Sunday, June 07, 2009

Goodbyes Are Hard

Why oh why am I such a girl?!

Not having a home has affected my emotions more than I thought it would. I take comfort in being around family and friends, I love spending time with everyone, but it's hard when at the end of the day you don't have a place that's really your own, your home.

I think it's made me more emotional than I normally am.

Last night I was thinking about Krista May. I haven't cried over her death for the last two years or so. Krista's death confirmed that there IS a God, there IS heaven and hell, and that God loves us and takes care of us, even if it's not in the way we would choose.

But due to family dynamics and my emotional state, I found myself crying myself to sleep around 1am, missing one of my best friends.

I started thinking back over all of my memories of Krista and I together. Krista was the mother of one of the kids on my dad's youth football teams (a friend of Marshall's). Krista was exactly 20 years older than me. I was 17 that year that we became close, she was 37. Not exactly what I was expecting. Krista was always in her red lipstick, I was always in my t-shirt and jeans.

I'm not anything extraordinary, I've never fathomed that I do enough to really be proud of. But even at that time in my life Krista absolutely loved me and adored me for who I was. She took me as I was, challenged me in my faith in God, bolstered me up, and through it all somehow was proud of me and told me such. I still don't think I'm someone to really ultimately be too proud of, I haven't done anything that someone else couldn't do.

I miss Krista. I miss her red lips greeting me whenever she saw me always with a huge smile, engulfing me in a huge hug, and calling me sweetie or hunny.

I was in church today and we were talking about peace, having peace in God. Since I have accepted Christ I have had that peace. I know it. More so in this last year than ever before. But I was also thinking back to the last time I ever saw Krista. It was after she was home from her first surgery to remove the brain tumor. She had greeted me with her usual red lipstick and huge hug, even though her movements were markedly slowed by the shock her brain had just taken. We talked for hours about boys, school, and other various topics with her mom Cindy. After awhile, Cindy had to leave and I volunteered to stay with Krista until Jim got home. Krista and I went onto the back porch as Jackie played with her friend. Krista looked at me and asked me "So what do you think of all this?"

At first I was confused and said so, my response being "what do I think about what?" She then smiled and said "Are you angry with God?" I remember this sort of took me back and I had to ponder the question. I told her I wasn't angry with God, that thought had never crossed my mind. I just told her that I felt selfish as honestly I didn't know what would happen to Krista but I wanted her to stay on earth with her family, friends, and me. Krista told me that was perfectly fine but she didn't want me to be angry with God. She told me that everything happens for a reason, God has a perfect plan, to which I told her I knew. That's why I wasn't scared. Even if it took her away, I knew God was taking care of her and doing what fit into His perfect plan. But her next remark shocked me. She told me she was thankful for what was happening to her....that she had never been more thankful for those around her, that before she had never appreciated such simple sounds and sights as the smell of a backyard barbecue, and never before had God so rocked her world yet held her so tight. She said that God was trying to teach her...."Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 She had a peace, no matter what happened. Since then I have had a peace with God that He would take care of me, no matter what happened, even if it wasn't what I wanted and if it wasn't what I thought was a good thing. I've had a peace with God's plan for my life ever since then, even during the most tumultuous times in my life.

I really miss Krista though. Never before has someone so helped to solidify my faith. I miss Krista May's faith, I want to talk to her more about God. I want to see her smile, her big red lips again. One day I will see her again.

Since then I have found love is the greatest thing on earth. I have never been afraid to love since then. It has gotten me into trouble, it has hurt me, but I thoroughly believe in love. And because of that some important people have come into my life.

Another person I have come to love I had to say goodbye to again. Tiana will forever be my sister. It's one of Kevan's friends who over this last month really became part of my family in mine and Kevan's minds and became a sister. She moved back across the country today. Goodbyes are becoming more and more painful, more tears are involved, but at the same time I find myself loving that (in a weird twisted sense). Because every person that it becomes hard to say goodbye to is someone I've loved in one way or another and is someone who leaves a mark on my heart. And more than anything, it's during those times I know that my life is being lived, that my heart is open to those around me. It's during those times I know that I have loved.

