Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everybody :)

Ok in all actuality I don't really ever celebrate Halloween. I haven't dressed up since fifth grade....sad thing is I can't even remember what I was!! But it might be fun.

Scott and I are having dinner tonight to continue talking some things over. We are saying a lot of the things that should have been said before, reestablishing our friendship.

I went to the dance concert last night and it was pretty kickass!! It's a showcase in which the students choreograph the numbers and then they dance them out. Some were weird; the first few were more "modern art" dancing in which it was weird rolling and rhythmic movements on the floor. However a few songs in we found more upbeat with some traditional ballet and leaps mixed in. And one dance had the song "Pressure" by Paramore performed by an orchestra and it was pretty freaking rad :)

It was really cool to see the talent of people my age because I honestly would never be able to do something like that.

Brian and Kelly and I all laid on the grass yesterday afternoon after class....and just hung out for 45 minutes. It was really relaxing. The grass is still brilliant green, the trees are turning yellow and the sky was a beautiful clear brilliant blue. It was SO relaxing to be able to spend some time outside taking in the beautiful weather, the beautiful earth, and laying down enjoying the calming sounds.

Ok well I actually have a lot of work to do. This work has been nuts and it only keeps getting busier.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Amendment 48

I've already voted and whatnot but I just felt like writing about this right now. Actually I even got into a friendly debate about it today....felt kinda nice, hahaha.

Amendment 48 in Colorado is an amendment that will define a person as a person at conception (aka when sperm and egg meet and fuse and start multiplying). I wholeheartedly agree with this. Most people by now know that I'm a Christian and I am anti-abortion. Along with this I also believe that a person starts at conception while a great deal of people believe a person starts when it's a "fetus" which if I recall is a few months along into the pregnancy. Even then a lot of women have abortions late into their pregnancies. It's hard to imagine doing this, it's wrong, that is a person!!!

I voted yes.

A lot of people think this is an anti-abortion law, which in essence could be classified as that. Abortion of a person would be considered murder, and if the definition of a person is at conception, then abortion is murder. Yes I can deduce that.

However, a lot of pro-choice groups are telling people that this will make birth control illegal and doctors will be put on trial for murder and what about the mother's health. The amendment itself has a clause that abortions would be legal in the case that there are threats to the mothers health. However I don't believe it's the mother's choice.

I believe it's God's choice. Psalm 139 tells us that he wonderfully made us and he knew us before we were even created. We are God's choice, not the mother's choice.

Now a lot of people bring up the argument, what about rape, incest, etc. For those who don't know my history I'm more than willing to talk to you about it in person/phone/email. Because of my past, I am very bull-headed towards this argument. I don't care. That is still a person, a person wonderfully and beautifully created by God. I do not agree that even in those instances abortion should be an option.

Many of you may agree with me but I couldn't possibly kill a human being forming inside of me. Women need to face their consequences, that child is their consequence of a choice they knowingly made; the child doesn't deserve to be killed.

Ask any child that's been adopted. They wouldn't be here if their mother just opted to have an abortion. There is someone very special in my life in this situation. I couldn't imagine him not being alive because his birth mother decided that the easiest way out was having an abortion. And here he is 22 years later, a grown man. That would not be the case had she decided differently.

So yes, here I am pro-life, Christian Republican and all :) And I support Amendment 48.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Obama....yo mama

Barack Obama came to campus yesterday. Of course I knew about this, I work at the info desk....just didn't want to partake in it. He's anti-American. He changes his ideals like he changes underwear. Look into his history. And he's a Democrat.

I am seeing all the pictures and newspaper articles about him being here. To think I was only a half a mile from all the chaos. HA! But it was mass craziness.

It's kind of nuts.

I'm Republican. Voted McCain. Already voted. I did my civic duty :)

Obama Yo Mama

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Jigga what?!

Dude, I hate anxiety attacks. I started getting them a week and a half ago and stress does NOTHING but intensify them. Hardcore intensify them. Sometimes they last five minutes, sometimes they last an hour, either way they leave me exhausted.

My doctor told me that they are instigated and propagated by stress. That's a vicious cycle isn't it?! All I know is I can't seem to get enough sleep. And I slept a LONG time on saturday. I slept 11 hours from when I went to bed from when I woke up!! And I'm still exhausted.

We went to church today and the message was good to hear. It was "All In"....about giving it all up to God and doing it honestly. Admitting our weaknesses, our flaws, our shortcomings, and living life with a clear conscious. God died for our sins but the bible tells us to live our life with a clear conscious (the exact passage is in 1st Timothy but I didn't get the chapter and verse). But it was about putting our faith all in to God, letting Him empty us of our human ways and fill us up with the Holy Spirit. It was about giving our whole heart and not holding anything back.

We sang this beautiful song called Everything that was about giving everything to God, in every part of our life, through every stage in life. In our weeping, waiting, loving, laughing, working, etc. It was beautiful.

I texted Scott yesterday. I don't know where we stand. I told him I still love and care about him. We are going to keep taking some time apart I guess and reevaluate where we stand in a while. Are we friends right now? Just acquaintances? Ex's with feelings still for each other but nothing more? No idea. I guess we'll just see how things go. My heart is so protected right now and he made it sound like it's torture talking to me again. I could be wrong.

Tina is feeling sad for me right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. Never really have. Even when Scott and I were together and he was my best friend, I could never fully open up to him because he depended so much on me for him. When I needed someone to be strong for me, he couldn't because he was relying on me so much. I've never had a relationship like that with anyone in my family. I also have never had a friendship that I could just run to the friend and expect them to be there and be open and strong for me. Tina thinks it's sad. I think it's sad. It's hard, it hurts, and it's lonely. But I guess I'm so used to it I don't know any other way. I'm used to bearing the brunt of my whole life and everyone else's....but no one really helping to bear the brunt of mine.

