Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Post Secret
I really don't always know what I want. Every time I think I have it figured out, a curveball is thrown in. The only thing I'm ever sure of is I want to be loved, unconditionally loved. And my biggest fear is that I'll never feel that unconditional love from the people I want it the most from.
Sign Language
I'd love to take a sign language class. Been thinking about maybe taking one next semester.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Rewarding
This is my second week working a specific job as a substitute special ed para for preschoolers at the elementary school I attended when I was a youngster. It's a little crazy being back as the school was remodeled and added onto the year after I "graduated" 5th grade and the playground equipment is different and the teachers are different.
But I have been enjoying my job.
At the end of the day, all I want is a beer and some adult conversation (between working with preschoolers and babysitting preschoolers, adult stimulation is VALUED and NEEDED) but I also thoroughly enjoy my time spent with the kids.
There are a few that have won over my heart. The Colorado Preschool Program requires that as many kids with "needs" are enrolled in the preschool as there are kids without "needs". These can range from sensory to physical to cognitive to developmental or in a lot of cases several interlinked. In the morning one kid with "needs" I have found is actually quite bright, but he's learned to play games with the teachers. However this kid has found a place in my heart.....today I felt that we are really connected, simply because I have been able to reach him at a point when most usually he's running away from everyone.
In the afternoon there are two little boys. One is especially smart, quick-witted and outgoing and I'd love to take him home with me most days. He's just a riot to be around. We seem to play a lot together (his younger brother who has "needs" is actually in our morning class and his brother's smile is absolutely precious.....he's my tickle buddy in the mornings). He also plays with the other little boy in our class regularly who has severe physical needs and that to me is just incredible, especially as he treats this other little boy as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.
The other little boy in our afternoons is smart as ever but has cerebral palsy, which makes a lot of physical activity impossible or very very strenuous to do. However, I've found simply through sitting and high-fiving this little boy that his motions are farther progressed than the therapies' ladies have said. He has the same cognitive development as any kid his age, just can't talk or really keep control of his body for obvious reasons. But when he smiles it's the most warming thing you can imagine, and he smiles often. And he smiles often for me....he's just as happy as can be. And like I said, the other very smart little boy and him play quite well together.
Last week on the playground while E (the boy with cerebral palsy) sat in his wheelchair obviously not able to play with the others, D (the very smart little boy) helped me to blow bubbles and play ball with E. Today we had a very fun time at playtime simply playing "walky talkies", mixing up the color shakers and playing with these little colored bears.
It's amazing how fast certain kids warm up to me and then warm my own heart.
I can say this, there's something about me that seems to allow those with needs to relate to me. And all the kids love the colorful, crazy outfits I wear....especially the little girls. They come in everyday wanting to see what crazy bracelet or necklace I have on or what colors I'm going to be wearing. They love to comment on how mommy or daddy would never let them wear this or that. And it makes them happy :)
Working with the kids has been rewarding!! I can't say I'd do this long-term but right now I mostly enjoy my job. Just wish I had more adult stimulation sometimes!!!
But I have been enjoying my job.
At the end of the day, all I want is a beer and some adult conversation (between working with preschoolers and babysitting preschoolers, adult stimulation is VALUED and NEEDED) but I also thoroughly enjoy my time spent with the kids.
There are a few that have won over my heart. The Colorado Preschool Program requires that as many kids with "needs" are enrolled in the preschool as there are kids without "needs". These can range from sensory to physical to cognitive to developmental or in a lot of cases several interlinked. In the morning one kid with "needs" I have found is actually quite bright, but he's learned to play games with the teachers. However this kid has found a place in my heart.....today I felt that we are really connected, simply because I have been able to reach him at a point when most usually he's running away from everyone.
In the afternoon there are two little boys. One is especially smart, quick-witted and outgoing and I'd love to take him home with me most days. He's just a riot to be around. We seem to play a lot together (his younger brother who has "needs" is actually in our morning class and his brother's smile is absolutely precious.....he's my tickle buddy in the mornings). He also plays with the other little boy in our class regularly who has severe physical needs and that to me is just incredible, especially as he treats this other little boy as though there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.
The other little boy in our afternoons is smart as ever but has cerebral palsy, which makes a lot of physical activity impossible or very very strenuous to do. However, I've found simply through sitting and high-fiving this little boy that his motions are farther progressed than the therapies' ladies have said. He has the same cognitive development as any kid his age, just can't talk or really keep control of his body for obvious reasons. But when he smiles it's the most warming thing you can imagine, and he smiles often. And he smiles often for me....he's just as happy as can be. And like I said, the other very smart little boy and him play quite well together.
Last week on the playground while E (the boy with cerebral palsy) sat in his wheelchair obviously not able to play with the others, D (the very smart little boy) helped me to blow bubbles and play ball with E. Today we had a very fun time at playtime simply playing "walky talkies", mixing up the color shakers and playing with these little colored bears.
It's amazing how fast certain kids warm up to me and then warm my own heart.
I can say this, there's something about me that seems to allow those with needs to relate to me. And all the kids love the colorful, crazy outfits I wear....especially the little girls. They come in everyday wanting to see what crazy bracelet or necklace I have on or what colors I'm going to be wearing. They love to comment on how mommy or daddy would never let them wear this or that. And it makes them happy :)
Working with the kids has been rewarding!! I can't say I'd do this long-term but right now I mostly enjoy my job. Just wish I had more adult stimulation sometimes!!!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wondering
I wonder about a lot of things anymore.
I wonder about what God wants from me from my life, I wonder how He's going to show me the way to get to where I need to go, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in His eyes.
I wonder why I'm so reckless and headstrong most of the time. I wonder why I always seem to be antsy anymore. I wonder when I'm going to really blossom.
I wonder what it is others see in me and don't see in me.
I wonder if my family will ever be as close-knit as we used to be. I wonder if for my parents I'll ever feel that I'm good enough for them to be proud of me.
I wonder what I'd look like if I actually started working out. I wonder what I'd look like if I gained weight and became fat. I wonder how many people would still love me and think I'm beautiful if I was fat.
I wonder if I'll ever get to travel the world. I wonder if I'll have someone who will do it with me or if once again I'll have to go at it alone.
I wonder if I have kids, will I be a good mom. I wonder if I'll have a boy(s) or girl(s). I wonder if God will bless me with healthy children or if I will birth an unhealthy child because He thinks I'm strong enough to love such a child. I wonder when I'll be ready for that because it's not anytime soon. I wonder how people my age are ready for that.
I wonder who my husband will be and what our marriage will look like. I wonder if he'll love me enough that he would fly halfway around the world to chase me. And yes currently I sometimes allow myself to wonder if Eric is that future. I also wonder if he even sees any sort of future with me or if I'm just a girl for the moment. I wonder when he'll let his guard down so I can let mine down. I wonder when he'll really want to get to know me.
I wonder what heaven will be like. I wonder if I'll recognize the spirits of others when I do get there. I wonder how much longer I have to spend with my family before death separates us temporarily. I wonder sometimes how I'll die (ick).
I wonder what life would have been like if I'd done things differently. I wonder what life would have been like had I not been sexually assaulted. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live a day without that crossing my mind at least once. I wonder if I'd be the same person. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully forgive, as it changed so much for the good but also for the bad.
I wonder what people would think if they knew half the stuff I thought about. I wonder how people see me through their eyes. I wonder what parts of my face others now better than me (think about it, others see my face more than I do).
I wonder what my purpose is.
I wonder what it'd be like to wake up in the morning and actually be able to see, without contacts or glasses.
And sometimes I wonder if I would get more out of life if I just stopped wondering and did more doing. I wonder. ....
I wonder about what God wants from me from my life, I wonder how He's going to show me the way to get to where I need to go, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in His eyes.
I wonder why I'm so reckless and headstrong most of the time. I wonder why I always seem to be antsy anymore. I wonder when I'm going to really blossom.
I wonder what it is others see in me and don't see in me.
I wonder if my family will ever be as close-knit as we used to be. I wonder if for my parents I'll ever feel that I'm good enough for them to be proud of me.
