Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Conflicted

The "loneliness" of being alone is semi starting to hit me. I guess I was a lot more used to talking to someone every day for over two years than I thought. It's nice but still weird to me to not have to pick up the phone every night to talk to someone.

I miss my friendship with Scott. I really do. Our friendship was a very special friendship. We clicked from day one, talked so openly and comfortably with one another. I may not be able to give him my heart and be in a relationship with him but he IS a great friend. The sad part is that I know I most likely will never have that. It's not very often that people stay friends after breaking up, at least not in my experience. It would be awkward for me too in a sense, to stay such close friends, as all of my exes literally just left from my life completely after we broke up.

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I felt like I had someone else I felt comfortable going to that knew me so well. But honestly, no one does. Even my mom, I can talk to her about just about anything, but my mom and I are not at a point in our lives where I feel that she knows me as well as she used to. I'm growing and learning and changing every day and she's not here to witness it, hear it, see it, experience it. I have several acquaintances, great friends, etc.

I guess I have just never been good at letting others be great friends to me. I just have never felt worthy of their deep close friendship I guess.

I dunno. I guess I just want someone to talk to right now. Someone who knows me and understands me.

Do you think this is God's way of saying "turn to me my beautiful one, I will listen to you and comfort you?"

I have always known I do best when I have lots of others around. I mean honestly!!! The craziness of growing up in a big family is what I loved, I don't ever want to live alone. I like the sound of others around constantly, footsteps, water running, humming, singing, computer typing, etc.

I guess I just need to be more comfortable being alone?!

1 comment:

Bri said...

This is me responding in part to the message from myspace, too, but I totally understand how you feel. The reason I stayed with my ex for so long was just that I was afraid of being alone and confronting . . . myself. My reasons for not being with him anymore were pretty much verbatim to what you wrote. I mean, who knows what you'll find when you don't have to take care of someone anymore, right? It is lonely, but I found that I allowed myself to develop some of the best friendships I ever did . . . anyway, I know I'm rambling. Sorry. But I do understand.