Saturday, June 30, 2012

Avett Brothers on the Rocks

As of late, most of my time is occupied by nursing school related activities or work. In those rare moments that I have "nothing to do" (aka nothing pressingly due right at THAT moment) I find myself catching up on sleep and recharging my batteries.

Along with that, I've been trying to come back to my center, to regain site of parts of myself that are lost when everything is so overwhelmed with this program. I've been trying to focus on being grateful, thankful, and enjoying the present.

While I can't say I thoroughly enjoy most of my life right now, I'm trying to love the moment that I'm in, and cherish it for what it is.

It's a huge work-in-progress. Looking within myself and meditating on many things is quite a huge task at hand, but it's one I'm working on, baby step by baby step.

With that said, I bought tickets to go see The Avett Brothers last night at Red Rocks. I've never watched them perform but was tantalized with comments from Memphis (one of the roomies) that their persona on stage is insurmountable. Thoroughly excited to head to the beauty of Red Rocks and spend the evening sipping wonderful craft beer with a great friend and enjoying beautiful, wonderful music under the brilliance of the sky.

Up first was a band called City and Colour. Wow! Great music! Halfway through one of their songs the crowd started to clap and go wild...looking over to our left, there was a man who waited for one of their particular songs (a love long, of course!) to drop down to one knee and propose. The warmth and love that flowed from the crowd was just amazing, and watching that happen, brought tears of happiness to my eyes. I LOVE love :-) The band finished playing the song instrumentally while the proposal was going on and then congratulated the two, dedicating the next song to them. Of course she said yes ;-) What a beautiful reminder of the goodness of life!

After City and Colour, the stagehands starting setting up....and one of the most wonderful things happened. It started raining. For 10 minutes, I sat in my seat, and got soaking wet. A feeling of angst and dread came over me. I hate being wet, my makeup was running off, and my hair was destroyed. Being at a point in life where I'm not happy with myself physically, I felt anxiety as the rain washed away my outer layer to expose the insecurity that lay beneath. But after about a minute of rain, I remember a conversation I just had a few days ago with a friend (of whom I actually don't remember who it was!). The friend said something about learning to let go, let God, and instead of running from the rainstorms in life, to enjoy that moment and let it flow and cleanse us. So I sat, and let the rain take away my outer layer of confidence and cleanse my soul. And it was painful. So very painful. I won't lie. And while I didn't quite dance in the rain...I tried to enjoy the moment, that rawness, the beauty, the purpose, and even the "pain".

What a beautiful way to strip me down before the show!

And not much later, The Avett Brothers came on.

Passion. That's how I would describe their performance. Imperfectly beautiful. Emotional. Raw.

The atmosphere, the songs, the lyrics, the energy, the passion, the love...I needed it all. And I soaked it in. I enjoyed watching the band let emotions take over and direct the show, enhance the energy, and shower the audience with love and gratitude.

So beautiful. So what my soul needed.

To let music, and passion, take over again, last night, was exactly what I needed.

I was reminded of my belief in true love and the hope for romance, reminded of how much passion should direct what is my life, reminded me of the beauty of imperfections, and started to heal over some of the heartache and longings on my soul.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Keep Your Head Up, Keep Your Love

keep your head up. keep your love.
|The Lumineers|

Yesterday was a pretty great day at work. Though this might seem odd to some people, work is my reprieve in a lot of ways. It's a safe place for me. A place where people know me for my smile, my optimism, my humor, my excitement, and my wackiness. It's a place where I can joke and be passionate, all at the same time. While it's in a different manner than when I was working with my kiddos, it's still a place where I can be parts of myself that I haven't been able to be anywhere else for quite some time.

One of the most treasured aspects of my job is getting the chance to relate to my patients and to be their caregiver and advocate during some of their most vulnerable times. Even when I was working with prisoners, when one is sick one is in a very vulnerable position that brings out the best and worst in people. It's a time when we are seen stripped to the bone, quite literally (and figuratively), and the true meat of humanity can come out.

I enjoy taking care of others, so immensely. It's just built into how I am wired. And none more so than the most vulnerable. Those with special needs. A protective and caring nature comes over me.

Most especially, those with cerebral palsy. A huge contributor to that was my little Ethan. But more so, I came to really understand those with cerebral palsy and came to understand the brilliant, normal people behind the spasticity.

Yesterday at work, we had a patient there who had cerebral palsy. He's been there for a couple of weeks now apparently, but since I haven't worked the floor I haven't even known he was there. When I walked in to help my fellow HCT, I found out very quickly he had CP and automatically all my natural instincts kicked in. I found myself automatically protective and advocating for the best of care for him, helping Diane to get him cleaned up and into the chair, then encouraging him to come out in the hall and spend some time with us nurses (it was a slower day so it was possible to spend some time talking with him)! However, I soon came to understand just how much my heart gets wrapped up in my patients rather quickly. Case in point: when asking the charge nurse whether he could sit by the nurses station with us (which is encouraged in our nursing program), our charge replied with a short and curtly answer, of which I automatically walked off because I know the propensity of my mouth to not have a filter when opened.

I realized that I had to ask Diane to check me if I got out of line, as I realized that my heart was already too much involved with this one patient.

However, it got me to thinking: this is what is going to make me a great nurse. The ability to relate to, connect with, and then become an advocate for my patients. That's what nurses are right?! Not just caregivers but advocates for the best of care.

I realized my heart is already poured into my job, but I realized that's not a bad thing, it just means I'm going to have to find avenues and ways of making sure I maintain professionalism and my sanity when the going gets tough.

So keep your head up, gal!

Un-indated with Regis

The past month-and-a-half have been a flurry of impetuous activity. It's hard for me to get my brain to focus on any one task anymore as it is so used to speeding towards the next task, activity, test, assignment, work day, etc. To say that I have been busy is an understatement.

I think the word I would give it is in-undated, or if we're going for more blunt terms, swamped. 

Each time I think I might get a little breather, or catch a glimpse of "fresh air", I am amazed by the more consuming amount of nursing-school related stuff that is thrown my way. Maybe it's just me but I feel so there isn't enough time in the day to do it all....and by it all, I'm not referring to any other part of life other than nursing school related activities.

The sheer amount of time I spend in class and at clinical is ridiculous. Then add in studying, and the crazy amounts of extranuous activities.

Wow!! Is all I can say. I didn't think it's possible to have this much thrown into one program. It's crazy!

I'm finding more and more that I miss being a part of society and life. I look longingly out at the trees while I'm at class or at clinical, wishing I could just be outside with the world! And then I get to thinking about all the things I want to do and see....and how those things are continually put on hold until next year.

Oh how I can't wait!

I can't wait to go hiking, biking, traversing. Road-tripping, beer-drinking, sports watching. I can't wait to have a weekend off!! I can't wait to have an evening where the millions of things due aren't sitting in the back of my head. I can't wait to go on a trip, to sit in the middle of nature again. I can't wait to sit on the front porch with my family and not be exhausted.

All those things that I miss so much, and can't wait until I have a moment to do them again. Each time I think I might be able to add a little spice of those back in my life, my clinical schedule ends up eating up all my free time or another group project is thrown our way. When does it end?!

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Axel Everett Carr

I welcomed my first nephew into this world! Axel Everett Carr was born at 9:53am on June 1, 2012. Unfortunately I wasn't able to be there for the birth (like originally requested from my sister-in-law) but I was able to head up to Fort Collins to meet him later that evening. I brought my camera along and snapped a few pics :-)

What a cutie patootie! Loving my little Thor already ;-)