I don't know how to ask for help, how to ask for someone to be there for me or be strong for me. I need it right now.

My anxiety attacks have me so worn down emotion is dull but painful. I'm crying again for the sheer reason I have no one I can literally go to and cry on their shoulder and be there for me. Man I just need someone to run their hands through my hair and tell me I'm going to be ok, just reaffirm that for me. Someone just to be strong for me for a little while. Sometimes I get so tired of being strong.

Optimism, I need to get back to being more optimistic again.

Ok I'm off to bed, last mid-term tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is also the Thriller event :) Gotta love Michael Jackson and learning how to dance like a zombie!! And Alyssa is teaching....gotta go support her :)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

This is a day of blogging

Wow, so many thoughts running through my head today. Need a place to purge and this is it :) Hope you all don't mind. If you do then don't read. Ha ha ha.

Thank God for the beautiful messages that come through Christian music. Today on the way to Greeley and then to Brighton from Greeley I was listening to 89.7 which is a Christian rock radio station. Lately the beat, pulse, rhythms and loudness of rock music is touching my core.

I love all sorts of music. For the past couple years it's been a lot of country and folk/acoustic/soul. In high school and the first year or so of college I was crazy into alternative rock. I didn't listen to hardly anything other than 93.3, which is the local alternative rock station. Right now rock is just allowing me the expression of the restlessness inside. I can blast it and it's like some of the tumultuous feelings inside start to subside.

The messages in Christian rock though remind me of God's love and grace and how I need to just keep relying on God. Like Barlow Girl "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this by myself, I can't do this, I can't do this, Oh God I need Your help." There was a new Skillet song I heard today that I really loved. Just great songs all the way around.

I'm sending out a shoutout though. I got some Skullcandy earbuds and I normally don't like them (my ears are too small). But these earbuds you can adjust and they are actually comfortable and I love them. Go get yourselves a pair....great investment :)

This whole Scott and breaking up and losing my best friend is apparently starting to show on my face to no extreme. My grandma keeps remarking on it, everyone asks if I'm tired, what's wrong. I'm expecting someone to sit me down and say "tell me your thoughts" in a psychologist sort of way.

My brothers have been offering comic relief though. I love them to death. Earlier Marshall had me laughing up a riot. I love that kid for his comedy in times of need. We did the car shuffle in our driveway and when my brother pulled my mom's car in the garage, he decided to pull a prank. He took the shelf sitting next to the garage wall and shook it really hard to mimic something hit it and my dad came running out. Man the look on his face was priceless :) We probably shouldn't pull pranks like that but we couldn't resist it! This is why they call us shitheads.

Here's what my heart feels right now: I've lost a best friend. It hurts like hell. .I love Scott. But I'm not sure in what the sense of friend or still other than friend. I miss him. But I feel like I need to move on. I need to just let my heart mend. I like Brian. I have no idea what that means at this point in time. Am I just playing with my heart and the hearts of others because I don't know what the heck is going on?! I'm learning who I am. What I want. What I need. Is Scott that?! Is Brian that?! Dude, I have no idea.

What do I do about school?! Man I'm so tired of school right now and it's reflecting in my grades and the effort put forth. I'm paying thousands of dollars but I just don't care right now. A large part of that could be because I know this isn't my ultimate life goal. But what does that say about me always trying my best at everything?!

I need to get out. I know I say that but I do. I don't know why I don't. I would be happier. I would probably get more in touch with myself as a person. I would learn more about God. I guess right now I'm just hesitant because my emotions have me ultimately worn down.

Tyce is running and talking and has the biggest smile. He was saying "Hello" into the cell phone earlier. Then we count "one, two...." and he really cutely and with the biggest grin goes "THREE!" And of course he dances!! It's absolutely adorable. He's such a cutie :) Here's Tyce in his costume.

Ok I think I'm finally done for today. I might write more later if I need an outlet. We'll see. If not, bon nuit.

Learning to Move

This last week I think I finally started confronting the reality of my decision. It's been a trying week.....that may be an understatement but it has. I have skipped class, failed a test and drove myself crazy with my emotions. My mind has run me.

I actually cried for the first time on Monday. I've cried every day since then. At first I thought that maybe I was completely immune to any emotion when I broke up with Scott as I couldn't cry. Even when I wanted to I couldn't. Lately it's been a test of strength to keep myself from crying in the middle of a crowded room.

I don't have any good friends to talk to. My best friend is the one I broke up with and he doesn't even want the memories of me. I tried to call Bri, she is the only one that knew my and Scott's relationship. But she wasn't home. Everyone here in Colorado only knows the hear-say. The good thing about Scott hardly ever having been home is there are not very many memories here to remember, they all reside in California and Japan.

This morning was trying. I dropped off the last of Scott's stuff, the backpack he let me borrow, at his mom's house. He wasn't home which may or may not have been a blessing. But at that moment it finally hit me that the only best friend I had, the person who knows me in and out, the one I need to be there, is the person who more than likely will never come back into my life ever again. I broke down, I cried, I texted him, even after he let me know in no uncertain terms that even a chance at a friendship is minimalistic.

I still love him. That much I've realized.

I either made the biggest mistake of my life or the reality not having my best friend has finally so completely hit me.

Either way, nothing will ever be the same. No matter what happens.

So I said my goodbye and I've decided that if Scott is ever in my life again that will be his decision, somewhere down the road.

But for myself I have to move on. I have to stop remembering and just go forward with the future and let God have His hand in my life and lead me where I need to go.

