Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Recap of 2009

Here is my recap of 2009....buckle your's a wild wild ride, especially romantically :)

January - I started off the New Year very quietly at my aunt's (guiltily had to read my own blog to remember what I did last New Year's Eve) and was texting a douche named Vrbas, who decided not to date me because we didn't have chemistry. God works in great ways. I started my month off a little wild also with an impromptu night in Estes Park with Alyssa who continually helps to "corrupt" me haha. I started my last hell-ish semester as a food science and human nutrition major and quickly realized it was going to be one hell of a semester because I wasn't the slightest bit interested in anything I was learning. However, I did take pleasure in seeing my friends every day and enjoyed living with two great girls that I could laugh with until all hours of the night. I also became obsessed with Twilight after Britt cornered me on my bed one night and made me start reading the first book. It took me a mere week and three days to finish all four books while working. I was hooked and it started many emphatic conversations between Shelly and I :)

February - my poor bike was stolen (RIP) and I soon found a new love of riding the bus to school every day as my form of transportation. I soon realized that I am ill equipped for Colorado weather despite having lived here my whole life and cursed myself to the bus stop every single day for not having my bike nor a decent pair of boots to wear. I enjoyed several fun nights out on the town with friends but mainly focused on working a job I was starting to loathe (trying to manage your own peers sucks most of the time, especially when they have no sense of respect) and trying to pay attention in class. For the most part I went to all my classes but one, my last one being my last class of the day which I didn't exactly love going to. I started taking an interest in one of my brothers friends and also traveled to "The Good Life" to watch him play baseball.

March - I had some fun traveling around, fooled around flirting with Marshall's friend and VOILA got my first tattoo :) Spring break was spent working and having fun with friends/family. School was meh and mid-terms came and went. I was doing fairly well. I started gaining a little bit of weight and found a new love for Nike sweatpants and dresses with leggings. I also adored my Northface jacket like none other. It was also around the end of this month that I started talking to Eric and I became intrigued.

April - brought a whole new meaning to the word senioritis and I found it increasingly difficult can I put this....give a rats ass about something I found I clearly had to interest in. My senior presentation was coming up and the only thing that saved me was two group mates who actually had an interest in researching the nutrition side of our topic (Alzheimer's disease and the Mediterranean diet) while I researched the medical specialty. Eric and I started talking more and even had coffee together. I invited him to come to our fancy party in May and he accepted the invitation. However, innocent flirtations on my part started manifesting in something more. April also brought a realization that I was soon to be a college grad and had no idea what I was going to do moving back home.

May - fancy party came and went and Eric and I shared our first kiss and first date. I graduated (FINALLY) although I will admit it was a very weird thing to happen....never thought I'd ever be in college let alone graduating from it. I soon learned that I wish I would have taken more advantage of the opportunities at hand while in college. Shelly and Britt and I shared a great last month together though a very emotional the blog if you want to know just how crazy emotional I was. I moved home and Kevan graduated high school. I confessed to Eric that I was falling in love with him and he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a crazy emotional yet happy time for me.

June - basically just a really fun time of hanging out in Denver with Eric as much as possible and going out on the town. Lots of fun nights and memories. My parents and I started fighting more and more though and old turmoils started coming up. I was used to living on my own and they are used to having rules to abide by. I started job hunting, albeit less than half-hearted as I wanted to enjoy a full month off before I started working again.

July - crazy more memories with Eric. We had a great fourth of July that was fun-filled. Though the end of the month brought a really bad and tumultuous break-up that included lots of surprises and crying and also brought the first time of me getting high. It started the drama of what has now become Eric and I's rollercoaster "relationship". I actually started job hunting with full force and applied to well over 90 jobs....including a job as a substitute para with the school district. I got the job and started the hiring process as well as applied for a substitute teaching license, of which I have but have not yet used. I also moved out of my parents house the day Eric broke up with me...I couldn't handle living at home between not getting along with them and the craziness that was going on in my heart. Also finished and mailed in my nursing school application to CU Denver's School of Nursing.

August - brought birthday number 22. Um, crazy. That's all I have to say about that. I spent the day driving the mountains with my aunt and Tori and then had a small gathering with friends. It started this crazy pursuit by a guy named Philip from our church which I avoided at all costs and as well sparked a period of not wanting any men near me (between the breakup and stalkerish pursuit I didn't want anything to do with any friends....including my guy bestie Cord). I spent the month working for my parents and gearing up to starting being a substitute. After a few weeks of not talking, Eric and I started hanging out again.

September - I took my first sub job as a preschool para at Henderson and funny enough took a second job the following week as a long-term sub in a classroom in the same a preschool para in the classroom I work in right now. Eric and I were hanging out and spent a great weekend doing the FoCo Tour de Phat. I told him my deepest secrets, he told me he loved me, and we were "together" again for a whole week before he started acting weird on me again. Through it all we've always talked and cuddled and kissed. It's a trend through it all. My parents and I started to get along better and started talking on a regular basis again.