I wonder what I'd look like if I actually started working out. I wonder what I'd look like if I gained weight and became fat. I wonder how many people would still love me and think I'm beautiful if I was fat.
I wonder if I'll ever get to travel the world. I wonder if I'll have someone who will do it with me or if once again I'll have to go at it alone.
I wonder if I have kids, will I be a good mom. I wonder if I'll have a boy(s) or girl(s). I wonder if God will bless me with healthy children or if I will birth an unhealthy child because He thinks I'm strong enough to love such a child. I wonder when I'll be ready for that because it's not anytime soon. I wonder how people my age are ready for that.
I wonder who my husband will be and what our marriage will look like. I wonder if he'll love me enough that he would fly halfway around the world to chase me. And yes currently I sometimes allow myself to wonder if Eric is that future. I also wonder if he even sees any sort of future with me or if I'm just a girl for the moment. I wonder when he'll let his guard down so I can let mine down. I wonder when he'll really want to get to know me.
I wonder what heaven will be like. I wonder if I'll recognize the spirits of others when I do get there. I wonder how much longer I have to spend with my family before death separates us temporarily. I wonder sometimes how I'll die (ick).
I wonder what life would have been like if I'd done things differently. I wonder what life would have been like had I not been sexually assaulted. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live a day without that crossing my mind at least once. I wonder if I'd be the same person. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully forgive, as it changed so much for the good but also for the bad.
I wonder what people would think if they knew half the stuff I thought about. I wonder how people see me through their eyes. I wonder what parts of my face others now better than me (think about it, others see my face more than I do).
I wonder what my purpose is.
I wonder what it'd be like to wake up in the morning and actually be able to see, without contacts or glasses.
And sometimes I wonder if I would get more out of life if I just stopped wondering and did more doing. I wonder. ....
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Kanye = Douche
And everyone wonders why I think Kanye's a fucking douche and boycott his music.....he has got to be one of the rudest cockiest bastards to walk the earth, let alone be allowed to stand in the spotlight and be a "role model" to society.
He needs to be punched in his scrotum in my opinion.
Such a douche.
He needs to be punched in his scrotum in my opinion.
Such a douche.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Just when you think that you have anything figured out, that's just really not the case.
I have a few desires in my life right now. One of the foremost ones being that I had a place to call home. Bless my aunt for letting me stay here but this is not my home, my parents place hasn't been my home since I started college and started out to find myself, and I had to leave the place I felt most comfortable just a few short months ago. Since then I guess you could say I've been searching for a place to call my own. I really want a place of my own again, a place to make my home....the only two problems are finances....and well finding someone willing to live with me in a place I'd love to live. Which currently is Denver. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I get a little too bored here. Life is too "stiff" for where I'm at in my life.
My second is to have friends that are close to me. It's hard not having friends in close access to me and having to search out people to hang out with. Especially being stuck in a cookie-cutter sort of life during work, I need stimulation in the form of a social life and unfortunately I don't get as much as I want or need when friends are all over the place.
I used to be just fine being by myself. But given everything, I find that alone time is not my friend. As a matter of fact, if I'm left alone for too long I get anxious. And I think it's because there are no certainties, no regularities and no one stable in my life currently.....so I just naturally freak out and that freaking out really manifests when I'm by myself long enough for it to rear it's stupid head.
I just know that I need a certain amount of regularity back in my life, but regularity that involves people my age and something that I'm passionate about. I've found that's what I'm missing currently. People in the working world are hardly passionate. They have a passion sometimes for their jobs, but it's also in a very uniform manner. I want people who are passionate and it expresses itself wildly. So maybe I'm saying I need some wildness in my life?!?! I dunno actually.
All I know is working in the teaching field currently as a substitute para, I find myself highly unstimulated. Everything is PC and everyone dresses exactly the same. They all talk about teaching, a lot of the women I interact with are more what I would term hoity-toity in their mannerisms and how they interact in a very guarded manner. I crave the laid-back accepting atmosphere of college and fort collins. The accepting and adventurous spirit. I've gotten some odd looks from the bright colored shirts that I wear....and they haven't even seen my bright yellow capri shorts!!! Really?! I wonder what they will say when I walk in next week with purple skinny jeans and a black plaid flannel shirt.....it's going to be very interesting to see what they say and do!!! But it just goes to show that I'm not in a normal environment for myself. In my world, what I'm used to, I'm used to being able to express myself in whatever way I see fit and talking about controversial issues. Not constantly talking about how hard it is to be a working mom and Johnny's problems with playing with the blocks. Just not my thing currently.
Just goes to show I'm not ready to settle myself down quite yet.
But to start with I would really just like a home. A place that has my furniture, I can come and go as I please, a place that's completely comfortable for me, and a place to make my own. Hopefully sometime soon?!?! I think it would help me with my anxiety greatly.
I have a few desires in my life right now. One of the foremost ones being that I had a place to call home. Bless my aunt for letting me stay here but this is not my home, my parents place hasn't been my home since I started college and started out to find myself, and I had to leave the place I felt most comfortable just a few short months ago. Since then I guess you could say I've been searching for a place to call my own. I really want a place of my own again, a place to make my home....the only two problems are finances....and well finding someone willing to live with me in a place I'd love to live. Which currently is Denver. I don't want to live in the suburbs. I get a little too bored here. Life is too "stiff" for where I'm at in my life.
My second is to have friends that are close to me. It's hard not having friends in close access to me and having to search out people to hang out with. Especially being stuck in a cookie-cutter sort of life during work, I need stimulation in the form of a social life and unfortunately I don't get as much as I want or need when friends are all over the place.
I used to be just fine being by myself. But given everything, I find that alone time is not my friend. As a matter of fact, if I'm left alone for too long I get anxious. And I think it's because there are no certainties, no regularities and no one stable in my life currently.....so I just naturally freak out and that freaking out really manifests when I'm by myself long enough for it to rear it's stupid head.
I just know that I need a certain amount of regularity back in my life, but regularity that involves people my age and something that I'm passionate about. I've found that's what I'm missing currently. People in the working world are hardly passionate. They have a passion sometimes for their jobs, but it's also in a very uniform manner. I want people who are passionate and it expresses itself wildly. So maybe I'm saying I need some wildness in my life?!?! I dunno actually.
All I know is working in the teaching field currently as a substitute para, I find myself highly unstimulated. Everything is PC and everyone dresses exactly the same. They all talk about teaching, a lot of the women I interact with are more what I would term hoity-toity in their mannerisms and how they interact in a very guarded manner. I crave the laid-back accepting atmosphere of college and fort collins. The accepting and adventurous spirit. I've gotten some odd looks from the bright colored shirts that I wear....and they haven't even seen my bright yellow capri shorts!!! Really?! I wonder what they will say when I walk in next week with purple skinny jeans and a black plaid flannel shirt.....it's going to be very interesting to see what they say and do!!! But it just goes to show that I'm not in a normal environment for myself. In my world, what I'm used to, I'm used to being able to express myself in whatever way I see fit and talking about controversial issues. Not constantly talking about how hard it is to be a working mom and Johnny's problems with playing with the blocks. Just not my thing currently.
Just goes to show I'm not ready to settle myself down quite yet.
But to start with I would really just like a home. A place that has my furniture, I can come and go as I please, a place that's completely comfortable for me, and a place to make my own. Hopefully sometime soon?!?! I think it would help me with my anxiety greatly.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Changing of the Seasons
Changing, changing, changing
Eric and I are "together" again. Love the rollercoaster that is my romantic life?!
Last friday we did the tour de fat. SO fun :) I will have to post pics soon. But the night before we went partying with my cousin in Greeley and some deep held secrets came out. The one secret I hold I finally told him. And he told me he loved me. A lot to take in in one night!!! He told me it's hard for him to say it even to those that he loves, I'm one of two women he's told (Kelly being the other one).
At the same time, I still see him reluctant to say it. He's still convinced I'm going to hurt him like Kelly did. I hate when guys think that. I don't cheat on people. This makes relationship #2 where the person couldn't trust me fully because they think I'm going to cheat on them like the ex did. WTF?!?! That's not me!!