After dropping the stuff off at Scott's house I let the tears just flow, I let the irony sink in, and spent an hour at a park in Greeley talking to God and crying. I hopped on the swings and started to "fly", trying to reach my toes to heaven, to touch God. I laid my problems upon God. And I realized I need to move on. I have the memories and they are sweet and beautiful. They hurt. They are painful. But I need let God give me the strength to get back to life.

The pain is there. It hurts SOO terribly bad. But God and I are going to pick myself up and I'm going to let the future and whatever happens will happen. The pain is there but there's hope. God has something amazing for me in my future. I don't know if it will involve Scott in any way or not, but there's something amazing. And I have to get through this to keep going.

I don't know what I want, what's best. But right now, I'm picking up and going with things. I'll just have to see where life takes me. I'm fragile, I'm in pain, I'm emotional, but at least it tells me I'm normal and capable of normal feelings. I've started to doubt that I had a heart lately. I loved and still love Scott. I don't know what that means. I know it means I'm not ready for another relationship. I also know that it means I loved Scott fully and with all I had. Otherwise I wouldn't feel as I do right now. But I think it also means I'm living my life how God told me to, to trust in His plan for my life, to love others fully, and to have hope. The fact that my heart hurts means something is right in my life, I'm a woman :)

I guess the last two posts were a reflection of me freaking out. I think that's normal. Just everyone can now read it and make fun of me and think I'm a quasi freak :)

Ok anywho, I'm having a family dinner tonight. And I'm relishing in the blessing that is my parents, brothers, cousins, aunt, uncle and nephew. Praise God for family.....I don't know what I'd do without them.

Goldfish and Wine

Hahahaha......oh how I've resorted to a little bit of a low. I needed to get the edge off of my restlessness and I needed to sleep tonight. Sleep without dreaming.

All of my dreams reflect my thoughts and emotions on life.

A few nights ago I had a dream that dealt with Scott and Brian and failing school. It basically was a representation of every thought going through my head.

I want to sleep for awhile to escape that.

Shelly and I went grocery shopping tonight. We got the obligatory flavor-blasted goldfish. I've been munching on those as my stomach always bears the weight of any emotion and is right now currently a tumultuous torrent.

I'm also downing my second cup of wine. Feeling a little tipsy and excited because it's going to knock my bum out tonight!! Bring on a moveless, dreamless sleep tonight :)

Great, I've resorted to goldfish and wine to temporarily escape my head. Hahahaha the only thing going through my head right now is the alcohol lab we did for Medical Nutrition Therapy and the amount of calories I'm consuming from goldfish and wine. Basically I just ate about 500 calories of empty caloric value, making my body even more inadequate in the proper vitamins, minerals and other nutrients it needs but feeding it worthless calories that inevitably add to weight gain.

Tomorrow I have Treatsylvania where I get to hand out candy to little kids :) I'm going to go buy some fairy wings and that will be my costume.

Alyssa was talking to me about dressing up for Halloween. I haven't done that since fifth grade. She's going to be a purple skittle wearing rainbow colored gloves and socks to represent "taste the rainbow." She told me I should be the green-colored skittle :) We'll see if I can pull it off.

We are decorating the IBOX as the Lorax this year. I'm the IBOX liaison of the Campus Activities as a whole. We are going to make the IBOX the Once-ler, all shabby and mixed up. The stairs will be part of the forest and then they will enter ASAP into the old Once-ler, see the Lorax pop up while encountering the Thnead Factory and leave along with the once-lers and encountering the stumps.

Ok, anyway, I'm going to continue binging on goldfish, wine and Friday Night Lights Season One. Tomorrow I'm going to the Farmers Market to get the last of the seasons fresh fruit and veggies :) Heck yes to supporting local!!

Bon nuit.

Friday, October 24, 2008


I'm numb. I didn't think that breaking up would be this hard. I didn't think I loved him as much as I did/do. But I promised him I wouldn't come back to him later and tell him I love him. I'll just keep that locked away inside I guess.

I don't know if he would care anyway that I'm feeling this way.

I have to move on. I have to get past this. How do I do it though?

I was just fine until Monday. Ick I have class, a test next Monday, work, and all I want to do right now is run away.

Where should I go? After I finish work today I'm thinking about ditching my last class and driving. Where to?! No idea. Just driving.

Study abroad sounds like SUCH a great idea right now.

I'm trying to escape my emotions. Only problem is they won't escape me?! Anyone with some great advice?!

I wanna talk to him. Hear his voice. Have my best friend tell me I'll be ok. I don't have that right now. In any way shape or form.

I'm wearing my glasses today. My eyes are SO red and inflamed from pulling an all-nighter last night. Only problem is my eye lashes are so long my mascara is running all over them and the constant flow of tears keeps collecting on my frames.

The girl sitting across the computer from me keeps staring at me and wondering why I'm crying. Why am I crying?! I broke up with him.

He thinks that I've filled my heart with another guy already.

Oh shiit, my mascara is effectively all over the left side of my face. Quick bathroom run.

Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why is this so hard?! Why am I so vulnerable?! Why do I care so much?! Why do I still have these deep emotions towards him?!


I was reading diary entries from years back, years and years back, up until now. I never realized how dark and depressing they were. This one reminds me of them. But still, I can't help it. I have no one else to turn to. I just need someone to tell me I'll be ok. Right now I can't convince myself of it. I hurt too damn bad. Friends are usually the ones to help get you through this.

Ok I'm out, my mascara is effectively making me look like a raccoon and I have to blow my nose in the worst possible way.

Hahahaha I just reread my post and how pathetic I sound. Oh Lord.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Another thursday

It's been a crazy week. I can't keep my focus on school to save my life. I just REALLY don't want to be in school right now. As a matter of fact, I'm not quite sure what I want.

