Nurse Pinning

Yesterday, the longest and hardest year of my life (and a decade's worth of chasing my dream) culminated in my nurse pinning ceremony.

The pinning ceremony is a special ceremony in which undergraduates are pinned with a pin specially designed for that nursing school. It's a welcoming into the nursing profession. A welcoming that included a whopping 10 seconds on stage receiving a pin the size of my thumbnail ;-)

My family was able to be there, which was amazing, as they have been my support system and my rock through it all. A hard, indescribable year that I couldn't have done without their support.

Some schools have you choose a mentor within the nursing community to pin you. Our school allows us the choice of anyone we would like to pin us. I chose my father, as he has turned into one of my best friends, my mentor, and inspiration. Growing up he has always been involved in my brothers activities, coaching, mentoring, etc. He has turned into my DIY partner and my partner-in-crime for trouble-making. It was my honor to ask and have my father pin me into the beginning of my nursing career. 

 

 My father and I before the pinning 

  

My nursing pin....which is actually silver but looks gold in this picture

 

 The best picture I have of my father pinning me

 My parents and I after the ceremony 

My family and I after the ceremony 

*For the record, everyone take note, I am wearing a skirt!!! And lace, and ruffles, and high heels, and flower earrings. This never happens!! And I look the most professional. A moment that will forever live in history ;-) 

Finale Nursing

I.Am.Done.With.Nursing.School!!!!!!

I actually finished last Friday but I've still been incredibly busy between starting to move stuff out and helping my parents decorate their house for Christmas and catching up with several different friends.

I don't think the reality about being done has fully set in yet. Or that NCLEX will decide my life at the end of January. Or that this year is really over. It's been a crazy whirlwind that is inexplicable to anyone outside of the program. There have been tears, laughs, exhaustion, rewarding moments, confusion, clarity, stress, relaxation, and so much advancement in knowledge and self that I have no idea where to begin.

But I sit here, in our living room, with Christmas music going as Anno cleans her bathroom, our living room dwindling down to the remains of the couch, tv, and my side-tables from the place of life it used to be, my bedroom nearly cleared out, and I have a sense of sadness that it is ending. Despite the hardships, I enjoyed living with my roommates, I enjoyed the unique experiences we got during this program, and I enjoyed working towards my career goal finally. Obviously the road and the journey are just beginning but what a BEGINNING this has been!!

I will miss seeing my classmates and roommates in class but I'm sure I will see several of their faces as colleagues. 

There's no looking back, only forward, and striving towards bigger things and actually tasting the sweet relief of enduring towards this goal for the past ten years of my life.

My mind is heading a million different directions, as it has been this whole past year, so I am going to go see what I can find for my hands to do for now to keep me busy :-)

 This is only 1/3 of our cohort, the 36 of us in the same tract.

New Facets

My last rotation of the year is Community Health, and it is unlike any other rotation. For one, no hospitals are involved. It's exactly what it says it is, serving the populations in the community! Second, a huge emphasis of community health is vulnerable populations. My clinical rotation is in Project H.O.P.E. which serves through the Colorado Coalition for the Homeless. I'm personally at The Samaritan House 2 days a week and then I do health screenings at Civic Center Apartments for their Housing First program.

It has been so amazing to and so privileging to get this opportunity. There are not very many people who are actually aware of the needs and what goes on in the homeless community. I feel that I have a more in-depth perspective working at Denver Health as that is a huge majority of the population that we provide services for. We are a safety net hospital providing care and resources for populations that otherwise wouldn't be able to access or utilize them. I also get the unique opportunity to see connections through Denver Health from the opposite end. It's really cool to see how we are connected to so many resources and how our facility is utilized. The liaisons between community case workers, coalitions, and the services at DH are just incredible.

On Wednesdays I am in the clinic. I have gotten to work one day, where the nurses that staff the clinic are basically volunteers who go through a program similar to Americorps for one year. They live in a community and give their time to the Coalition, serving its populations rotating through all of the clinics. On Thursdays, I spend my day in the kitchen, first serving lunch, then helping to prepare the evening meal, and serving the meal to its population.

Fridays are spent at Civic Center Apartments giving health screenings, which is really awesome, for those that it serves. The populations are comparable. One huge difference is a lot of those that we see at Civic Center Apartments are very much acutely ill in their mental illnesses and are actively fighting and/or under the influence of drugs/alcohol. In order to have a bed at Samaritan House, its residents enter into their 120 day program, where it is required that they remain clean and sober, advance through a series of levels in which they are actively pursuing employment (and usually must be employed after 30 days), and are required to participate in chores within the community of Samaritan House. Failure to meet any of these requirements can result in one being kicked out. They only serve meals to their own population, yet have an overflow area in which they allows 100 or so individuals off the streets to sleep in each night. That night is obviously quite longer than 100 people now that the weather is getting colder and those after the first 100 are turned away, to go find shelter elsewhere or hunker down on a street corner for the night. They also have a respite program that provides housing and care temporarily for those with medical needs. They usually only have 20 respite beds available. Both programs are run on a lottery system or happen by chance/luck for those that inquire at the right time. They house men, women, children, and families. They have separate men and women's dormitories, with the women's being much smaller than the men's. There is also a family dormitory where families can be housed together.

It is required that residents be out of the house most of the day, either working or searching for employment. There are exceptions for those working chores such as in the kitchen, etc or those who simply cannot be outside like those who are in respite care.

It's really quite amazing. And that is just a scratch of the surface of that facility. The Coalition also has several other homeless shelters and clinics available, owned and operated through the Archdioses of Denver. They also have many affordable senior living locations all over the metropolitan area. It's an amazing and extensive network that really offers a lot of services to the homeless community. And unfortunately, even with all that they do, they still only reach a small portion of the homeless community in Denver.

There are so many issues surrounding homeless, it's overwhelming to think of how to start repairing the system. It is a problem that encompasses financial hardships, mental health issues, the prison/jail systems, access to health care, community health, social work, government assistance programs, addiction, detox, etc. Really overwhelming when you start to think about it!

