Sunday, February 01, 2009

A Few Updates on things left unexplained...

Family: I have come to terms with my parents once again. We by no means agree about what's going on. We don't have the same viewpoints. I have made it clear that when it comes to choosing a side for my family I won't do it. I have a small family to begin with, I'm not going to make it even smaller because of feuding. But we talked and I found out a lot of history behind the feuding that's been going on. History that involves a lot of stubbornness and miscommunication on both sides....because my parents see it one way and my aunt a completely different way. I feel that it has fallen on my shoulders that when the time is right to get them all into a room together and facilitate a discussion. Oddly enough I'm the only one equipped enough to do this. Well it's not odd, it's actually how it normally works, but the fact that the 21-year-old has to facilitate a converstaion between 40-year-olds who can't seem to do it is odd.

So my parents and aunt/uncle still aren't talking but us kids all talk to each other and the adults. And my parents I feel have found a new-found respect for me and I for them. I love learning about their past, dreams, desires and I wish they would do it often. It makes it easier to understand where they come from and why they say what they do.

Nursing school: I have an informational meeting on Tuesday. I should probably start getting my stuff together and questions compiled. AGH!!! SO nervous. I'm afraid of failure.

Vrbas: We still text, we are friends.....I haven't seen him since the end of December. Other than that nothing going on. And I'm quite content with that.

Scott: Oh gosh, there's a lot that I want to write on that area but due to certain thoughts, I'm going to keep a few underwraps. I miss him, I think. I'm very confused in that area. I keep saying I don't love him. But I find it hard to say I don't still care when I am jealous right now. To be honest with you, I think a large reason I don't know what's going on with my feelings for him is I ignore that area of my heart, I numb it. Like a couple posts ago revealed. A lot reminds me of him, there's a whole more than the small list, and along with the remembering part is a lot of stinging.

For instance, I texted him yesterday and found out along the way that he had moved into a new apartment. Huge sting. That's something we always talked about doing so therefore moving anywhere (me or him) from where we ended (me living here, him at his mom's house) is going to sting a lot. And it does sting a lot. I won't deny it. But as soon as the sting hit I noticed I "numbed" it eternally. Is this because I care or because when it comes down to it, I know I shouldn't care and eternally am just holding on to fragments for whatever reason?

Mainly because now to understand why I'm feeling certain ways I have to pull back the layers, be honest, and acknowledge my heart. I don't do that often.

Here's what I've made sense of so far: In the past four months (yeah not a long time but feels like a long time but doesn't), I have learned SO much about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise. I have learned what makes me laugh, what it feels like to unleash my passion, that God knows me better than I will ever know myself, that I am beautiful and unique and irreplacable, that confidance is needed in life, that I can make others happy as I am, and that my life is pure chaos.

I didn't know how to and don't think I would have been able to find myself while Scott is finding himself at the same time. I know for a fact that I couldn't any longer have someone leaning on me. I was drained and exhausted and emotionally I couldn't keep giving to Scott because I had nothing to give myself. I needed to re-energize and though I wanted to be the one to hold his hand and walk through fire, I wasn't sure I could do it. I also know that somewhere after awhile I fell out of love with him and I think I was trying to fall back in love with him and make things work.

The months leading up to that Scott had slipped into a dark place. A place that I didn't know where he was, who he was, and didn't know how to help. I WASN'T helping. I perpetuated his feelings of inadequacy, I wasn't a bright spot in his life (at least I didn't feel as though I would), and though I tried, I couldn't help. I didn't help.

Everyone knows the Vanessa incident. I think it's uncanny how spot on a women's sense is. I will leave this one at this. My gut feelings of her having feelings for him, for loving him, were spot on. And the reason that my gut literally rolled in my stomach and why that had such a profound effect was because my womanly instinct was deadly accurate. I really hope my motherly intuition is as uncanny as my intuition about that whole situation. Double fold that with the fact that she knew him on a level I didn't, knew his past, knew him better than I did.....and that his mom loves her and made it subtly obvious how right she was/is for him......I thought well along with the evidence of me not being able to help him at all when he is in such a dark place, well maybe I just wasn't the one for him. It angers me right now how right on I was.....and it angers me that all of my frustrations and decisions were warranted.

The texts, the emails.....between them....completely unwarranted when in a relationship.