I feel like I'm standing in a room full of people constantly but yet so alone. I NEED someone who knows me inside and out. But I've realized I don't have anyone in my life right now that knows me inside and out. I have lots of great friends but no one that has been in my life and/or around long enough to really know that much about me. No one besides my family who is concerned too much about me. That feeling kind of sucks.

I guess what really hurts right now is knowing my friendship with Scott isn't and wasn't worth anything. It's amazing. I have never stayed friends with any person I dated for the sheer fact that we didn't have a good friendship. Scott was my best friend. I was his so I thought. But he's made it so completely apparent that friendship was worth absolutely jack shit. He has deleted me completely out of his life. However, I find it amazing he never so completely deleted his other ex out of his life even after we broke up. Unless he finally did it.

I texted him to ask if we would ever talk again. He basically made it known that unless I was in his life as his girlfriend he didn't want me in his life period. That hurts. Knowing our friendship wasn't worth more than that. Makes me realize just how much I actually meant to him. Having a girlfriend, someone to love, someone to love him back was what mattered, not actually me. That hurts. At least I let it be known I still cared about him. Apparently that's not the case on his end.

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

Just hard. He was the one person who knew everything about me inside and out, was my friend, was the one person I can talk to. I don't have that. Just reaffirms the lack of meaning and purpose I have in a lot of people's lives right now.

Anywho, I have a mid-term tomorrow. Man oh man I might be in over my head. I got a D on my last one, which was weird considering I was confidant that I was going to get a B when I walked out. I had one on Monday and I'm not sure how well that one went. Still waiting on my grade. I have one on Monday. That one is my most challenging class. The one tomorrow shouldn't be too hard but I could be wrong. It's a very interesting class....Nutrition in the Life Cycle.

I just got done with my Sustainable Food Issues class. That was an amazing class!!! I absolutely loved that class. I wish I had more that were like that.

In my Community Nutrition class (my least favorite) we are working on a service learning project in which we volunteer at a community organization and then plan some sort of nutritional intervention. We are working at NCAP - the Northern Colorado AIDS Project. It's amazing the lack of nutrition education a lot of the general public has. Right now we are focusing strictly on education that will hope start the motivation to start them down a path of a more nutritious lifestyle. Alyssa is most excited about the vegan condoms :) Lol, that girl cracks me up.

I started swimming again. Man it is SO relaxing, it feels great. I obviously am not in the shape I used to be but it feels great to be back in the water.

Tomorrow I'm going to a barbecue with some classmates. Taking tons of leftover wine from our masquerade ball. Then Tiffany asked me to go rockclimbing :) It will be the first time I've ever done anything like it and I'm actually excited!! never done anything like this before. We'll see how it goes.

I saw Brian at the rec yesterday :)

Ok, I need to get back to studying, so I don't completely bomb this mid-term. More to come later.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

Friday Night Lights is back on in it's third season

Man I love this show :)

Sunday, October 19, 2008

This is our fate: virtue

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to get you but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on closer dear
And i will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm your's

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This this this is out fate, I'm yours!

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God." [Philippians 1:9-11]

A Phi O Retreat

I said I'm proud to be in A Phi O :)

I'm a member of Alpha Phi Omega....for those who don't know it's a co-ed community service fraternity. Yes co-ed fraternity. No that would not make it a sorority. And we are brothers, not sisters. Ha ha ha

Last night we had our retreat. It was the first APO thing I was able to do this semester and man I miss that group of people. They are all so wonderful and supportive and grounded.

We stayed at the old high school in Nunn Colorado. First we did a little "name game" where they put the stickers on your back of a character and you ask others questions to figure out who you are. Do you know how long it takes you to figure out when you are Toto?!?!?!?!?! Lol.

We were in the gym and were shooting hoops, playing football, volleyball etc. We ate some rad dinner that everyone had cooked earlier and brought their dishes. Had some dessert.

THEN came pumpkin carving. I personally didn't carve a pumpkin. I'm not too good at it. HOWEVER I volunteered to be in charge of making pumpkin seeds. YUM!!! :) They were amazing.

The most amazing part was spending time with such high quality people. It was great to be with them, to laugh, giggle, be goofy, be excited, get hugs, give hugs, hang out. It was SOO wonderful to talk to Tami last night.

Her ex broke up with her a month-and-a-half ago, I broke up with Scott a month ago. We are helping each other to heal. We both read Captivating. We have been talking about that book a lot recently. It's good to have someone else to talk about that with. She just prayed to accept Jesus as her Saviour a few days ago :) I welcomed her to the family.

Tonight I went home and had dinner with my family and watched Friday Night Lights. It felt good to be back around my family again. It was fun to watch Friday Night I love that show :)

Ok I need to get to bed. Onward bed-ho I go.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Hahaha Welp!!!

Thank you Lord :)

Honestly I mean it.

I am spending the day as a "diabetic" testing my blood sugars and poking my fingers. Not injecting false insulin though....thank gosh, don't think I could do that. I have to track how much insulin I WOULD give myself though. I'm really thankful I don't have diabetes.

I got to spend a half hour sitting by the lagoon and talking to God today. It was quite refreshing and very peaceful and calming.

I needed it after last night.

My mood is kinda sketch right now. I'm on my period and for some reason semi emotional this time around. Usually I'm not even close but I have been so sensitive to everything yesterday. I laughed hard, I cried hard, I was more quiet than normal, I have that slight feeling of frustration that comes on the rare months I actually exhibit symptoms of PMS.

Last night, Brian emailed me back about an email I sent to him, asking if he considered our time together two sundays ago a date or hanging out. (I also explained to him in the email my feelings are not rebound....and that I don't want to rush anything......and that I'm protecting my heart right now.) He replied that we are friends getting to know each other :) However, he also informed me that my dad had friend requested him on facebook and asked to meet with him, me and my mom all together.

