Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Stopping This Negativity

So I feel that my negativity has been at a bar that is a little too high the last couple of days. It's just and deserved but it's hard to be so poopy all the time. I know I should be dealing with all the events that have happened in a better manner but in all honesty I don't have the time, strength, energy or comprehension to start facing the problems with my family that need to be dealt with. So rather I ignore what's there and try to play catch-up and sprint towards the finish line of this semester.

I will deal with these problems eventually but I won't do it until I'm in the right frame of mind, able to comprehend my thoughts and the situation, and handle it properly.

I have sort of pushed a lot of people and emotions to the back burner and I apologize. It's what I have to do right now. I can't function any other way. I'm just on overload right now.

My nerves finally caught up to the severity of the situation today. I had a full-blown anxiety attack in class this morning. My body temp spiked, my body started shaking from the inside out, my heart rate sky-rocketed to around 190 while I was sitting in the middle of class, and I got dizzy. The effects have lingered all today and made me sort of out of it.

My scoliosis is having a flare. I have been loading up on the ibprofen no matter how much I do not like to ever take drugs of any sort. The pain is unbearable and the inflammation won't go away until I treat it. I also have my herbal massage gel with me at all times to act as my heat/ice regime since I don't have the time to do it right now. I've been doing the back exercises at night and we'll see if they start working.

I'm happy I got to meet Tina this past weekend :) It's always nice to get to finally meet a person you've been friends with for awhile. I know that at first we didn't start off on good terms and she sort of always intimidated me but Tina is Tina. She's sweet, she's opinionated, she's driven, and she adores life and has a good head on her shoulders. She demands decency and respect but she's a great person behind it all. And I got to see that going out there. Hopefully I'll get to go out sometime again here soon.

School has been chaotic this week. Between getting to Colorado late and starting off behind, I have been playing catch-up with everything. I have been working on group projects, papers, case studies every night and will until friday night. I have been doing employee evaluations and man oh man those take so much time!! It's been good for me to talk to the employees and get ideas on how to implement positive changes but it's time consuming to say the least when in between classes you meet with 18 people for a half-hour each. I think I still have five more to go. Something like that.

One thing I've figured out in the past month or so. My small boobs really make me self-conscious. There's nothing wrong with having small boobs. Kate Hudson, Kate Bosworth, Debra Messing among others make it sexy to have small boobs. However, I can't help but feel a lack of sexiness from not having boobs. Boobs are a mark of womanhood, a symbol of sexiness, and something that makes the identity of a woman. I feel like I'm missing that. Not having boobs is sort of relative to the identity crisis a male would have if he didn't have a penis. It makes me doubt the attraction others can have to me, the beauty I can possess as a woman. In a way, it makes me want to talk to breast cancer survivors who have mastectomies and start a dialogue on what makes the identity of a woman. I mean let's admit it, boobs (and I'm not talking big boobs, just boobs in general) are what every girl looks forward to having, what a man is attracted to, what marks one of the unique physical identies of women. There's not too many men that don't have a maxim/playboy/esquire magazine, a pin-up calendar, or something of the like in which it displays a sexy female who always has some form of supple breasts, they can be size B's to size DD's. However, it makes me feel quite self-conscience when my boobs are AA's. That's tiny, non-existant practically. Just something I figured out that has made me doubt my sexiness, attractiveness as a woman.

Alright, as much as I would love to talk about the more important things in life ;) I have to meet another one of my groups to work on our final group paper due tomorrow. I'll update more later I'm sure.

Catch ya on the flip side

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