I definitely am still a little guarded around him. Call me crazy but he DID shatter my heart once, he's capable of doing it again. I have a boo-boo and it still has a band-aid covering it from complete exposure to the air. It's gonna take a little bit for it to come off which is probably a GOOD thing.
BUT I'm still very happy with him. I love him. Call me crazy again. There's just something about that boy. There's something about him that I couldn't even fight falling in love. Something tells me I'm being completely dangerous and stupid with my heart. But it makes for some great entertainment to those around me!!
On another front, I've been working my ass off. Still worried as crap about bills though. And I start my phlebotomy class which is going to add to my already full work weeks.
Working with special ed preschoolers has been SO rewarding yet exhausting. Little kids take a lot of energy, especially when you are with them for seven hours at school and then also when I babysit the DB girls. Man on man. Life has gotten chaotic busy and I still find myself drowning little bit by little bit financially.
I'll come out on top eventually though!! One step at a time.
Family issues?! Of course. I am starting to think this feud will never end. I don't know how to sit down and tell my parents my feelings and thoughts. I really don't. I don't think they are ever going to understand who I am and love me through it. I just think I'm such a huge disappointment straight across the board. My dad doesn't even look at me anymore. Makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for any man if I'm not good enough for my own father.
"I'm supa dupa fly".....I'm singing along to a song playing on itunes right now and it's pretty catchy. Aloha by Fat Joe. I'd love to have Eric's music. It's like being in a brand-new candy store with eyes wide at all the new possibilities. Man that's what I need right now. A drive in a fast car with music blaring. I want to be in the drivers seat though.
I need an adrenaline rush or some excitement soon. Need to feel as though I'm alive.
Tour de fat Denver this weekend :) Wearing bright bright colors of course!!! Nothing but bright colors for me.
Hmmm.....more thoughts to be poured out later. Have to head to the doctor's for them to tell me that I DON'T have TB.
Going going gone.
Eric and I are "together" again. Love the rollercoaster that is my romantic life?!
Last friday we did the tour de fat. SO fun :) I will have to post pics soon. But the night before we went partying with my cousin in Greeley and some deep held secrets came out. The one secret I hold I finally told him. And he told me he loved me. A lot to take in in one night!!! He told me it's hard for him to say it even to those that he loves, I'm one of two women he's told (Kelly being the other one).
At the same time, I still see him reluctant to say it. He's still convinced I'm going to hurt him like Kelly did. I hate when guys think that. I don't cheat on people. This makes relationship #2 where the person couldn't trust me fully because they think I'm going to cheat on them like the ex did. WTF?!?! That's not me!!
I definitely am still a little guarded around him. Call me crazy but he DID shatter my heart once, he's capable of doing it again. I have a boo-boo and it still has a band-aid covering it from complete exposure to the air. It's gonna take a little bit for it to come off which is probably a GOOD thing.
BUT I'm still very happy with him. I love him. Call me crazy again. There's just something about that boy. There's something about him that I couldn't even fight falling in love. Something tells me I'm being completely dangerous and stupid with my heart. But it makes for some great entertainment to those around me!!
On another front, I've been working my ass off. Still worried as crap about bills though. And I start my phlebotomy class which is going to add to my already full work weeks.
Working with special ed preschoolers has been SO rewarding yet exhausting. Little kids take a lot of energy, especially when you are with them for seven hours at school and then also when I babysit the DB girls. Man on man. Life has gotten chaotic busy and I still find myself drowning little bit by little bit financially.
I'll come out on top eventually though!! One step at a time.
Family issues?! Of course. I am starting to think this feud will never end. I don't know how to sit down and tell my parents my feelings and thoughts. I really don't. I don't think they are ever going to understand who I am and love me through it. I just think I'm such a huge disappointment straight across the board. My dad doesn't even look at me anymore. Makes me wonder if I'll ever be good enough for any man if I'm not good enough for my own father.
"I'm supa dupa fly".....I'm singing along to a song playing on itunes right now and it's pretty catchy. Aloha by Fat Joe. I'd love to have Eric's music. It's like being in a brand-new candy store with eyes wide at all the new possibilities. Man that's what I need right now. A drive in a fast car with music blaring. I want to be in the drivers seat though.
I need an adrenaline rush or some excitement soon. Need to feel as though I'm alive.
Tour de fat Denver this weekend :) Wearing bright bright colors of course!!! Nothing but bright colors for me.
Hmmm.....more thoughts to be poured out later. Have to head to the doctor's for them to tell me that I DON'T have TB.
Going going gone.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Let's Talk
Life has been so busy lately and while I love it I also find my body getting worn down and I find that I don't have enough time to do all that I want to do!!!
I finished my nursing application and got it in. I have no idea if I'm the type of candidate they are looking for or not but I surely hope so. I hope that my essay and grades are what they are looking for to get me in. Starting "the" degree is exciting and scary to me all at once. It's my future but I also know that right now I sort of enjoy not having TOO much responsibility....starting that degree is a huge commitment. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for it. Just nervous as it's getting down to the wire once I do.
My phlebotomy class starts next month and I look forward to it!! Not so much to getting stuck with needles when we start having to learn on each other but it's another advancement....I enjoy that :)
I have been hired as a "personal assistant" for one of the ladies I babysit for. I've committed ten hours of my life each week to helping her out, whether it be by babysitting or helping her with her classroom work or errand running. It's extra money in my pocket and I adore her little girls!!
I got a long-term job as a substitute para starting tuesday. I was requested from Henderson to take the job as a preschool special education para. Ok let me repeat that, I was REQUESTED!! I only worked one day there and they wanted me back. Kind of a cool little pat on the back that I'm doing a good job whether I know it or not.
Wow, between all that I realize how much time I don't have. I didn't get a chance to start volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission last week because I got sick and it just was crazy chaos. But this next week I hope to start!
I wish my friends would realize not to stay with people who are abusive towards them. I spent last weekend running to Denver at the drop of a hat for one of my besties after her and her girlfriend got in a fight. I found out her girlfriend has hit her before and berades her often for her weight and other various things. I want to shake my friends and be like "don't do it, you DESERVE better!!" I support her in whoever she dates, but once that person stops treating her the way she deserves to be treated, well let's just say Mama Nicole personality kicks in and I get HIGHLY protective. I just want my friends to be happy and healthy in love, not miserable and treated any less than amazing.
Eric and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. We are dating again, but I'm not sure what that means. He's supposed to talk to me about that today, he promised. It's been really nice to get to hang out with him again. Friday we went up to Greeley to hang out with my cousin and spend the night there so as to go to tour de fat yesterday. I admitted to him quite a few secrets of my past that hopefully explain a little bit more about me. I had a great time with him.
He told me he loved me. Unprovoked by me. That's pretty damn huge I think.
But he also told me that he wants to be perfect for me. I don't want perfect, I want him to be who he is, real and true to the core. Perfect is boring; I like him, his adventurous spirit yet the fact that I can't ever seem to really figure him all the way out. The fact that I know he will have tendencies that will annoy me actually makes me like him more!!! I wish he could see that. Perfect is not what I want.....just him, just who he is.
But we will see, everything takes time. If it's meant to be it will work out, if not then God has something different in mind for me.
Tour de fat yesterday was SOOOOO MUCH FUN!!! But I will save that for later as right now I'm gonna go see Kevo. I miss him :( He's in town for the holiday weekend and my music needs to be updated!!
Love love love
I finished my nursing application and got it in. I have no idea if I'm the type of candidate they are looking for or not but I surely hope so. I hope that my essay and grades are what they are looking for to get me in. Starting "the" degree is exciting and scary to me all at once. It's my future but I also know that right now I sort of enjoy not having TOO much responsibility....starting that degree is a huge commitment. Don't get me wrong, I'm ready for it. Just nervous as it's getting down to the wire once I do.
My phlebotomy class starts next month and I look forward to it!! Not so much to getting stuck with needles when we start having to learn on each other but it's another advancement....I enjoy that :)
I have been hired as a "personal assistant" for one of the ladies I babysit for. I've committed ten hours of my life each week to helping her out, whether it be by babysitting or helping her with her classroom work or errand running. It's extra money in my pocket and I adore her little girls!!
