT to get to gettin on some of this homework. It's only due tomorrow. No biggie. AHH!!! Why do I procrastinate.

Mind dump over.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Last year I got in a car accident in which I've been suffering quite a bit of lower back pain. In all honesty it's gotten out of control. The doctor said that I have a mild form of scoliosis.

I mean this honestly, thank God for Arbonne because their herbal muscle massage gel is the ONLY thing that makes it feel better. It's the only thing that lessens the pain and relaxes my muslces. There have been nights that I've been in so much pain I'm almost in tears, tylenol doesn't work, but ten minutes after I put that stuff on, my back relaxes and I can finally sleep.

Anywho, on Thursday in my Exercise Testing Instrumentation Lab I was able to get a DEXA scan done (it scans and calculates bone mineral content, fat mass and nonfat mass to calculate % body fat). Anywho, when you print out the scan you get to see a scan of your skeleton.

It's CLEARLY obvious that my scoliosis is a little more than very mild. It's a very clear and fairly drastic curvature in my spine. It's actually quite ridiculous. So now I have to go to the doctor for my curvature.

Hopefully everything goes well :)

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I just got back from ACTnow in Minneapolis. It was A-MAZ-ING!!

Honestly, I've never been more pumped to pursue my dreams. Arbonne is my vehicle to get there. We have amazing products but more than that, it's an amazing company, based around amazing women and their teams, and the most amazing part is the emphasis on self-growth and development.

I just promoted to District Manager. And we did it as a team. My uplines helped me. And I will pay it forward when I get my own DM's. Two more steps and I'm a Regional Vice President, making a five figure income, driving a free white Mercedes Benz, and able to help those around me. It's going to be a lot of work, it's going to take a lot of guts, but I'm ready and rearin to go.

Not too far down the road I'll be at the top of the company with the ladies before me, cheering for and pulling up those behind me, gladly with both arms extended to embrace each one in a big gigantic hug.

This company treats us SOO well. I could go on and on and on. But they do. Every inch of the way, they reward you with gifts. They bestow you with praise. I have heard SO many "I'm so proud of you!"'s and many many hugs. And not pathetic wimpy hugs: we are talking HUGE BEAR HUGS! Hugs that tell you that you are loved. Heck our President of our company was congratulating our GUESTS just for being there. It's so amazing.

I can't wait to work to the top. Yes I said work. This job is work.

I'm putting on my big girl panties! Just like Rita Davenport says. They are on and ready to classily and sassily take on this world.


Emilie and I came up with our own traditions as we are going to build our team. Every business builder who makes it to DM gets an F.Y.I. necklace. Every DM who promotes to Area Manager gets a certain ring exclusive to our team. And of course, we will decide after that. We have to get there ourselves first!! And of course at Regional Vice President you get the personal phone call from Rita, the diamond studded classy watch, and the free Mercedes Benz :) And then all National Vice Presidents get the amazing About Face necklace.

Oh I can't wait!! I'm an ENVP to be :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Chasing Cats Out Of Trees

This morning was quite the adventure. We got to chase our cute kitty Tinks out of several trees and around the yard.

Last weekend when neither my roommates nor myself was home, the electrical box outside practically blew up and the electricity went out. The electricians were scheduled to be coming over today to make sure all the outlets are working and in good condition and whatnot. In order to do that we planned to leave Tink in Shelly's room with food and water with a sign that says "Cat Inside: Do Not Let Out." Shelly works at one of the dorms on Thursday's mornings from 2-8am. She texted me at 3am to tell me she had forgotten to lock Tink in her room and asked me to do it. I got the text when I got up at 6:30am and went to look for her to put her in Shelly's room. She wasn't in the window (where she likes to sit) or under the bed and I heard a low cat growl that sounded to be coming from outside. So I thought "whatever she's probably somewhere else and I'll look for her once I get ready and wake Scott up." I went to put my contacts in to hear cats fighting that at first sounded like it was coming from the apartment upstairs but once I was in the living room sounded like it was coming from somewhere outside.

Whatever, I got a shower, got ready and then was looking for Tink. Scott even got up to try and help me find her. We looked under beds, in cabinets, under tables, behind the extra mattress, by the window, etc. She wasn't there and I texted Shelly letting her know I couldn't find her. Shelly came home a few early and upon walking in the door alerted me that Tink was in the tree.

We got a chair, Shelly crawled up to get her then gave her to me. Tink still has all her sharp claws. She sank her teeth and claws into me which made me react with my first jerk reaction, to drop her. Shelly then proceeded to literally fall out of the tree. She took off into a window well that lead under the apartment building. Scott thankfully went down to find her. Apparently he shouted he was shooing her towards the well which we didn't hear until she belted out at us across the yard. She then shooted up a effing pine tree that was on the OTHER side of the fence. Scott jumped the fence, climbed the tree and then battled to get her to us. Upon which Shelly took her inside and we all followed suit with Scott getting hero kisses ;)

So yes our morning was spent chasing the damn cat around trees, the yard, and beyond.

