Touch Someone Who

So I just spent from 7:30am to 5:oo pm at a retreat. I'm exhausted. I haven't had a shower. My stomach hurts. But it was a good day.

It was our staff development retreat.

I work as the Personnel Manager at the Info Desk/Box Office (IBOX) on campus and it's been a struggle finding a balance between continuing to be a friend to my employees and being a manager who has respect but still has to do all the write-ups/disciplining. I think I'm finally at a point where those are leveling out in a good way.

We focused on customer service today....the importance of internal and external customer service, our perceptions, etc. Customer service IS our business so that's what we decided to drive home today. And team building.

It was a lot of hard work...and some fun...but I think our staff is finally coming together, building, growing and becoming the better for it.

At the end of all of our stuff today we closed with an activity called Touch Someone Who. Everyone sits (or stands) in a circle with their eyes closed. The facilitator then chooses several people who walk around and touch the shoulder of someone who applies to the statement the facilitator reads off. It's anonymous because eyes are closed (other than those going around touching those it applies to). The statements read off were pretty profound. Who makes you laugh, who makes you smile, who you respect, who challenges you, who inspires you, who you appreciate, who you want to learn more about, who encourages you, and two others. The two I went around and touched people were who makes you laugh and who you appreciate. B, my boss, did that on purpose as I asked her not to choose things that if anyone was aware it was me, would show any partiality. As I stated before I'm in charge of disciplinary action and I don't want staff to think I take partialities and therefore someone is more prone to getting or not getting written up. Blah blah blah.

But what was really heart-touching and profound to me was the amount of touches I received. I know that there were eighteen of us playing the game. B chose four to walk around each time. Because of my job title and managing peers, there was some disconnect between the staff and I at the beginning. I was the "evil" student manager simply because I do all the disciplining, no matter where it comes from.

So to feel the many touches on my shoulder was incredible....especially for the who you consider a friend, who encourages you, who inspires you, who makes you smile, and who you respect. I got four each time. So it was really good to feel those touches. It's an easy but really uplifting and profound activity. I encourage you to try it.

It makes me realize that though I may not always know it from my staff, what I'm doing is respected and I am still considered a friend and someone who inspires and encourages my peers, but not only my peers but the peers that I strive to support in my workplace. Because that's my role: to make their jobs easier and support them to the best of my ability.

Here was my mission statement I wrote at the beginning of the school year and I know I'm not failing at it:

I strive to make this next year the most positive and individually rewarding job to the best of my abilities. I will bring a positive attitude, motivation and support to my staff. I strive to challenge them to do their best and grow form their experience working at the IBOX.

Things That Remind Me of You

Asparagus
Crosswords
California (all of it)
Dane Cook
Rob Williams
Mark Twain
Military/Marines
Nightmare Before Christmas
Valentine's Day
Dogtags
Green Day
Guitar Hero
World of Warcraft
Gatorade
Okinawa
Roadtrips
Talking about where I want to travel to
Bose
Good Luck Chuck
Snow Patrol
Jack Johnson
In N' Out
Levi's
Photography
Broncos/Rockies (I still have those first two tickets...)
Orange & Blue
Saw....all of them
Hang-man
Shadow Box Frames
Massages
Name/Initial Game
Hoover Dam
Weddings
Texting
Vonage
Golf
Ribs
Waterbeds
Hemingway
Act mouth wash
That one cologne
Forever
Hotels
Me First & the Gimme-Gimme's
Melons
La Jolla
Bodyboarding
Watermelon Smirnoff Ice
DIA and San Diego Airport
Seabags
Camelbak
Instant messaging
One way streets
Denny's
TGIF's
Queen size beds
Watches



As much as you hate remembering me, it's painful having so much remind me of you too. I haven't forgotten, but quickly I am forgetting. I'm forgetting our inside jokes. I can't even remember what they were anymore. I still remember always always. I will always remember Okinawa. I miss things. I long for a lot of what we had. Why they still pop into my head I dunno. I miss our friendship. I've gotten rid of XO necklace you got me. I deleted the pictures of the flowers you sent me. I won't forget your smile or genuinity. Nor will I forget when you sunk into the dark spot that has ahold of you right now. I remember the way you always hold your hands, in fists when you are nervous. I won't ever forget how I felt leaving Okinawa though I want to. It still makes me laugh when I think of how you tried to go through security with the knife. That first goodbye at the airport, meeting your Dad or the dozens of hugs goodbye at gates. I had that first bottle of disgusting wine we had.....White Leaf or something like that....up until a bit ago. I still have the letters and cards. I deleted the emails. I still have the pictures. I gave you back everything else. I got rid of my Marine shirts. I was pissed. I remember camping, that damn bracelet, being pissed that Vonage wasn't working. I remember that night after the funeral....and it makes me sad for many reasons. I remember being proud. I remember being hurt. I remember feeling secure. I remember the distance. I want to forget. But I can't. You were too big a part of my life to deny. To forget. I wanted to remember everything so I drank you in. I didn't want to forget you like I did my other relationships.

I can't even remember anything that included Mike, well almost anything. I remember rare occasions. I remember almost everything with you.

That first day, the park, your belt, push-ups, the gum, getting lost, going the wrong way on a one way, lunch, your house, Rockies tickets, that first kiss, cuddling, leaving, that first hug in the morning. White shirt, tan shorts, socks, looking bewildered. Brown/orange stripped shirt, same tan shorts, socks, tennis shoes, your old watch. Then camping trip, stars, setting up the tent, campfire, not sleeping, driving, that hike, stepping in mud (that's still on my shoes), back to your place. My parents finding out about you and Marshall texting me at work for a heads up. Showing that bracelet to fellow lifeguards. I remember even standing in the door talking to you on the phone.

Lightening skittles. That was one of our first jokes. Photobooths. I left a comment that said I could see us making faces then on our first date we photoboothed. I wanted to kiss you, instead stuck my finger in your nose. That first date I was wearing my dark wash jeans, army green tank, brown flip-flops, glasses. Knocking on the door. Texting you for a time the night before.

You meeting my parents. Holding your hand while they grilled me. Giving you a hug promising I'd be at the airport. Did you know I still have those first texts from that night on my old cell phone? I bet you didn't know that. I can't delete them for whatever reason nor get rid of the cellphone because they are on there.

Going to the airport early in the morning, meeting you there, standing in line to check in with you and your mom. Meeting your dad for the first time and him telling me I was goodlooking. Walking you to security. You walking with me over to the side to say goodbye and hand me the letter. Watching you walk through security and go down the escalator. Watching you until you were out of sight. Walking with your parents back to the car. Giving them hugs. Driving away crying and missing my exit. Winding up in commerce city but thankful. Driving to move to Colorado Springs that same day.

Endless nights on the phone. Waking up at 5am just to talk to you and staying up until 2am to talk to you.

