Dude, I hate anxiety attacks. I started getting them a week and a half ago and stress does NOTHING but intensify them. Hardcore intensify them. Sometimes they last five minutes, sometimes they last an hour, either way they leave me exhausted.
My doctor told me that they are instigated and propagated by stress. That's a vicious cycle isn't it?! All I know is I can't seem to get enough sleep. And I slept a LONG time on saturday. I slept 11 hours from when I went to bed from when I woke up!! And I'm still exhausted.
We went to church today and the message was good to hear. It was "All In"....about giving it all up to God and doing it honestly. Admitting our weaknesses, our flaws, our shortcomings, and living life with a clear conscious. God died for our sins but the bible tells us to live our life with a clear conscious (the exact passage is in 1st Timothy but I didn't get the chapter and verse). But it was about putting our faith all in to God, letting Him empty us of our human ways and fill us up with the Holy Spirit. It was about giving our whole heart and not holding anything back.
We sang this beautiful song called Everything that was about giving everything to God, in every part of our life, through every stage in life. In our weeping, waiting, loving, laughing, working, etc. It was beautiful.
I texted Scott yesterday. I don't know where we stand. I told him I still love and care about him. We are going to keep taking some time apart I guess and reevaluate where we stand in a while. Are we friends right now? Just acquaintances? Ex's with feelings still for each other but nothing more? No idea. I guess we'll just see how things go. My heart is so protected right now and he made it sound like it's torture talking to me again. I could be wrong.
Tina is feeling sad for me right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. Never really have. Even when Scott and I were together and he was my best friend, I could never fully open up to him because he depended so much on me for him. When I needed someone to be strong for me, he couldn't because he was relying on me so much. I've never had a relationship like that with anyone in my family. I also have never had a friendship that I could just run to the friend and expect them to be there and be open and strong for me. Tina thinks it's sad. I think it's sad. It's hard, it hurts, and it's lonely. But I guess I'm so used to it I don't know any other way. I'm used to bearing the brunt of my whole life and everyone else's....but no one really helping to bear the brunt of mine.
I don't know how to ask for help, how to ask for someone to be there for me or be strong for me. I need it right now.
My anxiety attacks have me so worn down emotion is dull but painful. I'm crying again for the sheer reason I have no one I can literally go to and cry on their shoulder and be there for me. Man I just need someone to run their hands through my hair and tell me I'm going to be ok, just reaffirm that for me. Someone just to be strong for me for a little while. Sometimes I get so tired of being strong.
Optimism, I need to get back to being more optimistic again.
Ok I'm off to bed, last mid-term tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow is also the Thriller event :) Gotta love Michael Jackson and learning how to dance like a zombie!! And Alyssa is teaching....gotta go support her :)
1 comment:
I'm so sorry I missed your call! I didn't even get the message until last night.
Hey, you know you're not alone. You sound exactly like me in my old relationship. I had to be so much for him and he never had the capacity to be there even a little for my heart. It wasn't until Kenny that I found someone to share, someone that I can support but who also supports me just as much. I became a whole person through him, like he really is my other half.
What I mean by all that is, there is someone that's your counterpoint. I know it's lonely until you find that person, but don't settle for anything less.
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