On another level of love, I have found I'm a little more guarded. And that's the love I give to guys. I've never been in love before.....I've loved guys, I've tried to give them my all, but I was never in love with them. I'm falling in love with Eric....and I really do love it. It is a brand new feeling that I'm not used to feeling....but because it's new it's scary. It has shocked me how fast I started falling in love with Eric, it has also surprised me how easy he was able to start breaking through those little walls around my heart in relation to romantic love. It's a good thing but it's new handling it all. There is still parts of my heart a little guarded, not because I don't want to let him in all the way, but because in all honesty I'm afraid of ruining anything. I've never had a healthy relationship like this before.

I'm finding it new to navigate our relationship. I find myself a little distant at times because I'm figuring out exactly how to navigate through what's going on, as far as what do I do. It's refreshing to me.....Eric is not clingy, which means that I don't need to constantly be texting him what I'm doing, he doesn't need to know everything that's going on in my life, he makes plans without asking me and vice versa, he doesn't need me to be showing affection to him all the time to feel secure with himself, he doesn't always feel the need to grab my hand while walking anywhere,etc. I like that. But I have NEVER been in a relationship where the guy isn't clingy and territorial and jealous. I find myself having to figure out how to be in a relationship that's not like that. I have no fear of mentioning hanging out with other guys. That in itself is new and different. However, that puts me in new territory in other ways.....for instance, I'm used to the obligation of always holding my ex's hands, always kissing them goodbye. I'm used to hearing ten times before I leave how they don't want me to go, where they kiss me and hold onto me, and only upon me pulling myself away am able to leave anywhere I go. With Eric it's simply a hug, usually a kiss, and a see you later or text you's new, it's good, but it's taking some getting used to. But because of how it works, I find myself wondering, am I allowing myself to be too distant with him?! I only know the expectations of a gf on a clingy level.....and I don't want to be clingy myself. I find myself WANTING to give him a kiss goodbye but don't always. I DO NOT ever want to be the clingy one like my ex's were. So I find myself trying to navigate, what's the best mix?!

Am I thinking too indepth about this?! I think I am....but seriously, it's of huge concerns to me that I don't want to be clingy like my ex's but I don't want to be too distant. Oh gosh, really I think I might be overthinking just a bit. I guess that's what unhealthy past relationships do to you though.....

The three most important words I think you can ever say to anyone is that you love them. I never miss an opportunity to tell someone I love them, because you never know when it's the last time and I don't want anyone to doubt that I love them. There's one exception to this: Eric. I have found myself wanting to tell him that several times. I really do love Eric already. But I don't want to scare the wits out of him. I don't want him to think that now I'm being really serious about us, as in "let's get married and have kids" sort of thing. I can see myself having a future with him (which is also a first out of someone I've dated) but I am in no rush to marry and have children. My biological clock is not ticking in that day but I know I'm nowhere near ready and I do want to take things slow. I have my whole life, I don't need to rush those things. I also don't want him to think that he has an obligation to say the same thing to me when he doesn't feel it, and I don't want him to be afraid of hurting me if things don't work out. I know a lot of guys legitimately have that fear and I can completely understand.

I let myself love people no matter what, which yes gets me hurt, but I can deal with it. I would rather not hold back and allow myself to love someone and get hurt, than to not love someone and wish that I had just given it a shot. My life is all about following my heart. I will do so. And if I get hurt, well guess what, I have my Lord to pick me back up and carry me through no matter what happens.

So I have decided this: I love Eric. I really do already (crazy I know!). But I will hold back telling him so until he is ready to tell me loves me, in which case had better be only when he really does feel that way. I can wait this one time, it's hard, but I will not ruin a relationship by scaring the crap out of a guy because he thinks I'm going to be all crazy like most girls are when they say "I love you" to someone. Ok maybe that's over-stereotyping women but I can admit most women are pretty fucking nuts when it comes to matters of the heart!! I've watched my brothers go through tons of psycho, crazy girls and their clingy, stalker, dramatic ways....they even scare the hell out of me!!

Yes, goodbyes are hard, but at least I'm not afraid to love others, I'm not afraid to let others into my heart and love them back. It might be painful at times, but I can get through any pain knowing that I have loved and that God will get me through. At least I will die knowing that I have given all the love I can possibly give and have loved whole-heartedly. I think that's all God really asks of us....and I love no one more whole-heartedly than I love my God :)

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