Booking the flight to Okinawa. The days beforehand in the blizzard counting down. The plane rides there. Sitting next to the genius kid from LA to Osaka. Making my way through the Osaka airport knowing I'd see you in a few short hours. Green CSU sweatshirt, brown sweatpants, my slip-on Nike yoga shoes. Flying from Osaka to Okinawa at night, wishing I could see the island. The guy next to me sleeping and wishing I could. Landing. RUNNING through the airport. Looking through the doors wondering where you were. Getting my luggage. Shaking as I walked to the glass doors. Searching for you, thinking I wouldn't recognize you. You came from behind the tank. Brown jacket, blue shirt, Levi's, brown shoes, old watch. You grabbed me while I was still holding onto my luggage and lifted me up. My bag fell over. You held me there for a bit. Walking hand in hand out of the airport. Camacho driving that weird van, both of you loading my luggage. Exhausted. Holding your hand and cuddled onto your shoulder. Kissing my forehead, kissing you. Talking about the city during the day, pointing out a sushi place. Lots of lights, all new, disorienting. Driving to the gate. Pulling over to find out the place to get my whatever was closed. Driving through. Going to the hotel. Kissing, falling asleep happy.

Days spent watching The View. Sushi. The kitchen, cooking, the shower, staring in the mirror cuddling, snails, watching you walk to get a taxi every morning, staring out the window to the big dude's office. Standing at attention, fire alarms, Macaroni Grill, American Village, ferris wheel, that one night walking all over the damn place. The aquarium, holding hands, making love for the first time. Sleeping through both new years. Five Iron Frenzy. Birthday/Christmas presents. Figuring out calling cards. Mushi mushi. Cars. Lots of pictures. My cross necklace. Wearing my capris. Not being able to go anywhere the first few days. Camacho getting mad when I walked to your work. The pirahnas (spelling). POX. Grocery shopping. Subway. The tunnel we walked under by the hotel quite a few times. My brown polo. Your blue eyes. Being pissed because you fell asleep and wouldn't wake up the night before I left. Drinking three cans of Sprite. Crying in the hallway. Doing your laundry. The drive to the airport. Playing hangman sitting down by your knee with the message "Please don't make me go". You walking me to the gate. You crying. Me crying. Me almost staying. Almost not being able to walk away. Crying. Writing in my journal.

Driving with your mom to California for almost 17 hours straight. Alan Jackson and Precious Memories. Texting you when we got close. Again afraid I wouldn't recognize you. Pulling into the hotel. You walking out to where we were. Hugged mom first, me second. Picked me up. Held my hand as we walked in. Oceanside, San Luis Ray, driving because I was best at it. Seafood. La Jolla for the first time. New swim trunks and that white element shirt. God I could go on and on. Your new truck. Sea world. Padres Hoffman 500th save. Coors light. Wearing my pajama pants.

Weekend trips. Balboa park. Bri and Kenny. Bodyboarding. The airport. That one huge bed in the town that starts with T. Base housing. Seeing where you worked. Navy Federal Union. Cammis. Sand in the truck. La Jolla. In N' Out stops. Walking through miscellaneous towns. Grocery shopping. The list goes on and on. Breakfast in bed. Morgan's wedding. etc.

Times home with your family. New Years Eve and Christmas Day with my family. Grandma and Grandpa Ehrlich. Sitting in the living room. Laying with you on your dad's couch watching Letters from Iwo Jima. Holding you while you finally cried after Grandpa died on that waterbed. Promising forever, promising flesh and blood. Not knowing I'd break the promise. Betty's funeral. Your dress blues. The cemetary. Driving looking at Christmas lights. Seeing where you grew up. Home videos.

Roadtripping home. The name game. Hoover Dam. Melons. Colbie Caillat. Driving 10-and-2...so proper. Stopping when overheated in the middle of nowhere. Excited.

I think I'll stop there.

Why is this on my mind right now? I have no idea. Maybe if I can just get it out of my system the dwelling on it will stop. I dunno. I'm just trying to clear my mind, waste some time. Figure out what the hell is going on. Why am I crying? Seriously I don't know what the hell is going on right now.

I'd rather remember the first parts. The end just got so fuzzy for me. But I don't want to. It hurts. Why? I dunno. What the hell? Where am I going with this? Why am I dwelling so much on the past?

What if Krista May lived? I've wondered that a lot too. God I miss her. I miss her so much. I wish I could remember her hug, I want to see her smile. I wish I had her here to talk RIGHT NOW. I feel like if anyone could comfort me at this exact moment it'd be her. It's been six-seven years. And I feel like she just passed not too long ago. I remember feeling her presence not long after on the lifeguard stand. I want to feel it now. I feel kinda all alone right now. Why? I dunno.

Man I am all over the place. I guess sometimes we just need to dwell on the past, we need to cry, we need to be emotional. We need to remember. We need to question what if. We need to recognize we don't know why we're feeling one way but recognizing we are feeling a certain way.

Wow I really started pouring out didn't I?! I didn't realize this was so long until I just tried to scroll up. 2 1/2 years though is hard to summarize. I remember our first times talking. First times talking on the phone, before we met. I still have a few conversations. Funny huh? I have all the photos, letters, and cards from then until now. No more emails or other posessions but I still have those. I can't let them go yet. I'm not ready.

Things that remind me of you. There's apparently a lot when I start to think about it.

What IS Social Justice?

A couple of weeks ago I went to the social justice retreat that was coordinated through the SLiCE office here at CSU. I had no idea what to expect going into it. Social justice was never something that was ever even a thought in my brain. Diversity, as it's been beaten to death, was never even such a huge "deal" to me before I came to CSU. And by deal I mean I merely treat everyone as equals and race, gender, sex, age, SES, etc have never been things that I oppress others for or even take into account. I see humans, I see people....I don't see the labels.


While at my time here at CSU several people have come into my life who have a passion for social justice. One being my bisexual black boss that's a woman, Bethel. The other being my roommate Britt. I know inequality exists in some areas but at the same time, don't I fight those inequalities by not perpetuating the system?

Anywho, I went to Estes for 2 1/2 days of intensive social justice discussions and activities. While I was there, I first had to conquer the task of labeling myself. I mean it's hard because I don't ever define or label myself. When it comes to my personality, I'm a plethora of opposites...you just have to see what my mood is that day. When it comes to my looks, appearance, etc I once again just think of myself as human other than the occasional quirk....like as a woman, you need to feel at a certain comfort level to walk alone and yes I do have to have men open jars for me. Whatever, I don't think that much of it. My circumstances are my circumstances and that is reality to me, I don't dwell on it.

Then came the task of labeling others which is hard. A) I don't ever do it and B) as a white person I've been told I'm racist my whole life if I label ANY person with ANY attribute....so I don't. But I had to. I then had to identify where I fall in all of these categories....in regards to "privilege" and "oppression". This actually pissed me off though.....because these labels and identifying privilege and oppression was in turn instigating stereotypes....which INFURIATED ME and I was surprised that it doesn't infuriate those who are fervently for social justice. Isn't the point equality for all.....not perpetuating stereotypes?! I didn't get that. But I also found that though I'm told as having certain characteristics should make me more privileged or oppressed, I found that I didn't agree with many of these attributes.