I understand my dad's intentions. However, heads up notice would have been most preferable! I had no idea this was happening. Fortunately Brian was not too weirded out, but I am! Like he said, he probably feels as though we were dating and rushing, and that's not what I want. I just want to get to know him.


He's going to respond to him, let him know that Brian and I stand as friends right now and I'm going to have a talk with my parents when I get home tomorrow. They have great intentions but that was a bit too much too soon for me just telling them how I like the guy.

When I got Brian's email I laughed so hard I started crying, then I cried, because it makes me feel SO embarrassed. Great memory to laugh at later on in life though :)

Anywho, I guess in one sense it makes it easier for me to not be so nervous around Brian as I feel as though that just freaked him out and the hopes of ever being asked on a date in the future are drastically less. Ok, maybe that's unrealistic but that's how this made me feel. But awkwardness to the max!

I have a midterm in an hour. I don't honestly care. I don't like the class, I'm over school right now. I just don't care about it. And I don't think it will be hard.

I'm concerned about Kelly. She is going through some tough times with her fiance. He's being a grade-A dick right now and all I wanna do is fix her life for her. Man I'm a fixer. I like to fix, take care, help things.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm cold-hearted. I'm not as empathetic and sympathetic as most people. Well in some cases. In other instances I am. But sometimes I wonder if my lack of emotions towards things is bad. It feels wrong but I've just hardened parts of my heart to certain situations in the world.

Newest favorite songs at the moment: Jason Mraz "I'm Yours", Colbie Caillat "Magic", and Jazon Mraz w/ Colbie Caillat "Lucky"

I'm longing to read my bible and talk to God right now. I need it. He calms my heart and nerves.

I'm learning patience right now. I have faith God has a wonderful A-MAZ-ING plan for my life, I just have to have patience to see what it is!!

Man I can't wait to see what that plan is :) I have so many hopes, dreams, desires and passions. I know if I follow the right path I will be blessed in the most unimagineable way possible....God will fulfill those hopes, dreams, desires and passions. I know he will :)

Ok on to mid-term #1.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Tomato Berries

Today was our last day in my Sustainable Food Issues class. It has definitely been an interesting class that has opened up my eyes to my ignorance towards food production, distribution and the sustainability of such processes already in place. I definitely have figured out that when it comes to food, I go against the grain of what has become entrenched in the food system of America.

When I have the money, I will start purchasing shares in a CSA. Organic. Local grown. I want to establish my own garden. Next year I'm going to have my dad teach me how he buys calves and baby pigs, raises them, slaughter, etc. I don't trust the global food market. Not like I ever did as I've always had my own grass-fed/cold corn fed combo, hormone-free, antibiotic-free, free-range, never slaughtered before 1 1/2 year beef and pork that came from our own place.

Anywho, sustainable food is a rant for another day. A woman named Ruth came in today to talk to us about how she plays her part in sustainability. In the middle of Fort Collins, in her tiny lot, she grows a garden that sustains them from April to October. She works with other local farms in which she also gets fruit and vegetables that she doesn't have room to grow. She's really big on native plants and flowers. Just all around awesome, peppy, environmentally-in tune lady.

She had these tomato berries today that we tried. Just little tiny tomato berries!! Crazy!! Native plant that produces tiny delicious tomato berries that have more flavor than most full tomatoes :) It was nuts but insanely exciting.

We found our kitty Tink. She is now safely back home, safe and sound, smaller than before. But ever more of an attention whore after going 3+ weeks without some lovin and food. She basically lived on my lap this morning while I was getting ready. Snuggled up, made her spot, also claimed my bed last night. She followed me into the shower, out of the shower, all around. It's good to have her home!

Anywho, swimming again tonight!! Looking forward to it. Brian might join Kelly and I :) Still really getting to know each other. I like it! No idea where he stands on things still but that's ok. I'm having fun just being interested in a new guy. It's new, exciting, fun, flirty.

Alright, getting back to work!!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


The "loneliness" of being alone is semi starting to hit me. I guess I was a lot more used to talking to someone every day for over two years than I thought. It's nice but still weird to me to not have to pick up the phone every night to talk to someone.

I miss my friendship with Scott. I really do. Our friendship was a very special friendship. We clicked from day one, talked so openly and comfortably with one another. I may not be able to give him my heart and be in a relationship with him but he IS a great friend. The sad part is that I know I most likely will never have that. It's not very often that people stay friends after breaking up, at least not in my experience. It would be awkward for me too in a sense, to stay such close friends, as all of my exes literally just left from my life completely after we broke up.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I had someone else I felt comfortable going to that knew me so well. But honestly, no one does. Even my mom, I can talk to her about just about anything, but my mom and I are not at a point in our lives where I feel that she knows me as well as she used to. I'm growing and learning and changing every day and she's not here to witness it, hear it, see it, experience it. I have several acquaintances, great friends, etc.

I guess I have just never been good at letting others be great friends to me. I just have never felt worthy of their deep close friendship I guess.

I dunno. I guess I just want someone to talk to right now. Someone who knows me and understands me.

Do you think this is God's way of saying "turn to me my beautiful one, I will listen to you and comfort you?"

I have always known I do best when I have lots of others around. I mean honestly!!! The craziness of growing up in a big family is what I loved, I don't ever want to live alone. I like the sound of others around constantly, footsteps, water running, humming, singing, computer typing, etc.

I guess I just need to be more comfortable being alone?!


Hahahah well the title of the blog reminded me of playing the old school nintendo with Brian the other night which reminds me of game nights which REALLY makes me want to play some games right now!!

Anywho, I met with my academic advisor this morning and......I GET TO GRADUATE ON TIME!!!

