Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Unordinary Day

Well today quickly turned from ordinary to unordinary. Scott I found wasn't taking things too well. He says he can't live without me. I know he can. But I know he doesn't want to. But I can't continue in a relationship in which I'm unhappy, and I think tonight he finally understood that.

He showed up at my place to talk to me. He brought me roses and talked to me, telling me he was sorry and he could change. Yes he could. But I don't want him to. And I know I wouldn't be as happy as I could be with him. I let him know that. I'm not mean, I'm not heartless, but I know what is good for me. And I think he caught on, though I know he doesn't like my answer.

In time he will heal, in time he will feel ok again. He needs to figure out who he is. Find his own strength and peace withing. Find his own positivity in life that comes from within. He will figure out how to live his faith and he will become a stronger man. He will be all the better for his future spouse because of the pain he's going through now.

In time I will completely heal. I'm not taking things obviously as bad as him. I made the decision. It's just hard to see a friend hurting, a friend I care about, one that I wish I could fix everything but I know I can't. In time he'll find out why I did what I did.

He decided he wanted to remain friends. That he really wants me in his life. Just limited contact so he can get over me. I understand and respect that. And I support it.

Anywho, today quickly became an interesting day. One that scared me and left me feeling not so great physically. I'm drained but I think it's for the better. I think Scott has figured out it's for the best, not the best for him now, but for the best.

I can't say I've ever been through this but the whole time I was all I could think of was "God, please give me the strength" because in all honesty I didn't want to and still don't want to deal with so much drama. My stomach is hurting SO bad because of the emotions that have been going through my body. I literally feel like someone is twisting my stomach inside out. Not because I'm so upset, but because of the anxiety caused by such events. God did give me strength. I've never been able to look at someone with so much strength and tell them "no" before. And all the while I think God's passion was pouring out of me because Scott understood. He didn't take it the wrong way, it wasn't easy but it wasn't unmanageable for him. God did that and I'm so thankful for it. I'm so thankful that strength God gives you in times when you need it most but expect to have it the least.

Christ is my rock. He's getting me through. He's keeping me tough and compassionate and reminding me what is right for my life. Thank you Lord. Thank you so much.

Brian came by and said hi to me today while I was at work :)

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