A few examples:
1. Even as a victim of sexual violence, I do not view that attack as an oppression. In fact it was empowerment to me. It sucked. And yes I realize the institutions in place may be in the favor of men (well as I'm told anyway) but this guy didn't attack me because he was a man and I was a woman....what was in him was evil. Pure and simple. For the number of women he has attacked, there's no sex attached to it, it's pure evil.

2. I grew up in the working class. My parents first years together including years after my birth were made up of three jobs a piece and little extra income, if there ever was any. They started their own business and we moved up to the next tier (I don't know the right class term) but here we are back at square one, barely getting by. I consider myself working class. Though I did get the opportunity to go to college, it has been paid for almost on my own. I work my way through my life. I don't identify my existance as based upon where my income or my parents income limits me. It is what it is and I make do. But I work for what I have.

3. As a white person, I'm supposed to be considered an agent of racial injustice. How does that work if being white has worked against me my whole life?! Politically correct if the first thing that ever has to be a consideration when opening my mouth in fear of being told I'm discriminatory for not using the right world. I grew up believing monolinguil meant you only spoke Spanish (not one language....just Spanish). I've been called every "racial slur" against white people known to man. I've had teachers purposefully try to ruin my grades by losing work or the like because I was the white girl. How am I the agent?

Along those same lines....based on my time in Estes.....I would now classify myself as bi-racial. I am white. I am very proud of my Irish and Czechloslovakian roots. However, I'm also Native American Cherokee and I am very proud of that too!! Apparently this means I'm bi-racial though I've never thought of either one as a race, rather a heritage. My race is human.



Anywho, I don't know how I feel about all of this. It angered me during a few activities when the men were honestly wanting to know some feelings of the women about being a woman and how a certain activity made them feel and then the facilitators jumped down their throats saying that it's because of their "privilege" that they can even ask that question, that women don't have the same privilege. Fuck that. If I want to ask a question to anyone as a woman I will, my voice is and will be heard when it needs to be. It has nothing to do with race or gender. And how are you supposed to know how a "target" group feels if you can't ask them questions?! Honestly, isn't understanding where those you are oppressing' come from, isn't that part of the getting-to-know, learning, and healing process?!

I just really don't like being labeled. I don't like having to be politically correct when I have no idea what each individual "desires". Seriously...there's Spanish, Mexican, Latino, Chicano(a), Hispanic....Black, African-American.....Homosexual, Gay, Lesbian, Queer, Bisexual....how am I supposed to know what an individual wants to be called?! If I say the wrong thing I'm being discriminatory according to those who are social justice advocates.

It was a good learning opportunity but just angered me that they are trying to fight inequality with inequality. They are perpetuating the system, by being so nitpicking and detailed, not being as open and receptive as I feel they should be. They use labels and stereotypes to fight labels and stereotypes. They are humiliated and proud for the same things. I just don't understand it.

To me there is one race, the human race. There is one color, the color of the person's soul. SES, age, gender, sexual orientation don't matter to me!! There are of course generalities among populations. I'm white, I can't dance, it's a fact. There is a reason behind the madness, you don't need to get offended over it.

Treat everyone with love, respect and decency. Recognize them for their beautiful wonderful qualities, embrace their flaws, and love them where they are at. Treat them all as you would treat yourself. Isn't that what equality and social justice is all about?!

New Do

I got a new hair cut last night :) It's shorter, a little sassier but still something I can work with which of course is a good thing for people like me who are beautifically-challenged. Yes I just made up that word and word combination. I do it a lot.



I plan to put some purple in it in about a month or so. I think it will make it even sassier but I want it to look natural. Meghan, my girl, does a great job and really puts her own flare on it which I absolutely love!

I have realized that right now in my life, I am completely content being single. I have had a handful of pursuees, most of them really creepy and not even close to being my type. But one thing I've noticed is my lack of time and enthusiasm for dating right now. If Vrbas ever hits me up, I would love to hang out with him again but I am in no means ready to date yet. I feel like my life is nothing but complete and pure chaos. And I will admit, I still do miss Scott. He was my best friend and lover for two years and I have realized I can't just move on so fast. It takes time and easing into situations.

I'm over the whole dating thing already. Creepers central. I went out on a double date with Britt and the guy that was my date was really nice but I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's my height (I totally dig taller guys) and he smokes. EVERYONE in my life knows that smoking comes in right behind sexual harassment....I WILL NOT date a smoker. Ick. Gross. Gag. Vomit. Just won't do it.

I admire people who stand up for what they believe in, even if I don't necessarily believe the same things. Case in point, Britt is working on being authentic in walking her talk.....especially when it comes to social justice. I personally am not a huge proponent of social justice. The social justice retreat was a great experience but I just don't take things to the level that a lot of people there do. However, go her for taking on something she so full-heartedly believes in and following through with it. I admire her for that. It's hard especially to stand up against one's peers for something that isn't completely the norm or takes standing upon an ideal that few or none support.

Shelly and I have been doing pretty good at working out. We went swimming yesterday and worked out doing machines the day before that. My arms are KILLING me but it feels good. I LOVE the burn right now. I just hope that I get into shape. I need to bring my mountain bike down so I can ride my bike to school on days that are nice enough....my roadbike might be a little dangerous with the amount of snow and ice on the sidewalks. But walking ten minutes to and from class is always a good thing that can get one in shape QUICK.

Hmmm.....well I have so much going on in my head I can't keep it straight. I have class in 20 mins....current world problems, interesting class with an interesting professor. Hmph.

From Flip-Flops to Boots

HOLY MOTHER!!!

It is FREEZING outside....not as in I'm a whimp....as in it's really below freezing outside. I think today is warmer than yesterday. It's 12-degrees Fahrenheit instead of 9-degrees Fahrenheit like yesterday. But still....for those who don't know....freezing is 32-degrees Fahrenheit.

Thank you Scott...if you ever read this. For my boots. We got 6 inches of snow in Colorado this weekend and these boots have literally saved my life. Not only is it ten times easier to walk to class but the back of my pants stay dry. And my feet stay nice and warm :) I just need to invest in more pairs of long socks now.

All of this after walking around in a t-shirt and flip-flops the beginning of last week. What the hay?!

I think I'm officially crazy. I'm into the second week of classes and I'm taking 17 credit hours. It's already completely hit me how busy I am. I go from about 8am to 5pm every day straight with both work and school. Not to mention staff meetings taking up all of my Tuesday evening and APhiO meetings on Sunday evenings. And computer open lab on thursday evenings to do my assignments for my business computing class. Agh, I'm already tired of school. Last semester. YEAH!

I'm getting anxious. Next week I start applying for nursing school and it's nerve-wracking to say the least. I also need to start planning on where to live, where to apply for a job for summer. I need to get family stuff squared away. Man oh man there's just WAY too much to do!!!