I got a long-term job as a substitute para starting tuesday. I was requested from Henderson to take the job as a preschool special education para. Ok let me repeat that, I was REQUESTED!! I only worked one day there and they wanted me back. Kind of a cool little pat on the back that I'm doing a good job whether I know it or not.
Wow, between all that I realize how much time I don't have. I didn't get a chance to start volunteering at the Denver Rescue Mission last week because I got sick and it just was crazy chaos. But this next week I hope to start!
I wish my friends would realize not to stay with people who are abusive towards them. I spent last weekend running to Denver at the drop of a hat for one of my besties after her and her girlfriend got in a fight. I found out her girlfriend has hit her before and berades her often for her weight and other various things. I want to shake my friends and be like "don't do it, you DESERVE better!!" I support her in whoever she dates, but once that person stops treating her the way she deserves to be treated, well let's just say Mama Nicole personality kicks in and I get HIGHLY protective. I just want my friends to be happy and healthy in love, not miserable and treated any less than amazing.
Eric and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. We are dating again, but I'm not sure what that means. He's supposed to talk to me about that today, he promised. It's been really nice to get to hang out with him again. Friday we went up to Greeley to hang out with my cousin and spend the night there so as to go to tour de fat yesterday. I admitted to him quite a few secrets of my past that hopefully explain a little bit more about me. I had a great time with him.
He told me he loved me. Unprovoked by me. That's pretty damn huge I think.
But he also told me that he wants to be perfect for me. I don't want perfect, I want him to be who he is, real and true to the core. Perfect is boring; I like him, his adventurous spirit yet the fact that I can't ever seem to really figure him all the way out. The fact that I know he will have tendencies that will annoy me actually makes me like him more!!! I wish he could see that. Perfect is not what I want.....just him, just who he is.
But we will see, everything takes time. If it's meant to be it will work out, if not then God has something different in mind for me.
Tour de fat yesterday was SOOOOO MUCH FUN!!! But I will save that for later as right now I'm gonna go see Kevo. I miss him :( He's in town for the holiday weekend and my music needs to be updated!!
Love love love
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
She Got It Written On Her
I'm buying a snowboard, boots & bindings off a friend so I will be hitting the slopes this season :) WOOT WOOT WOOT!!!!!
HELLS YEAH
I'm also contemplating getting my next tattoo here soon. I want to get "Follow your heart" on my foot.....do I have the money to do this?! Nope but that's what credit cards are for right?!?!
That is NOT a responsible way to think but I really really wanna get it. I love my other tattoo and I want to give it a little companion :) I wanna go a little bit bigger and more visible this time hence my foot location.
Ok I have so much I wanna explode on here but I also need to get my lunch ready and get going to work this morning.
I'm having a great hair day it's just got me on top of the world this morning :D
HELLS YEAH
I'm also contemplating getting my next tattoo here soon. I want to get "Follow your heart" on my foot.....do I have the money to do this?! Nope but that's what credit cards are for right?!?!
That is NOT a responsible way to think but I really really wanna get it. I love my other tattoo and I want to give it a little companion :) I wanna go a little bit bigger and more visible this time hence my foot location.
Ok I have so much I wanna explode on here but I also need to get my lunch ready and get going to work this morning.
I'm having a great hair day it's just got me on top of the world this morning :D
Monday, August 31, 2009
DJ
"I don't need no love all I need is the DJ"
Sometimes this is SO especially true, mainly in instances where my heart hurts such as now.....but the power of music is amazing!!
Sometimes all I need is a drive in my car with some great music blaring.....actually it's the reason I love driving so much. Call me crazy but I get to jam out the whole way to my destination.
Currently on my repeated play list:
Step One Two by Kaskade
Written on Her by Birdman
One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks
Fallin for You by Colbie Caillat
Outta Control by Baby Bash ft Pitbull
Behind by Flanders
All The Above by Maino
Patron Tequila by Paradiso Girls
Down by Jay Sean
That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings
Last Night in Brooklyn by Innerpartysystem
Hearts Burst Into Fire by Bullet for My Valentine
Glass to the Arson by Anberlin
Get Buck in Here by DJ Felli Fel ft various artists
Riotmaker by Techn9ne
Someone Somewhere by Jason Reeves
My Worst Nightmare & Whoa! (Me vs Everyone) by Forever The Sickest Kids
Breathe In & Tell Me Where You Are by Hit The Lights
Everywhere I Go by The Hollywood Undead
The Antidote by Story of the Year
Imma Star & Birthday Sex by Jeremih
Fast Car by The Dream
Break the Ice by Britney Spears
When I Get Home You're So Dead by Mayday Parade
Hear Me Now by Framing Hanley
All of Colbie Caillat's CoCo album
Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf
Put Your Records )n by Corrine Bailey Raie
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Bounce by The Cab
I Gotta Feeling by The Black-Eyed Peas
Yeah sort of a long playlist but I really love music......and this is just a TINY bit of everything I listen to.
Kind of ridic actually.
On a good note....Benny Benassi is playing Club Beta on October 22nd...Alyssa, Allison and I are going to go dance our asses off and NOT get kicked out this time :)
Tour de Fat is this weekend in FoCo and the following weekend in Denver. Going to both!! Hells yeah!!! Gonna be SO much fun....need to find a CRAZY outfit fo sho though!!
Hmmm....and I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully this iron supplement works. I also got some valerian root to help knock me out tonight so hopefully I get some good restful sleep for tomorrow!!
Sometimes this is SO especially true, mainly in instances where my heart hurts such as now.....but the power of music is amazing!!
Sometimes all I need is a drive in my car with some great music blaring.....actually it's the reason I love driving so much. Call me crazy but I get to jam out the whole way to my destination.
Currently on my repeated play list:
Step One Two by Kaskade
Written on Her by Birdman
One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks
Fallin for You by Colbie Caillat
Outta Control by Baby Bash ft Pitbull
Behind by Flanders
All The Above by Maino
Patron Tequila by Paradiso Girls
Down by Jay Sean
That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings
Last Night in Brooklyn by Innerpartysystem
Hearts Burst Into Fire by Bullet for My Valentine
Glass to the Arson by Anberlin
Get Buck in Here by DJ Felli Fel ft various artists
Riotmaker by Techn9ne
Someone Somewhere by Jason Reeves
My Worst Nightmare & Whoa! (Me vs Everyone) by Forever The Sickest Kids
Breathe In & Tell Me Where You Are by Hit The Lights
Everywhere I Go by The Hollywood Undead
The Antidote by Story of the Year
Imma Star & Birthday Sex by Jeremih
Fast Car by The Dream
Break the Ice by Britney Spears
When I Get Home You're So Dead by Mayday Parade
Hear Me Now by Framing Hanley
All of Colbie Caillat's CoCo album
Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf
Put Your Records )n by Corrine Bailey Raie
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
Bounce by The Cab
I Gotta Feeling by The Black-Eyed Peas
Yeah sort of a long playlist but I really love music......and this is just a TINY bit of everything I listen to.
Kind of ridic actually.
On a good note....Benny Benassi is playing Club Beta on October 22nd...Alyssa, Allison and I are going to go dance our asses off and NOT get kicked out this time :)
Tour de Fat is this weekend in FoCo and the following weekend in Denver. Going to both!! Hells yeah!!! Gonna be SO much fun....need to find a CRAZY outfit fo sho though!!
Hmmm....and I'm feeling a little better. Hopefully this iron supplement works. I also got some valerian root to help knock me out tonight so hopefully I get some good restful sleep for tomorrow!!
Newest Dream Fantasy
So in all my dreams for the past month, Eric has played some sort of crucial role. Usually he's running from me or completely ignoring me....I think this is my inward creative expression of my frustrations of everything that has been going on between us.
BUT in this past week, another addition has started taking part in my dreams. Eric's brother Brian has been making frequent appearances in my dreams as of late, usually shirtless.
