Wondering

I wonder about a lot of things anymore.

I wonder about what God wants from me from my life, I wonder how He's going to show me the way to get to where I need to go, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in His eyes.

I wonder why I'm so reckless and headstrong most of the time. I wonder why I always seem to be antsy anymore. I wonder when I'm going to really blossom.

I wonder what it is others see in me and don't see in me.

I wonder if my family will ever be as close-knit as we used to be. I wonder if for my parents I'll ever feel that I'm good enough for them to be proud of me.

I wonder what I'd look like if I actually started working out. I wonder what I'd look like if I gained weight and became fat. I wonder how many people would still love me and think I'm beautiful if I was fat.

I wonder if I'll ever get to travel the world. I wonder if I'll have someone who will do it with me or if once again I'll have to go at it alone.

I wonder if I have kids, will I be a good mom. I wonder if I'll have a boy(s) or girl(s). I wonder if God will bless me with healthy children or if I will birth an unhealthy child because He thinks I'm strong enough to love such a child. I wonder when I'll be ready for that because it's not anytime soon. I wonder how people my age are ready for that.

I wonder who my husband will be and what our marriage will look like. I wonder if he'll love me enough that he would fly halfway around the world to chase me. And yes currently I sometimes allow myself to wonder if Eric is that future. I also wonder if he even sees any sort of future with me or if I'm just a girl for the moment. I wonder when he'll let his guard down so I can let mine down. I wonder when he'll really want to get to know me.

I wonder what heaven will be like. I wonder if I'll recognize the spirits of others when I do get there. I wonder how much longer I have to spend with my family before death separates us temporarily. I wonder sometimes how I'll die (ick).

I wonder what life would have been like if I'd done things differently. I wonder what life would have been like had I not been sexually assaulted. I wonder if I'll ever be able to live a day without that crossing my mind at least once. I wonder if I'd be the same person. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fully forgive, as it changed so much for the good but also for the bad.

I wonder what people would think if they knew half the stuff I thought about. I wonder how people see me through their eyes. I wonder what parts of my face others now better than me (think about it, others see my face more than I do).

I wonder what my purpose is.

I wonder what it'd be like to wake up in the morning and actually be able to see, without contacts or glasses.

And sometimes I wonder if I would get more out of life if I just stopped wondering and did more doing. I wonder. ....