Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Case of the Ex

I feel very very vulnerable right now.

I told Eric I loved him this weekend. I don't regret saying it, it's what I feel. I'm not afraid to love others. But I've never been so vulnerable in this way towards someone before. My heart has never been so exposed towards someone.....neither has it ever been so exposed without someone else's heart being exposed along with mine.

I got a glimpse yesterday of just how much Kelly hurt Eric. Eric thinks that Kelly cheated on him, which may or may not have happened. But I could tell when he was talking that he really had been completely in love with her and had given her his heart. And I could also tell that she had broken it pretty brutally.

He told me such, but his eyes really gave way just what he meant, and how bad he had been hurt.

He even said that his heart is closed off. He didn't freak him out by me telling him I loved him and was falling in love with him, but I think it may have put him even more on guard.

What really makes me vulnerable is that looking in his eyes, I know that part of his heart won't be open to me for quite awhile, which makes my heart a sitting duck in many senses of the word.

It makes me very mad that someone hurt him so bad. I've been there before, and my heart didn't open up for quite a bit. But unlike him, I'm also not afraid to love others and put my heart out on the line time and time again. I think that love is the most important thing in this world and unfortunately I love my family and friends with a fiery passion. I have a lot of love to give and I love loving others. I've loved the guys I've dated, though never been in love with them, which always gets me into trouble. And now for the first time I'm falling in love with someone....which is getting my heart in deeper than it's ever been before.

I'm afraid his heart is so scarred that it may not open up to me for a very long time.

It also infuriates me that someone who hurt him so bad was someone that I never thought would have.

I know understand why he looked so shocked and at the same time a little fearful when I found out who his ex was and my response was "Oh Kelly! I love her!". Kelly and I swam together and is a pretty decent friend, though we haven't talked in years. From what I know of her, I never would have thought that she would have been the one to hurt him so bad. I also never would have imagined she had hurt him that bad when she messaged me saying that she was glad Eric and I were together. It really kind of bugs me now.

All I know is that looking in Eric's eyes, he is very much capable of someday opening up his heart to me. I can also tell that he is VERY hesitant to though. I know he's terrified. He even mentioned how this is the first time in a year he's even really put himself out there. Looking in his eyes though told me it's going to be awhile....so I'm going to need to be patient. I think it might actually be a great while before that happens. I want to take his hand and assure him it's ok, but in all actuality I can't do that. I can't assure anyone that he will be ok or that he won't somehow get hurt again, that's the chance you take with love. The only way you can assure you won't get hurt again is to not love. In my case, that's not do-able. I'm a lover through and through. The only thing I am capable of telling him is that when/if he finally does decide to open his heart and fall in love with me, he will never be loved in the way I know I'm capable of loving him. And that I'm also pretty damn good at loving the shit out of someone :)

Stinks on my part, but that's the price I pay for letting myself start falling in love with him.....oh you silly little girl. I will never regret it though. Even if it gets me into trouble, he's worth falling in love with for the first time in my life. God will always take care of me though....He always has my heart in His hands and treats it with most precious of care....and blesses me everytime I get myself into one heartache or another by taking out His needle and thread and sewing it back up again for me :) He's done it before from heartaches with family and friends to guys....and I know that if needs be He will do it again.

I just wish Eric knew that too and that God would sew his back up just a little bit faster :D All in time.

See, another instance where patience is a virtue....and just needs to be practiced on my part.

What's in God's plan for my life will happen and happen when it's meant to....I just once again need to learn to love, to have faith and to enjoy the beautiful ride.

To my heart, please don't be anxious. God's in control. He will take care of you no matter what. Just have faith, be the wonderful soul you are, and don't be afraid to take this life by storm. Keep yourself a little guarded, just for safety's sake. But don't be anxious. You have nothing to worry about :) Always, Your Brain

It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves. ~John Bulwer

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