Saturday, October 10, 2009


Last night I went to Kelly's 21st. We celebrated at a condo in Idaho Springs. It was actually really fun. I learned I really like jello shots.

But the night didn't end well for me.

I was triggered. An event eight years ago in my past came flashing back before me. I was in a very similar situation and found myself starting an anxiety attack. It's been a very long time since I've been triggered. I almost don't know how to handle this.

My heart hasn't slowed down to anything less than 80 bpm since around midnight when it happened. I feel like I have a concrete wall again on my chest and my muscles won't relax and won't stop shaking. My body can't control it's temp, and I keep fluctuating between hot and cold. This is normal when I get any sort of anxiety attack for normal stress. But unlike stress anxiety attacks, this brought back a flooding of thoughts and memories I've worked very hard and very long to secure up and now they just won't stop flooding my brain. All my insecurities are being jiggled around again. How do I fight this again?!?! I've gotten used to pushing it to the back of my head every single day. Now what do I do when it's at the forefront.

I feel dirty and used again. I feel ashamed and vulnerable. I feel mad and anxious and low. I feel very much alone again like I did eight years ago. And it hurts so bad. My emotions are going all over the place.

On top of that, Eric got angry that I was there and didn't give me a chance to explain anything. I didn't need his permission to go but I woke up to him being angry and I told him about the incident before I was ready and he doesn't understand what sort of a big deal this trigger was and then on top of that him being mad has made me so completely upset. He doesn't know nor understand my past and the long road I've been on because of it.

I don't like being guys holding on to me if I don't want them to. That's a huge trigger. But to be held against my will is a guaranteed triger. Mike continually pulling me onto his lap in the hot tub though I was very obviously trying to get away from him and him holding me there with both arms around me was my trigger. Flashbacks and anxiety set in. I couldn't make a scene with Kelly sitting next to me, that's her brother, and it was her party. So I froze, like I did eight years ago. Then when he wouldn't let me out of the hot tub and proceeded to kiss me when I didn't want to, I felt so used once again. I can't describe that feeling at all. I couldn't fight him, I couldn't freak out without letting everyone know about my past and I froze, so I let happen what happened.

And then for him to keep his arm around me and make me kiss him several more times.....I couldn't get away. Anytime I moved he'd put an arm around me very forcefully and when I would try to wiggle away he'd find a different way to hold onto me.

I finally was able to go lock myself in a room.

I don't want to deal with this right now. I can't.

And Eric is mad. He doesn't understand the situation and he doesn't understand how I feel. I want to talk to him. He won't talk to me. He's mad I went, he's mad about the kiss though he doesn't understand and has no right when he refuses to date me nor call me his gf and continues to play with my heart.

He has no right to be mad I was there but then to tell him about Mike before I was ready to today and him not really understanding, just has made the anxiety worse. I can't get myself to calm down.

I have tons of other guys asking for my number, dates, etc. The one person I want to love with my whole heart, who I want to love me back, to call me his gf, and let me close, doesn't seem to care. The only one I want to talk to is him. And I feel like I can't, and that he won't. I want him to care, to show me he cares. I want to be given a real chance. I want him to understand. I want to make up for a situation which isn't even my fault.

I don't know how to handle this trigger or anxiety attack.....

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