All because we found the wood where Shelly's screen was attached had given way and Tink bumped the screen forward to get out.

Darn cats.

She's not sitting in windows again.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Relationship, Importance, Working At It

I don't know why again and again I have to be reminded about this: relationships are what matters most. Not getting homework done on time, not my boss nagging me to get this or that done, not always being "on top" of it all, but simply relationships.

We can't take all the time we wasted being responsible with us but we can always have relationships.

Last night Shel and Britt and I spent more time laughing and talking and bullshitting than we did getting our homework done. I personally got almost nothing done. Instead we laughed at Tinks and each other while pounding away at our computers, we gripped over bills and talked about kids and being an aunt. We looked at pictures. Shel and I cooked dinner together and then made fun of Britt for never having dinner wtih us. We waste time making masks for our Masquerade Ball coming up or filling new picture frames with precious photos (ok that's only me but hey I have an obsession!). We make a mess of the kitchen when we cook and leave it for hours while we sit at the table for hours.

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Relationships are what matter, what's important.

Tonight I will leave my homework to be left for tomorrow so I can go and continue to build upon and refresh some very important relationships, at the expense of leaving a ton of homework to crazily try and finish the night before its due. But hey that's how it goes I guess, especially when you are a senior and actually decide to have a life outside of just schoolwork.

To all my family and friends, I promise I'm working at trying to re-establish old relationships, friendships, etc. It will be a long process as I've had a lot of dear friends a long the way that I've just almost completely lost touch with but I promise I am learning to make time. I'm learning I don't have to always be the "most responsible" that I can breathe and relax and enjoy this crazy thing we call life and really learn to enjoy my relationships with others!!

I am a loser at it. I can't say I have a lot of practice with it. I'm awkward. But I'm trying.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

This hectic busy life

Wow, it's only been two weeks but so much has happened thus far.

I have a "new" car. I'll actually get it this weekend and I couldn't be more excited :)

It's amazing how God just sort of works things out.

I pulled crazy overtime hours training new employees and crosstraining old employees. I think in two weeks I put in roughly 30 hours of overtime. That's 110 hours in two weeks. I was drained at the end that's for sure.

I don't know where my summer went but apparently I missed it. Luckily the next one will come around in three seasons or so ;)

I made DM for Arbonne!! That's great. Now I need to kick it into high gear and get started building my business with gals or gents beneath me. To the top we go!

School started again. I'm a senior which is exciting, crazy, anxious, and scary all at once. I have to figure out about starting to apply for nursing school now. I have to graduate. AH! I need to pull as many A's as possible. Plus learn to relax and live a little :) I'm sort of learning to do that. Slowly but I'm learning, though you wouldn't know it right now.

I have quite a few good classes today. Right now in my Nutrition in the Life Cycle class we are talking about preconception and neonatal nutrition. Anyone who knows my life goals knows that I want to be a neonatal nurse practitioner in the NICU. It's fascinating! As well I also am fascinated with diseases and immunology. Therefore my Medical Nutrition Therapy class intrigues me. My Community Nutrition class puts me to sleep and honestly I already don't care for it. And my Exercise Testing Instrumentation class will allow me to be able to develop my own research program and go for it. That is kind of scary but also really amazing all at the same time. We'll see how it goes.

I went all sorts of crazy yesterday and bought three shirts at full retail price at Charlotte Russe!! Do you know how long it's been since I've done that?! I always shop clearance or consignment minus jeans and underwear. I spent $60 on three adorable new shirts. One step closer to having that kickass wardrobe ;) I'm becoming more adult and girly and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that but I need to learn to grow into it.

I have a job offer of sorts right now for photography. Well several really. Steve Hoffer of Steve Hoffer Photography was wanting me to help as an assistant to the photographers but I simply don't have extra time to spare right now. And Becky of All The Above Photography located in Brighton, Colorado offered me a job teaching me first how to edit photos and put together books and whatnot and even told me if I want to start shooting I can start accompanying to bookings and shooting as a "second photographer." I normally would have snapped that up in a heartbeat but honestly I'm too busy right now. But I'm going to keep in contact with her because I will probably be moving back home after this year while I'm in between schooling and I will need a job ;) She's great though.

She has these doors in which on the tiles in the middle of the panels are distressed portraits on thin tiles and it's absolutely adorable. I would love to get one.

Life is crazy, busy, hectic, but what's new. I'm already having stomach problems. I'm already exhausted but that could possibly be because I haven't had a break. I don't know how to slow down though. And I don't know how to ask for help and frankly I'm not comfortable depending upon others or letting others take any of the reins. I don't want to feel like I am a burden on them in any way shape or form.

Well anywho, I'm going to see if I can actually acces the Ramct website now. I have some homework to catch up on. I hope this finds everyone well.