Anywho, that's where I'm at right now. Really exhausted, excited for this rotation, BUT even more excited to be done in three weeks :-) Just 3 more left to go. We can do it!!

End of Practicum and (almost the end of nursing school)

Just when I think life couldn't get any busier, nursing school yet again pushes the limits!

I finished senior practicum a little over a week-and-a-half ago, yet it feels like a month ago thanks to HOW MUCH stuff has been jampacked into my schedule since then.

Senior practicum ended wonderfully. The staff encouraged and comforted me by saying I should come work with them, that I did a great job. My preceptor had the ultimate compliments in terms of she was incredibly bored at the end, and even entrusted me to leave the room most of the nights the last two nights of practicum. Having her trust my judgment was awesome! Granted my babies were lower acuity, it still was a great compliment to be entrusted in their care. I got some encouragement also from our last nursing buddy who is a new NICU nurse, who still feels very new to caring for the babies (and yet I think she is a rockstar). She echoed a lot of my insecurities being a nursing student in terms of still being unsure of herself and very new to the unit, feeling as though she didn't manage her time the most efficiently or have all the answers. I enjoyed seeing her ask for help and ask questions for things she was unsure of. It means being a nurse I don't have to have ALL the answers, rather I need to rely on my nursing team.

Overall, a really great experience. I learned so much about neonates, I became much more familiar and comfortable in being around babies ;-) and I had a great time doing so. I did learn, however, that I while I loved it, I would not want to start in the NICU. Because it is so specialized, I could see myself losing many different skills and knowledge, and for me, it didn't have enough of the challenge that I want when I first start. There is a lot that I would love to do with my nursing career and I don't see starting in the NICU lining up with any of that.

Now that I am done with practicum, I am in my last rotation....Community Health!! Yay, almost done!! However, this is the craziest rotation by far. It's the most jam-packed with assignments and projects and sheer demands of time. I'm in class two days a week, clinical three days a week, service learning Saturday mornings, and working Sundays....hence that leaves absolutely no free time, and the free time I have in the evenings is gobbled up by studying, writing papers, and finishing little things.

Oh and applying for The Children's Hospital Colorado's New Grad Residency Program!!

Let's see how these weeks progress....the end is drawing near!! Yet also so far away in terms of the projects I need to get done...and am hence avoiding while writing this....

I see the light!!!

Today is the first day that I have been able to wake up and enjoy the sunlight in four weeks, and baby am I really loving it! Of course I have four night shifts this next week but this weekend I get to enjoy a little of that wonderful Vitamin D :-)

And in other ways I am seeing the light. I am seven weeks away from graduating. Eight weeks from nurse pinning. While they are a jam-packed seven weeks, I am finally close enough that the end is a small beakoning light on the distant shore leading me in. What a wonderful feeling that is!! Although I have no idea what life holds after that.

The thought of being an RN is a wee bit closer, a wee bit more realistic, and I can say though the last year has been painful, I'm starting to see the pay off!! 

Mid-Senior Practicum Reflection

This rotation has been a busy, chaotic, educational, lonely, and frazzled one.

I have never minded working nights. The pay differential is amazing, the evenings are usually more quiet and leave more room for really taking your time and getting to know your patients. However, that is when you are actually working, getting paid, and working your own desired schedule. When I did work nights, I did all three in a row so that I could have days off to myself....and I could be awake during days. Because I am doing three days of clinical and working at least one day a week, that means four nights a week I am doing something, and they aren't all in a row, which means I have to be diligent in keeping on my night schedule. So my "days" off are lonely nights spent watching tv, grocery shopping, and cleaning, much like tonight. However, it has proved a great learning opportunity to me.

The graduate NICU at PSL has allowed me a unique opportunity. Most of my classmates are also in ICU's or ED's, critical care units, on day shift. They are seeing tons of interesting cases/scenarios and taking care of some pretty intense patients. While I take care of a very focused population that experiences very similar situations, marked free of disease other than congenital anomalies, with disease processes that are understood and predictable. The unique aspect is that my preceptor is allowing me to take care of the babies on my own. She is allowing me the opportunity to assume being the nurse and making the experience really into the nursing role for myself. She allows me to critically think and provide my nursing reasoning skills in my care (and of course guides and corrects me when I'm not quite on target with her reasoning). What it is allowing me to do is learn time management, workflow, and clinical reasoning. I'm not seeing tons of interesting stuff, but I'm learning other aspects of nursing such as delegation, time management, critical thinking and reasoning, disease process, prophylactic interventions, physical assessments, etc. It's been an awesome rotation in that aspect. And I'm learning tons.

Contrary to adults, neonates bodies respond the exact opposite of how we learned adults respond to different disease processes or conditions. In that aspect, and in caring for neonates, it's all new territory.

The only problem will be studying for NCLEX, which is all geared towards adult med/surg after this rotation is done. I will have to go back and remember everything in the adult world. I guess it just means I will have to study even harder!! And go through tons of practice questions.

I've had a plethora of babies however. I'm currently up to taking care of 4 babies. I was able to take care of 3 babies all on my own last week. So much so that my preceptor was bored by 10pm and spent two nights playing games on her phone. This week (a week ahead of schedule), she thought me ready to bump up to 4 babies. We walked into a pretty high acuity 4 baby assignment, and while it was incredibly overwhelming, it was an absolutely great experience. We will be shooting to have 4 baby assignments for the rest of our time together over the next five shifts.

I've had respiratory babies, GI babies, cystic fibrosis, ostomies, OG/NG tubes, TPN/lipds, isolettes, open cribs, CF/HF oxygen delivery, and there is one baby who had a foley that I got to observe. All in all I would say I've been able to see quite a bit. I'm doing the initial assessment, cares, lab draws, etc. The only thing I haven't yet tried is starting a PIV, and that's because my only opportunity has been on a baby who is a notoriously hard stick and I'm just not going to do that to a poor little babe who has been nothing but a pin cushion since birth.