On a lighter night.....I'm taking the advice of Lady Gaga: "Just dance, gonna be ok, dada-doot-doot, just dance, spin that record babe!" hahahaha I'm dancin my way through these weeks and trying to have some fun.

We might be having a girls night tonight!!! And for sure are having a game night on friday night!! Hells yeah :)

Ooooooh.................You set my soul alight
Glaciers melting in the dead of night
And the superstars sucked into the supermassive
[The Muse: Supermassive Black Hole]

A few things I miss at the moment:
Grams
Bear hugs
Passionate kisses
Not having dry hands
Flip-flops
the beach
Memories
carefree days
Sleeping in
my ass fitting into my jeans without doing lunges to stretch said jeans

Anywho, I need to get to working on some homework while I'm at work. I'm jettin.

Spastic thoughts

Wow!!

I went for quite a long time without updating....there is a reason behind the madness however. My computer has crashed :( and the wireless we were mooching off of at home is no longer available :( and work has been so busy that I don't have much time to let out my thoughts and once I do get around to writing them down here I forget what it was I was wanting to get out!!

I have decided to invest one whole journal to nothing but my "TO DO" lists. I have found that I make these lists a lot just so I remember but they usually end up in the back of books on random scraps of paper, on miscellaneous rushed "notes" on my crackberry, and the like and I forget them. So I now carry around a journal that I can refer to and write in whenever I remember or have something I need to do. It's overwhelming but so far it's working!!

The new semester started and I'm overwhelmed. Last semester for this degree!! Woohoo and blah all at once. I'm taking four 400-level classes, one 300-level class and two 100-level classes. Needless to say between the great number of 400-level classes and an overall total of 17 credits I'll be a tad busy!!

The names of my INCREDIBLE classes:

Integrative Nutrition and Metabolism
Nutrition Assessment
Nutrition Teaching and Counseling Techniques
Group Study regarding Nutrition and Chronic Disease
Current World Problems
Senior Seminar in Dietetics and Nutrition
Business Computing Concepts and Applications

Yeah I'm the ONLY senior in my current world problems and business computing classes....wonderful!

I went to the Campus Step-Up: A Social Justice and Diversity Retreat last week before school started. It was definitely something. It really makes me ponder a lot of the injustices that do occur that I don't realize....but at the same time it really is something that is foreign and unwelcome to me. During that time, I was made to label not only myself but those around me and we had to identify as either more privileged or less privileged. I live my life treating everyone as equals, as humans, giving everyone the same chance. To be labeled myself was hard. I then had to take "ownership" of the stereotypes of privilege that I have. But at the same time I don't identify with a lot of those stereotypes. I also don't identify with the social injustices of stereotypes of more oppressed groups that I "belong" to. Such as I'm a woman. Apparently women are oppressed. I don't have those same feelings. Maybe it's because I make myself heard and make myself be treated as an equal but I feel being a woman has a lot of empowerment. I don't want to be treated as an equal to men....I want to be loved and adored for being a female. The only instance I draw the line is sexual harassment and abuse....as is very prevalent towards women, more so than men.

Anywho, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around my thoughts on all of that. When I do I will write more about it.

Shel and I have started working out together. I very much am enjoying it!! I have gained a little weight and am a little insecure as this is the heaviest I've been in three years. But I'm eating healthier and I feel that if Shel and I keep up what we've been doing and I keep riding my bike that I will start seeing results soon.

I just want to feel healthier right now though. I've noticed I have been quite sluggish lately and it has me concerned. I'm not sure if it's because of the weight gain or the unhealthy eating habits or a combination of both. I know I'm by no means large, I'm actually still small. Just a few more pounds than I'm used to and I think it's even more upsetting my metabolism than normal.

This spastic weather and pressure systems is also giving me crazy headaches....I wish it would stop already!!

Alright, I'm headed out to go give Britt a ride. More thoughts on the way when life settles down.

Book #4.....In Transit

I finished book #3 last night...Eclipse. Now I'm waiting for my roommate to finish book #4 (Breaking Dawn) so that I can read it :)

I seriously am in love with this series of books. We have all been borrowing my roommate Britt's books as she got them for Christmas but I'm going online to buy them. Definitely books that I will read more than once. Which is astonishing to say....as I've never read a book more than once. Once the mystery of the ending is done, I'm not quite interested in the book.

But this is a story you want to relive over and over again, even if you know what's going to happen. I already want to read the first book again.

Anywho, one week left of our "break" and then we start school. I use the term "break" lightly as I sit here at work writing this. We are having our management team work day today and it's gonna be a long day. The weather outside is frigid and I'd rather just stay curled up in my bed being lazy and catch up on some much needed rest. With these books keeping me up to finish reading them along with my natural insomniac state, I could benefit from sleeping in until 10am every day rather than waking at 6am to be here by 8am. Oh well.

Other than that there's not much going on at this time in my life. I'm utterly not looking forward to going back to school. This semester is going to be insane in many senses of the word. I believe I'll be taking 17 credit hours....if I decide to keep my computer class....though at this point I'm honestly considering just taking it during the summer, though I don't want anything tying me down more than needs be this summer.

I want this next summer between my transition from my first graduation to nursing school (keeping fingers crossed on this one) to be one that's relaxed and one where I can be a little more carefree. I know I can live at my aunt's house free of charge if I need to before moving to Denver. I'm thinking about next year becoming a substitute teacher to supplement my education. They make $100/day and you don't need any license. It might be interesting and it's always an option. If I just don't get into nursing school, I still plan on applying to University Hospital, Children's Hospital, St. John's Hospital, and (as back up) Platte Valley Medical Center though I dearly do not want to get stuck in Brighton again. I hate my hometown....with a passion. I don't want to go back or be there for any extended length of time ever again.

Anywho, it's off to work I go. I have a mere half hour before I start a long day full of executive decisions and being a "repsponsible" manager who actually does something!! Ha!

Late Night Love

Hmmm......well I noticed today Scott took me off his friends on myspace. I guess that's the absolute end of our ties. I'm no longer in his email addresses, I'm sure he's taken me out of his phone, and now no longer friends on facebook or myspace.

I texted him for a mutual friends' email address last week so I could actually contact that mutual friends' wife via email and I don't think Scott was too happy to hear from me. We have no means of communication. I miss his friendship but......I dunno if I want to be friends with someone who can so easily erase me from their life. I realize I cut it off but I haven't erased him from my life. I guess I expected we might still be able to be friends afterwards. He always told me we could and would be. He once told me a couple weeks back via email that he can't be friends with me until he stops seeing me as "the love of his life and who he was meant to spend his life with" and he also mentioned a few months ago that he will never see me as anything other than that. He said he can't be friends with me if I'm romantically involved with someone else or him romantically involved with someone else. So hmmm.....I guess we'll never be friends.