Both Eric and Brian are very attractive guys. Ok, attractive is an understatement, HOTT is more like it. Anywho, I obviously care about Eric. Eric and Brian are different in quite a few different ways. Eric is more the shier, more timid one who has a more sensitive heart persay. Brian is the more outgoing, cocky, player of the two. Brian is the more bad-boy of the two. Which is why I'm thinking he's been coming into my dreams lately.
I think my mind is attaching onto the bad-boy image. I beoome largely too reckless when my heart is hurt, and now my heart is wanting to follow suit and become a little more reckless.
So now Brian is making appearances in my dreams alongside Eric with both of their attractive bodies and knee-weakening smiles.
What does it mean when you start slightly fantasizing about the guy you care about's brother?! I mean really....it's kind of unnerving.
Well with that I'm onto watching more shitty tv while I sit here wondering what is going on with my body. I think I might be iron deficient. I'm going to the doctor's to have a bunch of stuff tested. I can't handle being this tired all the time. It's just not right. I know something is not right with my body.
BUT in this past week, another addition has started taking part in my dreams. Eric's brother Brian has been making frequent appearances in my dreams as of late, usually shirtless.
Both Eric and Brian are very attractive guys. Ok, attractive is an understatement, HOTT is more like it. Anywho, I obviously care about Eric. Eric and Brian are different in quite a few different ways. Eric is more the shier, more timid one who has a more sensitive heart persay. Brian is the more outgoing, cocky, player of the two. Brian is the more bad-boy of the two. Which is why I'm thinking he's been coming into my dreams lately.
I think my mind is attaching onto the bad-boy image. I beoome largely too reckless when my heart is hurt, and now my heart is wanting to follow suit and become a little more reckless.
So now Brian is making appearances in my dreams alongside Eric with both of their attractive bodies and knee-weakening smiles.
What does it mean when you start slightly fantasizing about the guy you care about's brother?! I mean really....it's kind of unnerving.
Well with that I'm onto watching more shitty tv while I sit here wondering what is going on with my body. I think I might be iron deficient. I'm going to the doctor's to have a bunch of stuff tested. I can't handle being this tired all the time. It's just not right. I know something is not right with my body.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
How do you....
tell a friend they are making decisions that are going to absolutely devastate them and potentially "ruin" a good portion of their life?!
How do you let one of your best friends ever know that they are in an abusive relationship that is already tearing them down little by little?! How do you let them know that the road to pick up the pieces after the heartbreak that is inevitable is hard and long and you honestly don't think they have the strength of character to pick themselves back up afterwards?! How do you let this same friend know that you know exactly what they are going through?!
After having been in several manipulative relationships in my past, I can see all the warning signs. I can taste, feel, touch and see it.
Shelly has been dating this guy going on three months now. For most of that she's been convinced she's going to marry him. I found out she's even gone shopping for engagement rings. I'm not supposed to know any of this so I can't even talk to her about it.
I love Shelly to death but she's already needy. Which is what makes it even easier for her to be "brainwashed" which she already has been. She can't handle or even imagine the thought of life without this guy who has only been in her life for three months. She thinks she needs him. She doesn't!! I know this!! I lived with her for nine months. She does need friends but she doesn't need him.
She just moved to montana yesterday for grad school. Her FUTURE lies in this masters. Her dreams, her hopes. She's already convinced she hates Montana because she's away from him. Less than 24 hours and she's made up her mind!! That's impossible.
She's already determined that going to Montana is going to be a horrible experience. It will be. Mind over matter is so powerful, but especially more so when that mind is being negative about something.
I just don't know how to tell her I think she's making a huge mistake. I don't know how to open her eyes.
I want her to be in my heart and mind for even ten minutes. Maybe then she can understand, she can see my past and learn from it without having to go through it!!!
I want the world for my friends, I just don't know how to help them sometimes.
How do you let one of your best friends ever know that they are in an abusive relationship that is already tearing them down little by little?! How do you let them know that the road to pick up the pieces after the heartbreak that is inevitable is hard and long and you honestly don't think they have the strength of character to pick themselves back up afterwards?! How do you let this same friend know that you know exactly what they are going through?!
After having been in several manipulative relationships in my past, I can see all the warning signs. I can taste, feel, touch and see it.
Shelly has been dating this guy going on three months now. For most of that she's been convinced she's going to marry him. I found out she's even gone shopping for engagement rings. I'm not supposed to know any of this so I can't even talk to her about it.
I love Shelly to death but she's already needy. Which is what makes it even easier for her to be "brainwashed" which she already has been. She can't handle or even imagine the thought of life without this guy who has only been in her life for three months. She thinks she needs him. She doesn't!! I know this!! I lived with her for nine months. She does need friends but she doesn't need him.
She just moved to montana yesterday for grad school. Her FUTURE lies in this masters. Her dreams, her hopes. She's already convinced she hates Montana because she's away from him. Less than 24 hours and she's made up her mind!! That's impossible.
She's already determined that going to Montana is going to be a horrible experience. It will be. Mind over matter is so powerful, but especially more so when that mind is being negative about something.
I just don't know how to tell her I think she's making a huge mistake. I don't know how to open her eyes.
I want her to be in my heart and mind for even ten minutes. Maybe then she can understand, she can see my past and learn from it without having to go through it!!!
I want the world for my friends, I just don't know how to help them sometimes.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
One Beginning
Tomorrow I have my first substitute paraprofessional job. I will be subbing all day as a group leader for preschoolers at the elementary that I went to. At least it's a start :)
Also this week I will start volunteering serving meals downtown at the Denver Rescue Mission. I need to start giving back to the community somehow.
Starting tomorrow I'm Ms. Carr: Substitue, Official Babysitter, Professional Housecleaner, Hopeful CNA, Denver Rescue Mission Volunteer and Future Nurse!!
HELLS YEAH!!
Also this week I will start volunteering serving meals downtown at the Denver Rescue Mission. I need to start giving back to the community somehow.
Starting tomorrow I'm Ms. Carr: Substitue, Official Babysitter, Professional Housecleaner, Hopeful CNA, Denver Rescue Mission Volunteer and Future Nurse!!
HELLS YEAH!!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
One Step at a Time
I have wanted to pour all of my feelings out so bad but don't want to be whiny or grope. Not to mention I haven't had the time. So instead I found a song that pretty much sums up my life, my feelings and most of my thoughts for all aspects of life right now. This is exactly what I feel most of the time right now, yet it's also a song that instills hope and faith which I cling to every day. It puts a positive spin on my feelings :)
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you're gonna get there
Is one step at a time
Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
[One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks]
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you're gonna get there
Is one step at a time
Take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time
[One Step at a Time by Jordin Sparks]
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Starting His Journey
Yesterday evening I waved goodbye to Kevo....as he drove off to college.
I helped to raise my brothers so on one hand I am their sister, on the other hand I have always sort of played a motherly role. I am one of their good friends but also someone they run to when they need advice or help or an understanding ear.
For that reason, it's hard to watch my brothers start their journeys and go in separate ways....only because I want to be there for them both through it all. But I can't be. I have my own road and they have theirs and we all have to fly :)
As Kevan said: I am an eagle. We all are eagles, we all have to fly to our futures.
He gave me a few huge bear hugs, one in which he lifted me off the ground and spun me around (I love those). And kissed me on my cheek a few times. Then as we were leaving he rolled down his windows, blasted one of my fav songs of the moment (Down by Jay Sean) and blew me a kiss. I ended up following both my parents and Kevan towards the freeway as that was the direction I gave them. Before getting on the freeway and me turning onto the frontage road Kevan waved out the car window back at me and I honked.....and that is how Kevan left for college. Wish I could have captured it with my camera but sometimes a picture just doesn't show the emotion you want it to. A picture couldn't capture how proud I am yet how sad I am to watch Kevan leave. It also can't capture how much of a change it is in my life to finally have us older three all out of the house.
All I can say is mom and dad are going to have to get used to a completely different household. It's going to be so much more quiet than they are used to that's for sure.
No more music blasting in the mornings during shower time, no more of us dancing in front of the tv or regular debates over the stupidest of topics, no more dancing and singing in the kitchen, no more doors being opened and slammed as we go back and forth and in and out of the house. What a change for my parents. What a change for us three.