I need to get better at interacting with families, and confidence in myself, but I feel like that will come with time. It's a lot to take in and learn all at once. I feel like I'm getting there, slowly but surely. We will see how the next two weeks pan out!!

 This is me, while at work, looking out over the city through the 7A windows at work...while mostly you can see the desk and the reflection of what's behind me, you can also see the dots of the lights on the buildings. I thought it was pretty cool :-)

Senior Practicum Week One Reflection

I.Am.Exhausted.

I guess what's what happens when you work a shift at DH (staying up for 24h d/t class the next morning) and then turn right around and do 4 clinical shifts in 5 days. I'm also working nights right now so trying to get my body to readjust is sort of a pain in the butt. Sleeping during the day isn't too difficult but it isn't easy. My body really will only sleep for a few hours at a time. Therefore, I'm a tidge exhausted.

This has been quite the week!! I introduced myself into the NICU, and all it's unique needs, and newness of working with infants. And in four short shifts, worked my way up to caring for 2 lower acuity babes.

Like I said, P/SL was gracious enough to allow me into their graduate NICU, which is part of the Rocky Mountain Hospital for Children @ P/SL.

I like to call it the med/surg of NICU's. The babies are stable but are chronically sick. That means after the critical care aspect has been stabilized, they are sent up to the graduate NICU where they remain for quite awhile until they are able to go home. Down in Level III is more like the ED/SICU of the NICU. The graduate NICU is like the MICU/med-surg floors. The babies are adorable and acuity can be low to high. The babies need a lot of support either way. They range from "grower-feeders" to those that are on the cusp of possibly crumping without constant assessment and surveillance.

My time has been amazing. I worked my way up to caring for two of the babies on my own, with the support of my preceptor Tami, who is a wonderfully sweet woman, who has patience with all my questions and nervousness.

There is one baby I absolutely fell in love with. He had a very rough start to his entrance in this world. But over the four shifts I had with him, he captured my heart. He's a tiny little thing, though for his gestation he is normal. I guess I'm just not used to working with such tiny ones. He has this hair that just spikes all over the place. He has these incredibly dark eyes, and such personality. He is calm and mainly quiet, very patient as you work with him most of the time. He just stares up at you and roots around for his hands, or simply just lays and stares at you. If you face him towards the wall, he gives you this "Are you serious right now?" sort-of look. When you feed him, he doesn't have a blank stare. His dark eyes piercingly and quizzically look at you the whole time. While burping, he enjoys the time sitting up and relishes in being fully supported.

I'm not someone who has a desire to have kids anytime soon. But he could totally convince me to have children. Only if they were exactly like him. Despite all he's been through (the roughest start to life) he was the champ in the room, coming off of oxygen, feeding every other cares time, and maintaining really well.

These next two shifts we will move to a room that has a higher acuity, and I will continue to care for two babies. I might even take over caring for three babies on thursday ;-)

Until then, here's a little hello from the graduate NICU (night shift of course)!

1st Day of Senior Practicum

Last night was my first night in senior practicum. I'm in what's called the grad NICU at PSL. It's the NICU where the babies go once they are more stable but still unable to go home. There's potentially still a lot of risks involved with them but the critical care aspect isn't as high as I was hoping it would be.

The staff at PSL is incredibly welcoming! They all welcomed me in and treated me with wonderful courteous-ness from the beginning. My preceptor is incredibly smart and knowledgeable and is a mom herself, so brings a mom-like quality to the table yet still expects performance from me.

The night went rather smoothly. We had as assignment of three small babes. Each one of them was getting antibiotics which meant they all had peripheral IV's. We do "cares" every 3 hours, which include taking temps, changing diapers, flushing lines, quick assessments, and feedings. The night stayed pretty busy due to this but also due to having to replace each one of the little babes IV sites.

Babies have tiny tiny veins to begin with. Add in their smaller size and then trying to get a PIV started is almost ghastly. Really to the point that on the 2nd baby I got queasy and had to step away (also might have had something to do with getting incredibly hot from standing under the warming light). What really killed me was the number of pokes done to each child before help or use of evidence-based practice was used.

We are taught, and it has been shown to be remarkably more effective, that with babies with such small veins doing a thorough search using the little illuminators works very well for finding and getting a vein. Not to mention warming up the site to make the veins pop, etc. Very little of this was done and the babies were poked up to 6 times before someone from the level III NICU (the more critical babies) was called in to also attempt. 10 pokes on one baby to get an IV when probably half, or well below half, of that could have been attempted had a little more time put into the extra measures.

Or perhaps that's just my opinion.

And then there's the whole doubt in my mind over sucrose and whether it really eliminates pain, or just overwhelms the babies system. I'm not a huge believer in the sucrose for pain relief. Then again I haven't worked with neonates for many odd years like these nurses have. It did help to calm the babies down, but I'm not sure I would call it a pain reliever.

A few ethical concerns while there but then again that's to be expected, I knew that going in.

Overall a really great night and really exciting start to the next five weeks of my time there!! By the end Tami wants me taking care of a 4-baby assignment. Think I'm ready?! We will sure see.

NICU

My first shift for senior practicum is tonight! I will be doing my senior practicum in the Level II NICU at Presbyterian St. Luke's Hospital. So many emotions going through me: excitement, nervousness, fear, trepidation, enthrallment, giddiness, anxiousness....I have absolutely NO idea what to expect in regards to any aspect of the experience, all I hope is that I can learn tons, enjoy the rotation, and become more of a self-actualizing nurse and not just a nursing student who follows people around all day!!

It's getting closer to pinning ceremony. 10 weeks and counting. Wow craziness.

Looking Towards the Future

I think one of the things I lose sight of a lot in this midst of this program is what really matters. Wrapped in an atmosphere that includes always trying to 1up each other, always trying to be the best, you lose sight of what you came into this program for, what's important, etc.

