Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ballet and Verb

This weekend has been so crazy and long....but in a good way. A good way to kick off the break I suppose.

After Thursday night's adventure at The Vault with friends, I woke up friday morning not hung over, not with a headache, not sick to my stomach, but sick with almost no voice! I seriously sound like a guy right now I'm so hoarse!! And completely tired, not because of the alcohol but because my body is finally registering the sheer exhaustion it's been ignoring.

I came down to Brighton to go to see The Nutcracker at the Colorado Ballet with my aunt, Tori, Lisa, Sara and Sara's mom. It was great!!! However I didn't eat anything that day and had a whiskey sour at the little bar in the operahouse before the show.....and the first act was definitely a little whoozy to follow. However, the second act was ABSOLUTELY spectacular after intermission. It was a great night out with the gals. My mom and grams didn't come, due to the family fighting, which is why Sara and her mom came but right now I'm sort of glad. The tension between my aunt and mom would have ruined a beautiful ballet. Here is my aunt and I at the ballet. I wanted a pic of all the gals but unfortunately it never happened.

Then yesterday my aunt, uncle and I went christmas shopping. By the time I had woken up, no one in my family was there so I simply made plans to go with my aunt. It was great to just relax, and look around, and spend some time with parts of my family that aren't hostile towards me. So far since I've been home my mom barely talks to me and actually spent the first little bit glaring at me. I really don't know what to do about my parents anymore. I don't think they will ever see me for the adult and individual I am. They want me to always be only their daughter and live my life the way they want me to. They may not be proud of me but the least they could do is love and support me which to date they have done, but all the while so reminded me how burdensome it is to do so and how wrong they think I am. I'm not always going to live my life up to their expectations. I'm my own individual living my own life in my own time in my own set of experiences. I honestly don't think they will understand that.

But I won't apologize for who I am. I'm very content with the amazing mature woman I am becoming. I am comfortable for the most part in my own skin for the first time. I am young and having fun and living freely but I'm also living smart. I might make stupid mistakes but those aren't any reason to think I'm not capable of being an adult and making the right decisions for me. My mom has made it clearly known how low she thinks of me, how what's best for my heart/mind/soul and what makes me happy are always the wrong decision, and how to her I will never have enough experience or knowledge of life to ever be right in her eyes. It's frustrating. Really frustrating.

I love my parents and I respect them. But at the same time I also do not respect a lot about them and how they treat me. I don't have to. That's my perrogative as an adult. Some of their actions are just downright petty and immature. But I can't say that. They are never wrong.

Anywho it was nice to be out with family who do show that support and love to me. They provide constructive criticism, give me the respect of explaining why they disagree with me and tell me when they do in fact disagree with me. But they don't tell me how to live my life. Instead they guide and treat me as an adult. I respect that so much more.

I spent the night at Vrbas' last night. It was good to get to cuddle up with someone and kiss someone. Someone who's a third party who isn't a part of the chaos. Right now Vrbas and I are just being. We are not in a relationship, not dating, but we are a tad closer than friends (considering I always stay the night over at his house). I don't feel any pressure with him, any pressure to rush or label what we are. I'm comfortable and confidant with myself around him and I like that. He also doesn't play any bullshit. He tells me how he sees it and doesn't like nonsense. I like that! Thus far he is a guys' guy, a gentleman, a firefighter with a soft side, confidant in himself, has an amazing smile, and is absolutely the best kisser. This morning I was in absolute bliss. His pup Bud curled up in the crook of my arm around 5:30am and was cuddled up right next to my neck, then around 7:30am Vrbas rolled over and cuddled up with me too wrapping his arms my waist. So I was stuck cuddled up between the cutest little dog and a pretty amazing man. It felt very natural and comfortable and right for this moment in time.

I'm very curious and excited to see what will become of my friendship with Vrbas.

And for those who are interested in knowing what Vrbas and Bud look like, this is them. Adorable....both of them :)

Today we had the Christmas play at church. All I have to say is our church is excellent at not planning and coordinating things. This was the worst put-together skit/play of any sort I have ever seen. That may seem mean but it's completely true. One thing I really don't like about going to church is having to feel like I have to be what they think I should be. I get that same pressure from my parents a lot and I don't like it. As though if I'm not being the exact Christian they think I should be that I'm a horrible person and don't have a relationship with God. I do, it's for once my own relationship with God, personal between us. But I don't feel that I need to go out and build churches and never date and jump when my parents say "jump" to be a Christian, let alone a "good Christian". Anywho, hilarious play only because we couldn't understand a single word, breaks in between scenes were complete chaos and I couldn't follow the plotline.

Anywho, I am in desperate need of a new camera. I'm going to go search the price of several cameras right now. Circuit City is closing like half of their stores so I'm going to see if I can find a good deal on one :)

See you on the flip side!

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