I only hope that we keep in close contact. I can't imagine life without my brothers.
And because they are going their own ways again, it makes me antsy to have my own place. I hate being stuck in limbo but can't afford to not be stuck here at the moment. I want a place of my own, I want to find my own niche in the world.....one day, someday. Hopefully very soon.
I'm gonna miss Kevo....which is why I plan on traveling to Nebraska soon enough :)
I helped to raise my brothers so on one hand I am their sister, on the other hand I have always sort of played a motherly role. I am one of their good friends but also someone they run to when they need advice or help or an understanding ear.
For that reason, it's hard to watch my brothers start their journeys and go in separate ways....only because I want to be there for them both through it all. But I can't be. I have my own road and they have theirs and we all have to fly :)
As Kevan said: I am an eagle. We all are eagles, we all have to fly to our futures.
He gave me a few huge bear hugs, one in which he lifted me off the ground and spun me around (I love those). And kissed me on my cheek a few times. Then as we were leaving he rolled down his windows, blasted one of my fav songs of the moment (Down by Jay Sean) and blew me a kiss. I ended up following both my parents and Kevan towards the freeway as that was the direction I gave them. Before getting on the freeway and me turning onto the frontage road Kevan waved out the car window back at me and I honked.....and that is how Kevan left for college. Wish I could have captured it with my camera but sometimes a picture just doesn't show the emotion you want it to. A picture couldn't capture how proud I am yet how sad I am to watch Kevan leave. It also can't capture how much of a change it is in my life to finally have us older three all out of the house.
All I can say is mom and dad are going to have to get used to a completely different household. It's going to be so much more quiet than they are used to that's for sure.
No more music blasting in the mornings during shower time, no more of us dancing in front of the tv or regular debates over the stupidest of topics, no more dancing and singing in the kitchen, no more doors being opened and slammed as we go back and forth and in and out of the house. What a change for my parents. What a change for us three.
I only hope that we keep in close contact. I can't imagine life without my brothers.
And because they are going their own ways again, it makes me antsy to have my own place. I hate being stuck in limbo but can't afford to not be stuck here at the moment. I want a place of my own, I want to find my own niche in the world.....one day, someday. Hopefully very soon.
I'm gonna miss Kevo....which is why I plan on traveling to Nebraska soon enough :)
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I need
to write SO many of my thoughts down.....they are all jumbled in my head and I need to release them. However that has to wait until my life slows down a bit....not spending too much time by the computer anymore.
Stories, thoughts, gonna release it soon....AHHH!!!
Ok off to work again today.
Might I just add that I feel like my life has taken a drastic turn for the boring between working my life away recently in a place where I interact with like four other people all day (GAG!!) and living in suburbia....in a place where diversity and the free-living college atmosphere is missing. Oh, how I feel I have just become mrs. boring suzie-homemaker-ish. Don't like it.
Anywho, out the door. Training. Work.
Oh-em-gee
Stories, thoughts, gonna release it soon....AHHH!!!
Ok off to work again today.
Might I just add that I feel like my life has taken a drastic turn for the boring between working my life away recently in a place where I interact with like four other people all day (GAG!!) and living in suburbia....in a place where diversity and the free-living college atmosphere is missing. Oh, how I feel I have just become mrs. boring suzie-homemaker-ish. Don't like it.
Anywho, out the door. Training. Work.
Oh-em-gee
Friday, August 14, 2009
I haven't written lately......mainly because emotions have been so intense in my heart that I don't know how to properly put them into words.
And as well, I've been distracting myself. I'm too afraid to sit still very long with my mind and heart all alone. So this week I've successfully distracted myself with 44 hours of working and babysitting. Not healthy I'm sure but I'm not quite sure how else to cope.
Right now I feel at a loss. I have the whole world in front of me, I'm taking those first steps, I'm taking them alone and it's scary. I'm not quite sure of my purpose at this exact moment. I'm aware my purpose is to live my life fully, to love others passionately and to glorify my God through it all. However, I'm finding that the more and more I WANT people and NEED people around, the less people there are within immediate vicinity to distract me and temporarily take my mind off things. I'm thinking God is teaching me in this. Patience maybe?!
Who knows.
I don't want this to be taken negatively. I just find myself waiting in trepidation of the future. It's scary going at it alone. I have so many people around me, yet only one person can figure out my life and my future, and that's me. What a scary thought. I can help anyone else out but myself. Whoda thunk it?!
And as well, I've been distracting myself. I'm too afraid to sit still very long with my mind and heart all alone. So this week I've successfully distracted myself with 44 hours of working and babysitting. Not healthy I'm sure but I'm not quite sure how else to cope.
Right now I feel at a loss. I have the whole world in front of me, I'm taking those first steps, I'm taking them alone and it's scary. I'm not quite sure of my purpose at this exact moment. I'm aware my purpose is to live my life fully, to love others passionately and to glorify my God through it all. However, I'm finding that the more and more I WANT people and NEED people around, the less people there are within immediate vicinity to distract me and temporarily take my mind off things. I'm thinking God is teaching me in this. Patience maybe?!
Who knows.
I don't want this to be taken negatively. I just find myself waiting in trepidation of the future. It's scary going at it alone. I have so many people around me, yet only one person can figure out my life and my future, and that's me. What a scary thought. I can help anyone else out but myself. Whoda thunk it?!
Thursday, August 06, 2009
And the pressure is on.....
Here I sit....working on my nursing application. My future boils down to four pieces of paper: 3 transcripts from all 3 colleges I've taken classes at and a one-page essay portraying my passion to become a nurse. Isn't it amusing how our futures always boil down to usually very few things or very few words, sometimes even one simple word?!
Give me a social dialogue and any person can see and hear my desires. Whether it be personally, spiritually, or professionally. My eyes are the open passage to my soul, my hands become my supportive instruments as they wave back and forth, and my tongue becomes a spoken instrument that leaves little doubt. My vocabulary is limited but my tone is vivid and alive. It's playful, passionate and intense.
Conveying that all through written word is a weakness of mine. Either that or I feel it is. Accuracy is hard when all it boils down to is the written unspoken raw words that one can interpret however they want to and choose to read them in their own head. And so the pressure is on. The pressure is on right now to convince a few simple people sitting in the offices at CU-Denver's School of Nursing that they should pick ME to enter their nursing program.
Somehow, through all the pressure and anxiety, I find it invigorating that largely all of this comes down to me. I am in charge of my own destiny. I never knew what that meant up until this summer. Ok, I take that back. I can only go so far as to completely put myself out there and make the first step. Largely others will also be in charge of my destiny with how they choose to go about my decisions to put myself out there. But it all starts with me, it starts with what I choose to go for, how I choose to go for it, and how passionately and thoroughly I choose to pursue those avenues. It's still invigorating, and still slightly scary.
Last night, I went to the park to play frisbee with Eric. While waiting for him, I decided to sit down and swing for a few minutes to pass the time. Swinging was one of my favorite parts of recess when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I found it a sort of escape. In high school when my parents and I would fight, I'd find myself wandering to the park down to the swings to "fly", to momentarily escape my problems and to talk to God. There is something uniquely freeing about getting that swing as high as it can go and then laying your head back, closing your eyes, and letting your body fly back and forth through the air. It's calming.
Well last night I had a visitor. A little girl came up to me and asked to swing with me. Her parents were about 100 yards away talking to friends and though I constantly worry about parents thinking my intentions are wrong, I let this talkative 3-year-old talk to me as I pushed her on the swings. Her name was Tavin. She talked about going to a princess school, told me the names of her parents and three dogs, and asked my name. I'm still amazed at how easily I can talk to those who keep life simple, who have no problem with putting everything out on the line (though she doesn't know that). I also found it comforting knowing that again, there's something about me that makes others around me comfortable enough to usually approach me, talk to me, and open up. Even little kids. The amount of little kids that befriend me at zoos, parks, and ask me (a perfect stranger) questions and carry conversations with me is comforting in some aspect. It lets me know that I have some sort of special gift to relate to others on some parallel that I'm still trying to figure out.