I really need a break from this program and the chaos, the pressures and expectations, the massive quantities of random bullshit to do. There are good and bad aspects to each nursing program, this will always be true. There are some great things about Regis and there are also some things that I honestly can't stand, and can't wait to be done with.

But because of that, there are a bunch of things I am yearning for.

I yearn for a day where I can sleep in, wake up....without the burden of another assignment that needs to be finished or studying that needs to be done. Rather the only expectation are those that are laid upon myself, by myself.

I yearn for a day spent in the beautiful Colorado mountains away from the bustle of everything here. I have not had a chance and still have several weeks left before I will have an opportunity to not be tied to the immediate Denver metro area. I want to be able to get away from this place for even a day. Go take a day trip to Estes, and walk along the boardwalk until the sun sets with my grandmother. Go sit in a chair and listen to the river all day long if I so choose. Go see the changing of the fall leaves on the trees....inviting in the richness of the golds, reds, and autumn colors before the blanket of winter white envelopes their richness.

I yearn for a roadtrip. An escape from this place. A chance to get away.

I yearn for a place that is constant, where I fit in. I yearn for a work environment that stands for what I do and not what stands in principle for Regis. I want to be free of the expectations of a student and at the same time, get respect that most nursing students don't get. I yearn for a place where I get to be part of a permanent work family and develop relationships, where my personality can once again come out.

I yearn for a night off!! I yearn for a night spent having drinks with friends, joking around....because in this atmosphere I cannot and have not been able to do that.

I yearn from time away from my fellow nursing students. No offense, but I'm tired of only having these people in my life. It's time for some more variety to be added back in.

Variety is truly the spice of life.

I yearn for relaxation. Really. I think a massage, chiropractic adjustment, and day spent watching Grey's Anatomy with my mother would do my world SOO many wonders. Or a day spent shopping. Or how about froo-froo drinks on a warm beach :-)

I yearn to have time to set up consistent exercise again!! I need to lose this nursing school weight!! Get back in shape.

I yearn for a lot, and am ready to be done. 10 more long weeks and we WILL in fact be done with this program. And I can't flippin wait!!

The Human Experience

So this is what I do in my free time, my one reprieve: I watch netflix instant. It is how I unwind at the end of the day, it's what I use to break up the continual studying I've done over the course of this year. I like indulging in my tv shows and watching documentaries.

The other day I was pondering through my documentaries on my queue...and I decided to watch one I've had on my list for awhile. Titled "The Human Experience" it is a film about a few young altruistic men who set on on the ultimate experience: placing themselves in the shoes of others. They go through three profound experiences. The first experience is living homeless on the streets of New York for a week. The second is traveling with some surfers, who partake in an organization called Surf for the Cause, who travel around the world surfing the waters of several countries but also giving back to the communities with which they experience...in this case  with the lost children of Peru at the Villa la Paz Foundation started by Dr. Anthony Lazzara. The third experience finds them in Africa at a leprosy colony with a friend who is documenting the lives of the outcast lepers who are left to fend for themselves in an outside colony.

Each one of these experiences offers a unique looks into a world of humanity vastly different than the one with which most Americans are familiar. While no one's problems can ever be doubted, the documentary is powerful in that it shows the unique challenges, trials, and tribulations each one of these cultures of people experience...yet the happiness, faith, and love that exudes from each population.

There is something to be said about living beyond yourself, for others. It's one of those things that has always called to me. And since watching the documentary, it offered a brief glimpse outside of my nursing school world, back to why I am gaining this education and licensure. So I can travel the world and give to others. Not to sit in a comfy hospital for the rest of my life. I believe that each one of us can give to others within the means that we have. Whether that giving is monetary, time, or energy. We can give faith, happiness, support, encouragement, love and respect to others. We can give our time, listening ear, embrace, or time spent in silence...just to know we are not alone. Or we can give much more, if we have the means, whether it be materials or money, to benefit the lives of others. Even without excess, each one of us holds the power to connect with others of the human race, and to show the light of how alike we all are in our humanity. We all love, we all smile, we all belong to this world.

I still have 10 weeks of nursing school left. I am exhausted, overburdened, and overwhelmed. Most of the time I am not quite sure that I really can do this. That I am smart enough to pass my boards, to be a nurse, and be afforded the privilege to be let in the lives of others in their most vulnerable times and be entrusted with their lives. Yet I believe that is what fuels the fire for my nursing career. Not the money, prestige, etc. It's the opportunity to give back to my fellow humans, to provide for them, and to afford them opportunities they wouldn't have otherwise.

I believe that is one of the reasons the Lord has laid His hand upon my senior practicum to be in the NICU. To bring me back to what started this whole journey, to remind me of what I've been working towards, and what I desire in this nursing journey. What I believe in and what is important. Because I can tell you right now, many of the principles that this program encompasses do not hold true to my own principles and values for the future.

The emphasis on an esteemed reputation, and on being the best. That is not what I value. I value the ability to connect with my patients, to touch them and provide a human connection, whether it be at a turning point to continue on in life or to face death. I value respect and equality, not perfection. I value love and uniqueness, not uniformity. I think that's what I needed to be reminded of, and what a wonderful documentary to do that. If there is a will, there is a way. If there is a heart, then I will take great care of my patients. I won't be perfect, I won't know all the answers, but I will be there, and I will provide love and respect to my patients. I will look for opportunities to work outside of my comfort zone. And I will continue to learn more about other cultures and peoples and not stay in my cultured bubble. I want to travel the world, and see the people/cultures of the world. I want to experience humanity, and all the beauty it brings.

With a Sigh of Relief

I just finished my med/surg II comprehensive final (also known as care of the adult and older adult II), and I feel like I can finally let out a small sigh of relief. Of course in the world of the accelerated BSN, there is always one.more.thing. to turn in and/or do at all times. But I feel like I am slowly on the downhill slope.