My need of re-energizing, of finding myself, of knowing that this semester would leave me with no time for anything other than my own selfish needs, that I would be reaching a crossroads with where to go in my future, my lack of helping Scott, no longer being able to hide the emotional debt and worry in my eyes, my feelings of inadequacy in Scott's life, my friggin sickening uncanny intuition about Vanessa's feelings, my mind freaking out about how I was supposed to do and what was best, knowing I wasn't in love with him any longer and didn't know if I ever would be in love with him again.....led to me deciding to break up with Scott. It was the hardest decision I've made to date. I had to hurt someone. I'm a protector, not someone who hurts those close to me.

I broke up with him, kept myself busy, then somehow got sucked back it because I really do care about him or is it because I was simply used to having him there?! Either way I sucked him back in because I didn't know what else to do....I sort of freaked out after awhile.

Typical heartbreaker who doesn't know what she wants and plays with other people's hearts.

We started hanging out. It was natural it seemed, he was working through things and naturally I became interested in another guy too. The draw of what's out there, the draw of new territory. Vrbas. When Scott found out I was interested he freaked and shut me out. Had he stayed around what happened with Vrbas very well might not have. Scott pushed me out so I went on a date, slept with him after a few times hanging out, and that was that. Scott pushed me out so I threw inhibitions to the wind. Had he just kept being my friend and seeing what happened, who knows. We were supposed to be working on a friendship again. I know he was talking to the girl in class, I was talking to Vrbas. I didn't see what was wrong. But I understand why he pushed me out.

Here's what I've revealed right now: There's something still in my heart for Scott. I don't know what it is. I won't let myself pull it out and identify it as I don't want to acknowledge it right now. Breaking up happened. It wasn't a mistake with what needed to happen but I find myself wondering if it was a mistake in how everything happened and what God has planned in the future. Although with God there aren't any mistakes so don't take that to mean that. I'm still drawn to Scott for some reason though. I'm incredibly territorial still with him and I find myself numbing that sensation right now as I write. I'm wondering if that's because he was that way with me and I don't know how to let that go?!

But I find myself wondering about the future. What is going on with my heart? Is what I'm feeling huge remnants of my past with Scott that I can't suppress or is something still there that I have just numbed down as I am so very good at doing? Why can I ignore so well for so long what's in my heart by keeping myself busy until I get crazy like this? Why do I keep going back? Am I just being a silly little girl?! Hahaha that last one is semi serious but also a joke to lighten the mood (imagine my playful voice joking right now).

I think I'm just being stupid and being drawn to my past, my comfort zone....but maybe I do still have some sort of feelings for him. A huge part of me tells me no, my roommates tell me no, hell my mind tells me I don' why is it hard to just completely let to?! Why am I even thinking about this right now?!


Jobs: I don't have too much time right now to propel my Arbonne business. I'm keeping it going and keeping my clients. However I'm not building my business. It's a great gift to have in our economy but much like romance, there's no time for it. I literally spend my free time writing down thoughts in my blog and working out. The rest of my time is taken up by school, work, APhiO meetings, homework, eating and sleeping. And the occasional disney movie :)

My job as the Personnel Manager is secure, pays little, but right now is rewarding enough. It keeps me busy with the several small projects I have and continually helping to revamp our image and services. We are finally getting to a point where some things are becoming routine but we are still in the end of the two-year transition of management and traditions. I'm lucky enough to be helping to set that foundation but it's tough work! I also enjoy working with my co-workers and I know I'm appreciated by B. She told me she's really going to miss me, that I've done a spectacular job, that whoever fills my place will have big shoes to fill, and that she appreciates everything that I've done. I've also had professional staff who have said that they have immensely enjoyed working with me and are sad to see me leave at the end of this year. That's a good feeling to leave with. However, we start the intense hiring process soon so that will also eat up a lot of my work time.

Future jobs I'm applying to during the summer/fall depending on availability and nursing school: substitute teacher, CNA or other position at University Hospital (back up hospitals in the work), working as the assistant production manager again for my parents at Reflections Apparel, editing and taking pictures with a photographer in Brighton, trying to get a job at the chiropractor's office.....we'll see what happens. I need to get on looking into the applications for all of those.

Wow I just got overburdened again by my future.

Alright well I'm getting tired again due to my lack of sleep last night. I'm going to cuddle back up in bed now that I've puked a little of my head. My heart is still numb but that's ok.

FYI.....I've gotten really good at controlling my heart rate. I can bring my heart rate down if I start to freak out in about six seconds if I first ignore my feelings and then take two deep slow breaths. It's amazing!

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to see than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done
There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle
The Circle of Life
[Circle of Life by Elton John, The Lion King]

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