That's not really fair though. Would he expect me to just live life not ever being "romantically involved" with someone else?! I know to him that even meant kissing someone else. I know I obviously blew that one out of the water, with having sex with another guy and all. It makes me wonder if he has been with another girl, just for the sake of double standards. I know that to try and get over his other ex he slept with another girl to try and get over her. It makes me wonder if he's done the same thing this go-round. I don't care either way but I do wonder.

It is sort of a double standard though. Before anything even happened with Vrbas, once he found out I was even interested in another guy, he broke off communication. I know he has to be interested in another girl, of some form, that's how he is. He is always looking to fill that void in his heart. I think that's hypocritical though. Not being able to be friends.

Isn't it funny how people become vital parts of our lives for bits of time and they know everything about us and then they are just gone?! Interesting how that happens.

I guess I have no right to expect friendship after breaking up with someone but I thought our friendship was stronger than that. Why am I even worrying over this?! I don't love him. I just know that he was my best friend for so long that it has been very hard letting that go. I think that's the only reason it bothers me so much.

But I think that's something that comes from my past. It always hurts worse when people can just throw away my friendship. Probably because it's been done so many times. Ending a romantic relationship is one thing, but when you end a friendship you are basically telling that person how important they are. And that has happened to me way too many times in my past. It hurts knowing my best friend threw that friendship away so easily.

Anyway, it's time to move forward. I need to let that friendship go until he decides if he ever wants to be friends. Besides, those that love me stay in my life. And I have some very great and dear friends in my life right now.

On a happier note, Vrbas finally contacted me again today....via myspace. I haven't seen him for almost a month now!! I was actually just gonna give up on that one but he sent me a message apologizing for not taking me up on grabbing dinner last week. I know he HAS been busy....he started his EMT class last week, work has been chaotic due to the new year....and he said he has been busy with fam.

I hope we get to talk soon. I know when I messaged him at the beginning of break, we were talking and I asked him if he thought we had sexual chemistry based on the couple of times we had had sex (to him sexual chemistry is a huge part of a relationship....and I will tend to agree) and he answered no......but that it's one of those things that you have to learn what you like and what your partner likes. Which for me, I'm still a newbie to the whole sex thing, as far as experimenting and knowing what I like. So I will give him that, I'm not great at the whole sex thing. Though I KNOW I'm an absolutely great kisser. I know I've sort of struck out a little bit as family is also really important to him and everyone knows the huge family problems I've been having......unfortunately he is also painfully aware. So I asked what I wasn't striking out on....what it was he liked. He said that I was a good girl with a good head on my shoulders, that I'm cute and fun, and that he can be himself around me. That's always a good thing.

So with that, there is something about Vrbas I'm really attracted to....not just physically but something else. I can't quite tell you exactly what it is. I guess the fact that I'm comfortable being myself around him, that he has a lot of the things I've looked for in a guy. I think if he just gives me a chance, gets to know me, he will know that I'm an amazing woman.

That still sounds so egotistical but it's true!! And it's hard to not believe when I've been told that a handful of times this break alone. My aunt, my friend Alyssa, my best friend Cord, Billy (Alyssa's friend from Estes that I happened to make-out with as well as stay up talking to for five hours about everything from relationships to God), Ray the electrician, and a guy that I talk to from time-to-time at the information desk have all told me how I'm a special person and can offer the world to someone. And I'm really starting to believe it. I know that I have a lot to offer someone, not just in general, but also whoever it is I decide to fall in love with.

Love. It's amazing to me. I think all too often it's taken for granted. I think people are taken for granted. I know that I have taken others for granted, others that I have loved and cared about deeply. I look back on my life and while I have always tried very hard to not take advantage of others (learning very early on how awful that felt). But I hate when someone takes love for granted. No every should. I never took Scott's love for granted, though I did take him for granted a few times. But love is one of those things that doesn't come around often, not true romantic love anyways. It's precious and should be held onto and treated with admiration and respect.

I have no idea where I'm going with this. I'm just blabbing....I'm not ready to go to bed yet though I probably should.

This Twilight Saga just has me thinking about love lately.....my past loves, my future loves, and love in general. I've learned that my past has been crucial for where I'm at, how I view life and love, and how I will act on it in the future.

Right now I can honestly I yearn for romantic love. I am loved by my friends and family, but don't have romantic love. I by no means want to rush it or will rush it. I just yearn for it. We always yearn for what we don't have, but especially when it comes to that. But I'm very happy and content with where I'm at. I have learned to enjoy being single. It has it's drawbacks: sleeping alone (gosh I'm such a cuddler), lack of those tender kissing, no one to go to right away with news at the end of the day, that little hole in your heart that is waiting to be filled. But it has it's good points: learning to love who you are, the ability to grow as a person, no one to hold me back, no expectations, you CAN be selfish even if you aren't always, fostering friendships. And I am very content right now with all of that.

I've learned a lot what makes me happy these past few months: what really makes me laugh. At first I was really anxious and still get anxious when I have no one immediately to talk to and nothing to do. Which meant that I had to find contentment within myself with who I am and the ability to be alone. I wouldn't be working on that if I was dating someone. I would be preoccupied with them.

I've found what makes me laugh, not just laugh but really bring out those hearty laughs. My parents actually told me last week when I was there to keep it down, that when they went to bed I wasn't aloud to stay in the living room and watch tv.....simply because they knew I would be laughing....and apparently I laugh loud now. Which is very true. I've noticed my laugh comes from my gut anymore, and I enjoy laughing, and I enjoy life, so I laugh A LOT anymore. My laugh is loud, but it's sincere and genuine. And my dad couldn't deny that he didn't love hearing me laugh, even if it was at midnight because who DOESN'T enjoy hearing someone laugh heartily?! I know I do. A genuine laugh can make me laugh, no matter if I know what's going on or not.

In other news, Shelly and I took down the Christmas decorations today and cleaned our entire apartment. Rearranged the furniture. And it felt great!!! We spent all day yesterday reading our Twilight books together, we spent today together. We ran errands, cooked, talked, sang. She is a great roommate. Someone who doesn't judge me. She's a great friend. She makes me laugh. She is one of those friends, who God love her, isn't afraid to actually ask me to be a friend. She isn't afraid to ask me for rides to/from school or work, to ask me to turn the heat on in her room and who asks if I want some of the dinner she's cooking. We will text and ask what we're making for dinner, make plans together, and ask favors of each other. I love it!!! It makes me feel good when I have friends who are comfortable enough to ask for favors from me....it shows a lot to me. Also friends who aren't afraid to just walk in my house and open my cupboards. I LOVE that!! hahaha

Anywho, I would love to keep writing BUT I really do need to get to bed as I have to work all day tomorrow. Vale! (Good night in latin)

Book #3

I'm on book #3.....Eclipse. I'm loving this :)

I basically haven't done anything with my life for the past couple days other than drink in book #2 and #3. I have to wait for book #4 once I'm done as my roommate Shel is halfway done with it. I expect to be done with book #3 by tonight. I'm ridic. Officially.

