Monday, December 01, 2008

A whole train wreck of shit

I apologize as I'm a little tipsy in the making of this post as well as extremely exhausted. I didn't get home last night until 4am and didn't get very good sleep or very much sleep for that matter, even with skipping work/classes this morning.

So the first part of fall break went pretty well. I got to visit with family, enjoy my time, we were all getting along pretty well as I've ever gotten along with my parents.

However, when I go home I'm not treated like an adult. My parents still treat me as though I'm in high school and try to keep that control over my life, I am not treated with the respect that adults are, my opinion is still regarded as that of a child, and I still have a curfew. Having a relationship while living with my parents is incredibly hard.....especially at this point in my life where I enjoy spending nights with someone cuddling, kissing and snuggling. It can't happen in my family and well I'm used to living my life how I live my life.

With that being said I started making plans to move in with my aunt. In which case it's more like living with roommates as I do now. I still pull my own weight around the house but without the constraints of curfews and being treated as an inferior.

During Thanksgiving dinner we were talking about living plans and I announced my intentions to move in with my aunt over the summer since I'm moving back to the Denver area to apply for school and if that doesn't work, get a job at a hospital.

Next thing I know my mom is glaring at me, slamming doors, won't talk to anyone. My parents won't talk to my aunt or grams, people leave, I'm left wondering how things are gonna turn out.

My parents proceed to cream me, much in the same manner they have since I was in high school. In high school, we had hella huge fights, in which I was never good enough, never was responsible/adult enough, always a screw up. During my sophomore year of college, my parents informed me in the middle of a dispute that I was the worst thing to have them and they would have been better off had I not been born. Then Thanksgiving night, I was told I've been an inconvenience for 21 years, that I'm not even close to being an adult and being mature, not able to handle myself in the real world, out of my mind, and was basically kicked out.

I spent the night at a friends house, then spent friday with my aunt/grams before flying out to Cali to visit Tina.

Thursday and Friday night was so insane. Sort of felt out of bodyish. I have felt like I don't belong, that who I am is inherently wrong, even more so now than ever. So confused as to if I'm really that horrendous of a person/daughter. So many thoughts and insecurities flooding back into my head that I thought I had finally gotten ahold of and semi dealt with.

Friday night I learned via text from my aunt that my dad had laid into my aunt and grams. Completely unacceptable. I'm being blamed for tearing the family apart. The only problem was this was all in the making, I just put the straw on the camel's back apparently. I have no idea what will happen from here on out.

Christmas won't be what it's supposed to be....divided family, a barage of crap basically. My parents hate me. Everyone says that a parents love runs deep. My parents told me that my decision was unforgivable. I'm getting to the point where the words that continually come out of their mouth are unforgivable.....becoming harder and harder to ignore and get past. When I keep hearing them over and over and over. I find it harder to believe my parents really love me as much as they say they do. If they did how can they continually hurt me so much. I'm accused of hurting them because of this decision, because I'm independent. Being told you aren't wanted, are an inconvenience and a mistake is not something that is easily forgotten, not in the slightest.

So many thoughts.

I haven't talked to my parents. Don't think I want to. I don't know what to say to them.

I also found out that my brothers got caught and arrested for shoplifting on friday when I was flying out. Fucking morons. How can they be so stupid? Just another problem to add to the table.

I feel for my parents, I do. I know how hard things are, how financially unstable. I've tried to take the burden off of them on my part. But it's never enough. Even the stress of knowing financially I'm a huge burden, even though I'm not really a burden on them, has been more than I can handle. My parents say I don't know what sacrifice is. Funny thing is that they don't know what sacrifices I make on a daily basis. They don't see the weeks I go eating one meal a day when money gets tight or the like. They don't see when I have to sit there and weigh weather I should spend my money on this or that and what the consequences will be later on in about a month or so. They don't see, they don't care.

Anyway, I'm tipsy, about to pass out because I'm so exhausted. Just want to sleep.

So many thoughts, so much pain, not enough time, not sure what to do.

1 comment:

A Lady Called Amy said...

I know you've written a blog since this, and I plan on reading it next. I just want to say, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much. I'm sure you know, but I want to remind you that while your earthly parents reject you time and time again, and don't understand you, that your heavenly Father does. He loves you no matter what Nicole and I hope that I don't sound like a fruit to you, but I know that God will never reject you, and he sees you as the amazing creation he made you. You were not a mistake, you are not a burden and you have a reason for being in this world. I love you Nicole. Even though we only met in person once, and barely communicate aside from our blogs. You are amazing and I know that if you stay motivated you will do great things with your life. I'm pretty sure you already are. I hope you find some peace and that things with your family settle. Take care. :-)