We finished all of the crazy lectures, tests, etc. We have to finish clinicals and the benchmark ATI exams this week and do a comprehensive ATI (to see how well we might do on the NCLEX) but those aren't the huge things for this class.

Next are senior practicum and then we end with community nursing!! Senior practicum involves strictly clinical hours. 180 hours of working more in the role of a nurse. Following one preceptor's schedule. And that's it. No tests, no gimmicks, none of that. Strictly 3 12-hr shifts of working each week (plus my additional shift of working at DH of course).

I've kept a low profile. Between time constraints, my depressive mood, and being so exhausted I have stayed far far away from the public forum...both facebook and blogging.

Nursing school has literally eaten me whole, swallowed me alive. But I feel like I might be getting my life back.

My senior practicum will be the night shifts at Presbyterian St. Luke's in the NICU...and I'm SOO stoked. The place that started my passion for nursing, it's like it is coming back full circle!! I couldn't be more pumped :-) I feel night shifts will be great for me as they are "slower" paced, there are less people around and I can really focus on my nursing skills and perhaps even study what it is what situations I am in at that time. I can look up disease processes, care, diagnoses, etc. I feel it will be better for me to understand the nursing process of taking care of neonates in a critical care setting so much better!!

Other than that, I plan on getting back into more of my hobbies. I want to finish my painting, I want to work on my tshirt blanket, and I want to read a few books for fun. I want to get back to some normalcy. While socialization will probably still have to wait for a little while, I can start getting back to things that really interest and make up life, not just things that involve or revolve around nursing school. 

It will be SOO great :-)

Depression

As of late I have strayed away from really writing in my blog for awhile.
Part of it is a sheer lack of time. The other part of it is a feeling of sadness, and being so overwhelmed and confused, that sitting down to write just seemed an attempt at futility. How can I possibly sum up into words the massive amounts of emotions that have been rolling around inside my heart and soul for the past several months? And how can I possibly explain the crazy chaos that is my life to most of the world. Even to those of us in this nursing program, it's impossible to relate each individual's experience of the program to another as we all have different facets at which we come into this program, different support systems, priorities, attitudes, etc.

Admittedly, I've had a desire to sit here and let the keys take me away like they normally do, and I've started writing several times.

But then I read it, and I read how inaccurately I was capturing what I wanted to say. The wrong words for indescribable emotions and feelings. And the sheer lack of positivity that I could bring into those words. And I would hit the delete key and erase all the words that I had just written, feeling it better to remain in silence and in my own head than to make my thoughts public. I've sat down with my written journal, only to look at my pen with sheer exhaustion. Not possible and too overwhelming. So much time, so many events, and so many thoughts. What would I write about? What would accurately reflect this past few months in my life? What would others think? How could I incapsulate the negativity accurately, yet also show the incredible experiences I am going through and what I am slowly learning?!

 I think another aspect to staying away from pouring out any part of my soul was that this has been a rough time for me and I've been concentrating more on getting my head/heart back to a solid platform, one where I could actually start to put words to my thoughts, once I had translated them and figured out where they were coming from.

The only way to look at a higher point is to be at a low, the only way to come back up is to first look up, to take a look at where you're going. So how do you do that when all you can see in your way is tons of boulders? And how can you possibly start climbing up when the boulders are taller than you, you have no climbing gear, nor a fellow climber to help you out? Well that's where I was. Stuck at a low point, surrounded by boulders taller than me, "unmovable boulders", with no way to see where I was, where I needed to go, nor any way to get out.

One thing I have realized in the past few months is I have been depressed. I started slipping into a depression somewhere before my first break from school. If I really start looking at when it started creeping on, it was probably more sometime around the end of last year/beginning of this year, with some very mild signs. I've always been very good about being positive, and looking on the bright side of things, but when life becomes preoccupied with one thing, without any way of maintaining my outlets, that has a tendency to go away. I think the reason it didn't affect me earlier was I loved my job (which is what was eating up so much of my time) and had a great support system there, I was looking forward to nursing school (and preparing for it), and I wasn't completely consumed by something I didn't really enjoy with people I didn't particularly care for.

Then I started this program, and the newness combined with how demanding it is occupied most of my emotional capacity. I was so busy, that I didn't have time to really think about how I felt, or the emptiness that was starting to be felt inside of me. Being in this program, I'm with some very intelligent and competitive people. Being a natural introvert, who hates too much competition, and with a somewhat lower self-esteem, this program started eating away at me. I can't handle too much negative stimulation, too much unhealthy attitudes/personalities. And that's what a lot of this program is. I don't thrive trying to prove how good I am, I thrive off doing and being surrounded in something that betters others. Not focusing on myself.

I wish I could say I could thrive in this dog-eat-dog sort of environment but really I just can't handle it. If everyone was more positive, supportive, and genuinely supportive that would be a different matter but as it stands, I hate how competitive it is, how everyone has to be right or better than everyone else, and how there's just an over-arching lack of genuine support. I do rely on having some personal fulfillment from my surrounding environment. And that's what I am attracted to. If something is not healthy for me, normally I learn to let go and find an area that is more beneficial. This is an instance where sacrifice wins out over happiness...nix that, it's mandatory. So here I am surrounded in a world of competitive negativity, where we battle each other to see how we can compare with each other, but never really making a difference in the lives of others, or doing something that can be a continual deed of good.

Couple that with the sheer exhaustion of the rigors of the program, coupled with still working at least one day a week....and I'm a melted chocolate chip cookie most of the time.

I hit an incredibly low point last month. I'm still not at a great point, but I'm not at an absolute low like I was. I don't think that will change too much until it gets closer to the end of this program. But I believe I have found a point where I can find a temporary area of contentment.