Eric is one matter I find myself anxious with on one hand though. I find it so easy to be around him. I find it so easy to let myself stare directly into his warm eyes and let my heart just flow. It's easy to laugh and play. But that's what makes it hard. I let myself fall in love with him. And who am I possibly kidding, I'm still in love with him. Which is where I struggle so hard right now. Especially at this point in my life, I want to put myself out there, to let him know exactly how I feel, and let him decide. But at the same time, not everyone can handle that. Can he handle that?! And it's not possible for me to guard my heart enough for the reprocussions of putting myself out there if it's rejected. My guard is mainly down around him. Which is how I like it.
I want to tell him so much: about how I feel, about my desires, what I want, what I'm capable of, what I can be for him. But really it all comes down to he's the first guy I've let myself fall in love with.
So more than anything I just want him to be happy. I want him to go about life at his own pace, by his own decisions, and I want him to be happy more than anything. Even if that doesn't include me by his side holding his hand. It's hard to say that. For the first time since he broke up with me, I'm letting tears semi-freely flow down my cheek as it's slowly becoming reality that this might in deed be the case. But at the same time, it's so easy for me to support those that I care about in their decisions that all I want to do right now is to cup his face in my hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him to follow his heart and do what brings happiness to his life.....and through it all he'll have support and at the least friendship in me.
I'm a woman. So of course, there is a thread of hope down in me that secretly hopes and desires that the special woman in his life would be me.
This is what I know: we share something special. Whether it be a deep friendship or whether down the road something will blossom between us. There's something in his eyes I see when we spend time together. I'm not sure what it is. But I also know he's hesitant, he's searching, and I think he's a little fearful.
For now, I sit, wait to find out whether life brings friendship or friendship/romance our way, and support him in any way I can. Only God knows. And for now, I have to be ok with not knowing. There is a peace in my heart that everything will work out exactly as it's supposed to, but it doesn't calm my heart enough to take away the stings of pain that I feel here and there. It's hard, but God didn't say life would be easy all the time, just completely worth it all.
Back to my nursing app and trying to portay passion in written words I go.
"Embrace the wonder and excitement each day brings. For tomorrow affords us new opportunities....time to experience....time to create....time to reflect....time to dream." ~Unknown
Give me a social dialogue and any person can see and hear my desires. Whether it be personally, spiritually, or professionally. My eyes are the open passage to my soul, my hands become my supportive instruments as they wave back and forth, and my tongue becomes a spoken instrument that leaves little doubt. My vocabulary is limited but my tone is vivid and alive. It's playful, passionate and intense.
Conveying that all through written word is a weakness of mine. Either that or I feel it is. Accuracy is hard when all it boils down to is the written unspoken raw words that one can interpret however they want to and choose to read them in their own head. And so the pressure is on. The pressure is on right now to convince a few simple people sitting in the offices at CU-Denver's School of Nursing that they should pick ME to enter their nursing program.
Somehow, through all the pressure and anxiety, I find it invigorating that largely all of this comes down to me. I am in charge of my own destiny. I never knew what that meant up until this summer. Ok, I take that back. I can only go so far as to completely put myself out there and make the first step. Largely others will also be in charge of my destiny with how they choose to go about my decisions to put myself out there. But it all starts with me, it starts with what I choose to go for, how I choose to go for it, and how passionately and thoroughly I choose to pursue those avenues. It's still invigorating, and still slightly scary.
Last night, I went to the park to play frisbee with Eric. While waiting for him, I decided to sit down and swing for a few minutes to pass the time. Swinging was one of my favorite parts of recess when I was younger. As I've gotten older, I found it a sort of escape. In high school when my parents and I would fight, I'd find myself wandering to the park down to the swings to "fly", to momentarily escape my problems and to talk to God. There is something uniquely freeing about getting that swing as high as it can go and then laying your head back, closing your eyes, and letting your body fly back and forth through the air. It's calming.
Well last night I had a visitor. A little girl came up to me and asked to swing with me. Her parents were about 100 yards away talking to friends and though I constantly worry about parents thinking my intentions are wrong, I let this talkative 3-year-old talk to me as I pushed her on the swings. Her name was Tavin. She talked about going to a princess school, told me the names of her parents and three dogs, and asked my name. I'm still amazed at how easily I can talk to those who keep life simple, who have no problem with putting everything out on the line (though she doesn't know that). I also found it comforting knowing that again, there's something about me that makes others around me comfortable enough to usually approach me, talk to me, and open up. Even little kids. The amount of little kids that befriend me at zoos, parks, and ask me (a perfect stranger) questions and carry conversations with me is comforting in some aspect. It lets me know that I have some sort of special gift to relate to others on some parallel that I'm still trying to figure out.
Eric is one matter I find myself anxious with on one hand though. I find it so easy to be around him. I find it so easy to let myself stare directly into his warm eyes and let my heart just flow. It's easy to laugh and play. But that's what makes it hard. I let myself fall in love with him. And who am I possibly kidding, I'm still in love with him. Which is where I struggle so hard right now. Especially at this point in my life, I want to put myself out there, to let him know exactly how I feel, and let him decide. But at the same time, not everyone can handle that. Can he handle that?! And it's not possible for me to guard my heart enough for the reprocussions of putting myself out there if it's rejected. My guard is mainly down around him. Which is how I like it.
I want to tell him so much: about how I feel, about my desires, what I want, what I'm capable of, what I can be for him. But really it all comes down to he's the first guy I've let myself fall in love with.
So more than anything I just want him to be happy. I want him to go about life at his own pace, by his own decisions, and I want him to be happy more than anything. Even if that doesn't include me by his side holding his hand. It's hard to say that. For the first time since he broke up with me, I'm letting tears semi-freely flow down my cheek as it's slowly becoming reality that this might in deed be the case. But at the same time, it's so easy for me to support those that I care about in their decisions that all I want to do right now is to cup his face in my hands, look him straight in the eye, and tell him to follow his heart and do what brings happiness to his life.....and through it all he'll have support and at the least friendship in me.
I'm a woman. So of course, there is a thread of hope down in me that secretly hopes and desires that the special woman in his life would be me.
This is what I know: we share something special. Whether it be a deep friendship or whether down the road something will blossom between us. There's something in his eyes I see when we spend time together. I'm not sure what it is. But I also know he's hesitant, he's searching, and I think he's a little fearful.
For now, I sit, wait to find out whether life brings friendship or friendship/romance our way, and support him in any way I can. Only God knows. And for now, I have to be ok with not knowing. There is a peace in my heart that everything will work out exactly as it's supposed to, but it doesn't calm my heart enough to take away the stings of pain that I feel here and there. It's hard, but God didn't say life would be easy all the time, just completely worth it all.
Back to my nursing app and trying to portay passion in written words I go.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Quick notes
Dinners with old and new friends are the best. So are laughs that start in the heart, take over your entire body and end in aches in your cheeks :)
Hung out with Eric again for the first time since the break-up. It went very well. Definitely realized my feelings for him are still very much strong, just been ignoring them. I think he has feelings towards me too. He's just very confused and unsure right now.
Birthday tomorrow. The big 2-2. Chocolate happy hour.
Going to Red Feathers Lake tomorrow morning. Gonna be beautiful!!
Excited to see what God has planned for the future!! It's so crazy and up in the air.
Missing Tyce, can't wait to see his little face again tomorrow. I need one of his hugs.
.....On a mission to be what I'm destined to be.....
Hung out with Eric again for the first time since the break-up. It went very well. Definitely realized my feelings for him are still very much strong, just been ignoring them. I think he has feelings towards me too. He's just very confused and unsure right now.
Birthday tomorrow. The big 2-2. Chocolate happy hour.
Going to Red Feathers Lake tomorrow morning. Gonna be beautiful!!
Excited to see what God has planned for the future!! It's so crazy and up in the air.
Missing Tyce, can't wait to see his little face again tomorrow. I need one of his hugs.
