Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Truth

Last week Cord asked me this question "Are you happy?" He told me not to answer but rather think about it.

I've been thinking about it. I'm a naturally happy bubbly person by nature. I just enjoy life too much.

But I'm not as happy as I was a month ago. My living situation being a huge root of it. I'm not happy with where I'm at, it's not what nurtures my soul. I've had fun with my family, all of them, but I don't have the social interaction at my house I'm used to nor the emotional support that I was used to having.

I'm not used to living how my parents do. I'm not used to coming home and not having friends within ten minutes reach or coming home and having to have all the lights off at a certain time.

I realized when I came home to my house at 9:30pm last night to my dad sitting in complete darkness just how much that simple action depresses me. I like having the lights on and things lit. I like noise and interaction and socialness. It really brought me down last night to walk into that atmosphere.

I'm happy in every other way in my life though I will admit I'm starting to freak out about not having a job and not making money. There's so much I want to do but with not having $$$ it's hard....I also don't want to ask my parents for $$$ so I'm holding off on that until it's absolutely absolutely no longer an option. I'm also wondering about getting into nursing school....it's intense. But on the whole I am still a very happy person.

I think I'm struggling to once again figure out where my niche is.

I find that when I come home I don't smile, dance, laugh and joke like I used to. Mainly because that's not how my family is anymore. So I find ways to get out of my house. But I find that I want to do all those things when I come home with my family. They just don't want to and call me things like crazy, granola, or say things like "why are you so happy?".....as though I need a reason. Can't I just be happy?! Is that not even a possibility anymore?!

I know I need to be an adult. I just want the social and emotional uplift that I had a month ago. I can tell my heart is missing it. I want to find my niche again.

I think that might be finding some place other than this to live when it's within my means.

I love my parents. But we are just two different people who live two different ways and living together just may not be in our best interest. I'm young and ready to grab life by the hands whereas my parents are in their own little road of life. They are just two different roads and at this point that road in their life is not the road for me nor the road that makes my heart happy and healthy.

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