Once I hit that huge low point, I started facing the facts. I am in a depression. And that has been hard to admit. But I can't let it keep going. I absolutely am not a huge fan of man-made medicine (go figure...) so I put myself on some natural anti-depressants. Are they miracle workers?! Absolutely not. But they take the edge off the despair and anxiety that lives inside of me on a pretty consistent basis anymore. I don't think the depression will go away until my life really becomes my own again. So I have to sit still and wait for that for a little while.

But things have been getting slowly better. I withdrew from some of the things that get to me and have been trying to take care of myself. That basically has meant I address the first and second tier of the hierarchy of needs and have isolated. I try to catch up on sleep, I'm trying to focus on eating healthier (as I have gained quite a bit of weight since I started this program and need to start focusing on my own health), and if I am in the right state of mind, I will meet one friend a week to catch up. That's about all I can handle currently. Isolation to take my own personal breather has provided the best outlet for me.

So while I may not be out of the hole, I found some rope snuggled in between my boulders and I am looking up, with my foot on the first foothold, and I'm trying to climb up towards the light. Here's to looking up....and to taking control of my depression, and finding some resources to battle it.

Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Love

keep your head up. keep your love.
|The Lumineers|

Yesterday was a pretty great day at work. Though this might seem odd to some people, work is my reprieve in a lot of ways. It's a safe place for me. A place where people know me for my smile, my optimism, my humor, my excitement, and my wackiness. It's a place where I can joke and be passionate, all at the same time. While it's in a different manner than when I was working with my kiddos, it's still a place where I can be parts of myself that I haven't been able to be anywhere else for quite some time.

One of the most treasured aspects of my job is getting the chance to relate to my patients and to be their caregiver and advocate during some of their most vulnerable times. Even when I was working with prisoners, when one is sick one is in a very vulnerable position that brings out the best and worst in people. It's a time when we are seen stripped to the bone, quite literally (and figuratively), and the true meat of humanity can come out.

I enjoy taking care of others, so immensely. It's just built into how I am wired. And none more so than the most vulnerable. Those with special needs. A protective and caring nature comes over me.

Most especially, those with cerebral palsy. A huge contributor to that was my little Ethan. But more so, I came to really understand those with cerebral palsy and came to understand the brilliant, normal people behind the spasticity.

Yesterday at work, we had a patient there who had cerebral palsy. He's been there for a couple of weeks now apparently, but since I haven't worked the floor I haven't even known he was there. When I walked in to help my fellow HCT, I found out very quickly he had CP and automatically all my natural instincts kicked in. I found myself automatically protective and advocating for the best of care for him, helping Diane to get him cleaned up and into the chair, then encouraging him to come out in the hall and spend some time with us nurses (it was a slower day so it was possible to spend some time talking with him)! However, I soon came to understand just how much my heart gets wrapped up in my patients rather quickly. Case in point: when asking the charge nurse whether he could sit by the nurses station with us (which is encouraged in our nursing program), our charge replied with a short and curtly answer, of which I automatically walked off because I know the propensity of my mouth to not have a filter when opened.

I realized that I had to ask Diane to check me if I got out of line, as I realized that my heart was already too much involved with this one patient.

However, it got me to thinking: this is what is going to make me a great nurse. The ability to relate to, connect with, and then become an advocate for my patients. That's what nurses are right?! Not just caregivers but advocates for the best of care.

I realized my heart is already poured into my job, but I realized that's not a bad thing, it just means I'm going to have to find avenues and ways of making sure I maintain professionalism and my sanity when the going gets tough.

So keep your head up, gal!

Un-indated with Regis

The past month-and-a-half have been a flurry of impetuous activity. It's hard for me to get my brain to focus on any one task anymore as it is so used to speeding towards the next task, activity, test, assignment, work day, etc. To say that I have been busy is an understatement.

I think the word I would give it is in-undated, or if we're going for more blunt terms, swamped. 

Each time I think I might get a little breather, or catch a glimpse of "fresh air", I am amazed by the more consuming amount of nursing-school related stuff that is thrown my way. Maybe it's just me but I feel so engulfed....like there isn't enough time in the day to do it all....and by it all, I'm not referring to any other part of life other than nursing school related activities.

The sheer amount of time I spend in class and at clinical is ridiculous. Then add in studying, and the crazy amounts of extranuous activities.

Wow!! Is all I can say. I didn't think it's possible to have this much thrown into one program. It's crazy!

I'm finding more and more that I miss being a part of society and life. I look longingly out at the trees while I'm at class or at clinical, wishing I could just be outside with the world! And then I get to thinking about all the things I want to do and see....and how those things are continually put on hold until next year.

Oh how I can't wait!

I can't wait to go hiking, biking, traversing. Road-tripping, beer-drinking, sports watching. I can't wait to have a weekend off!! I can't wait to have an evening where the millions of things due aren't sitting in the back of my head. I can't wait to go on a trip, to sit in the middle of nature again. I can't wait to sit on the front porch with my family and not be exhausted.

All those things that I miss so much, and can't wait until I have a moment to do them again. Each time I think I might be able to add a little spice of those back in my life, my clinical schedule ends up eating up all my free time or another group project is thrown our way. When does it end?!

Post 1st 15 weeks of Nursing School

I sit here writing a week into my two-week break from school. The week has gone by rather too fast but it's also been a very odd week...full of a lot of plans but to be honest I was so used to only having school-related stuff that I had no idea what to do for the first day I was on break.

The first 15 weeks were long, hard, full, and busy. So jam-packed with stuff that I look back amazed at how far we came in that 15 weeks.

My first rotation was Med/Surg...and while I loved the content, I ended up hating the class and had a hard time with my clinicals. My professor ended up having a target on me from the start of my class, and she wasn't the best professor I've ever had. As a matter of fact, I rather have a personal opinion that teaching may not be the realm for her. Someone who likes to tout their credentials, has no idea what they are talking about in some classes, and who passively-aggressively targets students (all still while touting her "Christian" faith) isn't suited for a classroom, let alone one that should be safe and supportive for future professionals in the field!! Regardless, I came out of the class with a B, which is pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

I did find at the end of the 15 weeks that I really just needed a break. As someone who loves peace, calm, serenity, and positivity, I started finding myself becoming rather frustrated and aghast at the amount of stress and frazzled-ness that people in this program exert. I have a hard time being too worked up and stressed out all the time, and being so consumed in that culture was becoming overbearing. I have a hard time taking most things in life too seriously, as an end-all to everything, that I just was burnt out. I needed to get away from that scene, away from the people that became the only people who ever saw me.