Alyssa and I went out last night. Got some ice cream and then went to Stakeout for drinks. It actually made me sick. I woke up not feeling so great with only one drink last night. Ick. So no snowboarding for me today. It's a good thing I need to just relax and catch up on rest. Be lazy.

We're going to watch Bride Wars tonight. A whole group of us. Girls night out!!

Alright, this is ridic. Found this pic that I thought was great. Hahaha. I'm ridic.

The Line Between Reality and Fantasy

One thing I love about a great book.....it becomes my reality. One thing I hate about a great book....I have to return to my reality after the thrill of living a wonderful story.

I started the second book of the Twilight Saga today....New Moon. It's depressing. I feel as though I've been crushed like Bella has in the book. It's amazing how much a book can become me for the time I live in its realm.

Tonight I'm going to go watch the movie. After finishing the first book and having a concept of the characters in my head, I want to see it on film, see someone else's interpretation. I know it's not going to be as absolutely spectacular as it is in my head, but I can still live it again. The plot line I know will vary from the book, won't include what I'm reading now and will read in the third and fourth books.

This is one series I don't want to end. I want to live the love story right now. I'm on it's high, following its intense and raw journey.

Here's what keeps me reading like a fiend: does Bella become a vampire?! Don't answer this question if you know. It's what keeps me reading. I want to know if they spend eternity together. I want to know if their love is going to soar into infinity.

The intensity of the emotions is drawing me wild. The author is writing as intensely as I feel, for once a writer whose intensity matches the intensity of my own emotions, how wild they can be, how you can't fight them.

I've been obsessed with Paramore's song Decode for the moment and I relate to a few lines.

1. "My thoughts you can't decode...."
2. "There is something I see in you, It might kill me I want it to be true."

Anyway, I'm off to the theater to let my mind revel in it's current reality.....a fantasy love that my heart is wildly living through at this moment in time.

Adventures!

Oh wow, so the last couple days have been kind of crazy!!!

Alyssa, David, Alyssa's friend Billy and I all headed up to Estes....where sadly snowshoeing did not happen. The first day left us with very little light and the second day was far too windy to hit the trails. Not to mention, after a drunken night filled with whiskey, my broken toe, and David's massacred foot (from falling on the ice getting out of the hot tub), it wasn't going to happen.

But we did have a lot of fun, hanging out, getting to know each other, working on puzzles, playing Yahtzee, whiskey beer and yegger (spelling), a night full of LONG conversations, the time in Estes was well worth it. Not to mention the ABSOLUTE beauty of God's creations. The drive to/from Estes was unreal to describe, breathtaking. You'd think I'd get used to it after living in Colorado my whole life and having the majestic Rocky Mountains in my back yard but it never gets old.

When I went up there, the calming effect nature has still gets me. Nothing can calm my nerves like being up in the mountains enjoying the scenery. And the serenity of it all is inspiring. It's hard to not believe in a God when you star at such a blue sky against such majestic mountains with a serene river running through it and all the cares in the world gone!

Here are a few photos from my drive....

Along with all that adventure, my roommate literally trapped me in my room and made me open the first page and start reading.....I'm addicted. I read the whole first book yesterday. Can you guess what series I'm talking about?!?!?!

You guessed it, I'm officially addicted to the Twilight Series :) I'm in love with Edward. I finished Twilight at 3:00am this morning and am getting ready to start New Moon today. I hope to be finished by tomorrow mid-day so I can start the third book!

So though I would love to share more about my adventures, I have a date, a date with my book and my imagination.....and I don't want to be late ;)

Headed Out

I'm going snowshoeing today!! Headed down to Estes here in about an hour and we're gonna have a blast :) I'll post pics when I get back tomorrow from my fun little trip!! For now here's a few pics of my brothers from this past week. I snapped them while we were all super bored outside.

This one just happened to get snapped of me while I was dinking around on my piano :)

A Trip Down the Lane 4

I was going through some of my photos and I realized how much I truly miss swimming, how good it felt to be a part of a winning team, and how much pride I took in a sport that though it goes unrecognized is one of the toughest physically and mentally. Not to mention the dedication I had to the sport.

My main stroke was breastroke...100 yd breastroke. I also swam the 200 IM, 200 Free, 400 yd free relay, 200 free relay, and the breastroke leg of the 200 medley relay. Representin Lane 4....the original breastroke lane.

A lot of the pics I have are ones I took during various meets. Not many pictures or memorabilia exist from my swimming days other than my letters, my scrapbook of newspaper articles, and my own personal photos of others. Here are some pics.....a trip down my memory lane. A trip down something that keeps a special place in my heart.

I miss this view. Taken by Me.

Seniors of 05

Bestie Crystal and I before team photos.

One of the few pics of me....getting in the zone before 100 yd breastroke.

Crystal at State. Taken by Me.

Cheering her on as she comes into the blocks. Taken by Me.

Senior Year photo

A kickass photo of Nikki diving. Taken by Me.

Me. Crystal. Rebekah. Janet. Magen. Seniors 05. We own you.

!League Relay Champs 02, 03, 04, 05. League Champs 03, 04, 05! Taken by Me.

If Today Was Your Last Day

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned

Leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day,

If tomorrow was too late,

To say goodbye to yesterday..

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the price is always worth the fight

Every second counts cause there's no second try

So live it like you're never living twice

Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day,

If tomorrow was too late,

To say goodbye to yesterday..

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

And would you call old friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one your dreaming of,

Swear up and down to God above,

That you'll finally fall in love?

If today was your last day

If today was your last day,

Would you make your mark?

On mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late,

To shoot for the stars,

Regardless of who you are.

So do whatever it takes,

Cause you can't rewind,

A moment in this life.

Let nothing stand in your way,

Cause the hands of time

Are never on your side

If today was your last day,

If tomorrow was too late,

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you have?

And would you call old friends you never see..

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one your dreaming of,

Swear up and down to God above,

That you'll finally fall in love?

If today was your last day

[If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback]

I don't want this entry to be taken as negative. No one outside of my family or sometimes even within my family can understand the depths of what is going on. But right now I'm hitting a wall.

My family is literally falling apart. The feuding and tension is at a point that there will be no moving forward until certain individuals learn how to move forward in a different manner...aka my parents. And there's really nothing I can do. They need to learn themselves.

My parents and I have always had a weird relationship. They are my parents, I love them, and they can be my best friends. But at the same time they have never really known ME, the me that's on the inside. They have never taken the time to get to know me as a person, rather than just know me as their daughter. They have hurt me and said unforgiveable things....but I forgive because they are family. I try to forget because all it does is perpetuate the pain.

Now the fighting is getting to a standstill. My parents won't talk to my aunt/uncle. They in all actuality need to apologize for hurtful words. They need to realize that they can't lash out at people that way. They need to learn to say when things are wrong.