.....On a mission to be what I'm destined to be.....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Just A Bit Along
When it comes to the topic of life, it's all up in the air right now. Everything is. My whole life is undecided and unknown, everything is a perpetual transition state. Nothing feels completely right or comfortable, my whole life feels a tad bit foreign to myself.
But that's how this point in my life is supposed to be so I take every day in strife, knowing that I'm not supposed to have any answers right now.
When it comes to guys, I yearn for companionship.....but at the same time I know I'm just fine on my own. Eric and I still have not talked, I don't understand what happened. It hurts, I still love him and don't want to be with anybody else. In all honesty, I still want him. But I can't help but think God maybe knows what he's doing. Eric and I are maintaining a good friendship. We haven't seen each other in person yet since everything happened, but we had a very decent conversation yesterday, and I know I will see him soon in the future. I still enjoy time with him. It might be a little bit out of the normal compared to how I'm used to being around him, but we're both adult enough to know it's possible. And I like that. And I can't help but think he enjoys my company. I just think he's also at a place in his life where he's not sure what he wants.
Employment is still that unobtainable goal. But it's not a permanent one. My jobs as a substitute paraprofessional and substitute teacher will soon start within the school district. I know it's not a long-term job in terms of it's not what I want to do with my life but I think the flexible job is great for me, not to mention it's an absolutely great learning and life experience. God opened this avenue for me for a reason. I am also going to start looking to be hired on with other school districts other than Brighton. I think moving out of this place will once again prove to be an essential for my happiness.
Right now I'm living with my aunt. It's what's the best for me, mentally and emotionally. My parents don't have the time, emotional strength nor are at a point in their lives where they can deal with the constant unknown that is my life. I've also found our lives are meant to be lived differently and apart. Right now our relationship is not great. That's an understatement. I hope one day in the future it won't continue to be this way but for now, we are at such different points in our lives, under different stress, that we can't relate. I don't think they can really see what my motives are and what's best for me. Right now they can't understand what I'm going through.....so for me, I am at a place where I can try to find answers for my life. Right now, I need to be selfish and find my direction for my life. And I need to try to be of the least amount of stress and burden to them. They have enough of that in their life that they don't need to be worrying about me. They need to focus on getting their own situation figured out, and not have my troubles, worries and problems within their knowledge. It only stresses them out more.
I hope to be living in the middle of downtown Denver. Another reason I will be looking at other school districts. I can move where I want to with my sub teaching license. Once I have it, I hope to start also working in the Denver school district. If I can get hired on at Cherry Creek (yes it's a stretch) and can find a roommate to share a one-bedroom, I can completely afford living down there AND save up money for nursing school :)
I got a call from a recruiter at University yesterday.....he basically told me that when a position comes available for a CNA position to give him a call and he will get me a first-round interview. Because I am so open to working full-time, whether it be day/night/rotating and can work weekends then my availability is pretty wide open for that sort of thing. Until then, my subbing can hold me over. And when I do get a job, whatever days I don't work I can still fill up with subbing positions as I determine my own schedule basically. It works very well for someone like me who needs flexibility as well as an income.
Downtown Denver is really where I want to be. Living with my aunt is better for my soul for right now than living at home, but it's a pure stepping stone to where I want to be. I want to be in the middle of it all, in Denver, making my way. Not to mention, Denver is where I want to be working and going to nursing school. It makes sense to me to be down there. And I just think it's where I need to be right now. It's just a matter of getting there.
Life has been complicated and hard....but I've had some amazing friends help me out emotionally recently. I couldn't be doing this without them. They all have the utmost faith that I am going to make it, that I can do what I want. They believe in me and love me and support me and encourage me.....and also tell me when I'm being a dumbass. I love them. I can't imagine where I would be right now without my friends. It just amazes me over and over how great of friends I have :) God blessed me SO much when he put them in my life.
The big 2-2 is right around the corner. AHHHH!!!! Not really but I never thought I'd be an adult. Adulthood is scary, but I'm liking knowing I'm starting to make my own way in this life and creating my own life. It's invigorating :)
Just a little bit farther along than I was yesterday with a majestic unknown road in front of me. A little bit nervous but also faithful knowing God is right there behind me the whole way. Here we go Lord, please just make sure I don't get too lost along the way, I do need Your help.
But that's how this point in my life is supposed to be so I take every day in strife, knowing that I'm not supposed to have any answers right now.
When it comes to guys, I yearn for companionship.....but at the same time I know I'm just fine on my own. Eric and I still have not talked, I don't understand what happened. It hurts, I still love him and don't want to be with anybody else. In all honesty, I still want him. But I can't help but think God maybe knows what he's doing. Eric and I are maintaining a good friendship. We haven't seen each other in person yet since everything happened, but we had a very decent conversation yesterday, and I know I will see him soon in the future. I still enjoy time with him. It might be a little bit out of the normal compared to how I'm used to being around him, but we're both adult enough to know it's possible. And I like that. And I can't help but think he enjoys my company. I just think he's also at a place in his life where he's not sure what he wants.
Employment is still that unobtainable goal. But it's not a permanent one. My jobs as a substitute paraprofessional and substitute teacher will soon start within the school district. I know it's not a long-term job in terms of it's not what I want to do with my life but I think the flexible job is great for me, not to mention it's an absolutely great learning and life experience. God opened this avenue for me for a reason. I am also going to start looking to be hired on with other school districts other than Brighton. I think moving out of this place will once again prove to be an essential for my happiness.
Right now I'm living with my aunt. It's what's the best for me, mentally and emotionally. My parents don't have the time, emotional strength nor are at a point in their lives where they can deal with the constant unknown that is my life. I've also found our lives are meant to be lived differently and apart. Right now our relationship is not great. That's an understatement. I hope one day in the future it won't continue to be this way but for now, we are at such different points in our lives, under different stress, that we can't relate. I don't think they can really see what my motives are and what's best for me. Right now they can't understand what I'm going through.....so for me, I am at a place where I can try to find answers for my life. Right now, I need to be selfish and find my direction for my life. And I need to try to be of the least amount of stress and burden to them. They have enough of that in their life that they don't need to be worrying about me. They need to focus on getting their own situation figured out, and not have my troubles, worries and problems within their knowledge. It only stresses them out more.
I hope to be living in the middle of downtown Denver. Another reason I will be looking at other school districts. I can move where I want to with my sub teaching license. Once I have it, I hope to start also working in the Denver school district. If I can get hired on at Cherry Creek (yes it's a stretch) and can find a roommate to share a one-bedroom, I can completely afford living down there AND save up money for nursing school :)
I got a call from a recruiter at University yesterday.....he basically told me that when a position comes available for a CNA position to give him a call and he will get me a first-round interview. Because I am so open to working full-time, whether it be day/night/rotating and can work weekends then my availability is pretty wide open for that sort of thing. Until then, my subbing can hold me over. And when I do get a job, whatever days I don't work I can still fill up with subbing positions as I determine my own schedule basically. It works very well for someone like me who needs flexibility as well as an income.
Downtown Denver is really where I want to be. Living with my aunt is better for my soul for right now than living at home, but it's a pure stepping stone to where I want to be. I want to be in the middle of it all, in Denver, making my way. Not to mention, Denver is where I want to be working and going to nursing school. It makes sense to me to be down there. And I just think it's where I need to be right now. It's just a matter of getting there.
Life has been complicated and hard....but I've had some amazing friends help me out emotionally recently. I couldn't be doing this without them. They all have the utmost faith that I am going to make it, that I can do what I want. They believe in me and love me and support me and encourage me.....and also tell me when I'm being a dumbass. I love them. I can't imagine where I would be right now without my friends. It just amazes me over and over how great of friends I have :) God blessed me SO much when he put them in my life.
The big 2-2 is right around the corner. AHHHH!!!! Not really but I never thought I'd be an adult. Adulthood is scary, but I'm liking knowing I'm starting to make my own way in this life and creating my own life. It's invigorating :)
Just a little bit farther along than I was yesterday with a majestic unknown road in front of me. A little bit nervous but also faithful knowing God is right there behind me the whole way. Here we go Lord, please just make sure I don't get too lost along the way, I do need Your help.
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