October - a bit more of the same between Eric and I, pretty much just a common theme for now. We can't stay away from each other apparently but are perpetually never "together"....simply dating I guess is what you can call it. Still working as a long-term substitute para. Spent Halloween in Fort Collins and watched Eamonn's band perform for the first time. Was pretty rad....other than that, just a bunch of always on-the-go-ness.

November - was asked to apply for full-time position as special ed preschool para. LOVE my kiddos. Was hired and accepted the job :) More of the same with Eric. Started working for my parents doing chenille as the other guy quit. means more $$$ for me!! Thanksgiving goes on....a tad awkward as I was the one who started the family fued during Thanksgiving last year.

December - well here I am. Christmas was wonderful, my family is getting along better. I am working full-time and trying to get into nursing school. I live at my aunts but am trying to find a place to live (don't want to overextend my stay). I get semi-bored but am getting more content with "adult" life as I know I will be somewhere else six months down the road. Eric and I are still the same.

There we go, it's been a crazy crazy crazy year....and that's just a short recap off the top of my head. A lot of partying, drinking, hookah, couple times getting high, sex, love, rock n' roll, emotional turmoil, recklessness, confusion and bad/good decisions on my part. A lot of passion and looking for my place. A lot of faithfulness and impatience all in one. It's been a crazy year, but a memorable one at that. I've grown, I've taken a few steps back, I've gone off the beaten path, rebeled, come back, loved, loved, loved some more, had my heart broken, put my heart on the line, laughed, cried, doubted, hugged, kissed, and danced my way through this year.

Here's to 2009 and looking forward to 2010. It's been quite the year, let's see if I can top it!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

6-month Evaluation

One of my besties, Britt, and I had coffee the other's one of our new weekly rituals. I found this "local" coffee shop that's actually in a neighboring town but it's a local cafe owned by four sisters....I'm all about supporting the local economy.

Anywho, I love our weekly coffee dates; we get to catch-up on our lives and also chit-chat about goals and dreams. She's my oldest friend who we've been able to weave in and out of each other's lives to matter what's going on. I know I can tell her any and everything and whether or not we see eye-to-eye we've always been able to support one another.

Our conversation this time turned towards dating like always but then turned towards the future. She made a comment about how drastically our lives have changed in six months.....and if it isn't the truth then strike me dead. Six months ago she was living at home, was only a couple months into a relationship and was contemplating asking me tons of questions about school and what I would recommend. Six months ago I was actually a month into an actual relationship with Eric, had just graduated college, was job searching for all sorts of jobs, and my problems at the time revolved around family.

Time being what it is, has entirely changed both of our lives in so many ways. We've grown in some aspects and wandered off the beaten path in others.

So of course, our thoughts wondered towards the future: where we think our lives will be in six months. What are goals are now as opposed to what they will be at in June.

We decided we're going to write down our goals right now and where we think our lives will be in six months. Then six months down the road we will look back and be able to gawk at what is going on our lives now. It will be a way of looking at the past, present and also looking towards the future.

In six months, this is where I think I will be (as of my thoughts at this current moment):

*Romantically I think I will either be single and not even looking at men or I will happily be in a relationship. Right now I'm the romantic pessimist but everyone thinks I will be in the later. I just have a feeling I will be nowhere in between the two extremes like I am now. I'm going to get burnt out and it's going to go one way or the other.

*I think I'm going to be starting nursing school in six months. Or at least I hope I'm accepted into the program and start right away.....or I get rejected and I go to Regis and they tell me that if I can drop my life right then they can get me in. Either way I see myself back in school in some fashion.

*I will still be working for my parents, will just having finished with working preschool and will decline the position. If I have to work again I will probably go back to subbing.

*I also see myself living at home with my parents again and hopefully this time getting along better.

All-in-all, I see the huge transition period of my life starting to come down off of it's peak. I see it really starting to reach it's peak and start declining once I find out whether I've been accepted into nursing school or not. But only time will tell.

Either way, I feel myself starting to be more at peace with parts of my life. God is slowly, very very slowly, more slowly than I'd like, starting to calm my heart and my nerves.....but nonetheless He's calming them.

I'm getting along much better with my parents and family, I'm getting settled into being an adult much more than I was even a few short months ago, and I'm starting to realize that shortly my life will start seeing at least some sort of balance. I can't even relay just how calming it is to know that God is about to throw me major curveballs....but curveballs that will take me away from the most tumultuous time in my life.

God is faithful.....if we are patient enough to see that faithfulness. That is a huge lesson He has been teaching me through this all. I've been rather impatient but I'm seeing that God works....on His own time....but he works for what's best for us. We just have to be faithful ourselves.