I think a lot of the tension is brought on by financial troubles. I know my parents are under SO much stress and have been for a couple years in that area. They have more than laid the burden of those problems on my shoulders. I personally think if the troubles are so bad, that changes should be made. Christmas should not have included gifts this year, time should be spent doing free activities, eating out should come to a standstill, and energy of all manners should be conserved. I've done it and still do it myself. However, financial strains are no reason to ever feel that you can't live your life! You can, it's possible, I do it all the time!! Financial strains are also never a reason to ever tell your daughter that decisions should be based on money, not on what's best for them spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc as I was told.

I have decided to not engage in any sort of debatical conversation with my parents. How can I when the two people who are supposed to do what's best for your body, mind, and soul think decisions should be based on money. If I lived my life on their decisions, I would not be happy, I would not be who I am, I would not be me.

I've come to realize that who I am is not good enough for my parents. I'm not living up to and never have lived up to some twisted ideal of who they think I should be. I don't think I ever will. The part that hurts the worst is my parents never have and won't get to know ME.....though now they should more than ever. In conversations with my aunt, I have confessed that I have become very happy with who I am, that for once I am comfortable and confidant in my own skin. Am I perfect? No. Am I free of sin? No. Will I always make the right choice? No. But I am a beautiful, responsible, smart, intelligent, loving, caring woman of God.

I have stopped going to my home church, the church my parents go to, because I honestly don't feel comfortable there. I feel judged. I feel that if I don't fit into a mold, or am at my walk with God at a place that is not where they think I should be, that I'm not good enough.

My parents have shown that same reflection upon me. They have made remarks that I am slipping away, that I don't have real faith, that my relationship with God is basically not good enough. When I happened to mention about two months ago that I hadn't been to church in three weeks due to a certain set of circumstances, they tried to lay a guilt trip on me that I will have to "confess my sins before God on judgment day" and I will have to answer as to why I wasn't in church. First I don't think that you have to go to church to have a relationship and communion with God. I used to love church, before I started to feel as though I was judged at that church. I love spending time with my God, whether it be in worship or hearing a sermon that my God feels I need to hear. However, I don't think the only place that needs to happen is church. That can happen in the middle of a barren field at lunch time on Wednesday if needs be. It can be any hour of any day in any circumstance. It's my time with God. My mom keeps mentioning that my brothers and I don't have faith. That is such a hurtful judgment of my relationship with God, it's actually undescribable to tell how it makes me feel. Everyone's faith is different.

I have faith; I have faith in my God, and in His plan for my life. It's the centerpoint of my life! Yes I'm not living my life how my parents think I should (aka I wouldn't drink at all, I wouldn't be dating or hanging out with guys, I would have stayed at UCCS and already graduated despite the fact I wasn't happy, I would be a virgin, I would be by their side at church every Sunday, I wouldn't question a word they said, I would follow every command of theirs, I would be like the Cavanaugh kids, etc.). But no matter what they think, God is the center of my life, the reason for my life, and my Saviour. Nothing will ever take that away from me. All of my decisions, I take to God, I talk with Him, I consult, I pray. Right now yes I am not involved with a particular church. I love Summitview but don't have the time to be in a disciple team, but I also won't be here very much longer so why get connected when I'm moving in a few months. I'm currently working my way through school and getting ready to graduate all the while trying to figure out the next couple years of my life, all of which gets in my way of having a set church home. All of this my parents don't care to know or understand. They don't even ask, they just assume. Assume that my relationship with God is not important to me.

My mom handed this verse to me today and I actually take offense at it's meaning indicated towards me. "The seed that fell among the rock are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing, they fall away." [Luke 8:13] For my mom to think that I don't have faith and have fallen away is remarkable to me. Just because my life isn't what she thinks it should be is not a reason to judge where I'm at in my life and my relationship with God.

They are so quick to tell me how I should be living but don't reflect upon themselves, upon their own actions and their own words. I am being judged by my own parents. And it hurts. I don't know how to handle this.

I can't have a conversation with them. I am wrong, they are right. That's how they see it. No matter what. And if I have a different viewpoint or opinion, I am not "honoring" my mother and father as the bible commands me. My mom even told me that I will always be wrong because they have "more experience" in life. So what?! It's not the experience of my generation, my trials/tribulations, my joys, etc.

Right now, I am on the verge of giving up. I haven't but I'm close. The only thing keeping me from giving up is the faith that God is working in their lives and their hearts to make amends in our family possible. It's possible from my end. But I don't feel that it's mine and my brothers responsibilities to meet them 100% of the way and them 0% of the way, that's not how these work. We all need to meet in the middle, have forgiveness, have understanding, and compromise.

My parents have a lot of lessons that need to be learned. They need to learn to have faith; I don't think they really have faith that God is taking care of them. To them, being taken care of is no financial worries and keeping their life as they know it. I learned last year that God is providing no matter what. I still know that. I don't have much money, many posessions. I am on one hand spoiled but in terms of most college students, I'm very much the opposite. But you know what, God is providing. I have enough money each month to pay my bills, to buy food (though it's not what I know is most healthy for my body a lot of times as healthy food is more expensive), enough for gas, and enough to live. There is some above and beyond but not excessive but I have food, shelter, water, family, friends, and good health. I am taken care of!!! And blessed. My parents need to learn humility. They believe they are always right and can't admit being wrong. They don't even know how to ask for help or recognize that they need help. I think God is greatly trying to teach them this lesson. I also think God is trying to teach them compromise and openness. If there is one thing, my mom is not open to anything. I can't explain this, more than saying her ways and her thoughts are her truth and nothing will ever change that. To her I am an alcoholic because I enjoy going out with friends to have a drink. I got called an alcoholic on Christmas Eve when I had a rum and coke that lasted me all night. I got called an alcoholic when I told her on New Years I had a glass of wine at home to toast the new year and celebrate. I get told I have no faith when I don't go to church. I get told I'm a bad daughter when I make a decision she feels is wrong. I get looked at with disgrace when I mention I love hugging and kissing. She is judgmental and is not open to others.

My parents don't know who I am and what they think they know they dislike. They believe I have no faith, no relationship with God. I am a disgrace.

My parents don't know what my favorite color is, what my passions are in life, what my goals are for the future. They don't take the time to ask me what I enjoy in my hours off of school, they don't take the time to sit down with me and have a discussion about diversity or traveling or what makes life so beautiful. They don't take the time to understand that I am a loving and optimistic person. They don't know how much I love others, love life, how wonderful my laugh is to hear because it's genuine. They don't know what sorts of songs move me to my core and what songs I blast on the stereo because it simply has a great beat. They don't know how much I adore hugging everyone because I'm a creature who adores touch. They don't know that I love kissing because I think it's the most passionate thing you can do with another person. They don't know that despite how much I talk about kissing that I've only kissed six people in my entire life. They don't know my insecurities other than the obvious "no boobs". They don't know that I spend every morning in the shower talking to God. They don't know that every night I ask for forgiveness for my sins and blessings on my family. They don't know that I continually pray for strength for them. They don't know that I secretly would love to write a book and photograph my entire life. They don't know how much it hurts for me to look through our pictures albums and to realize that only a few pictures of me exist from high school forward and those that do are usually due to my insistence they be taken. The funny thing is that any person in my life at this moment would know all of this in just a few short times of talking with me and most people do know these things. My parents just don't know because they don't care, they don't take the time to care or try to get to know me.

