Learning to Move

This last week I think I finally started confronting the reality of my decision. It's been a trying week.....that may be an understatement but it has. I have skipped class, failed a test and drove myself crazy with my emotions. My mind has run me.

I actually cried for the first time on Monday. I've cried every day since then. At first I thought that maybe I was completely immune to any emotion when I broke up with Scott as I couldn't cry. Even when I wanted to I couldn't. Lately it's been a test of strength to keep myself from crying in the middle of a crowded room.

I don't have any good friends to talk to. My best friend is the one I broke up with and he doesn't even want the memories of me. I tried to call Bri, she is the only one that knew my and Scott's relationship. But she wasn't home. Everyone here in Colorado only knows the hear-say. The good thing about Scott hardly ever having been home is there are not very many memories here to remember, they all reside in California and Japan.

This morning was trying. I dropped off the last of Scott's stuff, the backpack he let me borrow, at his mom's house. He wasn't home which may or may not have been a blessing. But at that moment it finally hit me that the only best friend I had, the person who knows me in and out, the one I need to be there, is the person who more than likely will never come back into my life ever again. I broke down, I cried, I texted him, even after he let me know in no uncertain terms that even a chance at a friendship is minimalistic.

I still love him. That much I've realized.

I either made the biggest mistake of my life or the reality not having my best friend has finally so completely hit me.

Either way, nothing will ever be the same. No matter what happens.

So I said my goodbye and I've decided that if Scott is ever in my life again that will be his decision, somewhere down the road.

But for myself I have to move on. I have to stop remembering and just go forward with the future and let God have His hand in my life and lead me where I need to go.

After dropping the stuff off at Scott's house I let the tears just flow, I let the irony sink in, and spent an hour at a park in Greeley talking to God and crying. I hopped on the swings and started to "fly", trying to reach my toes to heaven, to touch God. I laid my problems upon God. And I realized I need to move on. I have the memories and they are sweet and beautiful. They hurt. They are painful. But I need let God give me the strength to get back to life.

The pain is there. It hurts SOO terribly bad. But God and I are going to pick myself up and I'm going to let the future and whatever happens will happen. The pain is there but there's hope. God has something amazing for me in my future. I don't know if it will involve Scott in any way or not, but there's something amazing. And I have to get through this to keep going.

I don't know what I want, what's best. But right now, I'm picking up and going with things. I'll just have to see where life takes me. I'm fragile, I'm in pain, I'm emotional, but at least it tells me I'm normal and capable of normal feelings. I've started to doubt that I had a heart lately. I loved and still love Scott. I don't know what that means. I know it means I'm not ready for another relationship. I also know that it means I loved Scott fully and with all I had. Otherwise I wouldn't feel as I do right now. But I think it also means I'm living my life how God told me to, to trust in His plan for my life, to love others fully, and to have hope. The fact that my heart hurts means something is right in my life, I'm a woman :)

I guess the last two posts were a reflection of me freaking out. I think that's normal. Just everyone can now read it and make fun of me and think I'm a quasi freak :)

Ok anywho, I'm having a family dinner tonight. And I'm relishing in the blessing that is my parents, brothers, cousins, aunt, uncle and nephew. Praise God for family.....I don't know what I'd do without them.