Oh I can't even tell you just HOW excited I am :) I will be taking 14 credit hours, 17 if I don't successfully challenge my computer class (so I get the credit but don't have to take the class or pay for taking the class). And I will officially be a CSU Alum in May when I walk across that stage. No summer classes, no hassles, nothing, zip, zada, zooch!!

It's seriously WEIRD to think I will be graduating from college already. I mean YIKES I never even thought I'd reach the age of 21! But here I am about to graduate with my first bachelor's (that's right, I DID just say first.....of two).

It also brings me a HUGE sense of accomplishment. Our society is used to instant gratification. But trust me, working for four years for a stupid piece of paper is not even close to instant gratificiation. But I feel so rewarded already.

I called my dad and was laughing and giggling and singing "I said I'm proud to be a CSU RAM!" and it put him in a good mood :)

Just makes me feel good, makes me anticipate the excitement I'll feel when I'm actually walking across that stage in my gown, hat and tassle. WOOT WOOT!!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Reviving old passions

I've noticed one thing this past week......I have an annoying laugh. Honestly, it can be absolutely obnoxious to my own ears. A fellow employee informed me she loves my laugh but it can be obnoxious.

However, it's full-bellied, it's from the heart, it's genuine.

It also has a tendency to make others around me smile/laugh/giggle.

My laugh hasn't been so full for awhile now. I've found that with a certain inner calm (though not complete) my laugh has changed and I love it. It feels so great :)

This evening I'm going swimming with Kelly. I've always loved swimming. It was the one thing that felt semi natural, that I was semi good at, and it was something that made me feel good. I haven't really swam for three years now. It's nerve-wracking getting back in the water. But I'm excited!! I haven't taken the time for myself a lot these last three years, especially these last two.

In a sense I've completely lost sense of myself, I was so used to being uncomfortable and out of my element, I was used to being "responsible" and forgetting to pay attention to myself.

And now that I'm focusing back on personal growth and rediscovering who I truly am, I decided I wanted to rekindle an old passion. And along with that old passion came a friend who has jumpstarted me back into it. It's amazing how God circulates themes, friends, etc in our life at the right time, for the right reason, for the right lesson.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A Different Weekend

This weekend has been quite the weekend. It's been different that's for sure.

This is the first real weekend that I have had time to cope with being alone. Long-term. I didn't really realize how used I was to having a best friend to talk to everyday, to pour my feelings out to, someone to just INTERACT with until today. Scott used to be that. I could go to him about anything and everything.

Obviously breaking up interrupts that. I'm not saying I miss the relationship I had that I was unhappy with. But I do miss his friendship. More than anything, I miss a friendship in which that person knew just about everything about me, raw and honest. I don't have anyone else like that in my life other than my mom. I love my mom dearly, but I don't want to call and talk to her right now. Mainly because she has enough to worry about and honestly I don't really know WHAT to say, other than I just want some interaction. Interaction from someone who knows me and is just content sitting with me and not necessarily talking, just being there for me. That and I hate the phone, with a passion. Man, talking on the phone drives me NUTS!! But I guess it IS the only way to keep in touch with people sometimes.

I had an Arbonne party last night and that was fun! We did the spa line, they played with ALL of my product, we laughed talked and had fun. Yesterday morning my Aunt Marci and Uncle Mark came up and walked the Homecoming 5k with me. Talk about freezing!! This was perhaps the worst weekend to have a homecoming.....wet, freezing, dreary, overcast.....just downright poopy. Not the sort of weather for a wheeny like me :)

I was going to go to the homecoming football game yesterday but Kelly's puppy got sick, Brian never called/texted about meeting up at the game, I had no cash for parking and frankly wasn't going to cheer on the Rams in the freezing rain by myself! So I didn't go to that. Or the volleyball game today as I'm having a lazy day, sitting here in an oversized sweater and sweatpants and watching Hope Floats, avoiding my piles of homework.

Friday night was a blast though! It was the homecoming festivities. I was able to cross a couple things off my list. I went to the homecoming parade. I met up with Brian and we watched it. The theme was "Go Green". So of course our infamous green man was on a float, a whole bunch of 'dog-powered', 'horse-powered', 'foot-powered' and 'bike-powered' stuff was going on. It was fun :) However, none of the high school bands were there. That was a little different. I'm used to having the high school bands there as well.

Then there was food, the bonfire, the band played out on the lawn, the lighting of the "A" and fireworks. Brian and I had a nice night just chatting and hanging out. I'm still confused by him though. We know we have mutual "I have interest in you feelings" but yeah no idea what's going on at this point. We are just friends?! But we hung out last Sunday and I'm not sure if he considered that a date or not. Yeah I dunno. I'm confused, I'm protecting my heart.

We met up with some of his friends and they played b-ball at the rec afterwards and then we all played volleyball. That was fun! I have absolutely no hand-eye coordination and I'm a very awkward person. So let's just say that watching me was probably a bit embarrassing and/or entertaining. It was fun though, it felt good to be a little active again.

Kelly and I are going to start swimming tomorrow :) I can't wait....I've been wanting to get back in the pool for awhile now!

Alright, on to some homework I go.