On top of that, my confidence was shot at the end. Between my professor finding ways to passively-aggressively belittle me and feeling like a failure at clinicals half the time, I found much excitement in getting away from that all!!

And I have thoroughly enjoyed the past week!! I changed up my hair (I couldn't handle feeling like a stepford wife anymore in the sea that is nursing school students), I hiked, and I've worked on some projects! This next week is full of taking pictures, more projects, and socializing :-)

I refurbished the cradle for my brother's baby on the way, finished some pillows...next on the docket: a baby blanket, the high chair, and building a vanity!!

I'm using these two weeks to getting back to who I am, what makes me happy, and what is important in my life. Because I'm here to tell you, being a nurse is not my defining factor! No, what makes my life important and beautiful is the people in it, how hard I work, and appreciating the simple things. There's so much beauty that I can't possibly let nursing school be the end-all and only. 

Because I'm having a hard time sitting still, this is all for this post...onward to getting more things achieved for now!

A Day Spent in the OR

Grey's Anatomy. ER. Even House.

All shows that enact surgery. All shows that more often than not get some of the most critical life-saving procedures WAY wrong!! (Don't even get me started on how they do CPR on any show or movie...) And while they do have some semblance of accuracy, I'm here to tell you that most everything in the healthcare profession doesn't happen like it does on the shows.

Ok, ok, ok...some things are accurate. Like subsisting on coffee, the opportunity for romance (though more often than not, there's not a lot of romance going on), and the bonus' of wearing scrubs can hold true. They do show some pretty schnazzy healthcare technology. But real life does not happen like it does in the movies or on shows.

However, I did get the opportunity to spend the day in the OR on Wednesday. And it was FANTASTIC!! I actually don't have very much interest in surgery in terms of I've always liked interacting with others. I love watching surgeries on www.orlive.com but didn't think I'd actually like the surgical atmosphere. However, I can say, I thoroughly enjoyed my day in the surgical units!!

I started off my morning at 6:45am, true to normal form. I had to change into surgical scrubs. Think the oh-so-fantastically flattering blue scrubs on Grey's Anatomy. Only our scrubs are not made to fit to our bodies. They are a one-cut fits all and either your ass fits in them or not! So here I was in the OR, wearing blue surgical scrubs, blue booties and the wonderful blue hair mesh cap thing. As you can imagine, I was the epitome of surgical beauty ;-) HA! Just kidding.

Anywho, I got to spend the day in OR 6 with the same surgical team through all three of their cases. Same surgeon, same assistant, same circulating nurse, and same scrub tech. The nurse was AWESOME, the assistant was AWESOME, the scrub tech was FUNNY, and the surgeon was AMAZING!

Unlike most surgeons (for any of those of you who have spent any amount of time in a hospital and talked to surgeons, they are just a whole different breed), the surgeon I was with was very laid-back, personable, and friendly. She had a great sense of humor and was so human. You don't get that very often in surgeons!

The first case was a gastrectomy. The pt had a mass in his stomach, which was actually benign, but causing stomach problems. It's better to remove a mass if possible than allow it to sit and possibly metastasize (if it turns malignant) and cause an upset in homeostasis and comfort. So the surgeon went in and removed part of his stomach. Then she let me play with the mass. She showed me where the spleen sat in the stomach, I glimpsed the liver and the pancreas and saw the pinkish texture of the stomach. Once I opened up the part of the stomach that was removed I got to see the mucosal lining of the stomach...SO awesome!!

The entire surgery was probably about 1.5 hours. Turn over the room.

The second surgery was an explorative laparotomy. Basically the pt had presented to the ER with a bunch of pain in the abdominal area. Upon dx testing, xrays showed his intestines were partially twisted. Once opened up, the surgeon found a section of the intestines that was red and swollen (no bueno...pink = good, red & swollen = unhealthy tissue, close to bursting which would lead to peritonitus which would lead to sepsis = NO BUENO). She removed that part of the intestines and again I got to squish them!! So cool.

That surgery took about 45 minutes. Turn over the room.

The last surgery was a laparascopic cholectomy (aka removal of the gallbladder without opening up the pt). SO cool!! The surgeon walked me through the whole procedure. I got to see the liver, pancreas, stomach and of course gall bladder. I watched as she pointed out the common duct (which supplies bile to/from the gallbladder/liver/etc). I watched as she separated the gallbladder from it's home on the liver and extracted it via a tiny tube.

That surgery took about 45 minutes. Done by 1330!

The anesthesiologist was SO awesome and laid-back. He walked me through everything he was doing and even allowed me to help intubate the first patient. SOO amazing!!

What a great experience :-) Who woulda thunk a day in the OR would be so awesome!!

Now just need to go watch a brain and/or heart surgery and I'll be such a happy lady :-)

Are we there yet?!

Rarely an extra minute anymore to simply stop and think anymore. Accelerated is an understatement right now of the nursing program.

I can't help but count down the days until our first break. Two weeks! Two weeks and I can sleep in and not worry about anything being due currently. Wowsers. Talk about a crazy 13 weeks it's been.

My latest adventures have been in the world of Med/Surg clinicals. Actually not so much adventures. More just crazy chaotic stress. But I will update about that in a couple weeks. For now, just a couple pictures that speak louder than words about what's going on in my world.

 My favorite part of work is watching the helis...

 Only those in my program understand this...just because I started in Med/Surg does not mean I'm any smarter!! Just the luck of the draw for my tract...

 This is becoming more and more how I feel as we get closer to our break....

