Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Reflecting on Changes

I look back at the last semester of my life and I've realized I have grown tremedously as an individual and made some changes in my life that were for the better, some that were for the worst, and some that are still left to be judged.

I feel as though I have changed a lot in who I am but also at the same time changed very little. Some people would recognize who I am and some people wouldn't. Some people would think that I have changed for the worst and some would think I have changed for the better, it's all up to your judgment. All I know is for once in my life, I am confidant in who I am, in who I'm becoming, and I feel good about where I'm at in life.

The small hurricane that's normally in my heart is no longer there, instead a certain sense of calm and contentment has replaced it. I'm not saying I don't have my moments I don't doubt myself because I do, but I've learned that doubting myself is usually caused from an irrational fear or thought that doesn't need to be there and I've learned to not dwell on it. I've learned that I deserve the best because I'm an amazing woman and to settle for anything less is belittling myself.

Change number one: The biggest change in my life was breaking up with Scott. Looking back on it the road I took was probably not the nicest for him but for me I've reached a point that I know the whole thing was for the better. Breaking up with Scott was a long time in the coming. Our personalities were just too different and to a large extent I now realize I was allowing him to hold me back from the person I am on the inside. He didn't bring out the best in me. Instead his own doubts, lack of trust, jealousy, and his tendency to draw into himself only reflected onto me. I lost my edge, my spark, my spunk. I became doubtful, jealous, unable to trust. I was a huge torrent of emotion all the time and not in a good way. But not anymore.

Since breaking up, I am back to being my old self. Confidant, full of life, vibrant, not jealous, trusting (albeit maybe too much sometimes). I love life! And being with Scott I wasn't able to enjoy and love life while he was depending upon me for his happiness. I'm back to enjoying life, grabbing it by the hands and running full force ahead!! And I couldn't be happier. I've learned to find a confidance in myself. However those two years weren't for naught. They taught me a lot about myself, about who/what I don't want to be. It taught me how to have a confidance about myself that I don't think I would have otherwise....and how attractive that is to others and how important it is to have in a relationship.

Change number two: My relationship with God has become more personal, more my own. I no longer need my relationship to be what the church or my parents tell me. My relationship to God is all my own, within my heart, how it needs to be. And some may not view this as good as since then I have become really hesitant to be involved with the church or involved in a discipleship team of any sort right now. I need to foster my relationship with God on my own, let it blossom between us, unhinged by others. As well, I will openly admit that I feel really inhibited by the church right now.

I guess you could say right now I'm still trying to find myself and figuring out more about myself as an individual, something I've never done before. I've let others tell me who I am. I've suppressed parts of me because others thought they were wrong. Not anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm an individual with lots to offer the world and just because someone doesn't like it doesn't mean I need to suppress that part of myself. And right now I'm referring mainly to the impossible standard/mold my parents held me up to.

Change number three: I drink. Not to get drunk and be an idiot. Not the drunk that most people connotate the meaning to (as I believe drunk is from the first sip of alcohol). But I drink, I like to have a couple of drinks with the girls, enjoy the nights watching the game/movie with friends, having outrageous conversations over a couple beers. I enjoy being my age, going to the bars and having fun. My mom treats it like it's a mortal sin but I won't apologize for being me and having some fun, for once, being my age. I'm still responsible but I enjoy a couple drinks with the gals. And for those who are curious I've found out that when it comes to hard liquor I like whiskey. Hahaha.

Change number four: I love talking about sex. I love sex. I love absolutely everything about sex right now. This might be hard for someone to swallow. Especially with me being a Christian and the whole concept around Christianity and premarital sex. I'm not a virgin, and for that I can honestly say I'm glad. I have found that along with the church and my parents upbringing, sex in any form is taboo. Dating is a chore and absolute hastle, let alone adding in kissing and PDA with it. I feel that had I been a virgin, I would not have a healthy relationship with my husband. I have had to break down many barriers to be comfortable with my body, let alone the concept of sex. And it's taken having sex to do that. I don't sleep around; have had sex in two relationships and recently with another man outside of a relationship. It's funny how Christianity tells us our body is a temple, and that's what the church uses to tell us to not have sex premaritally. I've never been shown a passage that actually tells us not to have sex before marriage (please show me by all means if you know one for a fact). But the interesting part of it all is that sex in my relationships was more of a desecration to my body than having sex with the one person I have had sex with outside of a relationship. It wasn't forced or expected outside of the relationship, it happened, was something I wanted, and I was able to enjoy my body and sexuality. I wasn't able to do that in my relationships.

I've also found that my sexuality has blossomed since getting out of a relationship with Scott. I'm doing things that make me feel and look sexy. For heavens sake I bought a bra with inserts so that I feel more attractive with a full size A cup. I have spent hours talking to friends about sex and their experiences. Sex is one of my favorite topics right now to talk to others about. I'm curious, I want to learn, I want to know, I want to know that me being practically still a newbie to sex is ok and what to do to help my sexuality blossom. I know some of my more conservative friends don't agree with my choice in premarital sex. To each his own, I commend you for standing upon your ideals :) I do the same thing. But I am sexually active premaritally and it's not anything I have a problem with in the slightest.

Change number five: I'm still me :) Through it all I'm still stubborn, opinionated, full of life, full of love, full of adventure, full of a desire to explore the whole earth, full of a desire to photograph my life. I'm still lovable, still in love with God. I still carry around chapstick wherever I'm at, still love country and rock, am still the same clumsy woman I've always been. Despite everything, I'm still me. Just a different more uninhibited, accepting, worldly version of me. I still have so many goals and desires and ambitions.

Well I truly need to get to bed. I'm watching P.S. I love You.....I wish and hope a love like this is in my future. Maybe my dreams are a little too high on this one but it's the kind of unconditional love I could ever want. :)

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