Friday, October 24, 2008

Numb

I'm numb. I didn't think that breaking up would be this hard. I didn't think I loved him as much as I did/do. But I promised him I wouldn't come back to him later and tell him I love him. I'll just keep that locked away inside I guess.

I don't know if he would care anyway that I'm feeling this way.

I have to move on. I have to get past this. How do I do it though?

I was just fine until Monday. Ick I have class, a test next Monday, work, and all I want to do right now is run away.

Where should I go? After I finish work today I'm thinking about ditching my last class and driving. Where to?! No idea. Just driving.

Study abroad sounds like SUCH a great idea right now.

I'm trying to escape my emotions. Only problem is they won't escape me?! Anyone with some great advice?!

I wanna talk to him. Hear his voice. Have my best friend tell me I'll be ok. I don't have that right now. In any way shape or form.

I'm wearing my glasses today. My eyes are SO red and inflamed from pulling an all-nighter last night. Only problem is my eye lashes are so long my mascara is running all over them and the constant flow of tears keeps collecting on my frames.

The girl sitting across the computer from me keeps staring at me and wondering why I'm crying. Why am I crying?! I broke up with him.

He thinks that I've filled my heart with another guy already.

Oh shiit, my mascara is effectively all over the left side of my face. Quick bathroom run.

Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why is this so hard?! Why am I so vulnerable?! Why do I care so much?! Why do I still have these deep emotions towards him?!

WHY DOES IT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SUCH CRAP THAT HE DELETED ME OUT OF HIS LIFE AND DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME?! I did this to him. Remember that Nicole. Remember that.

I was reading diary entries from years back, years and years back, up until now. I never realized how dark and depressing they were. This one reminds me of them. But still, I can't help it. I have no one else to turn to. I just need someone to tell me I'll be ok. Right now I can't convince myself of it. I hurt too damn bad. Friends are usually the ones to help get you through this.

Ok I'm out, my mascara is effectively making me look like a raccoon and I have to blow my nose in the worst possible way.


Hahahaha I just reread my post and how pathetic I sound. Oh Lord.

2 comments:

Bri said...

*****HUG!!*******

I know you hate the phone, but call me sometime if you feel like it . . .760-468-5359

A Lady Called Amy said...

Since you just read Captivating... God wants to be your best friend, He knows you inside and out, He knows you better than anyone, even yourself, and He will never delete you out of His life. He only wants to be there for you, and to give you everything you've ever needed. You just need to trust him, and give him control. It is so very much easier to say than to do, but I've had moments of giving Him that control, and I've never regretted it. As someone who has lost the people I was closest to more than once, and moved on, it will be Okay. You'll make it, and it will get better. Take care of yourself. :-) ♥