Death sends a very weird feeling down my spine every time I encounter it. And I feel like it's been circling around the edges quite a bit lately.
A few weeks ago, a guy that graduated a few years ahead of me who I remember seeing in the hallways my freshman year but didn't know passed away. A bunch of people who I am friends with knew him but I didn't. But it still affects me when it affects those around me.
A few days ago another guy I actually knew and was friends with his brother passed away. Joe Grein. I go to church with his grandmother, was good friends with his brother while I was dating Mike, and I know his cousins Rachel and Andrew pretty well. Joe was a great person, I remember that. His whole family is. Loving caring people.
Today driving around doing errands I saw two firetrucks at Elmwood Cemetary with the big flag drapped down, a few firemen in dress uniforms preparing the trucks. A few streets down a few more engines full of firefighters with dress uniforms on were waiting and a few cop cars with the cops waiting for a procession. I'm lucky I didn't see the procession, it would have made me cry.
But death seems to be lurking, and I'm not the best at knowing how to deal with death. If it affects me personally, I can deal with it. But I don't know how to properly display emotions towards death and how it affects me to others. I'm not sure how to comfort others, especially if they don't have the same faith as me. And how cliche does it sound to say that God has a purpose for this and someone is now in Heaven, though that's what I most often believe. But it's not comforting.
Death always has the effect of sobering me and reminding me of what's important, that life is too short to be too responsible or care too much. It reminds me to allow me that my passionate crazy emotions are ok to feel. The only problem is that everyone around me seems to think that being responsible is of the utmost importance, appearances mean everything, and letting oneself live passionately is not how anyone should live.
I want to live freely again, but I feel constrained. I want to live back with people my own age who are going through the same things as me. I really want to be around people who are going through the same problems. I want a place that feels comfortable, at home, that I can make my own.
Maybe one day soon?!
All I know is death is lurking around the corner in life right now and I know how I want to live, I just don't know how to make that happen.