Just yesterday I put together four photo frame collages I found in the storage closet of our family. No thanks, no admiration. Rather just another frame on the wall. Those pictures are my family!!! My history!!! My pictures mean the world to me. Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore my family and my pictures and the two together!!! Just look at my room. And to have them blown off, my whole afternoon of work blown off, my history as a person blown off, hurt me so bad. Also in the storage closet, I found small meaningful gifts I had given my parents over the years shoved in boxes, out of view. The jewelry box I gave my mom because of the meaningful verse on it was haphazardly thrown in a box. Photo frames I had put together shoved to the side. All of it, just forgotten. But history sits in my room. My mom's jewelry box from high school, my mom's ring from her childhood I wear all the time, historic photos of family, the cards they have given me over the years, my greatgrandmother's sitting stool, etc.

I feel like my parents just throw me continually to the side, haphazardly. And I don't know how to deal anymore. I'm told I'm constantly hurting them by just being me. But they have hurt me my whole life, by telling me that who I am is not good enough, that who I am is a failure, and not caring enough to get to know who I am. And that's only the beginning of the hurt they have caused. We aren't even getting into the conversations I've been told I was a mistake, a burden.

If my parents would get to know me, get to know the Nicole on the inside, they might understand. Understand my decisions and understand that they didn't fail in me, that they succeeded. That they raised an incredible woman, a woman of faith and strength, of humility and character, one who isn't afraid to take risks and have fun, who laughs, who takes life by the hands and embraces each day's gifts, who makes good decisions, who is fun to be around, who can be a great friend, who makes mistakes, who is lovable, who is smart, who is Godly. But they don't know, and I don't think they ever will.

That makes me sad.

I think I've rambled enough.....I'm starting to go on tangents and am getting a little worked up in my heart. I need to go calm myself down. Need to go talk to God who knows me and loves me, who made me into the incredible woman I am. I may not be perfect, but He created me how I am for a reason. A beautiful reason that is still unknown but there is a reason to me being who I am, even in this moment.

2008 looking forward to 2009

Well here is today.....1/1/09. I'm looking back at the last year and it's been a whirlwind of activity.

January....started off the New Year with family and Scott, started a hell semester of living with my ex roommates, worked all break at the info desk getting close to an electrician named Ray and a financial lady named Robin.

February....spent the first half of the month adjusting to classes, spent Valentine's day alone before flying for a weekend with Scott in which I honestly can't remember what happened (that seems to be a theme with my life right now), worked and had to dump a trash can in the middle of the kitchen being "that crazy girl" due to my psychotic judgmental roommates.

March....celebrated St. Patrick's Day being proud of being Irish, spent spring break in Cali with Scott where I burnt the crap out of my legs on the beach (lobster legs) and we went to Balboa park (one of my favs), came back to school where I really didn't want to be.

April....just basically worked and went to school....not too much excitement. Got cussed out by family for being late to my dad's birthday, celebrated Reece's 12th birthday, dealt with more annoying roommate issues, started looking for a place to move into at the end of July.

May....finished up the semester with a pretty decent GPA (overall GPA of 3.74), became overjoyed at the prospect of Scott coming home and my roommates not being at home very much, signed a lease to move in with Britt and Shel in August, spent more time in Cali during weekends, started a "new" job being bumped up to Personnel Manager at the IBOX.

June....worked, started summer school with Alyssa and Jen in which we bonded over Biochem and Algebra (ick), spent a couple weekends in Cali, spent lots of time riding my bike.

July....roadtripped home with Scott stopping at the Hoover Dam and other various things, moved him back into his mom's house, continued with boring summer school (at this point starting to utterly bomb Biochem), moved out at the end of the month!!!, and worked.

August....turned the big 2-1 celebrating by studying all night for an algebra final with Jenn but greeted with a card from Alyssa, celebrated a week later with my fam, got an A in algebra and a C in Biochem (effectively bringing down my GPA drastically to 3.59), moved into my new place cleaning the carpets and being bored out of my mind until Britt and Shel moved in later, started this semester. Glad to be out of a place with psychotic roommates. Trained new employees.

September....work, school, Tinks got out and we got her out of a tree, Tinks ran away again, broke up with Scott, had a cool masquerade ball, got the most tipsy I've ever been, made great friends with Kell bell, hired and trained more employees, started to really love scarves, wore out my flip-flops.

October....basked in the warm weather, had an interesting month being single and lonely but still not knowing what I felt for Scott, rekindled our friendship, became closer with Britt and Shel, stopped riding my bike to school when it started to get really close to cold weather. Finally celebrated my birthday by going out on the town with friends.

November....Scott and I were still friends, hanging out a lot, went to an opera together, cuddled. School and work like usual. Started becoming a little more wild. Ruined Thanksgiving when I announced living plans for the summer and started a nice family fued that's still going on. Met a guy named Vrbas. Got drunk for the first time, bought a killer dress.

December....Scott no longer talks to me or wants to be friends. Stayed the night over at Vrbas' place several times, discovered sex is one of my newest favorite topics. Discovered I love whiskey, don't like going to my home church, slept with Vrbas (still not sure what's going on with him), made two new great friends that I'm looking forward to knowing, took finals that kicked my ass, laughed tons with Alyssa, went to the Nutcracker Ballet, spent a weird Christmas still in the midst of family feuding, work.

Basically in November and December I started the journey of really discovering myself and leaving inhibitions to the wind. I've gotten drunk, had sex (with one guy), figured out lots about myself, have realized my family drives me nuts, started family troubles that are retarded and gay and I'm tired of having, have disappointed several people, have made some great friends, have had memorable nights laughing with friends, have gone on some spontaneous adventures, etc.

Looking forward to 2009 I want to have fun, I want to enjoy the small things in life, I want to eliminate the drama, I want to make great friendships, foster old friendships, and get rid of people who don't need to be there. I want to go on more adventures and be more spontaneous. I want to get better grades, I want to grow closer to my God, I want to spend more time laughing/hugging/kissing/smiling than fighting. I want to get into nursing school or at least get a job at a hospital. I want to get out from all financial ties from my parents (ie my phone bill). I want my family to learn to just get along and stop holding grudges and getting mad over stupid bullshit (probably won't happen but I can wish).

I WILL stand up for myself more towards my parents, will be respected as a young adult who likes to have fun but is still responsible. I will travel more, love more, worry less. I will spend money more wisely, take advantage of more opportunities and laugh every day.

2009 is going to be a great year.......hahaha as Ashley said (and you can take this in any context you wish) it's the year of my "O"....it's time :)

I learned A LOT and grew A LOT in 2008 but good riddance to 2008 and all it's problems/drama. Hello to 2009 and new opportunities!!!