Friday, October 10, 2008


I finished reading Captivating last night!!
It was probably the best book I've read to date. I've never read a book that touched my heart and my feelings so deeply.
It has made me re-evaluate the way I go about life, what I need to do and believe for myself, and how valuable I am as a beautiful woman.
It's hard to put into words what it is that I felt when I read this book. It's like God opened my heart to it at the right time and was filling my heart with some much needed love and words from His mouth via the authors.
The last four chapters especially touched me the most. They perhaps reached into the deepest darkest depths of my heart, it's darkest secrets and what I struggle with most. The whole book was nothing but I raw dive into my own heart, but especially the last half touched me in a way the first half didn't.
It was encouraging and amazing to read how intimately God made us women, what we are designed for, the irreplacable role we place on this earth and the beauty of the relationship only we have as women with God.
I have a lot of "heart-searching" I'm doing right now. I have a lot of things in my life I need to address, I need to repent of, I need to forgive. There is also a lot of faith in my God that I need to have, no feeling it, just going straight for it.
My Creator LOVES me, He pursues me daily, He is captivated by me. I need to learn to accept that. I want to learn to the greatness of that truth!!
My head has been spinning since I read that a good way. It's just amazing how much my Creator knows me in and out, the depths of my heart. I would never have guessed that Jesus could see so far into my heart. Call it shallow but I thought I was pretty good of hiding a lot from the world. I guess this is a lesson that nothing is hidden from God :) And I am so comfortable with that at the moment.
There is so much that I don't want to hide anymore, and it's comforting to know I don't have to hide it. God knows, and He loves me despite the shame I have because of it. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who lives with the knowledge of my past.
I love that book, I would highly encourage ANY woman to read it :)

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

A feeling of exhaustion

Today and yesterday my exhaustion has hit full throttle. Hardcore.
I didn't realize how much I am exhausting myself until I walked around all day yesterday with a headache, falling asleep in every class, falling asleep in the middle of typing an email, and then again today when it takes all of one second for me to doze off from the world.
I need to get some rest!!
Sad part is, the semester is starting to get CRAZY!!! Oh well, I'll fly on through it, or sleep through it ;)
I ran into Brian again today :) We hung out on Sunday. I don't know if it was a date or honestly hanging out. I'm taking the safe route and assuming it was two mutual friends hanging out getting to know each other. He taught me how to play a few chords on the guitar, we went and grabbed a bite to eat, and then went back to my place and played old-school nintendo for a couple hours. It was fun! I'm an idiot though.
I'm so outgoing and talkative and loud. But I get around him and I'm so nervous and so excited that I can't help but revert into myself and I can't get myself back out!! It's ridiculous. I made a fool of myself so many times. HA!
Ok back to work, NEED to keep working on homework.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

A Night on the Town

Tonight we went out to celebrate friends and my belated birthday. Kelly, Brian and I hit the town with Betsy meeting up with us later on with her friend Nicole.

It was a fun night :) We had a couple drinks but no getting drunk, we hit a couple different bars and took in the sights, we talked and laughed at each other, and we knitted more weaves in our friendships with each other.
Brian and I got to know each other better again tonight. Ok, that sounds weird as life is nothing but one continuous learning fantastic journey. But you know, we are still getting to know the basics of each other. What we think, what we know, past memories, likes, dislikes, what makes each other tick. I guess in a way you can say we are feeling each other out, hanging out, establishing a friendship.
I was amazed at a few of the things that happened tonight though. God always comes up in some way when we are together. I like that God is so intimately woven into both of us that it's a fundamental part of our identities. I love that he's not afraid to express it. I also really respect the fact that he's so adament to make sure that all of us women went inside first, that he opened all the doors for us. That he was concerned with the well-being of all four of us women. It's rather refreshing to see that.
Well anyway, I had a wonderful night. A relaxing fun exciting night. But I have church in the morning and therefore need to get a little bit of sleep. I hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Saturday, October 04, 2008


Tomorrow (ok well technically tonight) as a research group we are going out on the touch to belatedly celebrate my 21st. Brian, Kelly, Alyse and at least myself are going out. I've never been out. I don't go out. I stay home, I cause trouble by getting into unharmful mischief, I party by laughing until the wee hours with friends. I've never been out. I'm nervous about it. Not quite sure why. And I'm going to be drinking. Not to get drunk, but to have a few drinks. I've never had more than three Smirnoff ices at a time. We'll see how this works.
I'm excited to hang out with Brian and get to know him better on Sunday. Is it a date or is it just hanging out? Kelly keeps calling it a date, I think it's hanging out getting to know each other better. I wonder how Brian sees it. Hmmm. Oh and also nervous for that. I haven't been asked out on a first date since I was, well actually since my freshman year of high school. WOW!
The first guy I dated asked me out on a date to go to homecoming. My second relationship was a set-up blind date that went well. My third relationship we met and became friends via myspace and then I was asked to "wait" for him until he got home from being stationed in Okinawa. There was no real first date. Wow, it's all kind of new for me :)
I'm reading Captivating. I love this book so far!! Honestly, it's touching a place in my heart I couldn't imagine. I picked it up and started reading it about a year ago. I couldn't get past page four or five. I wasn't prepared, my heart wasn't ready.
Now my heart is prepared, my heart is open. This book is speaking to me in a way I needed to hear. Next I'm going to read Wild at Heart. I want to understand males a little better. I've heard it's an A-MAZ-ING book. Did you know the authors live here in Colorado?! I love how they are so honest.
I admire honesty. I would rather hear the most awful truth than to be lied to.
My bible verse for the day:
Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
The three things a woman longs for in her heart of hearts (so true):
To be romanced, to play an irreplacable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty.
That is exactly what my deepest desires are, what my heart yearns for and what I dream about. It's what makes a woman come alive.

