Friday, April 03, 2009

Done With A Chapter In My Life

This is has been a post that's been in the works for about a week-and-a-half now but haven't had much time lately and when I do post I haven't wanted to write about it but I want to because a chapter of my life is finally over and I'm ending it. In all ways.

Scott and I are no longer friends. That chapter of my life is completely over. I've moved on, even from trying to keep a friendship with him. I will admit for awhile I was torn between whether I still had feelings for him or whether I was just missing something that had been in my life for such a long time that I wasn't handling the adjustment very well. At times I was lonely and I still cared about Scott. I guess in a way if he decided to be friends ever again I would care for him still but I don't think of him anymore, I don't care about caring about him. I think that's a good thing. I think I had a hard time letting go of being that protective one for him (because well that's what I do for everyone around me).

Tina texted me awhile ago after reading a post and was like "you still have feelings for Scott?!" as she took me looking at my past as me still loving him. I don't. I can guarantee you that. There's nothing left there. But it made me wonder why do I still hold on to parts of that past. Well I've let go. Ok, clarification, I've completely let go since that text. I had let go of what we had been long ago in the sense that I knew it would never be again and he wasn't what he had been at one point but I wasn't handling the adjustment well. So I held onto bits and pieces. I've let them go. And it feels good. I don't let him get into my thoughts anymore (ok other than posting this for the sake of getting out thoughts), I don't care anymore, and if there's something that reminds me of him, rather than let it remind me of him, I find something else to relate it to now.

For instance, gatorade is now associated with lemon-lime and Marshall's baseball games :) Never like Green Day so I just change the songs when they come on if ever. And I have associated Food Network with Shelly and I getting disgusted at weird foods.

I think what finally did the trick was Scott getting jealous again and slamming the door in my face again. I don't try to keep people in my life who don't want or try to be there. And I stop caring for people after a point. Scott told me to do what I wanted and as soon as he found out I was kissing another guy he slammed the door again. Fuck that bullshit. I reached that point. It's done and over.

I was therapeutic the other day and Marshall was glad for me (we were texting at that point). I always keep pictures but I took down any picture in my room that had remnants of Scott and put them in the picture box, threw away old cards and letters, donated the jacket his dad got for me, etc. It felt really good.

It felt freeing :) It really does. I'm no longer censoring this blog. If he wants to read it, then he has to accept the fact that I have moved on and there are others in my life, other events going on in my life, and this is where I pour them out.

So with that another chapter in my life is done and I couldn't be more excited for the next one!!! I have no clue what's in store for me romantically, if there is even anything in the near future, but for now I'm having fun flirting and being myself. And that's all I ever need to be and want to be.

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