 Wine is SERIOUSLY becoming my best friend and stress reliever....mmmm.....

 Just so exhaustipated...

 It's officially spring...if I've jacked up my foot it means spring has officially sprung...also think I broke my pinky toe, it no longer moves properly

 the glove of MRSA!!

 poster boards are the new notecards

just a friendly reminder on the door every morning as we head out to clinicals...Kenny Powers!!

Update to come in a few weeks!! Catch ya on the flip side!

A Reflection on Shalom

It's almost midnight and I can't get my mind to shut off.

Today is St. Patrick's Day which I'm sure in most other people's minds is a cause for celebration. Being Irish myself, it's of course just another excuse for every single person to drink and say stereotypical things thinking they are Irish.

However, today is a cause for celebration because it's the first day since nursing school started that I've really had a full day to relax! Granted I still didn't do that, but it was a day to do so.

I was able to sleep in a little bit, had to run an errand to help my brother, and once back home I started organizing a few things and then got to work on some DIY-ing :-) Couldn't help it.

I watched a couple documentaries, broke the washing machine, you know, just the usual things ;-)

I have to work tomorrow and I went to bed awhile ago but unlike usual I find myself tossing and turning more than usual. I can't get my brain to shut off so naturally it goes any and everywhere.

It landed quite heavily upon reflecting at my time at Shalom Home. For our Foundations of Nursing class we had to do a 16-hour clinical that was basically meant to help those who have never before been in a clinical setting or ever taken care of someone the opportunity to get used to touching and talking to other people.

I don't think that going to a long-term care facility where dementia is prevalent is quite the way to do that but we all found ourselves in various long-term care facilities. I willingly chose Shalom Home as it has an underlay of Judaism, and that peaked my curiosity.

But it comes down to the geriatric population is the geriatric population. It's a special population within itself that has a lot of trials and tribulations. Taking care of kids is no easy task but I can say taking care of kids, in my opinion, is easier. The geriatric and pediatric population are similar in some ways. They are both highly dependent on the caregivers, need varying degrees of assistance, need a lot of direction. However, there is still a difference. Kids are naturally smaller and cuter. Kids have a positive energy and hope for a future. Not so much with the geriatric population.

A large majority of the time, those in long-term care are depressed, have dementia, are stubborn or mean, are altered, and are hard to work with. They aren't cute and cuddly like children. And it takes a special sort of patience to interact with patients who repeat the same sentence over-and-over-and-over.

With that being said, there is still a certain amount of humanity that comes in taking care of people. And I sit here reflecting on my time at Shalom, which is preceded by a large foundation of taking care of the geriatric population...from taking care of my dying grandmother, to working home health care, to working in an assisted living facility, including the Alzheimer's unit. There is a certain amount of respect, dignity, humanity, and compassion due each individual, no matter their health state. There is a certain way you treat and care for others.

What I find myself dwelling over are the many instances of things I didn't agree with. Call lights not being answered when the residents need assistance, telling the residents what/when they should be doing things (when that is in fact their home), sometimes imprisoning them in their chairs or beds, attitudes and words used. I reflect on the abuse and neglect that I experienced at the assisted care facility. And I find myself dwelling on how caregivers interact with patients.

I don't know anyone who willingly chooses to have their body and mind deteriorate to the point that they rely on others, sometimes without any form of communication to those who are caring for them. I don't know anyone who willingly wants to suffer in that manner. But I do know that as a caregiver/provider, it is within my power to maintain the sacredness of being human, and of relieving suffering, in many different manners.

To me, it is unacceptable that caregivers forget that these residents were once vibrant young people, like you and I, who independently made their own choices, dressed to the nines, raised families, had careers, hobbies, interests (outside of going to the dining hall). Therefore, when someone is completely reliant upon me, it is my duty to maintain dignity, respect, privacy, and maintain that connection to others.

I don't agree with nursing homes. My parents will never be put in one if it is at all within my power and doing. I can't imagine my parents being treated, neglected, or thought of in the way that a lot of these caregivers treat the residents. In fact, it breaks my heart to think about it.

But it also makes me think, what is in store for my future? My parents have me, a very passionate and compassionate person who is more acutely aware of the healthcare system and long-term care facilities. I don't believe they are at all the answer, in any way shape or form. I will be an advocate until the end for my parents. But what is in store for my future? As someone who has yet to have a desire for children, will there be anyone there in my future to provide for me if I start to lose my physical or mental faculties? Or will they put me in one of these facilities that I so loathingly hate? Or will I have anyone at all, if I never have children?

I hate being in them to take care of others, because of how flawed and awful the system is. I can already tell you one of my worst nightmares would be to wind up in one of them as a resident. Especially with how social and independent I am. And how particular I am about the way healthcare providers take care of others. What is in store for my future? And how can I make an impact in the current system? So many things going through my brain....

Snapshot

It's hard for me to capture life as a nursing student. It's inexplicable chaos being in the accelerated program. I spend my days trying to figure out what's going on half the time. It's no big deal to have three exams in one week. I spend a significant amount of time going over pwpt's and searching through reems of paper (powerpoints, activities, etc).

But with this week having been so delightful to us, I do have some snapshots of a few moments of relaxation spent out on the grass in the commons area at Regis U. I've been thoroughly enjoying getting to wear flip-flops and the warmth of the sunshine on my face!! Here's a few snapshots I've been able to quickly snap with my camera phone!

 Just a snapshot of me actually wearing makeup and my hair done up 

(before my brother's wedding)

 a day spent studying with J meant some EtOH was involved :-) 

mmm Gimlets!

 oh how i love that flip-flop weather!!

 isn't it bliss to just sit underneath a tree, relax, and look up at this brilliant blue sky?

sure is a nice way to breathe in between exams!

apparently those minnesota-ins aren't used to this weather nor being so close to the sun!

J protecting himself and appearing like he has kyphosis

after a day spent taking 3 exams...WOOT done with that!