God is beautiful.....that's for sure. And He's loving. And I have NO idea what He's doing in my life, and where my life is headed, but I'm SOOOOO friggin glad He's in control. Honestly I suck at being the driver. I'm a horrible passengar.....I'm sorta like one of those annoying backseat drivers.....but I'm an even more horrible driver.

Six months....I wonder what changes that will bring. With that, I should recap 2009 :)

To Come....

Oh my goodness:

This is a reminder for me to write a few things that I HAVE to get out.

1. A recap of the year
2. Britt and I's evaluations of where we think our lives will be in six months
3. My newest adventures in life

Tout a'leure

Thursday, December 24, 2009

The holidays are upon us and it honestly just really doesn't feel like holiday time to me.

We finally got snow for Christmas and I do adore that. It makes it feel a bit more like Christmas but I still feel as though there's something missing from the holidays....only I can't tell you what it is.

Right now I enjoy spending the holidays single and with my family....however I do look forward to the time when I can spend the holidays with a loved one. All in due time I suppose.

Confusion and feeling lost have become staples of my life right now but I've decided I'm not going to let them hold me back. I do encounter setbacks a lot more frequently than I ever want to but I can't let it hold me back or get me down. I do want to do something with my life, only I'm not quite sure what it is. I love my kiddos and I don't know what I'd do without them. But at the same time I feel as though God wants me somewhere else. Only I can't figure out where it is or how to get there. So that's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I'm actually becoming nervous because I feel as God might have plans for me as far as the other side of the world....but am I strong enough to pick up and go where He wants me to be?!?! That is the real question. Am I brave and strong enough to leave my life, both good and bad here, to go where I need to go?!?!

I'm pretty positive God has destined me to be a world traveler. He didn't put this desire to go halfway across the world for nothing. And I would LOVE to live over in Europe for a time. But am I brave enough to pick up and move and start totally anew and leave my weaknesses and family behind?!

I guess we'll see eventually when I can get my feet under me and figure out what I'm supposed to do.

All I know is I currently have a yearning and something inside me that I need to go somewhere else.....probably even out of this country.....for some amount of time. I need a COMPLETE change of scenery I feel sometimes. A breath of fresh air. And I need adventure and spontaniety and something completely different and life-changing.

Goodness, I talk bigger and dream bigger than I think I'm actually capable of accomplishing.

But with that, I'm gonna go finish my Christmas cards :) Merry Christmas!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Wow, it's totally been awhile since I've been able to sit down and express my thoughts. Life has been full of the holidays, working with my kiddos, and working for my parents.

I got hired full-time working at the preschool. YEAH! So far it's been a good thing. I get benefits and I get to work with some of the cutest little kids ever. I get to be a part of something bigger than myself that works to mold and shape little kids, special ed kids nonetheless. Right now it's what gives me purpose. Seeing the progress and working with my little Ethan and Patrick is gives my life some sort of purpose right now. It's cool to know that these kids will never remember who I am.....but I am playing a crucial part in their lives that will have lifelong effects. They both warm my heart every single day that I work. Their smiles are just immeasurable to me, truly and completely. It only affirms that working with children is what I want to do with my life. It just reaffirms that working with children is a passion of mine, a gift that God gave me, something I'm good at, and something I'm meant to do.

I'm getting more and more nervous about getting into nursing school. I need my life to be moving forward, I need something to be happening. I don't necessarily love where I'm at. I'm so very confused and lost in many ways right now, and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My brother Marshall's life is falling into place however. I will be a sister-in-law very shortly, within the next year to two years most likely. He's picking out engagement rings.....and the one he found is beautiful. I like her. I like Jenni, very much. She's beautiful, funny, talented, and so strong in her faith. She's very good for him. But I wouldn't be lying if I didn't admit that I'm partially afraid Jenni will take over a huge portion of my place in my parents hearts. Jenni is the girl my parents wish I could be......I'll never measure up to that. No matter how hard I try. My parents look at her and see an amazing woman.....and I'm pretty positive my parents look at me and see quite a bit of disappointment. But at least my parents can have a daughter they are proud of.

I'm very lost right now. I'm very lost and confused emotionally.

I feel right now like I'm floating through life. I feel like I'm not enough of a person to be loved by someone else, not deserving, and because of it I sort of live my life a tad recklessly. I have no idea what's going on in my life romantically, nor what I want to be going on in my life romantically. I don't know what my future holds in the slightest, where I'm supposed to be, what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I belong and who really likes being around me.

I'm sure everyone else picks up on this confusion and it repels others but I'm not sure how to combat it.

Oh and to add, my body decided to get bronchitis for the first time ever. I'm not a fan. My body is tired of coughing and is getting absolutely exhausted. Not to mention I'd love to have my voice back.....I sound pretty funny without my normal voice.


I have so much I want to get out right now but I also don't know exactly how to express what all I'm feeling. So alas I'll wait until I can express it in words.