Friday, October 03, 2008

101 Things To Do Before You Leave CSU

Here's what I have left for this year:

-Pet CAM the Ram
-Hike to the top of Horsetooth Mountain
-Speak on the stump in the plaza (will probably never do this)
-Tailgate before a football game
-Attend the lighting of the "A"
-Help build a homecoming float (probably won't happen either)
-Swim in Horsetooth Reservoir
-Do your homework in Monfort Square
-Go on a local brewery tour
-Get your professor to buy you lunch
-Make a request on KCSU
-Watch a Cinema CSU movie
-Attend a Take Back the Night Rally in April
-Play in an intramural game
-Attend your College Council meeting
-Do a lap at the Jack Christensen Memorial Track
-Walk/Bike/Skateboard/Runalong the Spring Creek Trail
-Say "hey coach" to Steve Fairchild
-Attend a Border War game against Wyoming
-Go to a swimming and diving meet
-Take a "fun final" a final for a class you're not registered for (hmmm.....probably won't do this either)
-Attend a men's or women's basketball game
-Go to the annual rodeo
-Attend an International Week event
-Go to a drive-in movie
-Visit Pingree Park
-Visit the study abroad office
-Attend an ASCSU meeting
-Attend the 4th of July fireworks at City Park
-Go to a concert
-Go dancing at a club with friends
-Party til dawn
-Get a chair massage at the Wellness Zone
-Climb a 14er
-Ride a mechanial bull (hahaha.....SO random)
-Visit the administration building
-Talk to your ASCSU senator (our body president is an ass)
-Attend family weekend with your family
-Have a chili bowl in the Ramskellar

We'll see if I can get it all done :)

Thursday, October 02, 2008


Dude, this has been a CRAZY week. Two tests, two labs, a paper and a breakup later, it's been a completely crazy week.

But it's been a good week. It's been one of trial, strength, weakness, compassion, bullheadedness, faith, prayer and love. And all of it possible because I believed God could give me the strength to push through.

The peace I feel inside, the strength God has instilled in me. It's A-MAZ-ING. Like totally rad :)

My dad and mom sort of are freaked out with good reasons why. My dad is cracking down on my dating life. From here on out he wants to pre-approve whoever chooses to date me. Rightly so. I agree with him. I'm glad he wants to do right this time. I'm glad he wants to protect and take care of me. I'm glad he wants to continue to be the first man in my life :)

With that being said, Brian asked me to hang out on Sunday. Just as friends but getting to know each other. He also mentioned his soccer game a couple times and invited me to go if I wanted. We spent this afternoon talking over lunch. It was good to get to know him. I want, if anything develops between us, to take it slow. No more moving fast, no more rushing things, just a slow Godly relationship that is full of a passion and zest for life and God. That's all I want and all I need. Someone who enjoys life to enjoy life with me.

I'm enjoying life, I'm enjoying giving the blessing of life up to God, I'm enjoying knowing I'm taken care of and loved unconditionally :)

Here's my new out next time it's going to be drastic :)

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Unordinary Day

Well today quickly turned from ordinary to unordinary. Scott I found wasn't taking things too well. He says he can't live without me. I know he can. But I know he doesn't want to. But I can't continue in a relationship in which I'm unhappy, and I think tonight he finally understood that.

He showed up at my place to talk to me. He brought me roses and talked to me, telling me he was sorry and he could change. Yes he could. But I don't want him to. And I know I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with him. I let him know that. I'm not mean, I'm not heartless, but I know what is good for me. And I think he caught on, though I know he doesn't like my answer.

In time he will heal, in time he will feel ok again. He needs to figure out who he is. Find his own strength and peace withing. Find his own positivity in life that comes from within. He will figure out how to live his faith and he will become a stronger man. He will be all the better for his future spouse because of the pain he's going through now.

In time I will completely heal. I'm not taking things obviously as bad as him. I made the decision. It's just hard to see a friend hurting, a friend I care about, one that I wish I could fix everything but I know I can't. In time he'll find out why I did what I did.

He decided he wanted to remain friends. That he really wants me in his life. Just limited contact so he can get over me. I understand and respect that. And I support it.

Anywho, today quickly became an interesting day. One that scared me and left me feeling not so great physically. I'm drained but I think it's for the better. I think Scott has figured out it's for the best, not the best for him now, but for the best.

I can't say I've ever been through this but the whole time I was all I could think of was "God, please give me the strength" because in all honesty I didn't want to and still don't want to deal with so much drama. My stomach is hurting SO bad because of the emotions that have been going through my body. I literally feel like someone is twisting my stomach inside out. Not because I'm so upset, but because of the anxiety caused by such events. God did give me strength. I've never been able to look at someone with so much strength and tell them "no" before. And all the while I think God's passion was pouring out of me because Scott understood. He didn't take it the wrong way, it wasn't easy but it wasn't unmanageable for him. God did that and I'm so thankful for it. I'm so thankful that strength God gives you in times when you need it most but expect to have it the least.

Christ is my rock. He's getting me through. He's keeping me tough and compassionate and reminding me what is right for my life. Thank you Lord. Thank you so much.

Brian came by and said hi to me today while I was at work :)

Mutual Feelings

He has mutual feelings :)
That gives me butterflies.

Ah, I just bombed two tests. My motivation has drastically gone downhill since start of this so called senior year. I just am ready to be done. Two years of school straight may be a tidge more than I can handle. That's ok. I just need to get on top of the ball for the rest of the semester.
That may be hard. I'm so sidetracked by ending a relationship, the mutual feelings I have for another person, the drive to want to have fun instead of doing school work, actually having great roommates that we sit and screw around for hours and cook and watch tv shows together, family get togethers that make me realize how short life is and how much time I want to spend with them, church and knowing this life is meant to be lived for God, and not for the next A.
Wow, that feels really good to start to get that out.
By the way, this new diet-drink thing I'm reading is absolutely whack and makes me sick at how people twist nutritional information to market a product that A) doesn't work B) isn't good for you and C) wastes your money by false claims.
Oh the joys of being a nutrition major :) At least I have fun reading nutrition labels. Hehehehe
Ok on to procrastinating more work.