But the interesting stuff happens in between that all. Lately my mood has been on an ever-increasing high. I'm not quite sure why other than I really believe God is placing a very weird strength of character in my heart, a strength that's being tapped into that I didn't even know existed.
The family situation is still unresolved, I have no idea what will happen. I know that ultimately it comes down to the fact that our family stays pretty well glued despite the words, the fights, the stubborn personalities that clash. Yes there are times that it's hard to be in my family, there are times that my family hurts me in ways that no one else can, and there are times I really wish we were more like other families. But my family is the way it is, it's not gonna change, I can't change families and though there are times I really wish I could, I wouldn't trade them. God chose my family for me to be a part of because we are crucial in some way to each other's lives, we provide a support and love no one else can, though we can also provide a destructive nature no one else can bring. It's all a balance, an act of faith constantly on our part that our love is stronger than the devil that keeps attacking our relationships.
Vrbas hit that sore spot today. It hurts to hear but it's honest and real and I appreciate that his concern was real and frank. Just still sucks to hear from a third party, unbiased perspective.
A common theme in my life is the importance of genunity, trust, communication and honesty. You can tell me the most horrible thing to my face and I can bear it if you are honest, I really can. I can handle any situation if there is trust. I can bear any words as long as you are communicating with me. And I can respect you through it all if you are genuine.
I think my positive energy is flowing to others. Others are picking up on it. Friends are seeing a sparkle back in me. People want to be around me!!! I've had so many friends tell me how glad they are to see me and WANT to see me, how much they enjoy being around me. I've had friends lift me up and have real, honest, genuine, no barriers conversations with me.
Tami and I went shopping and enjoyed ourselves the other night!! We were able to be ourselves, free of responsibilites or ties to anyone else, to answer to a man in our lives, free of jealousy, full of comfort and honesty and friendship!!
We were able to celebrate our friendship, become closer, be two radiant young women. And it showed!! Our attitudes and personalities are showing to the world, and they are attractive and alluring!! We got a guys number that night. I've been given two more guys numbers this week and asked out on one date and caught up with another long lost friend whose last text was that he owed me for my friendship, though I haven't seen him in two years.
To be free, to be beautiful, to be celebrated, to be held in a positive and uplifting light....and to give it back to others has been SOO amazing!!! Alyssa's smile has always radiated others to her, I have found that key!! It's her inward beauty shining through and so is mine :)
The greatest thing is it's God working in my life, through me and through others to make this possible. My heart won't always feel this way, this full. I will continue to have my trials and times of being down, I know this. But God always ALWAYS brings me through, through prayer and putting people in my life when they need to be to help me out. And guess what, I'm used as an instrument in that way too.
Here are a few things I have learned the past few days: I am a strong, positive, sexy, alluring, radiant, beautiful, bull-headed woman of God. I am a great friend, even though I'm not always THE greatest. I am an amazing woman with many wonderful attributes to give to the world. The funny thing is that I see ALL these qualities in other people ALL the time and right now I can finally see them in myself!!
So what if Vrbas is not picking up on how amazing I am and showing the interest back in me? So what if my family currently doesn't exactly want to have much to do with me? So what if I have nonexistant boobs that make me appear as though I'm twelve? So what if I have this newly formed nasty habit of dropping the f-bomb fairly regularly? It doesn't mean I'm any less than anyone else!!!
Ok, so before I keep going on and on, I NEED to get to bed. I have a presentation in the morning...but this is a pick of me tonight working on my presentation for the six hours I spent in the library. I had my hoodie, my bright pink earbuds and was rockin out!! Yeah it's a little goofy but that's who I am :)
P.S. I REALLY want a new digital camera because I love documenting my life in pictures and taking pics and I can't do that when I have a really crappy camera :( Soon, hopefully, I will get myself a good camera!!!